Mom in Search of Advice

Maybe they are acting out, if you just went back to work coul be that this is thier way of dealing with or showing you they are unhappy. If the behavior is not new then would suggest seeking a developmental ped in San Antonio ...Dr Harkins and Dr Fierro are the ones that we know of if you need numbers just email
Good Luck

Keeping your son back a grade is a BIG mistake! If he is up to par, academically, with the other students in the class he deserves to go to the next level. By asking that he be left back you show him you believe he is inadequate and this will affect him the rest of his life. As a single mom, you are doing what you think is best, but momma you are screwing up!
Your boys are seeking attention in a big way. You have them in extracurricular activites (and you believe this is spending time with them). This is wasting everyone's time. They are at an age where they are now understanding that they don't have a daddy. Meet other single moms, show these boys that their situation is NOT Unique; they are not different. Sit with your boys and play dominoes, cards, board games, watch a half hour Disney show, go to the dollar theater with them. You mentioned a "best friend" but did not say if the friend is a male or not. If the friend is a male, they may feel as though they are losing you to him (do you see my point). Your oldest is not rude, he is angry and does not know how to express himself. Both you and your friend can take the boys on seperate "one on one time" and then do something (all 4) together. Go to comic book stores where they sell collectible action figures and describe it to them as going to a museum. Go to church together (BRCC - Bandera Road Community Church NW San Antonio for example offers programs for parents and children - half our skit each Saturday night and twice Sunday called KidStuff. So you get free entertainment and learn about God. Boy wouldn't that be horrible? You see what I mean. If you choose to go to service (if music fills your heart and you don't like to hear lectures about burning in hell, then this is the place to be. Also they don't pass collection boxes so it does not cost you anything to come by one day), the adults go to the big church and the kids go to separate classroom where they do arts and crafts, sing songs, and hear bible stories. I recommend you try it once to see if you and the boys like it. Learn more at www.BRCC.net
Churches offer alot of programs for kids these days and it is a way for you to do something with them. You don't even have to go to service - if you just want to check out Kidstuff it would be like taking the boys to see a play. I have a 7 year old son and am a single mom here in SA, I know an 8 year old who never met his dad (and he has alot of sadness and anger)but he enjoys going to BRCC. If you have any questions or would like to meet up one day so I can introduce my boy to yours and maybe go to church, call me, Y. ###-###-####.
If not we can play board games or watch a movie at home or go to the dollar movie or just talk. I wish you the best with your boys. Remember we are trying to raise strong, responsible, caring men who will know how to treat their wives better than our partners have treated us. Y. ###-###-####

Hi D..
Is your youngest in Kindergarten or First Grade?
email me: ____@____.com

I have a 9 yr old an an almost 6 yr. old.
I have found that this is the testing year for my 9 yr old. Be consistent when it comes to rules and consequences or yes, they will get worse. Your 8 yr old is old enough to understand consequences. Write down rules of do's and don'ts and the consequences. For example, if he is good then he gets a point or a star on his chart for that day. Points, etc should be given at the end of the day. At the end of the week, add up the stars and put the amount onto a monthly chart. Have a set standard for receiving rewards, such as 25 stars and he gets to choose an outing for the family, such as pizza night etc. Focus on the positive. If he doesn't achieve the 25 then say "we'll hang on to these stars and try again next month". Put the stars that he did get into a folder, which he can keep under his pillow. These will be a reminder to try a little harder for next month. I know a month seems too long but it really goes by quickly. Don't start with a weekly outing unless you are ready to take them out to a place of their choice at the end of the week. This can become very costly. Monthly is just easier to budget.
You can also give him Instant rewards for displaying "good manners", such as speaking politely to you and your friends. You can have a seperate line for instant reward stars and choose an amount which will result in a small weekly reward, such as an ice cream at the ice cream shop. There are so many things you can do. These are just a couple of ideas.
Once your youngest sees big brother doing so well and being rewarded, he, too, will become better behaved.
I wouldn't jump into the ADD, ADHD diagnosis until you find out whether or not their behavior is due to emotional stress. You working may not seem different to you but to a child who is used to having you around 24/7, it is a huge emotional knock down. Just reassure them that you are always there for them if they need to talk or just need a hug. Reassurance is key.
email me if you need to.
Take Care
D.

