A question that has been weighing on me lately:
After the age of 30, is it natural not to have any new (or "close") real friends -- 1 or 2 would do:)? How long should it take to make a real friend (meaning loyal, supportive, confidante-type relationship -- visit or in touch weekly at least)? I think I have forgotten how to make friends - or there is something wrong with me - or FLORIDA moms are just so very different????? Everyone is so very busy & already has their circle of friends. (hmm, that sounds a bit whiny:)
We've move a few times due to my husband's career, so I've made a few friends in different states. Now I'm here 2 years in Florida. I've made a lot of friendly acquaintances in the groups I've joined. But no "real" friendships (see what i mean by "real" above:). I've invited women over to my house -- coffee -- playdates -- in subgroups of larger groups. We all seem to have fun. But no relationship going past friendly. When we lived in another state, I met my two great pals because one invited me over for coffee, and I invited the other one over (playdates). We just clicked. From that first coffee/playdate, we really connected.
Are Florida moms just not like that? Or is it really just me, and I'm jaded? Once I thought I made a friend or two, but I realized if I didn't call them or email them, they would never called me on a regular basis. I would never ever want to be that "needy" friend. So i figured if I wasn't that important in their lives, I let the relationship go.
Our new neighborhood has only older moms. We don't have the same schedule: some work full time -- the others play tennis, shop, bunko, older kids. We wave to each other. But I'm home all day. I was thinking about joining another mom group. Do I really need to try to make friends? Isn't it just supposed to happen naturally?
When I first moved here, I used to meet one mom at a park once in a while and see her around town. We have the same age children, and I thought we all got along really well. The holidays happened, trips, and we didn't see each in the spring except here & there around town or the little league games -- said "hello" -- smalltalk. She had a healthy group of friends. Then just before summer, I saw her again, and she invited me to an area park the following week to join her circle of friends. Her friends showed up, but she didn't.
A few weeks ago I saw this very same mom. She mentioned having a playdate at her house soon. I almost choked! First we were supposed to "meet up" and I'm blown off without a word. Then I thought, the invite was pretty casual, so maybe it wasn't really a playdate to her?
But my next thought just made me annoyed: I met you almost a year and half ago & you are just now getting around to a real playdate? I replied something vague, like "sure, sometime we should do that."
Now I"m wondering -- maybe it really IS me. Maybe I am just burnt out from my new part time job for the past year (I work alone at night)and taking care of the kids all day.
So now I'm convincing myself that I can be alone during the day (with the kids) and get lots of things done & maybe there is really no one I want to befriend anyway.
I have a great marriage; we have good children & friends from out of state. I can wave & have small talk with all my friendly acquaintances and that's maybe what it is supposed to be right now.
OKAY, I know this is too long, but I would be extremely grateful for any insights. Does anyone else find it difficult to make "mom" friends? Has anyone ever made any new mom friends over the age of 30? How did you do it? Or is it always neighbors who become friends?
As strange as life is, right after I wrote my letter, a neighbor who I've waved to for 6 months knocked on my door and invited me over for coffee. (maybe she's a member of this mamasource?:0)
She has older children, but her youngest is the age of my oldest. The kids played, and we talked about every topic under the sun. She said she had many friends, but now that the kids were older -- many of her friends just dropped off their kids or she dropped off hers. She was looking for a mom pal. Funny huh? We'll see how our "paling around" works out.
I do want to thank all the moms who responded. I like the anonymity of mamasource because you could rec' a lot of good advice & different perspectives. My two good friends from out-of-state didn't really understand the whole "moving-mom-lonely" idea since they've never experienced it. And it is a bit embarrassing for friendly acquaintances to know, you'd like to hangout once a week or so if they seem so busy. But many of you have experienced looking for a mom-friend, so it just made me feel better knowing that somewhere out there or maybe standing next to me at a park is a mom who is looking "to click" with a regular friend (nothing too invasive:)
Since all of your kind words & advice, I am going to buck up and get myself out there. There is a moms group I've been meaning to look into........THANKS AGAIN!
i think people we meet when we are older arent as tight as the friends we make when we are kids. All the friends, i mean call on the phone and chat friends are ones I have had since HS. I even play date with some people but we arent "friends" so much.. though we get along. We chat when we are together but I would never think of getting together with out the little ones. I was blown off a few times myself...
