Mom vs Dad Parenting Roles

I was just having this conversation with my friend the other day. If one views the roles of parenting and household as a competition at least one person will go crazy! It you start playing the "who does more game" it will cause major marriage damage. Instead, think of the things the other does that you never do. For me its take the garbage out, mow the lawn, etc. Get rid of the competition mindset altogether.

My wife was a SAHM because that's what she wanted and what I wanted. We each took on the jobs were were best at or that necessity forced us into. I was a finance major in college and a bargain hunter.

Example: My mom taught me how to shop and find the bargains. She taught me how to look at the ads and find the best deals and to find the best deals at the stores. She taught me by example how to bargain with the store employees to get discounts on the items they had for sale. My mom could pinch a penny until Lincoln would beg for mercy. My wife came from a family where shopping consisted of going to the closest store or the 7/11, buy what you saw and bring it home. It didn't make any difference what the prices were. You decided what was going to be for dinner and that's what you bought. My wife's parents thought as long as they had checks they must have money or they wouldn't still have checks. I went into the military and never knew when I might leave in the morning and get called to go someplace and not be back for 3 months. And if the mission was classified as "secret" I wouldn't be allowed to call her and let her know I was not coming home tonight. I had to teach my wife how to handle a check book and to keep it balanced.

You and your husband have to blend your lives together. You do what you do best and what you know. Your husband does what he does best and what he knows. You share the rest. I hate washing dishes. I like cooking. I am frugal with the dishes I use so there aren't more dishes to wash than what is necessary. And I can carry out the trash and take the trash cans up to the street with the best of them. My wife hates shopping, unless she does it like her parents did, which we can't afford, so I did 90% of the shopping until I retired. Now I do almost 100%. I taught my kids finances and shiopping. My wife taught them their ABC's. We both struggled with their homework. We both took them to church and taught them honesty, integrity, morality and how to pray. We did this by example. I taught my kids what a loving husband does for the woman he loves and cherishes by example. (5 of my 8 kids' spouses have come to me in private to tell me thank you for raising their spouses the way I did!!! That is a warm fuzzy feeling I'll never forget!!!)

Talk about it with your husband. You may both have expectrations that may conflict with your current reality. Decide who is going to do what and BE FLEXIBLE. Things change. Good luck to you and yours.

BTW, and I forgot to say this before, and its is most important for you and your husband... Your husband should be the most important person in your life. He was there before your kids and if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have your kids. Your children should be second in your life. Your parents and his parents should be third. Your husband should hold you as the first one in his life. His kids should come second and his parents and your parents should be third. And again . . . good luck to you and yours

Hello there ladies, my wife and I have talked about this issue early on in our family from the onset of the arrival of our first child who is now 16. We now have 4 children with our youngest a " terrible two" year old son. I am currently working full-time leaving very early in the morning for work(530 a.m.) and quitting time ranges from 3p.m. on the dot to 5:30 p.m. when I need to stay to supervise so I do sympathesize my wife's job of caring for all the children's needs from takin them to school, doctor appts., picking them up after-school, and caring for our son and now taking college courses to complete her degree which we all support because it is high time she is able to do for herself and complete a goal she has had throughout the years we have been married. I feel like most of our household duties are shared. It seems my wife naturally takes on the job of doing most of the chores when she sees it necessary, I do encourage our children to help out and we have set up a chore chart. I too give her the opportunity to just chill out and take a nap or work on what school work she needs done and I will take care of the cleaning, laundry and yard work, I gather my children to help outside even though they do not like it much---- go figure they are teen age girls!!) I think cooperation is important and sharing duties will help engage in a good relationship with your spouse because doing things together is fun. Hopefully your DHs will appreciate the hard work you do and help out too.

my husband works and comes home to work another 2-4 hours in the evening. He totally shares in bedtime bath time routines. I do all meals and cleanup though he pitches in when he sees I'm really tired. In other words, he does more than his fair share. But he is high energy. My sister's husband plops on the couch- low energy.

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I have never been so offended by a question and I am still not sure why you wrote it. As a working mom, I don't feel that I come home to "play house". I work hard at one of the top 10 public High Schools schools in California so my children can have an excellent education. Then I come home and work just as hard being a great mom to my kids. After a summer at home with the kids, I know it is a lot of work raising children, but it is twice as hard being a working parent. My husband is a teacher as well. Since we have the same roles outside of the home, we have the same roles raising our children. Both of us share all kid duties equally without any "role competitions". I love the fact that my husband has such a major role in raising our kids. So many of the husbands of my SAHM friends only really see their kids on the weekends because they work such long hours. Yes, I would love to be home more with my children, but not at the expense of my children not having a strong relationship with their father.

