Mom Seeking Suggestions...

I have to say that you need help. and it is great that you see that. I think you need to focus on your daughter. It is great she is in couseling but I think you need to go together. and after her you need to get your husband involved in counseling with you and as a family. but keep some sessions for just you and your daughter. If he will not go for the help then I think you need to take your daughter and leave. he is harmful to her and to you. You need to try and make it wok but if he wont try then there is no point. You sound miserable. I feel for you. I wish I had more to say but I just dont know how to offer help except I will say a prayer for you.

I have never been one to sugar coat anything so here I go:

The most important thing in your life HAS to be your daughter. If he isn't treating her well then you need to realize that he is also part of the problem. He is however part of the problem that can be fixed.

Talk to your daughter and explain to her why you get frustrated. Ask her to be involved in making life changes. Work together as a family (you and your daughter) to change together.

I am saddened reading this.
First of you are not a single mom.
You are married.
You and your husband should go to counseling.
Your daughter is a young girl lashing out for attention, love and acceptance. She is probably conditioned to feeling connected through anger and frustration and needs that to feel part of your family.
YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD NOT BELITTLE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He should be there for support, not to talk down to you telling you how much better he and his kids are.
You do not need to stay in this relationship. He is making you feel bad. He is helping your terrible thoughts. He could help but he is not. If he is treating your daughter poorly and you allow this your daughter might feel you love him more and feel rejected (is rejected)
Take should out of that sentence I MUST act more wisely!
All of you should go to family counseling. There is a family issue. She is the result, not the problem. You have to first fix your self (you and your husband)
The single married mom thing is a big clue (red flag)to ditch the dodo and find a loving relationship between you and your daughter. She should come first, if hubby cant see this, he has the issues.
You will NEVER be able to own all the problems your family has.
That is making you sick.
Please rethink every thing going on.
You can make it a better place for you and your daughter.
YOU have the power
You CAN do it!
Your Daughter Believes in YOU.

Don't mean to sound like a motivational speaker but I want you and your daughter to have the lives you desire. It is hard being a single mom. I am. I love it. I don't have to worry bout any one telling me I suck or its my fault. I don't say those things to my self so my daughter wont say those things to her self. Children are so smart and they are little mirrors. Take the next step to better your life. You know what it is.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.
(now I'm going to read others responses)

Hi I am J. I am 35 years old and know what you're going through . Although I have worked things out with my husband it was me and 3 children on our own. My son was very emtional and anger problems I felt I screwed everythimg up. My patience with my children and myself was running dry. One day I gave up
I started not to care I talked so awful to my kids, I thought oh my gosh what am i doing? First of all I can't argue or even compete with a 5, 3 or 1 year when it comes to feelings, They are barely learning how to convey how they fell and thier frustration of why their Dad was so mean to then and so nice to other kids. It hurts to see your kids hurt and you feel you did a horrible job at picking out their Father and protecting them. I thought my kids are going to be scewed up forever! But One day their Dad changed, He wanted to love them like he should have. I wanted to tell it is too late, but me kids long for a fathers love. So one day I fell to my knees I gave mylife to GOD, I gace my kids and alll my mistakes to Him too, I also gave their Father to God. I tell you there is nothing like a FATHERS love GODS love. I know you probably think this is hokey, but it is true! I started to serve GOD and take my Kids to church, I focused on building them up, praying with them at night even for their Dad. I made special days for us, and let them know that it is ok to feel sad, mad , or angry that those were feeings that GOD gave to help us know what was going on in us. I let them draw, build, even rip paper to get their feellings out and them we prayed. Sometimes we just cried together. It takes time and consistancy to undo bad habits, but when it is all said and done I was helped to, seeing my children work through their feelings and helping them, helped me work out my own. We all learned to Have Grace for each other, and I forgave myself,and had grace for myself, just as GOd had for me. You said you are married does your husband spend any positive time with your daughter? I know he is not her Father, but he can be a Dad. That can also help your daughter. Remember for every 1 negative word it takes 7 positives to undo that 1. You also need some time to yourself to help you focus and jsut be you.
well, I have alot more to say, but I will end with this, the day I let Jesus in mylife was the best day, It hasn't been easy , but those hard don't seem as hard with Him anymore.
Oh yeh God did reconcile My husband and the children and our marriage. Laughter helped us to, we like to see alot of funny movies together.
I hope I helped a little.
J.

