Mom Frustrated and Needing Help

Whew I am glad to hear I am not the only one dealing with this. My son started school on Monday and by tuesday they were telling us he needed to go to a special needs class. Which he doesnt they said he maybe adhd which I beleive he is just five. They even tested him and said nope he is to smart. They even asked us not to send him to school until next week until we meet with them again. Talk about frustration. If you find anything that works please let me know
Good Luck

All I can say is that when my children were acting up because of a divorce and other issues, we bought the "Parenting With Love and Logic" book, and it has made a world of difference in getting through to them. Try it, good luck!

I hate to say, but behavior problems such as you describe are more common in kids who have been through daycare, esp over 20 hours per week.
I am an ex- special education teacher, and I do not need a crystal ball to tell you what may be coming up. If behavior problems continue, medication may be recommended. It is such a quick fix. Unfortunately it does not benefit your son in the long run.
I have a question. Is he really easy to work with at home...as in naturally compliant because you are mom and dad? Or does he need a whole lot of leverage -rewards and "consequences" - applied to his behavior to get him to listen to you?
If things are just fine at home, yet not at school, that is significant. It means all this time in daycare has not damaged his bonds with you. Then it may be the stressful school environment (new peers and pecking order,new adults etc) causing behavior issues. Your goal then is to see what in the school environment is the problem (it can be expectations, peers, bad food (your have heard of British study clearly linking artificial color in food to behavior changes in school kids) etc.
If you are having issues at home, then the problem runs a bit deeper. You might check out books and/or therapists that emphasize strengthening the bonds between parent and child, rather than behavior modification techniques that are just a band-aid approach to each individual negative behavior displayed.
I recommend child psych Gordon Neufeld. He talks extensively about the positive influence of strong bonding with parents and the dangers of excessive bonding with peers. Amazon.com will also recommend like-minded authors for more exploration.
Good luck..I applaud you for being pro-active.

I hate to hear a five year old already labeled as a "problem" by his teachers and school. It sets him up to continue fulfilling this prophecy forever. First he is a 5yo boy. Sitting quietly all day is not natural for this age, so be sure everyone has realistic expectations of him. Is homeschooling at all a possibility? You can work with his specific personality. Academically, homeschooling this age is not intense. It is, at most, a few hours a day, if that. With the great student-teacher ratio, you get much done in very little time.

Finally, consider a whole foods, nutrient dense diet. If the brain is not adequately fed, behavior issues arise. This stuff is a little controversial, but I've heard amazing stories. Use high vitamin cold liver oil to supplement (I stress high vitamin, quality stuff) and real food. Things your grandmother and her parents would have recognized and ate. See more here:
http://www.westonaprice.org

Good luck. Give your little boy unconditional love and acceptance. Give him your undivided attention when you're with him. And listen with your ears and heart. He may be able to tell you exactly what he needs for academic success.

Steven Biddulph in the book, Raising Boys, recommends starting boys a year later in school because they are not ready for a rigorous academic environment that requires them to sit still. So maybe it's just asking too much of him to have him sit still all day. Maybe he can wait another year before starting school? Or have you considered putting him in Montessori? I know of a charter elementary school (meaning it's free to send him there) on Recker and Elliot called San Tan Montessori. They also have preschool (but the preschool costs money) there if you want to send your younger child there.

I would also like to agree with the person who recommended Love and Logic. Here are the list of classes the local Love and Logic instructor is teaching: http://www.keriparentcoach.com/447486.html Tell her T. sent you. You can also call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful).

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart.It sounds like maybe you could ease up on trying to control his behavior and just let him suffer the natural consequences, or maybe more empathy on your part is needed. Try to see where he is coming from and remember being a child or even being an adult and being denied what you want. It doesn't mean bad behavior is acceptable, but feeling frustrated is. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

You could try sitting with him in school. Start with the whole day and gradually exit yourself out of the classroom. Who knows, your son may want you to leave once he gets used to his new environment. He'll be fine, he just needs to adapt to this new change.

