Mom Guilt

On the bright side, I have seen 4 year old act like this (saying 'You are the worst mom and I wish Jennifer was my mom.').

I am a little confused about the costume. Does the play/recital have a specific way to dress? I know most dance school around here do, so the teacher should be telling her when she is not following her rules too. never mind, it might be a regular school with flexible guidelines for the costume.

Things like clothes, I really try to let my kids run their own game with. As long as they are dressed appropriately, they can look how they want. It's a form of self-expression, right? So here they have to wear a black bottom and a white top for any kind of school performance, but that leaves the options still pretty wide. As long as they are within code, it's all good.

I would just try to let her have some control - it will get better.

So frustrating, isn't it? At this age, they start to assert their independence (ultimately a good thing), but they're still scared about not being protected by Mom and Dad, and they're old enough to identify your weakness (like being hurt by the "I Hate You" song).

You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. I think you can do reminders about things, but really, what horrible consequence will result if they don't get to something on time or they aren't dressed appropriately? What horrible thing will happen if they don't get their homework done one night? Let her go to things and face the consequences, either with the teacher or the activity advisor. If she had a key role in a school play, then not being there would have a terrible impact on the others, but if it was a chorus concert or other group performance, so what if she missed it? The world wouldn't end. She'd either be disappointed and wouldn't do it again, or she wouldn't care and you'd know not to sign her up for something in the future.

When my kid didn't want to get ready for school, I nudged a lot. Then it occurred to me, So what if he's late? He's in 3rd grade. I said (forcing myself to be calm), "Okay, that's fine. You're too big for me to carry. But just a reminder, if you arrive late, the school rule is that you have to check in with the office. So when you're there and they ask you why you are late, you can give your reasons directly to the principal yourself." Brief look of horror. Quickly got dressed.

He did this occasionally as a teen. He mouthed off and was, I thought, disrespectful of adult rules. So I told him I assumed he was too immature to drive. I took the car keys and license plate off his car (my mother had given him her old one), and told him what time the school bus arrived. He was defiant because he thought I'd relent, then the next morning was horrified when he saw I wasn't kidding. He wouldn't deign to take the bus, and he didn't have the guts to call the older girls down the street to hitch a ride. I told him he could walk (3 miles). He wound up asking a friend's father to drive him in - not my preference, but he only did it once and knew he couldn't impose again. He spent the day working on an apology and a better attitude.

It's okay to let them be "grown up and independent" and then give them the responsibilities that go with that! Usually they back down because they want rides, allowances, sleepovers, or homework help.

The thing for you to do is to realize that you still hold all the cards, you just have to change what you say and how you say it. And she is not smart enough to know who's the worst mother in the world! Don't believe her! Isn't there a book with a title something like "I hate you. Can you drive me to the mall"?? Get it from the library and read up! They ALL do what your daughter is doing. Just take a breath and a step back, try to be amused by her, imagine that she'd last about a day and a half in a home run by Mrs. XXX the perfect mom (who might have some different rules but probably is just as tough or worse in a number of areas). Take the drama out of YOUR thinking, and it will defuse the drama in your daughter's.

pick your battles, hon. and try to keep in mind when she says mean things that she DOES love you, and how much she needs (underneath the mean surface) to know that nothing she can do or say will rock your love for her.
sometimes it's just hard.
good for you for venting here.
have a hug! {{{{{}}}}}
khairete
S.

Diane D - I am officially giving you credit for all the stealing I am going to be doing of this: "Don't bite the hook she's throwing into your emotion pond".

LOVE IT.

My only other words of wisdom..... 9 is the new 13. Don't negotiate with terrorists. Pick your battles (as has already been said).

It's tough. Remember what she was like at 3. She's EXACTLY that again in brain function - the prefrontal cortex is out of it's mind (literally) so her impulse control, decision making and emotions are unregulated and developing at a crazy, inconsistent rate and her hormones are making her insane. Just like when she was 3. Except now she has wicked verbal skills and the ability to manipulate. F.U.N! (for no one, including her).

Of course you're stupid. you're the mom. You're going to be stupid until she is 27, so buckle up.

But now is the time she needs you most.

Remember that you're the parent. Your job USED to be controlling decisions for her. NOW your job is to control emotions FOR YOU. Model behavior, cut her (and you) some major slack and start giving your crazy kid some additional responsibility. I know!!!! It's totally counter-intuitive. But it's the only way to give your kid what she needs when she is hell-bent on proving that she doesn't.