Hi D.,so now you reconise your faults that you have made with your daughter.when we are angry at our spouse. we tend to take out on the next available person that would be your daughter. first you need to see if your husband now would be willing to go to counceling with you for your marriage,2 you need to see if he will be willing to go to parenting classes as well with you.he is no means the perfect father.and for him to say what he did to you that was way out of line.sounds like he is taking his children over you, if it were me if he could not commit to going to these meeting to help the family to be stronger i would be out of there.because you and your child do not deserve that kind of treatment from anyone.i would get my daughter into counceling as well as myself/because you keep hurting your daughter like this she will not come to you for anything because now she is going to be scared of the concequences from you. you need to nip this in the bud now.and if you are not truely happy get out ask family for help but get on your own with your daughter.then both continue with help and don't get into a relationship until you can get your self together.for the sake of your daughter as well as your self keep us posted would be courios how you go about all of this. I wish you luck but get some help.

D.,

First of all I should say that it is VERY hard to be a single mom, I am a single mom of a 16 months old girl, and I stoped pretending I got everything covered because it is not true, I ask for help from anybody, my family is not with me they live in another country so I rely in co-workers and basically strangers.

I would suggest you to separate things, first deal with your internal issues, you are not perfect, but guess what nobody is, so instead of judging yourself you should try to change what you do not like, you have that power, after you start fixing this, deal with your daughter. She is not messed up. I guess she needs love like everybody else and she trust you, having her seeing a terapist is a great idea. When you feel the impulse to scream just breath, and count to ten, it works for me.
Then you should deal with your husband, but remember your problems as a couple is one thing, and how he treats your daughter is another, when he decided to marry you, he knew you had her, that came with the package. So he needs to be loving a caring with her, even though she does not treat him weel, he is an adult, she is a child, that deals with having an absent father, plus the recent loss of her grandfather.
Be patience, and give credit to yourself.
Hope this helps, nothing is irreversible, we can change things, take control of our lives an look for happiness, so go for it!

Hi D.,
I am not in your position but I want to offer some support for you. It sounds from your email that working full time and trying to be a mom and handle your new husband is too much for you and would be for anyone! Your daughter probably feels abandoned by her dad, losing her grandpa and then by you since you are now married and are dividing your time with your new husband, his kids and working. Perhaps this new husband was a mistake if he is mean to your girl and you and your daughter should go off on your own again. Whatever you decide, remember your daughter and you have had a lot of loss and you are the only constant in each other's lives. Good luck to you.

A.

Hello D. I know how you feel. I am now a single mother and just got out of my marriage because the way he treated me but mostly because he was always treating my daughter really bad and made his own kids look like angels. I have been separated for 1 year and I have learned to open up the communication with my daughter again. I try to spend time with just her and I. She is now starting to open up and is not so angry anymore. when I read about you I feel like I am reading my story. Its hard but you will make the right choices. Just listen to your heart and listen to your daughter and you will find the right path. Sometimes it takes awhile it took me 2 years to get up the strength to kick my husband out and fix things with my life. If you ever want to talk just send me a message I am always around to help.

Honey I feel your Pain! I personally have felt the same about myself and my relationship with my kids. I have to admit you are in a much harder situation than I am in, but you are not alone in the way you feel. Let me start by saying maybe the one who needs to see a counselor is you. As a mom, you need to have someone to confide it, someone to trust and talk you through it. Someone who is not going to judge you, but try to help you. I think that's part of what is so great about this website. In a perfect world we would be able to talk with our husbands about everything and they would give us the support we need. But in this day and age, husbands just don't seem to get it. In fact I don't think they've gotten it since the garden of Eden.