Hi H.,
I just wanted to share a book I am reading that might be able to help you help your child deal with emotions. I am learning a ton from it. It's called "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" and it's by John Gottman. I wish you the best, M.

Hi H. -

Though this may sound strange to some, have you sat down and talked with your son - eye to eye level? If not, please give it a try. If he says he doesn't know, please believe him. Then, ask him what's going on when he feels like he needs to leave the room. Ask him how it feels in his body. Ask him if there are 1 or 2 people in the room that make him feel "funny" when he is around them. If you approach this gently, he will open up and explain in his own terms.

Children from birth to age 5 or 6 (sometimes even older - depending on the child) are energy sponges. They absorb and express back out the energy of the people around them. You can teach him how to put a protective "bubble" around him - I will help you with this if you are not familiar with the technique. You may have to talk with the teacher if there are a few kids in his class who's energy is out of control. Don't be surprised if it's the teacher's energy out of control and he is picking up on her stress levels.

Understanding a child's behavior is more than just telling them to do this....do that....do this....it is helping them to understand during what times and around what people they feel uncomfortable and then choosing a better way of reacting.

If you need, there are herbs or herbal formulas that can help give him some balance on the inside while he is working on the outside.

Good luck,

M. M. Ernsberger
Certified Clinical Herbalist
Certified Master Hypnotherapist
Certified Life Coach
Services for Children & Families

Have you tried adjusting his diet. Some foods can cause a child to be totally out of control and even they do not understand why. I have been in your shoes and this is what worked for us. The foods that I was told to watch out for were anything with red dye #40 (this is a big one with most kids). We also were told only to use Jiff peanut butter and only Hershey chocolate. There is something in the other brands that sets off the "bad" behavior. I truly believe it is a chemical reaction in the brain but that has not been proven.
We watched our son closely and took note of when the behavior was at it's worst and what he may have eaten to cause the change. Then we eliminated that food from his diet to see if it helped. I highly recommend that you start by eliminating the Red #40. Please note that Red #40 can be found in things that are not the color red as well as the obvious red items. I have found it in many purple items and have even found it in chocolate (why, I have no idea). It can also be found in black. Watch the labels. Christmas and Valentines Day are extremely bad holidays for red #40. I used to send in special treats for my son.
I know where you are coming from. I have been in your shoes. This is what helped us the most. My son was a totally different person when we watched what he ate. I am happy to report that now that he is 15, we don't have to watch him as much and have been able to add some foods back. I still have a 10 yrs old daughter that cannot eat red #40 without bouncing off the walls. Both of my children were/are very good about watching out for the red dye themselves because they can see the difference in how they behave and feel.
I hope this helps you. As I said, I know your frustration. Feel free to write me if you have any questions or just need to vent. C.

Hi H.,
I was very interested in replying to this post because #1 I am a parent of a very strong willed daughter (8) and #2 I am also a teacher and have worked in Early childhood and am now at the elementary level. To me it sounds like you are trying to really do the right things to help your son. I think this might be an issue of finding the right school for your child. It might not be "HIM". If he is running out of the class, I would ask first, "What does he feel he needs to run away from?" It is so important as a parent to communicate to teachers and administrators that your child is an individual and has individual needs. Sit down with the school personell and try to come to an agreement on consequences for his behavior that he will understand and that everyone that is trying to help him, will be able to implement. Good luck!

It is only the first week of school. You and the teacher need to be more patient. It takes awhile to learn routines and procedures.