Mistakes she makes NOW are MUCH less costly than if she makes them when she is 20.

Now is a good time to sit down and make a list of your "non-negotiables" (which, btw, in my opinion should be safety, major health, education and reputation). Anything else? If it doesn't affect those things...... let her learn for herself.

Love and Logic is a pretty good book, if you're a reader.

Good luck. This too shall pass. and it passes into the stage where there are boys and drugs and alcohol in unsupervised locations :-)

I remember at that age having emotional outbursts with my mom. My mother also had told me that I was hormonal. That it was normal to have emotional outbursts, but that we need to work through them together and not against each other. That she loves me, and just wants what is best for me.

Don't beat yourself up. Moms aren't perfect or inhuman. We all come with flaws and feelings. Sometimes we lose focus. I'd let your daughter have some time to her thoughts and feelings, and then have a good heart to heart. Preferably with chocolate.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Clothing for a performance? Small stuff. How to wear her hair? Small stuff. Not eating a meal? Wanting something different for dinner? Small stuff. Although the wanting something different for dinner would mean that she'd have to get it herself because mama ain't no short order cook.

Seriously this is the part of her life where you need to teach her to make good decisions and be there to catch her when she doesn't and falls. She's baiting you into fighting by pushing the buttons she's learned over the years. Your job is to not react to everything. Walk away. Count to 10. Throw on you headphones and listen to some tunes. Don't bite the hook she's throwing into your emotion pond.

Sometimes you have to let your child learn a lesson. Getting to the performance half-dressed and with a mangled outfit would have given her a consequence. Her teacher and the other kids would have seen to that. You could have told her teacher to please address it with her.

To be honest, I don't quite know why you're beating yourself up. She chose to butt heads with you. She knew what she was supposed to be doing and she wasn't doing it. You didn't do anything wrong. And if the teacher looked at you like you're the worst mom in the world because her eyes were red, then she's either NOT a mom, or she's just very judgmental.

Your daughter is pushing your buttons, and you're letting her. If she's going to talk ugly to you, then she loses privileges. You need to stop giving her the reaction that she actually WANTS. When you act like she's wounding you, you're playing right into her game. She may not know it's a game, but it is, and she's winning when she upsets you so much.

Look up this book on Amazon - Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated. Get this book and read it. Even though she isn't a teenager yet, you need to learn how to deal with this kind of behavior without it letting you tear you apart.

Why did you get involved? Only she is responsible for what she wears. I suggest that sympathizing with her preperformance jitters would have changed the outcome. If she was hostile to your help, leave the room. This was a fight no one could win. My philosophy is to never fight with a child.

I suggest you had too much invested in her outcome. This caused you to be anxious. Two anxious people increase the anxiety by four fold.

I know about feeling guilty. When I was young I did react the way you did. Still do sometimes. What has helped me is to KNOW that I'm doing the best that I can at the moment. I repeat that mantra over and over. Finally I really get it. I am not responsible to make things perfect and each of us learns from our mistakes. By fighting with your daughter anger becomes the focus which reduces her opportunity to learn how to do it differently next time.

I suggest a book titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so kids
Will talk written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

It's ironic. Now I can take parenting less seriously only to be faced with how to adjust to my last year's of life. There are always things to learn.

You need to be firm and let her consequences be her own. The costume she tore up....well, the teacher could have taken her out of the show for not being in costume. The teacher might not have even noticed too. Of course you don't want her to act like that but she's pushing boundaries.

All American kids go through these stages. They don't in all countries. They all go through puberty but they all don't have rebellious stages along with it. It's something our western culture sees.

I'd give her consequences for her actions. What did she want to do instead of getting ready? Watch TV? TV gone for a few days. Play a game? Game gone a few days. Lay down and take a nap? Consequences would be something along the lines of going to bed early, something to do specifically with why she didn't want to get ready.

I would have specifically told the teacher she tore the costume up and she got in trouble. The guilt was all in your mind and it still is.

YOUR child is at fault, not you. Had you allowed her to get away with this you'd have made a tween child that knew they could push you further and get away with more.

The reason she cried is because she didn't get her way, nothing more.

Try not to argue or get sucked into her argument..... yes, I know that is easy to say, but very difficult to do...... when she sees you blowing up, that lets her (and her feelings) off the hook... it deflects from the issue.

One good stock answer you can say is... "I see you are really upset with something right now. How about we both go calm down and talk about it in 10 minutes?" Give her a hug and walk away.....

Very hard to do, but it may help! And... be sure to come back in 10 minutes... set the timer if you have to.......