The key thing is to sit down your little girl and let her know you love her, that this is not her fault and that Mommy is having a tough time right now. Let her know you're sorry for being mean and that you're trying to be nicer. She's 8, if my 5 year old can get it, I'm sure your 8 year old will too. That was the key to me being able to control my anger isssues. I explained to my daughter why I was mad, but that I didn't mean to get SO MAD. I told her that if I was really mean to her, that AFTER I CALM DOWN she should come talk to me and explain that I hurt her feelings. And what exactly it was that did it. Because WHEN I'M MAD, I'm not aware of everything I say and do. I explained also that this doesn't mean whatever she did wasn't bad, just that it's not nice to hurt people, even if you're the mommy.

After that conversation... I started being more aware when I yelled at her or got so angry I wanted to hurt someone. I started making myself walk away, because I didn't ever want her to pull me aside and say I was being mean. It's been a long tough road and I catch myself A LOT, but it's slowly getting better. And my little girl is starting to realize HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, and that I JUST COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER. Because in all honesty, those little hugs and I love you's really make your long tough day better. And I told her that her hugs can make me happy, so if she sees I'm having a tough day, she should always ask me if I need a hug. And I remember to do the same for her.

Well, I don't know if this helped, but in the very least, know that you are not alone. There are millions of parents with anger issues. And millions of parents who don't understand us. But... as long as you can learn your breaking point... so you don't end up in the paper for losing it and killing your kid... everything can be worked out and fixed. Believe it can be done, give love to your kids as much as you can and smile even when you don't want to. It helps you all heal. God bless you and good luck. YOU ARE a treasure to that Little Girl, don't ever forget it. =)

D.,
First off, where does your husband have the right to treat you or your child that way? He came into the marriage knowing about your child, right? When he married you he also agreed to treat that child with respect also. It sounds as if he doesn't respect either of you. I don't want to step on your toes so if I am wrong I apologize. Second, there are parenting classes and anger management in our area. The one thing I have learned is to count to 10. Cheesy? NO! It helps. I have 11 and 8 year old girls that are always on each other for something. Take time for yourself. Even if it is 10 minutes. You need that time to stop, think, and calm down. Try not to handle the situation until you have a clear mind.I hope I have helped even a little. If you need someone to talk to mom to mom you can call me. I'm a stay at home mom and would enjoy contact with the outside world. my number is ###-###-####

Hello, first I think that you need to see a counselor/therapist and work out your issues so that you can help your daughter. Anger management class is a great thing and it helps tremendously. Your not a bad parent, things happen. You definitely need to address the issues that your husband has with your daughter. Because if he's constantly comparing her to his own kids, it will be severely detrimental to her. I grew up in a house where that took place sometimes, and it still effects us to this day. Also, the fact that you consider yourself a single mother and you're married is sad. You have to address your husband, if he's not going to support you and help you and your daughter through these difficult times, then why are you still together? You may as well be on your own. If you got away from him and completely focused on your little girl and yourself, things would be a lot better. Do you think that a lot of your anger problems are because of the men that have been in your life? Brcause you know, you're a strong woman and you don't need a man in your life. It's better for you and your daughter to be happy and stable, and if that means no man, then that's the way it has to be. You have to fix this. And blaming yourself is just going to make it worse. Take control, you're the mom, get some help to save her. And if you can't lean on your husband, leave. Because whether he thinks so or not, he's contributing to her emotional instability. And it sounds like he's making you miserable. You can do it, you just have to own it and be honest with yourself and your daughter. She needs you to pull through so that she can pull through. I hope that I've helped a little. Good luck.....K.

Most important, make sure not to get pregnant again till your difficult one is more stable/or older. Then, Let others help. Let her have playtime at friends (kids at school) homes/ parks etc... (Your difficult one may find she acts her best with other kids parents) Ask the other mothers how she behaves for them- you may be surprised... along with the therapy suggestings you are getting and time...She will grow- up and be her own person and you will always be her mom...

Hi D.,

I know you did it on your own for 4 years and I know how hard that is because that's what I've been doing since I found out I was pregnant. There is help out there. If you have to do that you will make it. My theory is that if God brings you to it he will lead you through it and you are stronger than you think you are so just keep pushin...