I TOTALLY understand what you are going through! My son is 5 years old and used to go to daycare 11 hours a day, 5 days a week! He was having issues with listening and it seemed as though everytime I picked him up from Daycare the teacher told me how aweful he was at school! I did try everything, taking things away, rewards chart, the nice approach!! EVERYTHING! I was dreading him going to Kindergarten because I was afraid of how he was going to act! Finally, I sat my son down and just asked him what was going on at school and why he was behaving the way he was............. I think that seemed to work well! He opened up and told me exactly how he felt and even more how he was being treated. There may be more going on than you think with your child, but you will never know unless you ask. I also took him out of daycare for a good 3 weeks before starting Kindergarten. I figured out that even 5 year olds can get stressed and they need a break just as much as we do. He started Kindergarten 3 days ago as well and I have had no complaints :)I don't think your child is a "PROBLEM" I think that the schools and teachers around today like to find any excuse they can to label your child as a problem or find some medical excuse only because they themselves can not handle children or they do not have the patience to.............. Hang in there! Just don't give up on that little guy :)

Hello H.,

I'm a counselor in Phx. I see this all the time.

Does your son sleep in your bed? Or do you do alot for him that he could really do for himself? This can make your child into a little tyrant.

There are SO many factors that could be causing these behaviors. Email me, I'll send you my free questionaire that will help you cure all the problems you're having.

My heart is with you!

XXOO!!, J.

____@____.com
www.JaneFendelman.com
###-###-####

I'm sorry things aren't starting well for your son. I think it's so important that he have a positive school experience from the beginning of the year, so I would schedule a meeting right away with his teacher, so that you can all work together to help him. Perhaps suggest some kind of a simple positive behavior program for him where maybe he can earn stickers for engaging in positive behaviors at school, and then earn a small prize at home if he gets enough stickers. Have him involved in this plan so that he feels ownership. The most important thing is to find out the function or "why" of the behavior (e.g. is he engaging in the behavior to get attention from the teacher or peers or trying to get out of work, etc.). If talking to the teacher fails, I would suggest talking to the school psychologist in your son's school- he/she could help your son have a more positive school experience.

Good luck!
M.

I'm a teacher, currently home with my little guy (9 mos old). I saw this a lot with kids who might just need some more attention from a parent. It sounds like you are really busy, but make sure he's got you fully when you do have the time. No TV! Turn off that Spongebob if he watches it, nothing good can come from shows that constantly reinforce bad behavior. Love all over him for a couple of weeks and PLEASE let the teacher know what you are doing. There's nothing more frustrating than having a kid in class with behavior issues and the parents don't care. You obviously do, so let the teacher know what approaches you take and have her follow the same guidelines at school. Also, the first few weeks are a big transition, so give hime some time to adjust. The teacher probably used the principal just to start off showing him that there are bigger consequences in school than daycare.

Hi H.,
Try maybe setting up a rewards system for the end of each week. Explain to him that if he stays in his seat and listens to his teachers that at the end of the week he will get a treat, toy, or be able to go somewhere he loves but only if he is good for the whole week. You couls start off small and do it per day for a week or two and then move to a week program. And put up a chart so that he can see it on a daily basis. It could possibly give him incentive. Involve him in it. He can mark the day or put a sticker on the days he is good. Don't know if this will be effective for you or not but it can't hurt to try something new.
C.

I can only suggest what's worked for me. I've learned that every behavior has a reason. Your son may be wanting more of your attention. With my step-son, when I consistenly give him unexpected praise or hugs then he doesn't do drastic things to get my attention. I even schedule special mom-son dates when I can. He's got ADD, so when we get notes from the teacher that he's doing well, we praise him, and if he's done especially well, we go out to a movie or dinner to celebrate. We don't do it all of the time, otherwise he starts expecting it.

Anyway, I know every child is different, so I hope this is helpful in some way.

