Seeking TWEEN Guidance

My mom's bestfriend is a 6th grade teacher and she HIGHLY recommends reading The Organized Student. If you can get you're 6th grader to read it too, it's that much better. But if nothing else it can give you guidance.

K., I would have never said this a year ago, but after finally reading information on ADD etc... it clicked. If you have a chance, go to a bookstore and grab the book Delivered From Distraction (not to be confused with Driven to Distraction) by Hallowell - in the Psychology section and see the chapter called "The Benevians" Its about a family who had just the normal kid stuff until their daughter at around age 15 began to struggle. I realize this is one family's story, however, I think its a lot of family's stories. It could be nothing or a small piece of the puzzle, but when kids begin to get complacent all of the sudden, there probably is a reason that is not being looked at. Could be laziness, but could also be a true struggle going on that she can't explain. Best wishes!

for our "tween" (11yo) we go for the middle. On the smaller side, if she fails that is on her. It is hard to do. The "at home" part is bi-weekly e-mails to her teachers, letting them know what we see/what she says, so that the tween knows we are in touch and communicate. The last part is-grounding does not work. We let her know what is expected (home off bus, 30 min chill time, at table w homework or studies 45 min or till she is done etc...) and let her know her ability to fufill her obligations will vary directly with her ability to participate in social fun and obligations. It only takes following thru a few times that she gets it! no good grades and completed homework=no parties, skate etc...
we tell her school it her job (like dad's and my job) and if she doesn't finish her job/work, it will mess up her "days off".....best wishes!
PS...can we sell 'em on e-bay by the lb? hahahahaah

Awesome Advice from Ranay.

Another observation. Usually this first 6 wks of school is review. She was able to put the least effort forward and do ok. But now that it is the second 6wks, it will be tougher.

Do speak with her teachers and let them know that this is what is going on with your child and you are going to sit back a bit and let your daughter suffer the consequences. Tell them to grade her fairly for the work she is doing and if she fails, or gets low grades, you will support this. 6th grade is a safe place for this to happen. High school is too late, every grade counts there.

Middle school is a perfect place for this age, because they are testing everyone. Themselves, friends, teachers and especially parents.They are given freedoms to walk the halls, sit at lunch wherever they want... Some of them get distracted.

The other thing is you could also tell your daughter you are conccerned that maybe the "advanced classes she is taking may be too hard for her since she is not keeping up with her assignements" (of course this is not totally true, but could be intimidating). Ask her if she wants you to look into putting her into a class that is not so advanced usually these classes allow her to do homework during class.. I had a friend that did this with her daughter and boy that really got the child's attention. The child went to 2 days of these classes and begged to be put back in her original classes!

The other thing is that in middle school there are lots more social activities that she will not want to miss out on, football games, dances, carnivals. These activities can be great motivators if they can be used as "grounding" material.

Hang in there and let me know if you all have any luck with that ebay idea, hee, hee.

I have a 12 y.old daughter.
We let her "cook her own goose", regarding her grades.
If she doesn't do her homework or study for a test,and the result is a bad grade that turns into a bad report card grade ,she will lose her "things".(ie- ipod , cell phone for outside of school, computer for non-school work.)
It has worked and I a, proud to say that her report card is all A's (and she is in all pre-ap classes).
Good luck.

Let her ride the wave alone & suffer the consequences. Sounds harsh, but it's better that she learns this lesson now. A low grade in middle school won't have the possible impact on her high school transcript (and possible college admissions) that a failed test or course will in a few years. Now is a good time for her to learn that she can come back from a bad grade, and that studying does help!

K.,
I have been in your situation. Take it from me - it only gets worse. you've got to stay on top of it NOW! My son was GT in Intermediate school. He had the opportunity to graduate with an Associates degree, but he slipped up and didn't do homework, and ended up dropping his pre-ap classes. Now we are struggling to find college scholarships and grants. If I were to do it again, I would do whatever it took to keep him on schedule and organized. I would try a reward system maybe a quarter or dollar for everyday that her planner was filled out. Definitely stay connected. This is a crucial time in her school career!
Good Luck!

Hi K.,
Warn her if she continues to do this behavior let her know that your going to go to school w/her sit next to her in every class and makes sure it gets done.If shed rather not be embarassed she'd better get back on track.
If you do use this you MUST go through w/it.Don't use it if your not serious cause shes not going to take you serious.
It worked for me when my daughter was in 8th grade last year.I didn't warn her i just did it.I escorted her to every class sat next to her even though she hated it but i did it to show her it was not going to be tolerated and after that no longer did happen and she became a B+ student.
The thought did cross my mind that it would hurt her feelings and kids would taughnt her later,but i had to do what i did to put a little fire under her to get her act together. I had better things to be doing than sitting there in class w/her all day,it was a small sacrafice to get results i wanted.It worked and can work for you too.
Good Luck!!! I'd like to know what method worked for you.