Since I left my daughters father I decided that no one would ever be higher than her. I have dated off and on, but nothing really serious. It's hard to find someone who will hold your child up in as high a regard as you do and if you're having a hard time being patient with her and are being to harsh the man in your life could just be following your lead.

I didn't marry him, but I dated a guy for about 8 months after I broke off with my ex. He was wonderful with my daughter and still is even though we don't get along well in a relationship we are great friends. My daughter knows him as a friend and loves spending time with him. On the other hand as wonderful as he is with my daughter I have seen him with his new girlfriend and her child and let me tell you there is a serious contrast. He treats her child the same way she does which is authoritative and harsh. Kind words do not come easily and I have brought this to his attention several times. He isn't sure how to act because if he's nicer than her mom she gets upset because she says he is undermining her...strange situation in my eyes.

I was raised in a very loving family where discipline is used as needed. I have no major issues with my daughter and rarely have to be "mean" although sometimes I do raise my voice or give her a swat on her rear to get her attention it is very rare.

I would try some family counseling, the anger managment classes and parenting class sounds great too! And as someone else said before, counting to 10 is a wonderful way to make sure you're not reacting purely out of anger and frustration. Also if it's something serious, tell her to go to her room and wait for you. Give yourself 10 minutes or so to calm down and then calmly talk to her about the problem. These are things my mom did with me and I think I turned out ok.

My prayers are with you, good luck!
S. :)

Dear D.,
My heart goes out to you. Your little girl is in so much emotional pain. If your instinces tell you that your daughter is not receiving the affection that is warranted from your husband....you are probably correct! May I suggest that you make absolutely SURE that you are loving and caring to HIS children and then ask that your husband go to marriage counceling with you. If he refuses to go you must think of your child. You brought her into this world. It is your responsibility to give her a life worth living until she is grown. If your husband sees that you are serious about seeing a therapist he may re-evaluate his treatment of your little girl. But DO see a therapist....even if it is just you and your little angel.
God bless you and her,
M. Lou

I'm sorry that you have yourself and your daughter in such a bad situation. The first thing that you could do to help is let her know that in no way is what is happening her fault. Let her know everyday, over and over again, that you love her, even if it sounds like your being repetitive. It really does help! And if you are experiencing stress in your marriage and then turning around and taking it out on your daughter, then it is only reinforcing her negative feelings. If the man your married to is treating your daughter badly, then you must be strong and removing him from both your lives. That is truely horrible that he would even think that a child that he has willing taken under his care should be treated bad. And since you already don't think that he's changed all that much, then you know what to do. Your instincts are your strongest ally. Listen to them! Good luck. I wish your daughter the best.

D.,

I think Clark College has parenting classes or you could call your pediatrican and ask them to suggest who offers them. You didn't mention if you are going to a counselor or not, but that might be helpful for you too.

First, the man you married should be more supportive. So you didn't make the wisest choice in a father for your daughter, you have her - I would tell him that "I wouldn't change the fact that she's may daughter for the world, like her father or not, she's mine and I love her". Plus he clearly isn't with the mother of his children - so who is he to talk. AND if he's saying/acting the way he is, maybe you settled on him as well...
But back to you...you need 1-1 with your daughter. When I left my husband my middle child took it very hard and blamed herself. I finally had a sit down cry session with her. I let her know I was not perfect and that I mess up too (I'm sometimes very harsh on her) Finally she just got it. It wasn't her. I told her how I felt, I told her what went wrong, what I needed and wanted, I asked her what she wanted/needed etc. I'm with a new guy now (3yrs with him) and I at times need to defend my kids - I'm the easy going mom that likes to hang out with the kids, I get fed up and I discipline too, but mainly I go with it. - He's a little more intense, but so great when it comes to having fun...
Talk with your daughter - bond more with her
Talk with your Husband - NO MORE COMPARISONS, he married you and you can with a daughter, either he steps up and accepts her as "his own" or you need to reconsider your options - as difficult as that may be
Good luck

I would suggest taking one day a week to have a special mom and daughter date. She needs to know she is still your number one. You will both grow closer and then the two of you can take on the world together. It may take time but it will make a world of difference. Even if it is just going to McDonalds alone to get a 1$ ice cream cone or to the park - you will show her that you are her stability and you are there for her.

