I Don't Want to Be Harsh... What Do You Think?

I would not have contacted the child. If it was my child i would not appreciate another parent reprimanding her. That is my job. I am by no means attacking you.

Have you thought about it from another perspective? Having her over gives you a chance to see her true behavior. It also lets the child see how another family acts. (in a positive manner)

I do understand where you are coming from. My 10 year old has a bossy friend. I cringe when she comes over. I do politely remind them all to be nice when they are playing. (i direct it to all of them, hoping that she gets the point)

11 is a tough age. They are pushing their boundaries. They want to be teens. I have 4 daughters and am one of 5 girls. It is all normal. They need to be gently reminded. But, not on fb and not directly to the little girl. That is not fair to her.

She may not know it, but you are doing her a huge favor. Most moms I know would not tell her why. They would simply start weeding the girl out.

I think you are right to be concerned.

My first thought is that you should perhaps not be telling a person for whom you have no responsibility what she can or cannot do on Facebook. Instead, I would think that it would be better to not allow your own daughter to have a Facebook page yet, at age 11. Instead of telling somebody that they can't be on Facebook with your child, tell your child that they cannot be connected via social media to whomever you deem irresponsible or dangerous or annoying or whatever else.

And for you to be connected via Facebook with 11 year old girls is only going to lead to frustration and trouble. Why is this girl able to message you? And why would you discuss your parenting decisions with a pre-teen acquaintance of your daughter's?

I do think it was inappropriate to scold that other child for her interaction with her sister (even if it was bad). If you are a leader in that group, you could perhaps say something then, like "please display good sportsmanship", but not afterwards, from your home over the internet.

I don't think you are being too harsh, necessarily, but I do think you are focusing your energy in the wrong place. Teach your child. Tell your daughter "there are going to be many inappropriate things that you will see and hear, and I will not permit some things in our house." Limit your daughter's computer interactions, not other people's. You don't need to explain to the other girl why you are not going to interact with her on Facebook but you need to tell your own daughter and help her learn to keep it private, between you and her.

I am not sure why you feel so bad? Did you pray about it? That seems to be your answer for the little girl so I assume you take your own advice.

I have no idea of what your idea of 'raunchy' is, so I can not speak to whether or not you did the correct thing in confronting her about it. In my opinion, I would rather another adult come to me about something my child has done not directly to my child. Did you give her grandparents a heads-up about the pictures?

*To be honest, the only part that made me cringe was when you told her to 'pray' about her behavior. I do not like that, but that is just me. I do not like other people telling me when they think I need to talk to God, to me that is a very personal choice. From your post you make it sound as if you do not even attend their church with them, if that is the case then the praying part is even worse, in my book. Again, that is just my opinion.

I don't think it's appropriate for you to be friends with young girls on Facebook.

And as for telling her to "pray about" her behavior--creepy and uncalled for. Sounds a bit self-righteous.

Your mistake was in telling some other girl what she can & cannot do. You should focus on your own daughter.

Not sure what the church, quizzing OR what the other girls do on FB is anyone but their concern? Your concern is YOUR daughter and her FB account.

I think you are doing the right thing, and not being too harsh at all. You have to protect your kid and watch who they hang out with!!

I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you are letting your 11 year old make the computer rules. You CAN purchase software that blocks access to facebook on her computer. We have it on my 12 year olds computer. She's working on a history research project on her laptop right now. It won't allow her on to facebook or any social networking sites. She's tried. We always get the emails that tell us what sites she tries that are blocked to her. Now she knows its pointless. It doesn't work. Only a few of her friends are facebooking. More of her friends are not. A lot of families don't allow their under 13's on facebook.

It sounds like your daughter could use a few more positive friends. I have nothing against homeschooling, but I feel for your daughter because it sounds like she isn't getting to know a larger group of her peers. So she's stuck with these same Awana girls as friends. It would be good for her if she had some choices, more girls to call. Different girls to invite for sleepovers. Girls who aren't on facebook at all yet. What does she get to do to get out and meet more people? Any special interests or hobbies?