hi my name is N. i live in sanantonio tx im a mother of 3 children my oldes is 15 he was diognosed with add at age 5 he was in kindergarden but i dint want to take him to the doctor cause i wasnt shure if he realy was or not they had tested him in school for add and they said he did fall in that category so went he went to first grade he just got worse he was also doing the same thing your child was doing going under the desk but my son would also bark like a dog make all kinds of noises talk back to the teacher and desturve the other kids and very destractive so i took him to the doctor told him wat was going on and showed him all the paper work i got from the ard meetings and test they did in school and he TALK TO HIM IN THE ROOM BY HIMSELF I HAD STEP OUT FOR A LITTLE BET HE ASK HIM QUESTIONS ASK HIM TO DRAW OR WRITE SOMETHING AND SO HE TOLD ME THAT YEA HE IS ADD so ever since hes been on meds and i seen alot of inprovment right know hes changed alot hes in the 8 grade know going to highschool next year and is doing very good he brought me home a and b hes getting there but i recoment u to get them tested for add with a doctor not just the school have eny more questions feel free to email me at ____@____.com bye know

Get them evaluated by a professional first before keeping him back. He could have a learning disability and he might not know how to express himself. Seriously see if your school has a pychologist that can evaluate them to see if it's not something else that is troubling them.

Please don't hold your child back a grade!

If they have a learning disability or ADHD, this can be worked around. If their problems are strictly behavioral, you will likeley cause their problem to get worse rather than better by holding them back. Holding them back sets them up to be older, and therefore different from, their classmates for the rest of their school experience.

My advice? Spend as much time with them as possible. Support them. You may even consider taking them out of their extra-curricular activities and instead, spend more family time. Take them to a professional to see if they have ADHD or ODD - don't try to diagnose them at home.

Good luck!

Being that I grew up in a single family home and I'm the oldest of 13 I just wanted to say that it seems that your children are really looking for your attention! It might be that you are paying as much attention as you can but some kids don't take change too well and for me I had alot of problems with my kids when they changed schedules , I don't know if you are doing something different than normal in the home but it sound like maybe you need to sit down and explain your situation and ask them whats something you can do! It seems the more I talk to my kids the more they want to talk to me about things that bother them, it might take sometime for them to really tell you but they will eventually! My kids had some of the same problems like being bad at school and peeing in the bed every night and mainly acting up when we went out somewhere but since I have put up a chart that helps me award them for good behavour rather than getting upset at them for the bad they seem to want to try harder at being good, they get the attention they want! you might try it!

the child with adhd i might be able to understand ,i have a 14 year old with adhd and also has these behaviors the rudeness ,always defiant to adults and others traits which has to do with adhd,but just found out he has ODD your child may have this check it out on the internet.when my child was 8 he was never wrong ,it was never was his fault,he was taking 10mg of ritlain at this time when he was on this medicine he was a totally different,wasn't rude as much,he would listen to his parents didn't pick fights with his older brother,but still has promblem with his anger it use to be real bad when he was 8,9,10,11,it seems if u raise your voice to them they seem to think your hollering at them,so i TRY to stay calm with him where he will calm down and go back to his normal self.

I just wanna say kudos that you are willing to get them evaluated and not letting your pride hold you back. To many parents are too proud to admit that there might be a real problem with thier child and it causes damage for later in life for the child so "KUDOS" for the willingness and the strong enough love you have for you children to not let your pride get in the way!!!! I also think you should wait to see what the evaluation uncovers before holding your son back though. Hang in there, if there is a a problem you got the help ball rolling and if there isnt a problem just remember that any phase they go through in childhood is just that " a phase". It will pass and everything will be ok, just hang in there mom!