Mom Excluded Me

I would totally tell her how you feel. I would tell her everything. Maybe write her a letter so you can say everything you need to without being cut off.

I hope this helps, but i just wanted to help you look at the situation in a different way. I would be upset too, if your younger brother was also out of the house and they still did not include you, or if your older brother was home and they included him and your younger brother and not you. The way i look at it is your grown and have your own family, and your younger brother is still under their care, so he is still in their family at home and that is probably why they did it that way. I would hope when they want a picture of the whole family they would wait until it works for everyone! I probably would not mention anymore, i'm sure they already since your feelings have been hurt since you've asked about it. But do what you feel is right.

Hi K.,
I really believe that God gave us parents so we can learn to forgive. We make so many mistakes. And you too will find this out as your son grows up or if you have even more children later. Your mom may also have wounds from you that you never knew about. You may be surprised by what your mom went through when she was growing up with her mom and dad. We are a great race of humans for collecting wounds and broken hearts inside. Just because you come from the same family doesn't mean that you all will have the same sensitivities or thought processes. It takes so much effort to understand each other sometimes. Whether your mom is really insensitive or you are misinterpreted her actions, bitterness will corrupt you and continue to infect down through your son. It is an emotional cancer. Forgiveness will not let anyone get away with anything but will keep "you" free to love. Sometimes if the pain has been going on for a while you can't forgive on your own. Only Jesus can help you rip it out from the roots. And He is very willing to help you. I would like to take this opportunity as an older mom to affirm you. The fact that you are a single 22 year old daughter having a little boy to take care of and on your 2nd year of college! I think you are amazing!!!!!! Wow, your mom is so blessed to have you. You are definitely one to be proud of. Thank you for letting your baby live. Thank you for all the wonderful choices you have made. Thank you for being you. I pray that God will cover you and your heart and show you just how much He loves you and your amazing purpose for this life. I pray He will heal your family and bring you closer than you ever believed could happen. I am proud of you! A.

I definitly would voice that you are hurt and feel excluded. My first thought was that if you were in the picture they would also have to inclued your son and is that possibly the real underlying reason or are they accepting of him and your being a single parent. I give you a lot of credit for being a single mom and wish you the best, my prayers are with you and your situation.
K. S

K., I am so sorry this happened to you. You are understandably very very hurt. You really do need to talk about your feelings with your mom. If anything at least you will know that you have shared your feelings with your family. Maybe they are oblivious to how they are making you feel. Sometimes these conversations go well and sometimes they do not so be prepared. Good luck to you.

Honestly K., not only do you deserve to talk to them about your feelings, but they deserve it too. Many people do things subconsciously without looking at all consequences or possibilities (it’s somewhat human nature unfortunately). By keeping your feelings balled up is not serving you nor are you giving your Mom the chance to make it right. When and if you share your feelings, do it from a place of I without pointing fingers, I guarantee you will get a much further with the response. Stay calm and collected and know that you can only move forward from here. Hang in there, I have a very difficult Mom too and we didn't connect for the longest time, but then I changed my approach to things and it has given her the chance to step into her best self and now we are a lot closer. Good luck and props to you for being a single parent attending school!!
T.

I think that's awful! I would feel really badly if my mom did that to me. I hope that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your mom about your feelings...nothing accusatory or hurtful to your mom (she won't listen if you present it that way)...just tell her how you feel, how you've always felt. My in laws one time told us they were going on a family trip...and didn't invite my husband (he's 9 years older than his brother and 13 years older than his sister). He said he wasn't hurt, but I was apalled! How could they do that...it's like they completely forgot about him once he moved out. I'm sorry you're going through this.

K., you need to have a talk with mom, not just about the picture but about how you have always felt. It might take some counseling to help you both work thru it.

Don't just ignore it. I have a niece that has felt for 51 years that she isn't loved or thought about the same way as her 3 younger sister. It has no chance to get better now, because her mother is 68 and has felt that she had be a great mother and the niece is 51 and feels that she was abused and mistreated all her life.

You are only 22 years old so do something about it now.

good luck

marciab

Many families do photos that show the evolution of the time at home. Since you don't live at home and "Joe" isn't there, it sounds to me like they just did it with your younger brother. That's actually quite normal. Just take it for what it is - a picture with all those who live in the home. When everyone is available (ie. when Joe comes back) I'm sure they will include you because then it will be everyone. I can't imagine they would leave you out when he is there.

Just remember that parents aren't perfect. They're just being themselves. And don't take everything too personally. It really helps in situations like this to give them the benefit of the doubt. And if you are hurt, just tell them that you would like to be included because even though you don't live at home you still feel very much a part of the family.

It was insensitive of your parents to exclude you, you are an equal part of the family.
Yes, you should speak to your parents, but I wouldn't expect your words to carry a lot of impact. However it is important to have them hear you and for you to validate your expectations from them.
As parents, we often make mistakes, usually out of ignorance,it is important to keep communication lines open and honest to grow in any relationship. Your parents need to know their mistake and have the opportunity to make amends.
Good luck and God keep you!

Hi, K.. I am so sorry for your pain. What a burden that adds to your life. And good for you for going to college and keeping your own life on track.

Families are complicated systems. Your problem runs much deeper than can be addressed in this forum. Although I do not agree that this is "your" problem (which implies that you have some fault in this situation), I do highly recommend that you find a counselor that you like and work this out in a way that is healthy for you and your son. Your mom might just be clueless. If you want a strong relationship with your family, it is probably do-able, but everyone will have to be willing to work at it. Since you can change only yourself, that is the best place to start. Most colleges have free counselling available on-campus, which makes it affordable and convenient.