Just a side note, you have to lose the guilt. So maybe you did make a bad choice. But you can move forward from this day on and make a good one. Your family feeds off of your emotions whatever they may be. Also, read Dr. Laura "The proper care and Feeding of Husbands". It changed my marriage.

Good luck. You are a wonderful person for trying to change. Take it one day at a time! Good luck

Wowwww...being a single parent is very hard. I have three teens and the man I was married to was not the father to my oldest two. Tell her it is not her fault. As for your husband now...hes being a pain in the butt(and I am being nice about the word). He should not say that it is your fault all entirely. We all make mistakes its how we deal with them and make them better. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it is hard as I am kind of going through some rough spots right now as well. But you are aware what is going on and that is good. As far as you being married but still being alone..maybe get into some kind of women's club from a church or something. If you feel like you are having problems go and talk to somebody at mental health or friends or family members. Have like a play date. Do you and your husband ever talk about whats going on? I hope that helped a little bit knowing that there a lot of us out here that have been or are in your shoes. Just remember that there are people out here who will listen and give you a ear so you can talk or vent. Take care and if you need to talk you can email me

Sorry to hear of your situation. I will keep you in my prayers. Counseling hopefully will help. It would break my heart to hear her say those things, she is such a young girl. Sounds like you already have gotten on the right path, HANG IN THERE!!!

Hi D.,

I felt so sad when I read your story. Then I was upset. That husband of yours is supposed to be there to be supportive. It seems to me like he is part of the problem not the solution. Do you talk to your daughter? Do you tell her that you love her all the time? I am a single mother, granted I only have one son. Girls seem to be more emotional by nature. When you say that your husband has not treated her well in the past How? We all get upset but there is no need to take it out on the kids your stress from everything might be what is making you blow up. Have you tried getting counseling? We are strong but sometimes we need that person to talk to and it doesn't seem like you have that. Walk away from a situation for a little bit next time you think you are going to yell at your daughter. She probably feels that nobody wants her. Did the problem start after grandpa passed or was it like that before? I am not a professional just a mom. Sometimes kids just need to know that someone is on there side. No I don't have behavior issues with my son but, he did talk about we didn't love him allot after his father and I divorced. What I did was just ashore him that we did and let him know that it was not his fault that is important. I don't know if this will help I just felt compelled to answer your request. Take care and Good luck.

Carol

You are a normal parent with normal feelings I can relate in some ways to your situation My son was 1 years old when I married my husband and we started having alot of problems with the bio dad up till we got married wanted nothing to do with my son all of a sudden wanted custody and of course the stress from me and my husband fighting my son started reacting with lots of tears and he started even having tantrums so we delt with the situation the best we could not perfectly i think back now and there were somethings that i could have done differently but my advice to you is just take it a day at a time and just pray alot deep breaths... find some support group in your comunity look threw you local hospital I know where I live they have lots of groups and help for parenting and lots of good ideas from other parents not only that but you will find out that there are lots of parents with maybe not the exact but simular problems. One thing I find helpfull with my kids all 5 of them is when I do blow things out of porportion I give myself a chance to calm down and then go and talk things out and ask questions like why do you think I said that or did that or what ever just to make them part of the conversation and let them help me resolve the situation too and of course alot of reassuring that i am human just because I am a grown up doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes and If it is called for I will quickly admit I was wrong and say I am sorry and of course remind that even when I am mad as can be I still love them always... Hope this helps even if just a little I know parenting is hard but we all make mistakes and since we cant take them back just trry to explain and make them better... if you ever need to talk I am a great listener i know we all need someone to vent to
V. N

Dear D.,

No harsh words, you are in deep enough without that. Maybe you and your daughter can go to a therapist or counselor together. You cannot work this out alone and that is what you are, for sure. Your daughter's future depends upon you and she being close. Think this through very slowly and carefully, do not feel guilty, that is just not in the equation. Feel inwardly quiet, watch and think, find a counselor or therapist that you trust. Let your daughter help you find just the right one. Go for it girl. It is the most important thing that you will ever do. Honest.

Been there and didn't handle it as well as you have a chance to do.