Hi K.,
I agree with Elisabeth's message. It does sound like a lot of us would like to meet others. Why don't you post a play date at a park near you, and who knows some great friendships may come out of it!!
From: Elisabeth D
Date: Sat. Jul. 26, 2008
It sounds like a lot of mom's would like to meet others. Why don't you pick a date, time and place when you respond to everyone and see if others who live near you show up. Maybe you will click and they will know your intentions of meeting a committed friend.
Hi K.,
I moved here in 05, and have also found iit hard to make friends. About a year ago I managed to make 1 really good friend that lives in my area. It was really hard to make that 1 friend and even though we don't talk everyday we make it a point to get together at least once a week. We actually met through this site. I believe that as we get older our tastes in things change, thus making it more difficult to make friends. I live in the Airport/Conway area if you would like to meet and hang let me know.
Dear K.,
Florida moms are not all like that. And it's not you. You mentioned the mothers in your area are older and have older children, and some of their schedules are different. I don't think you've been "blown off" on purpose, without a word. It is possible they just were spreading themselves too thin. Remember one thing: It's not all about you. There may be underlying problems or explanations for which you are just not aware. For me, personally, I'd never hurt anyone on purpose.
Glad to see you've joined up with this group of nice ladies. I happen to be older with children who are nearly grown. But I do have a friend who has a baby. We take him to the movies, in fact. So -- here's hoping you find a few friends in your area that will do things with you!
Blessings...
P.S. Email me if I can be of help!
Hi,
I had my son, my one and only child, when I was almost 35. Prior to that I had a full time career and went to college part time. I was very busy, but seemed to always have and make new friends.
After I had my son, I quit work so that I could be home with him. And discovered that it was very lonely. The friends I had from work were still working. Other friends were turned off because I was a 'mom', so I had to start all over.
I joined MOMS Club, which is a support group for stay at home mothers. There are local chapters everywhere. The club was definitely a life saver for me because I at least had a group that I could get together with a time or two a week. I eventually befriended a couple of moms, and we would pal around outside of the group. However, I moved about 30 minutes away from the chapter and have only kept in touch with one other mom.
I think it's really hard to meet a new BFF when you're older, have children and husbands (sometimes jobs) and are more set in your ways. Parenting styles and children's interests become much more of a priority.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I agree with you that it's harder to meet people (not just moms, but friends in general) as you get older. But don't give up, there's someone out there who's just as lonely as you...you just haven't met each other yet.
Try momsclub.org to find a chapter near you....and don't give up.
Regards,
G.
Hi K.,
I too had this problem, im in my 30s and i had many acquaintances at work or around the neighborhood. i kept saying the same thing to my husband and was very upset with this (i never had problems in school with close friends always had them) so a little over a year ago after i had my second child, i started a moms group in my neighborhood, since then i have found 3 awesome friends who would save my life if it came down to it...it is hard though out of a group of 23 i only have 3 that are true.
The group has now grown to over 30 and many outside the neighborhood, you are so more than welcomed to come join us, we have many great moms and we all stay in touch and do many things together!! we are in lake mary/sanford area we meet on fridays and some saturdays...i completly understand how it feels to be where you are and the only advice i can give is to get involved in something and the friends will flock! good luck and i hope to hear from you!
A.
Oh man if this were a song, I'd totally be singing along. I moved to Florida 3 years ago. I'm initially shy by nature. So making friends is that much harder. Seen Mom's at the playground, but I get the distinct impression they think I'm the nanny. I've tried to make friends with other mom's with established friends, and it hasn't worked. We just get tied up in our lives I guess. I stay at home all day and work at night. I'm telling ya, sometimes I'm ready to lose my mind due to lack of adult contact. There is one lady I really need to re-connect with up the street. We met on halloween when she brought her daughter trick or treating. I've noticed some moms walking with young ones, but I have no idea where they live. It's like they just disappear. Then again a few months ago. I'm sorry to say I was the one not making contact, but life really got in the way. Family coming to stay, auto accident, getting sick it's been hectic. Now it's been so long I just feel bad. I think I'll drop a note in her mailbox (hoping that doesn't seem psycho)
Don't give up on making friends or else you'll end up as crazy as me.