There must be something about the 6th grade! My son is top of the heap - when it comes to laziness, that is. If he really wants something - he will pull out all the stops to get it. He is very smart, but only puts as much effort as to just pass and be done.
I sat down with him one day and we had a really long talk. Or rather I asked question after question and he responded "I don't know" or it was somehow the teachers fault. OK. Well then I guess I need to see for myself what is going on in class. I told him I would be attending class with him just to make sure what was happening. He was horrified! I told him either to get his stuff together - or I would go with him to make sure he did.
He would get going for a long while, but I had to remind him that I was looking forward to sitting in class with him whenever he would fall backwards again.
He's in 9th grade now, and I have already had the talk with his teachers. They all said "Come on!" So he knows I am not bluffing. It has helped immensely now that he's in high school.
Also, meet the teachers! They are your greatest help in knowing ahead of time when they are slacking off. I keep in touch with all of my son's teachers by e-mail. It's the only way he's made it to the 9th grade...
Good luck!

I would say "live and learn" and see what happens.

good luck.

Find her "currency", what matters to her. My youngest loves to talk on the phone, don't do school work, not phone.

Also, I have offered the following with each of my kids:

I want to do all I can to help you succeed. That means there is no sacrifise too big. If it will help you I will come to school with you and write in your planner, just to help. Each one got the idea, and I have never had to follow through.

My husband and I have the philosophy that if it impacts long term goals, we stay involved and did not quit. If it is something like staying up too late, too tired to go to school, let her suffer the consequences and be miserable at school the next day. Or eating junk instead of food then having a stomach/headache. Fine.

When it comes to school or their safety, that is when parents buckle down. Sure she might not do a report then make a zero. The end of the grading period will reflect that. Find out what Really is important to her. Video games, tv, phone, friends, new clothes. Threats are a waste of your breath. Make a contract with her and post it on her bedroom door with both parents and her signature. Tell her this is the new game plan: Expectations, Rewards, Consequences(not Punishment). Then you do not repeat, remind,etc. and she can't say you never told her that. Tell her to check the contract. You and your husband signed contracts with your jobs which had a similar outline.

A couple of our children were especially difficult and fought the rules. We told them we accepted the job of being good parents when we brought these kids into the world. When they broke rules and were grounded, we stuck it out and saw it through. One child was failing some classes. We grounded from the telephone for the rest of the grading period. The last night of her consequences she went with friends and broke some serious rules. We did not scream or threaten. We said we were sorry to have not made the message clear to her that we were holding ourselves to the contract. We signed on for 6 more weeks of no phone and took away spending the night at friends to show her we were serious. She continued in her schemes and so did we. 4 yrs of it.

She is a college grad with a good job and her own car and apartment. We told her that's how much we love her.

We stayed dedicated to our program with our son as well for 10 yrs. He too is a college grad, has his own job, apt and car. They are fine generous people, helpful to others.

Many were the days we wanted to run away.
Keep your chin up. Not every child is that difficult.
Remember you are not here to be their friend, you are their parent "to train up a child in the way he should go, so when he gets old, he will not stray from it."

Our son often tells us he is thankful that we loved him enough to never give up on him. Music to parents ears.

Hi K. ~ I know exactly how you feel. My son is brilliant, but he hated homework, with a passion! His philosophy was basically the same as your daughter's. He also felt if he got the concept in school, why should he do more work of the same kind that he had already completed. He was smart enough to make As on his tests, but all the zeros he got for not turning in his homework almost kept him from passing each year. The thing that helped was good communication with the teacher, presenting a united front to the child. Some teachers are very willing to help, some not as much. Talk to the teacher and explain the situation. As the teacher to sign off on the daytimer, and you sign off on the daytimer, each day. The teacher is showing that the assignments are written down, and you show that the assignment is completed. If there are no assignments for a day, the teacher signs off where it has been written down, No Homework Today. Unfortunately, we didnt stick with this as strictly as we should have (we could always find justification to not follow this)and even though my son is so smart, his self-esteem suffered. He didnt get good grades and now feels he's not capable of achieving as much as I know he could. We have been going to counseling to help with this issue. For that reason, I wouldnt let your daughter 'ride the wave alone'unless you set a time period only. For example, a six week period,if her grades suffer have consequences/rewards for bad/good grades. I know this is long and it probably sounds like Im rambling, but I feel for you and just hope Ive provided some additional insight. Best of luck to you, and your daughter.

6th grade is fun, we don't want to spoil that. After School activities have pass to play rules. That may work.

A's can also make her some "money"

Real money and make a goal of something she can buy with good grades. Then show her how to save it by putting half in an account for her.

