Mom of Needs Advice on Teenage Boys

Have you talked with their teachers? As a retired teacher who taught high school boys for 38 years, I can tell you that this is very "normal" behavior. The hormonal changes you describe cause most 14 year old guys to put school as a very low priority. That's when I saw many classic underachievers who were not working up to their potential.
Some techniques that you might try: assignment book which each teacher initials at the end of class each day. They show them to you when they get home. That way the grownups are aware, making it harder to say there is no homework. Plus the young men are responsible for writing down the assignments, helping them to remember that HW exists!
You can also email the teachers to ask for any insights they may have. Email is so much better than phoning because it can happen anytime.
If there is a particular class that is more of a problem, schedule a conference with you, the teacher, and the student so the 3 of you can come up with a plan for his success.
Maybe if they are spending lots of time on homework, they won't have time to get in other trouble. lol Taking away privileges like cell phones, video games, TV, etc. often gets their attention, too.

I don't know what happens at 14, but the boys go crazy!

Take all of their entertainment out of their room. Computers, tv,s. all the hand held game toys. Then ground them to their room to do their homework!

Here's a funny my friend did, The kids went off to school, she took a day off work and showed up at the school. She went to every class with her son dressed with her housecoat and rollers in her hair and participated in class discussion.

Now that's her threat!!! She will do it again if necessary!!

When my boys started growing taller than me, I tackled them to the floor and gave them what they deserved. Momma is still bigger!!

Good luck.

well my kids are still little =) but my hubby's brother is 14 and my sister is about to turn 15, so i hear my mom and MIL talking about the same thing all the time!
for the school issues, i would have a conversation about responsibility and make sure they understand that if they don't pay attention, do their work, and get good grades, they will be repeating the grade next year. and then i'd tell them "you are old enough to know what you need to do and get it done...i'm not going to make the effort every day to find out what homework YOU are supposed to be doing...if you don't do it, then it won't get done and you will end up repeating this grade" and then leave it at that. how else will they learn responsibility? it may sound harsh, but they are old enough to know that actions have consequences...if it takes them clowning around all year and then in fact repeating the grade, i guarantee they will shape up to avoid repeating yet another grade!
my mom NEVER made me do my homework. if she saw me not doing any that day, she'd ask if i had any to do, but if i said no she'd leave it at that. she never woke me up for school or made my lunch either. i walked a mile to school and if i didn't set my alarm or kept hitting snooze and ended up late, well then i got detention! i think that only happened once LOL if i didn't make a lunch, i didn't eat. 14 is definitely old enough to be responsible for their own homework. you might sit down with their teachers as well and let them know that if they are acting up in class, you have no problem with them getting detention! once, my 9th grade english teacher made me and a friend sit outside the class to do our work b/c we wouldn't stop talking. it was pretty embarrassing to drag our desks outside the door and have to sit there the whole class. and it didn't happen again
as for the smoking, i would try and make your home very open to your boys' friends...is there a room or basement they could hang out it? make sure they feel welcome, even if they just bring them home from school. make it a very inviting place to be...that way you or your hubby can be around with eyes and ears open! if you catch him smoking again, i would take away ALL social privaleges (sp?) for a couple weeks...no hanging out after school or on weekends, no phone, no cell, no texts, no IM, no myspace, no computer except homework. it sounds tough but smoking is sooo addictive and they are too young to realize what a life-changing thing a smoking addiction is! you have to make it clear that it will NOT be tolerated! i would also notify the school that your son and his friends (make sure and give names) are smoking so that they can be aware that it might be going on at school. if you think they are smoking during lunch at school, would it be possible for you or your hubby or a trusted friend to go pick him up during the last 5 min. of the class right before lunchtime? then take him to lunch somewhere or make him eat in the car, then send him back into school when lunch period is over? talk about an effective punishment LOL i'd have been mortified if my mom showed up for lunch every day for a couple weeks!

Yikes. It's called puberty. I have a 13-year-old son who I really have no room to complain about. Our biggest problem is communication. I have to pry information out of him.

A friend just gave me "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Just started it last night, but I hear WONDERFUL things about the whole Love and Logic principle. Check it out! and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...

My son is also 14 yrs old and we are in the same situation. He's currently grounded because he's failing 3 classes and seems to not really care about failing.