C. N.

Perhaps family counseling? This would have to include his kids, and then maybe a couple private sessions for you and your daughter. If someone can help the two of you comminicate better with eachother, it could help qiute a bit. I feel for you! But if your married, your not a single parent anymore, right? He needs to support you, and comparing "your" daughter to "his" kids doesnt seem helpful. Good luck!

First of all I think that there needs to be some serious consideration for what is going on in your home. When he married you, he became a part of your daughters life and he should not be saying you are a single mother, he is there and as a husband he should be supporting you, it sound as if he is pushing you down. Does he consider himself a single father? After all he has 2 children and is not with their mother. None the less I believe that you and your daughter should try counciling together. It seems that maybe some specail time together doing something relaxing to build a bond might help. I don't know how close the two of you are, but I know that every girl wants a bond with their mother. Also don't feel so alone in feeling as if your a wreck, so many of us feel as if were a mess and look around at others who have "everything together."

it sounds to me like you are dealing with a lot of guilt it also sounds like your husband is only increasing your guilt if he is calling your daughter unstable while his are well have his kids had to lose anyone close to them he sounds mentally abusive to you and your daughter I mean what's his prob. if he has children from another marriage maybe he should have choosen more wisely I hate to give this advice but I think that you need to leave him and focus you time on you daughter My mom was a single mom of four and when she finally left my stepdad life became a whole lot easier for me and you daughter prob. feels the same way. I hope that some of this helps and remember you are only human you and your daughter only need each other.

oh yeah and one more thing stop telling you daughter there is some thing wrong with her tell her she is perfect and that sometimes we all have to go through rough times and that it is too bad it happened to her (if she thinks that people see her poorly she prob. wants to change that and doesn't know how and is transfering all that into self hatred)

D.,

Your daughter does not need to be treated like a second class citizen by your husband! You need to think of yourself and her. Reading your plyte makes me mad. You are allowing this man to treat your daughter the way he does. It sounds as if she has been through alot in her short 8 years of life and you being mean to her is not helping. She is acting out because that is the only attention she is getting. As much as you dont want to believe it, she can tell that you and your husband do not get along and that he does not like her. So her acting out is the only way she knows how to get attention. Be it good or bad.
Please for your daughter and for yourself get some counseling. You both need the help. So does your husband for that matter. Is your marriage worth staying in if you are misrable? Is your daughter important enough to you to fix this problem?

Think about it.

take it easy, you are not alone. i was a single parent to 2 teenagers which was very diffcult, i understand how u feel, i had anger problems myself, the best thing to do is seek help. therapy with your daughter or by yourself. anger management works well also. i hope i was of help to you.......... D.

Hi D.,
My daughter is 10 and son is 8. Their father passed away a little over 3 years ago and they are still morning. My son and daughter attended a program through Hospice called "Good Grief", especially for children who have lost a close loved one. This was an extremely big step for all of us. Also, my son is still in therapy and has just admitted his sadness of losing his father. It is not an easy thing for us mothers/only parents to raise children who have feelings that we as adults find difficult to deal with. I would suggest calling your local Hospice office if you havent already. Also, I attended a parenting class called "Project Parenthood" and that definately guided my parenting into a more successful road. Although, it is still very difficult and I feel for you. It is also really difficult to deal with a marriage on the rocks and be a concerned parent. The only advice I have for you is to take the time to spend with your daughter, to watch a movie, to read a book, anything. I have learned that your time is the greatest gift you can give your child. Also, remember that she is young and like I had mentioned, it is difficult for even adults to deal with losing a loved one let a lone a child who doesnt understand why they feel the way the do. She is most likely acting up to get your attention, weather it be negative, it is still attention. Give her positive strokes and re inforcement as much as possible and tell her you love her as much as you can. Leave a sticky note on her door or in her book, what ever effort it takes, she needs to know you love her even when you disagree.

I hope this helps, and you are more then welcome to email me back if you like. I know by experience that this is a difficult time. You sound like a very wise and strong person, just focus on your daughter, she is more important then anything. Remember, she didnt ask to be here. Good luck and I wish you the best. Hang in there.