H.
K.. I totally understand what you are saying! I am a mom of 43. My kids are teenagers now but as they were growing up (mostly in fla)I was always on that quest for a "friend" too. Like you I had a couple of good friends who lived in anothor state but it seemed so hard to make that local friend for ME not just the mom of a playdate.
I think as you enter this family stage you find everyone is so busy with their lives that they dont seem to NEED any close friends but that is really sad. As woman and moms, especially if we are isolated stay at home moms, we need that someone to be there for us who understands and whom we can bounce things off of. Just because everyone else "seems" to do fine without that I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting that in your life.
but yes.. making friends in this stage of your life is going to be different then in your 20s. People have to put their families before their friendships (and they will do this to many different degrees)as you will too and that makes the dynamic different...however you can still find close friends that will be there for you. Just takes a lot more looking.
If you are from the south (I was from TN) you WILL notice its not as easy to make friends here. The culture is different. Dont think its you.
Looking back.. most of my close friends came from some type of connection to my children or my neighbors. Its nice if you have the same age kids in common.
Dont quit looking. They are out there. Just hard to find. Your going to run into a lot of weird situations like that girl in the park but dont take that personally! Everyone seems to be busy traveling down their own path but when you least expect it someone great will show up. Just keep putting yourself out there.
Good Luck and write me anytime!
K. :)
Hi K.!
Finally....... someone has voiced what I have been feeling for months! I'm 35 and I'm English. I moved over to the States in 2001. I'm married to a Floridian and have a 15 month old baby girl. It is really hard to make new friends. I have found that the people I have met are lovely but so flakey! We will make plans to meet and then they will blow me off last minute or they will make tentative plans and then not follow through. I get sooooo lonely sometimes!
It's really hard to leave your good friends behind... those you feel comfortable with and spend time with and have to start over again, especially at this age when people have their own families and busy lives.
I did try a Mums Group, but didn't feel quite comfortable there. I am better in a setting with just one or two good friends, so I totally understand.
I'm sending you a cyber-hug!
It sounds like a lot of mom's would like to meet others. Why don't you pick a date, time and place when you respond to everyone and see if others who live near you show up. Maybe you will click and they will know your intentions of meeting a committed friend.
Hey K.,
I think we all feel like you do one time or another in our lives. We moved here (child-less) 8 years ago and met all of our neighbors...and I gained a few female friends there and we all still keep in touch. They aren't as tight as my high school & college relationships, but that's ok b/c I'm not willing to go through those experiences again...you know...you just had a lot of crazy things that just made you bond (at least I did LOL). When we had the kiddos in 2005...we went to a party thrown by our Doctor's Office and that's how we met a couple with twins that were only 9 days younger than ours. Because she was from the midwest...we clicked right off the bat. Because of fertility issues...she had met a few Moms online...after awhile of the two of us getting to know each other she invited me to an event with all the Mom's she hung out with (about a month later) and we all hit it off. There are 5 of us Mom's total and I love them all to death b/c they are the most real, honest, say what's on their mind kind of people ~ like myself. I have to say from experience that being opinionated isn't everyone's cup of tea...so many Mom's might not "click" with me...so you likely are part of the equation here. Just NEVER give up. You may meet someone at Starbucks since you like coffee...go ahead give out your cell phone if you meet someone in line at Publix with the same age child or that is the same age as you. Put yourself out there. I also meet a lot of parents at the gym...if our kids play together, then I try to get to know the parents. Good luck & God bless you and don't give up. P.S. I'm 38 and have 3 1/2 yr. old twins and live about 30 min from Winter Park if you ever want to meet up somewhere for lunch or something...email me. B.
Hi K.,
Thought I would just add my 2cents. I am a native Floridian and have lived in the Orlando area for 15 years so before baby I had an established group of friends, mostly from college and work. When my son was born in April, 2007 and I became a SAHM, I was unprepared for how much my established friendships would change.
Out of my group I am the only SAHM so even my friends who have kids work. Their responsibilities and schedules are just so different than mine (and in some cases I found we had less to talk about since I am no longer working). So much so that I, too, had to venture out to find some SAHM friends. People I could have playdates with, meet at the mall on a Tuesday afternoon for a stroller walk and/or lunch, all the things that my working friends just could not do.