I would not get into any debate with an 11 year old friend of my daughter whom I don't care for about what she can and cannot do online, and how much contact she can have with my daughter. And believe me, there have been a few of my children's peers I certainly have limited my kids' access to. I just make all of that communication with my own kids. 2 girls I know that have stolen are not allowed in my home. Another who is just plain mean, I have discouraged my DD from having contact with until she finally grew tired of her on her own. My DD knows how I feel and why. I don't have to tell the girls I don't care for their behavior. No need to start a war. They can just have time to drift apart and get busy with other friends and pursuits away from us.

Anyway, you're a good parent for being careful about what kind of friends your daughter is allowed to hang around with, I just think you need to approach the limits with your own DD, and not get involved in talking about it at all to the questionable friends.

PERSONALLY - when my kids are old enough for fb, I would not like other kids parents talking with my kids on fb.The only adults I would feel ok with them having conversations with on fb would be family members of ours, or our close family friends. I do not need/want advice from other moms to my kids. Please understand I don't think you were bullying her or being mean, I am just saying, I would not want someone else's two cents but would instead think I should be the one to correct them.
If you don't want to allow your daughter to sleep over her house, that is your business of course. You are in charge of your daughter.
I know everyone parents differently, I know my way is not always right. But you want opinions, so there you go, that's mine. I hope this helps.

You have received a lot of responses already, so I am only addressing your daughter having the FB account. Yes, you can close it. She does not need access to a computer outside of doing her school work at her age.
I understand picking your battles, but you are the mom. She should not be deciding whether or not she has the account--you should.

I think that you have the right to tell your child that the girl can't do sleepovers and can't be her friend on FB. Being friends on FB is different than being friends in real life. Frankly, your child is only 11, too, and neither of them is old enough for FB per the rules, but if you allow it, you should also monitor it closely like you do. It sound like you've also spoken to the people raising her and I hope you explained to them that while you don't forbid the girls from being friends, you have drawn this boundary based on the child's behavior. My mom had to block one of my sister's friends from calling after she started stalking us, basically. If she friended you on FB, then she opened that mode of communication.

If one of our friends that is friends with SD saw something inappropriate, they might speak to her about it, but they might also tell us directly and she's 17.

I think in that situation I would have talked to my daughter, as you did, and then gone to the other girl's grandparents and expressed my concerns.

As for the no sleepovers rule, I agree. I don't think that's too harsh. As you said, you are still allowing them to be friends, just not allowing sleepovers.

If the girl messaged me through facebook, I would have responded by saying that she and her grandparents were welcome to come over and discuss it anytime.

You shouldn't feel bad. You're trying to do what is best for your daughter.

I would get your daughter off facebook and she would not be paying attention to the other girl on there, then I would not message the girl on facebook myself since she is a child and yet I have some younger kids on mine who are like family, but not. I think that since your daughter is in Awana and going to the same church and the girl was too that it is very appropriate to tell the girl to pray about it. She is going to Awana and learning Scripture there so that's what she is being taught to do there. I think maybe someone should talk with her family about the facebook and then let them decide if they want to talk to her about it. I can see why you wouldn't want your 11 year old having sleep overs with her. But if your daughter is just a friend to her and not having the same issues she probably could be a good friend to this girl and maybe help her see how to act better. I would just leave it alone with the other girl now though. Hope it works out. I hope the other girl will stay in Awana too. It's a very good program.

I'd talk to the grandparents. I know some pushed against you for getting involved, but I'm sorry, as an adult, I think we have an obligation to try to help kids out so they don't end up in a figurative car wreck. But as she's obviously dissing you (am I showing my age by saying 'dissing'?), I think you should give some print outs to the grandparents -- and tell them that she is underage for FB. They may not realize those rules.