On top of being grounded, my husband assigned our son a research paper to do. He has to research why education is important, what it takes to get into a good college, and why college is important. He has to include what the average high school graduate salary is and what the average college graduate salary is. Since our son hates to do research projects this is a horrible punishment to him. Last time he was grounded it was because of extremely rude behavior towards a teacher. My husband had him write a research paper about the proper way for a Christian child to behave. Since writing that we've not had an issue with his behaviour. All essays/research papers have to be at least 3 pages long, have proper grammar, spelling, and puncuation, and be neat.
It may not sound like a big deal to have to write the papers but it does some good with our son.

It also helps that we live in the country. With the cattle and land there is always work to be done. When he's grounded he has to clear fences, grub out cactus, chop firewood, rake out cattle pens, clean out the barns...the really fun stuff ya know? Those things always need to be done but aren't usually his responsibility unless he's grounded. If you can't have your sons do work like that maybe you can find things around the house to do...clean out gutters, wash the windows (inside and out), wash and wax the vehicles...anything that isn't fun, somewhat time consuming, and that they normally don't have to do. Hard physcial work can be a great motivator and it certainly gives our son lots of time to think. He usually straightens up after that, at least for a few months. For the last year and a half it's been a never ending cycle but the time between groundings is getting longer.

Hope some of this helps you...good luck.

Kim,
Been there and still going through it myself. I have a 13 year old son who will be 14 in March. He doesn't bring home homework and goofs around in class. However, I will tell you that this year is better than last year and he seems to be getting better. I had him in counseling a bit last year and the real eye-opener was that he almost didn't get to move on to 8th grade last year. It was a come to Jesus moment for him. I have done the whole grounding, taking away the cell phone, stopping the video games and computer, too. What I have found is being consistent with him works. I don't argue with him about his chores anymore. Why, because if I do, then he's winning. I state what I want done and maybe one more time tell him. If he doesn't do it then he is disciplined. I just took away his phone this past weekend because he told me I was the "worst" cuz I wouldn't let him go to the movies with his girlfriend. He was already grounded for having his grades drop in two classes. His rule is nothing below an 80 this year. Anyway, he is much more calm with me and we don't get into shouting matches much anymore. I'm in control, not him. And, so far it is improving him. Just give them love, boundaries, and consequences for bad behavior. AND stick to it with consistency.
I feel your pain and you have my support.
K.

Maybe if grounding doesn't seem to be their "hot" button, you need to find out what is (if they're grounded all the time, it's NOT what motivates them). With my son it would be computer time. I personally think natural consequences are best. As far as smoking is concerned, I took both my kids to the science museum and let them see a smokers' lungs compared to a non-smoking lung - neither of them will EVER smoke!!! Usually, talking to kids doesn't seem to make much of an impact with teens - short and sweet - you attract more flies with honey type talks. I find that relaying stories from my teen and young adult years seems to make the greatest impression (although I NEVER share information I don't want them to know). I make it age appropriate, but also share mistakes I've made and the natural consequences that occured because of it - what I learned, how I applied it, etc. Good luck - because they're acting out at school, talk to the teacher about consequences THERE - since that's where it's happening, it needs to be corrected there ALSO. Yes, you need to punish at home - maybe ask the boys what they think would be appropriate and write down ALL their suggestions. Then discuss each one - if it's too harsh, cross it off the page, too easy, cross it off - agree on the punishment for each unacceptable behavior and have it POSTED somewhere visable. Then if they CHOOSE to behave that way - they'll aready know what the consequence will be. FOLLOW thru with it and inform their teachers.

Keep talking to them (it may not sink in until mid 20s, but they are listening). Keep being firm and consistent without anger or provoking them to anger. You may have to experiment with harsher consequences with the more serious offenses. Be on the lookout for drugs! Otherwise, keep at it no matter how tired you get. Make sure you are spending family time together too and showing them how much you love them without bringing up their behavior.

Get the book - "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman read it - it is a quick read because the principles are simple. Follow them and see what happens.

I read the book and LOVE it! And it works if you work it.