I joined a couple meetup groups, joined MyGym, and went to the "free" stuff-library, Mr.Richard, etc. I have been around town for a year now and I have made one real friend! I, like you, would talk to many women, would see them and their children at many of the same events, would suggest other get-togethers, but nothing ever came of it. You are right, everyone just seems so busy and so wrapped up in their lives already. I was disappointed many times and would wonder if was me as well. I think people just get set in their ways and some women just don't need or want new friends. They are happy with the way things are.
The friend I have made was through my meetup group and she moved here less than a year ago so she was also looking for a friend. Our boys are 4 months apart and she is about 4 years younger than myself (I'm 38) but we still enjoy each others company. So, just keep trying. It can be discouraging, but there is another woman out there who feels the same as you.
I don't know how old your kids are but if you have a toddler we could even do a playdate!
Best wishes,
S.
Hi K.! I hear you. It isn't quite the same as it was when we were in our teens, is it? Friendships take work and we are already doing a lot of that as moms, wives and sometimes working in the corporate world too. Trust me...those moms who aren't calling are experiencing the same thing that you are and would most likely be extremely grateful if you called them and set something up.
I tried the MOMS Club and didn't have much success, but I do love my MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers.) We meet at St. Luke's Methodist on Apopka Vineland and Conroy Windermere. There are other chapters in town however, if you aren't located near our chapter. Just check out www.mops.org and search for a chapter by zip code on the left-hand side of the page.
Hang in there! These things take time and before you know it you will have some great girlfriends. It may just take some work in the beginning...
Best of luck!
M.
I have lived in Florida for two years now and I don't have any friends here....period. I don't have ANY extended family members...it just us. I work full time, I have 3 children 15, 10 & 4, a husband and a dog. I go to school at night 1 day a week. I am a team mom for my son football league and I coach soccer. I don't have time for friends. At the end of the day I have nothing left to give. Summer is the only time I get a break. We are very involved in our children's lives and do family focused activities...always!!! I really don't think it is you. Become more involved in the community, school or find something you enjoy. Just give it a chance...you'll find one.
Hi K., I can relate to trying to meet and keep friends, but then again I've had that problem always. I've never had more than a couple of good friends at once. And now that I am married with 2 kids and working part time things can be hard. You really have to work at making friends as a mom. Everyone is pretty busy, not just Florida moms. And I agree with the other ladies that sometimes just the difference in parenting styles will keep you from "clicking" with another mom. When I moved back down here 2 years ago I joined a moms group from meetup.com called the SW Orlando Sunshine Squad. I would go and my kids always had fun and I would see some of the same moms. But it took a good few months in going and conversing before I made a few friends. We get together quite often and it still leaves our nights and weekends to have with our husbands. And we also have moms night outs about once a month where we can just hang out as ladies without kids. You are welcome to join our group but if it is too far for you I know meetup has many more in the orlando area and I am sure you will be able to find one close to you.
Goodluck with everything
M.
I don't think it's you (nor do I think it's just FL moms-since I am one--lol) I think you were closer to the truth when you say that in our 30's many of us already have a few close friends and when you add a husband and children on top of that--it's hard to make time for newer closer friends. I also think that really close friends are hard to find.
Our best friends are actually kid-less (unless you count their dogs) but I think it makes it easier for them to work around our schedule and cater to us more. I also have some moms friends, but I find it's really hard to hang with any of them when my husband is home since our husbands don't necessarily have anything in common. Motherhood tends to bond us moms despite our other interests, but fatherhood doesn't seem to be the same--at least when it comes to my husband.
So my suggestion is give it time--try to find other friends that don't just have children in common with you, but maybe other interests.
Also look into Moms Club International(http://www.momsclub.org) and find your local chapter--not sure what playgroup you joined, but I'm in a MC chapter and have found some great moms and playgroups (there's usually something planned every day--M-F in the a.m.). Everyone is different, but we have have motherhood in common and at least in my chapter it has been a great source of friendship, support and things to do with my toddler!. If you can't find your chapter PM me and I can get you in contact with them!