Hi H.,

I 100% agree with the second response from Jaimee K. Cut out dyes in his diet. Tell him that it will make him sick to eat foods with red and yellow dyes. This will condition him to start to pick foods without the coloring. For instance, my son knows to pick the cupcake with the white frosting instead of a colored frosting. Set the boundaries, letting him know exactly what is expected of him (don't just assume that he knows and tell him what to do rather than what not to do) and be consistent with the punishment when he does not follow the rules! Remember that you are the boss and you are not being mean by punishing him -- you told him what would happen if repeated a specific behavior so he chose the punishment. The most important thing that I can add is that you need to give him positive praise whenever you can -- catch him being good and tell him how proud you are of him. Thumbs up or even double thumbs up & thumbs down seems to be working at our house. It is visual and audible -- you might want to give it a try. And if it works tell the teacher to use the same approach. Good luck and hang in there -- it is only the first week and K is a huge adjustment for little guys.

This may be some really lame advice and I feel for you. Do you ever watch Supernanny? I don't find that all her techniques are something I would use but her advice on consistency and follow through has been a god send in our house. She has a book too. Take what works for your family and leave the rest. We have had no behavior issues at all since hubby and I work together as a team (which is harder than you may think) and remain consistent. Dr. Phil also says find out what is important to your child (one child may be different from another) and start taking away the valuable item/activity. Other than that, it sounds like when he's home he needs your attention and love more than anything, whichi is hard if you're working and have to do chores when you get home. Maybe schedule 1/2 hour- 1 hour when he can have your/your hubby's undivided attention. Hope this helps.

Have you considered that there may be some other underlying problem that is not just bad behavior? Maybe ADHD or something like that? Although he has been in the daycare system his whole life, school is a whole different environment. First of all, in the schools there are more kids per teacher than are allowed in daycares. Maybe he needs a little more one on one attention than he is getting. My daughter is 6 years old and is very high functioning mild Autistic. She has some of the same issues in her classroom and it seems to help when there is somebody else in the room to help the teacher when she can not give my daughter the one on one attention that she may need. Sometimes kids get stressed out and don't know how to handle it so they try to get up and do other things than the teacher says. Listening is a big one. I am not saying that your son is Autistic, just that there could be something that is affecting his behavior that he can't control. I would recommend that you ask your pediatrician or family doctor for advice.

I have 4 children and I homeschool them so I've had to really have my kids behave, cooperate, and help or else nothing would get done and I would go insane. When I just had two I had extreme behavior problems but with 4 they are fine. Part of the reason is because they had food sensitivities and allergies and once I figured out what was triggering behavior problems and changed how I fed them, it helped. Also, I learned how to set rules and consequences for disobedience and then followed through every time. I'm a softy so this was really important for me. I would first of all make sure your son eats nutritious meals and no junk food. I would also (with dad) set rules on what is expected of him at school. Be specific. And let him know what the consequences are if he doesn't do it. No video games or TV etc. Be extremely kind and positive and encouraging. If he has a good day at school, do something special to celebrate. Keep close tabs with his teachers and let your son know what they say and make sure he feels like you love him no matter what and you have his back. But at the same time, he is expected to behave and will get no privileges if he doesn't change etc. Good luck to you!

Have you looked into any other causes other than behavioral? My son has a Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and we didn't have it figured out until he was 7 years old! We just thought he had bad behavior problems, but the fact was his dysfunction made it very difficult to focus in school and he needed movement so much, he would just get up or act out in a structured situation. I'm not saying that's what your son has, but look outside the box - maybe he is unable to cope in a classroom setting for other reasons.

Hi,
I am sorry to hear about your sons behavior problems. My first question to you would be has something changed in your home? Have you always worked as many hours as you are working now? Has his schedule changed as far as how much time he has with mom and dad? Sometimes at such a young age problems at school reflect home life. A really great book you might want to pick up is "The Five Love Languages of Children". Something tells every child (or person for that matter) I love you stronger than everything else. My son's love language right now is "quality time". If my husband and I don't sit down and play or read with him during the day by the end of the day he is a mess. He is throwing fits and acting out in any way he can think of because to him bad attention is better than no attention. your son might feel the same way. It's definitely worth trying.
I hope this is helpful to you.