Diane hit the nail on the head.

I'd just add this: Read the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," as well as "Parenting With Love and Logic."

You aren't failing, you just needs some tools to help you work through these issues. It's okay. We all have times where we throw up our hands and say "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWEET KID?!"

My son is 8 and yeah, I get hit with hard words sometimes. Last night I was apparently 'the meanest mom'.... I just agreed (of course I'm not, I know that, he was mad he had to go to bed). Ten minutes later he was asking to see me so he could apologize.

I don't argue with him when he's so mad like that. It only draws out a battle that stems from what? tiredness, hunger, hormones, feeling anxious about something, sense of unfairness.... whatever the emotion, I try to let him sit with it and give him time to figure his stuff out. Not engaging, not trying to change his mind gives him a chance to move through the emotion without digging his heels in. Mom isn't going to argue or fight with him. It's taken a while for me to learn what's really important and worth pursuing (behavior expectations, esp at school; household expectations for being member of our family) and when to back off and let him go do his mood thing. The less he feels he has to save face by not admitting he made a mistake in his actions, the more likely it is that he can feel okay with himself for turning things around later.

ETA: I should add that this doesn't mean I'm going to stand there and be yelled at, either. There are plenty of times when he is told to go cool off in his room. We all have crappy moments and it helps to model what sort of apology we want from them when we adults are also in a bad mood. I cannot force my son to listen to me or respect me-- you really can't force anyone to do that. I can, however, give him guidelines and limits as to how he is allowed to treat others (we operate on the golden rule with that one) and what I will and won't allow. So, if there's an attitude, privileges do go away and will have to be earned back through better behavior. The older I become, however, the less inclined I am to want to get into an argument about small stuff or about his venting. As he learns that he doesn't like feeling bad, he does catch himself and will say "I don't want to do X but I'm going to just do it anyway". This happens more and more often. Not perfect, but I just don't see cracking down and more combative exchanges as helpful for my son. He does better to understand and learn from his mistake.

You know how sometimes you just want to vent and you don't want anyone to "fix" anything or tell you how to fix it and then you get frustrated with your husband because he doesn't get it???
That may be what your daughter is doing. She doesn't want mom to offer the helpful suggestions about her outfit or that it'll be ok when she fails a test. She is trusting you and just wants you to listen and know you support her. It took me a little while to learn this with my daughter and I understand why men can get frustrated with us.

And you're "wrong" b/c she doesn't know what she wants, but feels like you're not hearing her (girls aren't always logical). This is a new phase to navigate through - good luck and God speed!

I thought this might be a post about weaning or going to work and leaving child with a childcare provider.

Well, I was wrong. The "young lady" is starting puberty. I know nine is early but with our growth hormones in food it is probably on time. Step back a moment and think of how you were at that age or a little older and what you did or didn't do when asked. Now go from there.

Be kind, patient, and loving to her and her outbursts. You can have a discipline for the outburst(s) by taking away things she loves for a set amount of time to correct the mouth. Find chores for her to do around the house the *dirty" ones and make her do them for mouthing off. Heck, have her mow the lawn and edge it. I bet that will keep her trap shut the next time she thinks about saying something.

Point is, she is growing up and trying to find herself and independence from you and in the family. Not everyone has an easy way of doing this. Some are more intense than others. Get a handle on it now so when the teen years hit you will have had most of the drama under control. The next ones will be the boys, the car, the makeup, the curfew and so on. So get on your broom and be prepared.

Welcome to teen years and beyond. Yes, they really begin to realize how smart and wise you are once they have a kid and this can be boy or girl.

the other S.

PS Don't sweat the small stuff. If the costume is ripped, she wears it and the dance teacher can ask what happened. The law of natural consequence. You, too, are a person and have feelings.

Usually when they say you're the worst mom? That means you're doing something right! Lol

Just make sure the things you choose to make an issue out if are indeed for her benefit, not yours.
Would it have mattered so much that she changed clothes?

One of my kids and I butt heads constantly. It doesn't help when hormones kick in too.

This one of mine (also preteen) purposefully antagonizes me. I will be having a perfectly fine afternoon, and whammo - looking for a disagreement. This one needs time to themselves - because if irritable will just become disagreeable.

So I agree - take a breath, don't respond (if you think you're going to blow), and separate - pick your battles ... and I've learned to let them go without coats even if it's raining (let them get wet ... once they are a certain age, you can't stop them) .. and I try not to worry so much.