Hi K., I thought it was just me! We moved to Florida from Chicago a year ago, and I have yet to make any friends. Partly my fault because I am busy with my kids in the afternoon and evenings, but I too am home during the day and get bored. Since we've moved here, I am not working, and this is the first time in a long time that I've had time for myself. I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I also wave Hello to the neighbors, but nothing more. I do have one neighbor who invites me to things, but she is older and we really don't have much in common, except kids the same age. My husband travels during the week, but when he is in town, we do things with his co workers, but nothing beyond that. His boss's wife and I always make "plans", but never follow through. Like you said, she'll suggest we "get together" sometime, but never calls. She too is older than me. What part of Florida do you live in? So, you're not alone. I think it's definitely harder to make friends over 30!!(I am in my 30's)
I am in the same boat as you. 10 years ago when I was a SAHM for the first time around, I joined a mommy group and met tons of women, many I am still friends with. That group of women seemed to really have a lot in common and true adult friendships were made-- not just getting together for the kids to play. Two years ago, I quit my job to stay home with a new baby and joined a mommy group again. I have met lots of very nice women, but none of us seem to "click" like the last group I was in. I was here in Central Florida with both groups, so please don't say it's a Florida thing because that has nothing to do with it. You said you have moved around some and I wonder how old you are-- don't take this the wrong way-- it's actually sort of a compliment-- but if you are "older" like I am (late 30's/pushing 40) I think it's harder to find women with whom you have a lot in common. Mommy dating is like regular dating-- in my 20's, if a guy was cute and nice to me he'd be date-worthy (hahaha!) Now that I'm older and wiser, if I were single now I would be way more picky and I would find it harder to find a man I am compatible with. Same with the mommy dating scene. In my 20's, if you were a mommy then that was enough for me and we would could find common ground. But now that I'm "older and wiser" (hahaha) and have 3 kids, I find I am not able to click well with women who have very different ways of parenting/priorities than I do. Don't give up. Just like dating, there is a friend (or 2 or 3...) out there for you! Keep joining mommy groups until you find one you are most comfortable with. No need to stay at home-- get out of the house and keep meeting people. Also, keep inviting people over for coffee. Just because someone doesn't reciprocate doesn't mean they don't want to meet with you again. For various reasons, not everyone is comfortable having others over to their house. Also, if you can, try to do a moms night out aside from having them over with the kids. It will give you a chance to see if you really click. Invite more than one so it won't be too awkward with just you and one woman you don't end up clicking with.
(P.S.-- Sorry to all of you grammar sticklers-- I noticed I ended several sentence with "with"! I'm trying to type fast while my kids are eating lunch before they need me again!!)
I understand completely!!!! We have been in FL since April. And I know I have to put myself out there to make friends. But, I have to be honest it is easier in some places then oters. I am pretty straight forward. fairly outgoing. When we have visted a park, etc. in a near by city - Moms are very UNFRIENDLY!!!
This our 2 nd move in 5 yrs. I learned from the 1st one that I really have to jump in and make a huge effort. But, it's funny .... it's not that easy. I have a 6 yr. old that I feel a ton of guilt b/c I took him away from all of his friends. Whose Moms were my friends It's a lot easier w/ my little one. But, it took years before I called the friends that I had before we moved.
Basically after all of that babbling I agree it is more difficult! I still tell my BFF from HS everything. Feel free to em me - I'm not sure if you live near by - but, I did join a meetup group and they seem to some great girls.
I find your post so interesting. I think you're having the same experience I'm having and I'm a grandmother!
It depends upon what part of Florida you life in, YES Florida is different, or rather the people who live here are.
Many parts of Florida are prosperous, and people are living there to collect cash, to create all the wealth possible with plans to go somewhere else when the boom ends. So that's what they do, work and then cave, enjoy their families, use there computers, video games etc.
I live in the Sanford/Lake Mary area and I call it 'yuppie-ville'. The people will wave or smile and that's the extent of it.
You can make good friend if you work, or go to a church or belong to some other organization, that's about it.
SO I'd suggest you go to meetup.com and join the groups that are in your town which you find interesting.
There are groups of moms just like you who want to network or find a circle of friends.
I've decided to start going to a church just to find friends, even though I don't want to hear what they say.
When I lived in New Smyrna Beach I found people more neighborly but here near Orlando it's vastly different.
Also if your husbands work has parties and such make sure to attend, you can meet others in your situation.
Best wishes,
J.
