"Mom Seeking Advice Dealing with Boy Trouble"

Three words: Never trust teenagers.
I don't mean that in a bad way, even good kids have trouble making the right choices. I think you can start trusting them when they're about 25:)

Keep those lines of communication open. Has your daughter had nice friends up to this point in her life? Meet all friends and get to know them. Did you know your daughter was at the park? Did you get the sense of WHY your daughter had to "run and hide"-was she NOT where she said she would be? You'll know, hopefully, before school starts whether to trust your daughter, alone, after school (At the very least, have neighbors, occasionally, drop by!) but there's so much to talk to your daughter about, like drinking, drugs, (at the park!) peer pressure. You want to make sure that your home doesn't become the "party house" after school, either. Afterschool activities abound at that age. Being involved in a sport or club, with another parent helping with the transportation, would be a suggestion. Getting a jump on that, this summer by going to a sport's camp, would help. Boredom, at that age, is dangerous. I'm guessing she is going into 8th grade. Also, I believe, with our kids, we should share our own wisdom, knowledge and experience - we just don't need to share ALL of the details of all the poor choices that we made when we were young. My daughter, too, is at that magical age of 13. She's a lovely young lady who I trust but...I can't be foolish to think she won't be influenced by others to make poor choices, yet, I've had to give her a little more space. Hard balance - just keep doing your best! Good luck! Congrats on your marriage - grammar school crush - you just never know!

hi R., my only daughter is 16 now. i knew from my own teen years that i couldn't let any child i had alone during the teen years. somehow, God worked it out that i could work part-time and be home when she got home. it was financially difficult, but it has been well worth it. but that may not be your situation. please have her be at a friends house. we love our kids, but their judgement goes out the window. i don't care how good we think they are, they are capable of disasterous choices. plus, she is going to push back tremendously from now until whenever. so do not fall into the guilty parenting trap! which is, "oh, well, she's moody, so i won't discipline her...." it happens all the time with my sister and my daughters friends parents. now for 4 years, i've witnessed the results of that, and that is kids who have no boundaries and parents that are too tired to deal with it. so be strong and firm, but with kindness and love. you will be spent, but save room for her. make lunch dates, and movie nights with just the two of you, especially since you are sharing your time now with your new husband. your husband needs to be first, but, she needs to feel she matters, even though she won't tell you that. soon, she will act as if you are crazy and you know nothing, but don't let that stop you from trying to show her you love her with your time. two more things. have your husband take your daughter out for breakfast or dinner, or miniature golfing-whatever, but once a week, at least. they need to develop their own relationship as father, daughter. at this point, all girls look for affirmation from boys/men. if they get that fun loving attention from their dad, she won't crave the boys so much. her dad needs to "date" her so he can teach her how to be treated by boys, and talk about these issues from a man's perspective. if he does this now, when he/you have to discipline her for behavior issues, then she will feel love along with it. if he doesn't do this, then she will see you both as just dictators. lastly, (finally-right?) are you a christian? because the only person that has really been able to help me when my teen goes out (and she'll be driving soon) is Christ. He sees all and i have to put her in his hands and trust Him to take care of her at all times. feel free, R. j, to email me if you need any support during these years. our teens are facing so much, they don't even know how to comprehend it all, and when you are in the thick of it, you may feel all alone and you might question your judgement. i know i did. here is a website to a program that has been a lifesaver to me. hope i helped, take care, P.. http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3843443//

The reason she ran is because she knew you'd be angry. And guess what? You were. She's going to talk to boys and (gasp) kiss them in the park. Not surprised here - she's curious about kissing boys and no amount of abstinence talk from mom is going to stamp it out. But, if she's a good kid, there's no need to watch her like a hawk, hoping you'll catch her in the act. Her running from you just speaks loads to me. She doesn't trust you to not be angry with whatever she does.

As for her going to a friend's house after school, I think that would be more for your peace of mind than anything else. I'm assuming she's a good kid, that respects your rules.

There is nothing wrong with her going to a friends house but don't you think this is a perfect opportunity to talk this over with your new husband and see what his input is.

You are the only one who really knows your daughter. I agree, why would she run unless she was with a boy that you would not approve of. Have you asked her to have the young man come over to the house or did you get his name so you could introduce yourself to his parents.
Getting really angry is not always the answer because it can just drive her further away. Talking to her was a really great idea but I would keep a close eye on what she is doing and if that means going over to a friends house, then two thumbs up. Keep the lines of communication open.

Best of Luck,
S.

By your very statement " I CAUGHT her standing very close to a boy reveals a lot possibly about your attitude on the subject. She I am quite sure has not missed that attitude which could be the reason they ran. I politely suggest thatmaybe the lines of communication are not as open as you think.

sounds to me like they're already experamenting or they wouldn't be running or trying to hide anything. Unless the girlfriends paarent is home in the fall to oversee the teens, there will be a problem there also. Good luck. Maybe you need to be home with her or her dad.