Bad grades subtract money, yes, this is bribery, but it works. You don't want her to think it is OK to fail. Money talks!!!

Deal with consequences. My parents told me as long as I passed that it was fine. So all I did was pass. There has to be something she likes that is a luxery item. Like a cell phone, internet access, phone, allowance, something that she would want to get those grades back up to earn back the item or privellage to have. I vote for you to get that lazy bone out now. Life isnt about being lazy and her job will not be a good one if she is lazy. Just not filling out the daytimer is not acceptable. ( sorry for my horrible spelling....again I only was asked to pass :D )!!

Hi K.,

Maybe she and my son are somehow related?! He is also a 6th grader and won't come in and get his homework done. LAZY! I think it's the hormones kicking in. I can remember being lazy at that age, too. I let him try things his way and he made a "D" on a grade that was easily an "A" for doing following the directions and getting the work done. Then he got in trouble big time with me. He was very ugly last Saturday to everyone in the house and I was ready to throttle him. I literally had to follow him to every room he went into to keep him from picking a fight with his 14 year old brother! Once that happened, I talked to him and he started to cry about being stressed out with the amount of work. He realized that not listening to me on his completion project was stupid and we had a good talk. Maybe you can explain to her that middle school is so different because they expect so much more. I would let her do it her way until she feels overwhelmed and then try to bail her out like I did my son with a good talk. Hope this helps!

C.

My kids aren't that old yet, so I'm just guessing at it here, but I think you explain to her the consequences of failing - being left back and all that - tell her you know she's smart and capable and you're disappointed that she refuses to do her job as a student, and then leave it alone. If she can figure out how to pass without it, great! If not, punish the failing grade. Sometimes we have to experience things to learn the lessons. You can't do it for her, so let her fail and decide she doesn't like it. Or let her figure out her own way of passing, even if it's a method you may not agree with. It's only going to get harder from here and she needs to figure out her routine, not yours.

Does she have several teachers? Is this happening in all subjects or just selected ones? One technique that often works is to have the teacher sign the daytimer after the student has written down the assignment. That assures the student that all the grownups are on the same page and she needs to "get with the program". If the problem continues after you try that, you might want to talk with the school counselor who can then talk with your daughter to see if there is anything else going on. Also, are the classes too easy for her? She might need to be moved into Gifted and Talented ones. Sometimes at this age kids just decide it's not "cool" to be smart unless they are in a class with other smart kids. (I'm a retired teacher with 38 years of MS-HS experience.)

Hi K., I know what you're going through -- but from the teacher's point of view. I used to teach 5th grade Reading, Language Arts and Social Studies. I think a lot of it is this age group. What I tried to keep a habit of doing is to sign my student's dayplanners. Also, you obviously have access to a computer. What might be even more convenient for her teacher(s) is to have her/him/them email you the assignments. That way, there is no way your daughter can lie, or withold evidence, about what her homework assignments are. Email is a great invention : ), and makes it so much easier on the teacher - - who can spend more time teaching than signing planners. Just a thought.

She just started 6th grade. Does that mean she's in middle school? Has she changed friends? Maybe she's trying to be one of the new crowd. If removing priveleges doesn't work then have a conference with the school counselor who can impress upon her that if she doesn't do the work she will not be able to participate in a lot of the fun things at school, ie cheering squad, drill team, sports team, etc.

I now have a 14 year old, almost 15, so I can relate. Being she is my first, my husband and I have had a hard time, mainly with laziness and attitude. She has started high school this year and it is worse this year. Just when I thought 7th and 8 th grade was bad. I think that they purposely not do the things that they are suppose to to just to push their parents buttons. I have tried many things with her the last 3-4 years and one of them that worked with stay in constant contact with her teachers. I sometimes did this by phone calls or emails. I would 3-4 times a week initial her assignment book so her teacher would be aware that I was paying attention. I would ask everyday, which is something that I felt I shouldn't have to do with my daughter. I would quizz her on her notes and chapters in her book for tests. Eventually I stopped having to do it so much because she know that I would if I felt she wasn't upholding her responibility. Even though I tried to stay up to date on her school stuff, it seems every 3-6 weeks, we were having the "responsibility in school talk." I know how stressfull it is. I guess try to make her accountable and take away priviledges and let her know that you will be checking and keeping in contact with her teachers.

Yep, my vote is for live and learn. The best way for her to learn is by suffering the consequences if she doesn't stay organized/do her studying. Good luck!

No. She doesn't need to ride the wave alone. She needs help. I doubt she is "lazy", there is probably some other underlying problem. Have her eyes been checked recently? Is she having a difficult time with the material in some way? Is she being bothered by other students?

Now after reading your latest response, it really sounds like she just isn't being challenged enough. It sounds like she needs harder material.