I didn't read your prior posts but as a mom who works outside the home, I don't appreciate the comment of coming home and "playing house". What exactly is that supposed to mean? I own an insurance agency as well as my husband owns his own business. We both work hard outside the home as well as inside. I think if you are a SAHM, you should be doing most of the "housework" if your husband works full time outside the home. If you both work outside the home, then you both need to work at the housework. Check out the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Ok, first off, it's NOT a competition. At least that's what my DH says ;) Honestly in our household, he says my job is to make sure the kids are still alive when he gets home from work. After that we share. I try to keep the house up (with help from the kids age 10, 8 and 2) and make sure there is somethng for dinner, either a home cooked meal or leftovers for a previous night (also with help from the kids because they have to know how to do all this when they get out on their own!). He considers that a perk :) Typically, after dinner, he will give the baby his shower and put him to bed. He is gone for almost 12 hours a day so that's his daddy, baby bonding time. Beyond that, it's a "what needs to get done, gets done" by whoever sees the need to do it.

I know you were looking for a man's perspective but my DH tells me this all the time. If it were up to me, I would do ALL the housework and he would come home to a hot cooked meal every night and need to do nothing. However in reality, sometimes that just doesn't happen. He thinks it's fair that if we all mess up the house we can all pitch in to help.

The parenting duties are most times challenging beyond expectations for most men (and for most women as well!) Men just like women bring different capacities and abilities to a relationship. These abilities can be good or bad depending on who you chose for a mate. Some people will compliment you and some will challenge you; complimenting works better in a committed relationship, especially when kids are involved. This is why it's so important that we talk to our mates and agree on what we expect from one another from the get go and not take it up on ourselves to make important decisions without our mate's approval and consent. Now back to your situation and you husband "entering the parenting role competition." This to me implies that he was never there for your kid(s) Is this the case? Why would you have a committed relationship with someone who won't help if you clearly stated in the beginning of the relationship that you believed in a 50/50 relationship? Didn't he commit to helping more around the house when both of you agreed to have a baby? I could go on and on about the whys but maybe you get my point; if there was no communication or miss communication or selfishness or disrespect ... in the beginning of the relationship; it's going to be really hard to fixed once the honey moon stage is over. While you're thinking that you're being challenged and ,he's thinking that he will make decisions on parenting since you want him more involved; unless both of you sit down and talk, this mode of thinking will most likely bring headaches to your home.
Solution: Sit down and talk with your mate, express in a realistic way, how you need his assistance around the house but do not demand. If he's a good man (and I believe he is otherwise you wouldn't be with him) he will be sensible and understanding. He will also clearly state what he's willing to do or not do. Give him time to adjust and change into real mate-mode. This work would most likely pay off in keeping your family together and your kids with their father. Wish your family great luck!!

What a wonderful question. I am a SAHM. My husband works really hard to provide for us. The children and I do most of the household duties, so that he isn't burdened by more when he gets home. I cook (training daughters to do so, but my sons also can fill in when needed), clean alongside the kids, do the shopping, etc. My husband calls on the way home to see if I need him to pick up anything. I try not to have him do that if at all possible, but do sometimes. I just want him to come home without that added burden. He does direct the boys to the outside chores, and works alongside them when needed (not so much anymore as the boys are all teenaged, so are more independent now). He leads our family in our spiritual growth, bringing us together daily for a time of family worship, where we read from the Bible, sing, and pray together. He disciplines equally with me. He is fully engaged in our home. Although I don't desire that he do much housework because he is already working so much outside the home, he is always willing to pitch in when needed. He will often shoo me out of the kitchen after dinner so that he can minister to me by cleaning up the dishes. Also, he ALWAYS compliments me on dinner in front of the children. He has taught the children to appreciate the work that goes into cooking dinner for them everynight. He doesn't want them to take advantage of that or think that it is what they are owed. (They do deserve to eat, just not maybe with the effort I put into it daily.) We discuss our plan of action with the children. We have a strong vision for them and what we want for their lives. So, we work together to reach that goal. He encourages me in my homeschooling (he does some of it with the older boys because it is important for them to have that time with Dad). He also often will take a couple to work with him, maybe 2 times a week or so. He's a great man. God has blessed me so much!