Get your daughter off of facebook. Not appropriate for her age. As for the girls, disregard their message to you. Let things die down and when you see some improvement in their behavior, then your daughter can hang out with them again. Until then---encourage your daughter to make nice friends and hang out with people that share similar interests as her. You are not being harsh---you have to protect your kids from whatever the threat is--nip it in the bud now before it gets out of control.

M

Wow, why can't you manage to stop your daughter from using Facebook? You're trying to tell another kid what she can and can't do, but you can't manage to keep your own daughter off of Facebook. I don't understand. (I'm not trying to be rude, I'm really not. I'm just trying to understand why you don't tell your daughter that if she opens another Facebook page she's going to be grounded...then sit there next to her while she does homework and whatnot to ensure she's not on Facebook?)

I think you need to leave this other girl alone and figure out how to control your own daughter. I have a 14, 13, and 12 (in addition to my 8 year old). None of them have Facebook and none of them will for quite some time. They're not old enough or mature enough to control themselves on there.

If you can't lay down the law to an 11 year old and prevent her from using facebook, I hate to think what it will be like when she is a teen. There are plenty of games to play online without using facebook apps, I suggest steering her in those directions.
My kids are allowed to have their own email address at 10, and facebook at 13-14, depending on maturity. Period. My kids are strong willed, too, but they respect me enough not to challenge this rule. And they understand why I have this rule, it's to avoid the very scenario you describe. Yup, my "coddled" co-slept-with, never CIO'd, kids know who's boss around here. "This is not a democracy, this is a benevolent dictatorship." And people told me *I* was indulgent!

Are you unaware that there are free parental control programs out there that allow you to restrict when your child uses a computer and what sites she visits? If you don't know how to do this, please learn. Until you figure this out, neither of you should be on a computer - as parents, we have to be savvier than our kids or we're not doing our jobs.

That said, if you continue to allow her to use facebook, unfriend the girl from you and block her from your daughter. Really, this is exactly why young kids shouldn't be using that forum. I think that by inserting yourself into this mess you are giving her wanted attention and are crossing a boundary. You and an 11 year old girl should not be messaging each other. She apparently has no boundaries (or parental guidance), which is unfortunate, but she's not your child or your problem. You need to set appropriate boundaries.

At the end of the day, you can control only yourself and can influence your daughter to more carefully evaluate the behavior of her friends. I would strongly suggest that you take steps to help her find more friends - find a hobby or sport or activity that she is interested in and let her meet other girls and form other friendships. This "friend" is toxic and needs to become more marginalized. My step-daughter and oldest son are 14 and 13 and both have had friends who consistently make bad choices, cause drama, and are toxic. Over time, they've moved away from those friends and onto kids who are a better match in terms of personality and values. You don't have to cut this girl off completely, but I think a facebook block (better yet get your kid off of facebook) and no sleepovers is prudent now and as she meets other kids and makes more friends, she will see the light about this "friend" and avoid the trouble.

I would suggest you unfriend her and block her.

You're being harsh, yes. That girl is not your child to parent. Get your OWN daughter off of FB and unfriend the other girl or just hit "report" on the inappropriately explicit photos.

You do have the right to lay down the law in your own home as to who your daughter hangs out with and under what circumstances. That's not harsh. I do it myself with my own 11 year old. But under no circumstances does she have open access to the computer and pigs will fly before she gets a FB account before she's 13 years old. I already have to restrict her video game usage to weekends only, even once she's old enough to get FB she likely won't be allowed to get an account because of the distraction and online bullying potential. The only computer time she gets, even for homework and projects, is supervised. No supervision = no computer time. No exceptions.

When I'm not around, the computer itself is password protected. Everything on the computer is password protected. There are parental controls on everything. She has no idea what any of the passwords are, and not for lack of trying to guess them.

If you refuse to take ownership of parenting her on computer usage, then you can block FB under parental controls when she's in her desktop. There are plenty of security programs you can take advantage of that she can't get around.