You have teenagers that is the problem they will follow their friends behavior and what their friends say. You might need to keep them away from the friends for a while. This might work for you and let them know that you will do it. Until they show you proper behavior, at school and at home. This is more likely to hurt them, then keeping them at home as a punishment.
Been there, however at this age they also can disappear for days because they decide they want the freedom. I have been there and they need to know that you love them and that when they do some of the things it hurts your more. Have some tears and let them know why. Good luck this is a hart time for all of you. It does get better though.

I have fraturnal twin daughters age 14 and a 12 year old son. My oldest twin daughter I had to put in a boarding school because of her behavior. It was not the easiest thing to do but I was at my witts end with her. She has been in the boarding school since January 19, 2008 and has been doing fairly well. I know it is hard. It has been very hard on me. My other twin daughter is not a problem at all. But my oldest just did things that a 13 yr.old should not be doing. And they will not listen until you end up putting them in a boarding school or some where else. They need to learn that they have to follow rules. And I have found out that I had to put my daughter in the boarding school because she was not listening to me. With the seminars that I have taken because of my daughter being in the boarding school has really helped out a lot. I want to wish you luck and hope your boys will learn to do right.

Hi Kim,

Well I can feel your pain there, my oldest is 14 and when he turned 13 I thought I was about to lose my mind. My husband and I tried different approaches to what he was going through. It really was like talking to a wall with a window. In one ear and straight through the other. We prayed about it, we talked about, we talked to him about it. Its like when the hormones hit, he became a very different person. One that I wasn't ready for neither was my husband and he went through that. We were frustrated, disappointed and even angry sometimes. We knew what we didn't want to happen and we knew if we didn't do something it was going to get worse. The hormones we couldn't stop they were coming no matter what, but the way our son behaved we could do something about that. We had to lay down some rules not your ordinary kind, like chores, dishes, nothing like that because that doesn't work. Rules of being a man guide lines more less, he needed a job for one, to keep his mind busy and be responsible and take pride in what he did, he needed work hard and work is good keeps them out of trouble, but it needs to be rewarding as well and sometimes mom and dad cant reward them the way they need it. They need to earn it in a different way they also need to earn respect not just for their bodies but for others as well. Our son went to work as a bus boy, it was hard work, but it kept him busy, friends are great, but limit the time they hang out so the temptation wont be as easy. Communicate with parents of the kids they hang out with is good too. You dont' have to be a King to rule with a firm hand. Grounding and taking away their things or taking away t.v. time doesn't always work.
Spending more quality not quantity time will. Be more active in their life and be patience.
Listening is very important sometimes as parents we don't do that enough. Remember not to let them run you over, yelling will not work and threats will not work either. Standing firm and letting them know this is how it is and how it must be. There also has to be change on your part as well. Its not easy being a parent but just remember your a parent not a friend. There is a lot of good literature out there. One that helped me as a woman to understand more about my boys and it even helped me with my husband is a book called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I wish you the best and this to will pass. Good luck and God Bless you on this journey!

I would check for drugs and it's sounds like they are in with a bad crowd. If they play sports they need to pass to play.
Try to get them to take sfter school activites.

O. O

Hi, Kim!

Although I'm sure teen hormones are part of the problem, I think if you don't deal with the discipline problems now, you'll be sorry later. My husband and I run a program for troubled teens called Youth-Reach. It's Christ-centered and free of charge. Check out our web site and see if we can help:

www.youth-reach.org

Blessings and Prayers,
S. Williams
SAHM of Seven (2 to 14)

I'm sure it's been explained to them that if they don't do their school work that they will be retained and it will be embassasing to repeat a grade while their friends are advancing. Also, are they involved in any sports after school? Most of these require a passing report card. Are the boys in the same class at school? I come from a family of twins and advise separating them as much as possilbe. They may be acting up to "one up" the other. Then again, you may have two boys who are just naturally mischievious and think that because they are twins they are special/different and can get away with it. Have you had conferences with the school counselor, or vice principal?

I can remember my younger brother doing the same things as your twins. My mother talked to a police officer that she knew. My mother had my brother and his friends come to our house, the officer came after them, and demostrated the motions that he would follow if he had to arrest the boys for some of their activites. He then sat down with the boys, talked with them and gave them the real life facts of what it would be like if they stayed on the destructive path they were following. My brother did straightened up, and so did a few of the other boys, but some did not. It is worth a try.