I once pushed my child into doing something I thought was totally normal, only to get a flip out scenario - tears, the works, and yes, felt like horrible mom (do on a regular basis) and it was ok. We had a big talk after the fact (sometimes it's a week or two later) and smooth things over ... Personally, I think this will go on forever - that we will butt heads and I've just accepted it.

You're not the only one. I think feeling we are bad at this is all part of the day in the life of a mom. We're not perfect right? We're human.

This is just practice for when they are teens :) Good luck

Omg, what Diane B said!!!
Well said, well written.
One thing I'd add: give choices for certain things "Do you want to wear this or that?", "We can either go to the park or have a playdate?", "You can either do this or we can cancel your playdate. It's up to you.".

Also, pick your battles. Which means I am a stickler on having to wash hands often, floss & brush your teeth, can't be rude etc. But I am more flexible on what clothes they want to wear as long as they're appropriate, you want to watch the end of the cartoon but then it's off to do what I asked you to do, don't love what's on your plate.....try a few bites before you decide by sight, I make food the kids will enjoy not hate (no liver here like our parents made as kids....yuck!!, do you want these shoes or these to wear?, while clothes shopping- do you like the blue jeans or the brown pants? etc.

As they age & become somewhat independent it's crucial to their growth that they receive small amounts of control over their lives. Helps the succeed in life, make good choices & become responsible, contributing members of society!!

Updated

Omg, what Diane B said!!!
Well said, well written.
One thing I'd add: give choices for certain things "Do you want to wear this or that?", "We can either go to the park or have a playdate?", "You can either do this or we can cancel your playdate. It's up to you.".

Also, pick your battles. Which means I am a stickler on having to wash hands often, floss & brush your teeth, can't be rude etc. But I am more flexible on what clothes they want to wear as long as they're appropriate, you want to watch the end of the cartoon but then it's off to do what I asked you to do, don't love what's on your plate.....try a few bites before you decide by sight, I make food the kids will enjoy not hate (no liver here like our parents made as kids....yuck!!, do you want these shoes or these to wear?, while clothes shopping- do you like the blue jeans or the brown pants? etc.

As they age & become somewhat independent it's crucial to their growth that they receive small amounts of control over their lives. Helps the succeed in life, make good choices & become responsible, contributing members of society!!

Good luck, this is just the beginning. She is starting to grow up and will have her own thoughts and opinions. I try hard to work with my kids and I am a big believer in "natural consequences". Yes, *I* know they will get cold and wet when they leave for school without their jacket, but is it worth fighting about all morning and starting the day off like that? So they don't want to take a shower, ok, when they start getting the itchies then they will think, oh, I better hop in the shower and get clean. So start to pick your battles with her. Who cares if she's wearing the same clothes she already wore? And be honest with her and say you know she's growing up and you BOTH will need to work together to get along, so let's both try, ok? I'm the mom who says to my kids, I'm sorry I was such a jerk about blah blah and I think they start to know how hard it is to be a mom too. Good luck.

My oldest daughter (now 14) was a b!tch on wheels from the age of 8 to 10. I couldn't figure out why she was SO DARN DIFFICULT to deal with. The DRAMA, the angry outbursts, the arguing about every little thing. It was a TOUGH 2 years. Then she got her period (at 10yrs, 4months, early, right?). Anyway, once that happened, she became a regular person again. I can only conclude that she had pre-teen/pre-period hormones raging. Now, at 14, she's sweet and kind and MUCH easier to handle. Sure, we have teenage issues sometimes, but overall, she's a REALLY great kid. I barely survived those 2 years, though.

Hang in there. She may say you're the worst mom, but she doesn't mean it. Keep up whatever consequences you have in place for disrespect, etc. Don't let her get away with bad behavior. And KNOW that in her heart, she would NEVER trade you for another mom. My little girl once gave me a note that said "Dear Mommy, I hate you, Love, Katie" You'll survive this, too.

I hate that when kids say that kind of thing. It's so hurtful, but you just have to not take it personally. My son (11) has always had a difficult time with things and I get told on a regular basis that he hates me or I'm the worst. When he gets nasty he needs to go to his room to calm down. But you know what...an hour or two later he hugs me and says sorry. I can tell he really feels bad. He just has a hard time handling his own emotions. I hate it too. I struggle with just letting it flow over me and not taking things like this to heart. Since my son is often having a hard time over something (school event, homework, group project, you name it) I think I am going to have him start seeing a therapist again to do some behavioral therapy. I am starting to think he really suffers from anxiety.