I can empathize but do you remember when you were 13? I would suggest setting limits around what she does when she gets home so the temptation is REMOVED! Going to a home where a parent supervises and who does not allow kids up into bedrooms, etc. is a good idea.
I remember trying to "hide" having a boy over (at her age) and was up to nothing yet i still panicked and reacted in a similiar fashion as your duaghter did so hopefully that's all it is............too but to keep it that way, make sure a reliable adult is around!!! and keep involved in her life.
Try to talk about that topic from time to time w/ her when it seems natural to--like after a movie that deals w/ dating, etc. That way, hopefully, she'll feel more comfortable talking about boys and confiding in you. good luck; i think all moms w/ kids this age need it!
K.,
mother of an 11 and half y.o. girl, 8 y.o boy and 6 y.o. boy and a children and family counselor (LCPC) whose a stay home mom

My son had a girl stalking him around school to the point that they had to have a teacher aide escort him from class to class. The aide told me how the girl w/be standing at the door every time my son left class and tried her best to get past the aide. The principal attempted to speak to mother who refused to tell her daughter to stop stalking my son. I called the M. and she accused me of calling her daughter a slut when I stated I thought it would be a good idea for them to spend less time together. I never called names, just said we should exercise our parental skills and get the kids redirected to other things. The mother would drop the girl off at our house in the afternoon and come back 2/3 hours later. I tried everything but w/no success. Of course my son was ready and willing and didn't see a problem (of course!). Principal and counselor said it was up to me to exercise parental control. After graduation the family moved a distance away and my son went on to other things but the girl kept calling for almost two years. Point being, kids are very aware of sexual relationships and peer pressure is high. I would not allow her home alone after school. Either at a friend's house where there is parental supervision or perhaps an older woman who would like to make a few bucks would be willing to sit in house and supervise who comes and goes. This has nothing to do with trust. At 13, your daughter is not yet at the point where she can make the right choices. You need to provide the structure for her. Whatever you do, don't turn away and think it will be okay. Today's teens need more parenting than ever to get them through this rough period. Good luck.

Hi R.,

I'm a single mother of two. My oldest is a girl is soon turning 15. I understand exactly what you're talking about. I had a similar incident happen with my daughter. Ask her questions about the boy to get her to thinking if this is someone or something she should be entertaining at 13. I asked my daughter what did she like about that boy. Funny thing was she didn't have an answer. :) Check the phone, emails, bookbags, lockers, etc to see what you find. At that age you have to really stay on top of them. This generation is really exploring things early. They are searching for love and affection most times not really understanding their new hormones. :) I'm not sure of her father's role in her life, but the lack of that male figure does cause them to seek a little more I've found. Stay prayerful and talk to your daughter often. Communication is key. :)

I don't have a daugher, but I had a very understanding mom and a very strict father. So, I kind of had both ends of the deal. First and foremost, your daughter is probably embarassed. Wether she actually likes this boy or not, she knows the first conclusion your going to jump to. She needs to know that not every conversation or contact she has with a boy has to be about attraction. By making so much of this one incident, she will work harder to hide things from you. Not necessarily because there is something going on, but because she knows what your going to think right away. And by having a talk with her and the boy together, I'm sure that embarrassed her to no end. I know it's a rough stage, but you do have to trust that you've given her the information, the confidence, and the communication that she needs to make the right decisions.

I think that now-a-days we have to be a lot more careful with our daughters and sons about boys or girls. I think leaving her home alone can be a bit risky. I think maybe that you should try leaving her with someone you can trust until some one is at home this should not mean that you do not trust your daughter this only means that you want to protect your daughter from maybe making a huge mistake one day. Lets face it even good girls make dumb mistakes but I think we as parents need to take extra percautions. We never know what that boy maybe telling your daughter that just might convince her of doing something when you are not around. Anyway, mothers have an instinct about things and we need to listen to it. Take care!

i agree with the other poster - that if your daughter ran and you say you "caught" her - that your lines of communication are not as open as you are saying. why did you "catch" her? and why can she not have a conversation with a boy? and why are you so certain that she is going to lie to you? if she has not lied to you previously, and you have had an open relationship up to this point, there is no reason to assume she will change her behavior now.
i have fostered several teen-age girls, and the same things have worked with all types of behavior and all types of mentalities: YOU be honest with them about exactly how you feel (nervous, scared, worried, excited...) and exactly what you expect them to do and not do with boys (no dating alone until 15, birth control before having sex, all new friends and boys have to come over for dinner before they can hang out alone with your daughter...). if you explain why these guidelines are in place, and that you want to treat her and her friends/boyfriends with respect, you should have no problems.

Keep the lines of communication open and give her some of the responsibility of trust. I believe she is too young to be left alone because that gives her the opportunity to be alone with a boy. Often making a big emphasis on situations causes young people to do just what we don't want them to do. Perhaps this is the time for more one on one time between the two of you; maybe more girl time shopping for simple things that interest her and not so much on the situation at hand. We have to build trust with our daughters and not assume because we are the mother that trust comes along with who we are. Spend time with her and build from there and she will learn responsibility from your example. Teaching comes from other forms besides dictation. I pray this works out for you.

Your concerns come with good reason. You have a child! and a teenager at that. And like others have said, children or teenagers don't always make good choices. It is essential that each child be in a loving environment with parental guidance when they are home. A lot of children may resist and say they don't like it, but really they do. They need to know someone is looking after them, it helps them to know they are cared about. Another friend's home may be nice, but their parents may not have the same guidance or influence that you would want over your child every day. They're only under your wing for a little bit, don't let this crucial time pass you by. Since we can always make more money but we can't make more time, maybe your new husband would work with you to have less hours at work so you could be home in the afternoons for you daughter and then when she is grown you can take on more hours. Best regards to you and your family. And congratulations on your marriage! Sincerely, M.
A little about me: I come from a latch key home. My mom was a single mom during my teenage years and my sister and I came home from school nearly each day with no one there. Although I didn't get into much trouble with the boys, I wish my mom would have been there to protect me from my sister's rage, she was very abusive.