I wish you the best of luck. You sound like an awesome young lady. Believe in yourself and make your decisions based on what is best for you. I guarantee there are people who recognize the good things you do!

You can only control what you do, not the actions of others. Although it is not easy, it's time to move one and build your own life.

Hi K.,

It sounds to me like your mother did not intentionally exclude you. Like other moms have said, you don't live with your parents anymore and you have your own family, so it makes perfect sense that they had a family portrait with just your high school brother. If your older brother had been in town, they may have done a "full" family portrait (and included you, I'm sure), but it sounds like they just had a "basic" picture taken, including only the family members under their roof.

Growing up, my sister was always jealous of me. She was on the honor roll, but I had straight A's. Athletics never interested her, but I was on several sports teams. My parents never treated us any differently, but my sister was always convinced they did. She held this grudge against me for years, and then ultimately gave me the silent treatment at my wedding over something trivial. We haven't spoken since, and it's been 3 years. She refuses to apologize or admit any wrongdoing, because she refuses to "grovel" to me after the way I "ruined" her childhood.

I guess my advice to you would be to really think about things between you and your brother and your parents. Let the past be the past, and certainly don't blame your brother if your parents really DID treat you unfairly. In my case, what would have made my sister happy? If I lowered my own standards and got a B in science? If I decided to sit in my bedroom after school instead of playing sports? And would that have been fair to ME? There really wasn't a solution - she'd probably have a chip on her shoulder no matter what I did. You just have to accept that you and your brother are different, and let it go. All children are different and have different needs, and it just isn't realistic to treat them all exactly the same.

I hope things go well for you and you're able to work things out with your mom.

-A.

You need to stop living to please your mom. She is no longer what's most important - you and your son are. Be mad about it for a day, you can tell her that it hurt you not to be included in the family picture, but in the end you need to get over it and focus on your own family of 2. Maybe you should take this time to have your own family picture of you and the little guy and send a picture to Joe with love. Stop comparing yourself to your brothers. You will never be the same - thank god. Each person is blessed with his own special plan and right now your path is to be mom. Gather up your bootstraps and move on girl!

Yes, I would sit down and talk to her about how you feel (easier said than done)--make sure you use i messages, as to not get her defensive--like I am hurt, i feel... instead of "you"!

Hope it goes well. It is amzing how no matter how old we are, when around our parents we feel like little kids again, and all those hurts come flooding back?

GL:)

my grandma dose the same thing to me i have been a single mom for 13 yr and now i'm get married so It part of life but it is hardd to deal with me & my brother we do't say a things about it but she has her grandkids that she love more then us we are the older ones and now we are push to the side konw so yes i now how you feel about that keep thing good for your in our life better but it will not make a differ to your mother keep happy things going in your life someday she will come aroud to see your ponit of this someday
take care

That sounds really frustrating. Was your younger brother included in the picture? If so, her excuse for not including you doesn't make sense. You have a right to be offended, and she should be aware that she hurt your feelings. All you can do is make her aware of your feelings, though...you can't change her. If you are included just because you made a fuss (ie: pointed out the blatant disregard for your individual value as a family member!), so what. Stand tall, dress up your cute little 2 year old, and take the high road down to the photography studio. Maybe she'll even have the sense to be embarrassed. Hang in there!

I am the 4th of 6 girls. When only my littlest sister was at home (and most of us still live in the area) they had several family pictures and vacations that didn't include anyone but my youngest sister. NONE of us felt slighted or "excluded". She was the only one at home at that time.
I think the other thing to note is that none of us tried to compete with any of the others. We all recognize that each of us has our strengths and weaknesses and different needs at different times.
I don't think this is your parents problem at all. If you have an issue (and obviously you do) I would go to a counselor that you can work out all your insecurities with. They obviously include you in thier lives in other ways and I think you are expecting too much. And if you bring this up with them you are only going to make things awkward between you. They'll feel uncomfortable bringing up your older brother in fear they might offend you. Don't ruin the relationship that you do have with your parents.

K., I think you do need to talk to your mom about excluding you from the family picnic. Dont make a fuss about it, just tell her you need to talk to her about something that hurt your feelings, and explain why, what was said hurt you, chances are your mom didnt intend to hurt you, and if she heard her own words she would see how it sounded

Hey there sweetie..don't get too upset with mom. She really probably didn't mean anything by it. She probably was just doing the 'family at home' thing. I have 6 children with 2 of the older ones having been gone for several years...the 4 at home would be the ones that would be in the "family" pictures just because they were the ones that lived here. However, at Christmas i make sure i get pictures of all 6 of the kids together~

I am finding out as a mom, that many times there are things i do without thinking about it...and then my children are hurt by them when that was not my intention..the older we get the more relaxed we become about traditions and learn to deal with the family changes as children move out. Since you have your own child, start your own tradtion like having a Valentine picture taken each year with your son andthen if/when you have more children and maybe a new partner get one taken with them added~ It is fun to start traditions of our own...it makes your own little family special in it's own right!

I think you should sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel in a non accussing way. Sometimes mothers don't always think of things the way children, even adult children, do. I don't know why she didn't include you in the family photo, maybe it was a oversite and she came up with an excuse, any excuse on why. I do know that feeling over shadowed by a older sibling, or younger one who is doing very well is hurtful. Your parents may not know how you feel though if you don't make it clear in a calm conversation. When you yell it is to easy to miss the important points and make it sound more like a jealous rage. Remember though as parents we all make some mistakes. Forgiveness is very important in all families.

I also want to say no matter how perfect your brother seems, he may have the same insecurities that you have. You are a single mom who is going to school to make your and your son's life better and doing it all at such a young age. Be proud of who you are. I always told my children that the person you need to impress the most is the one who looks back in the mirror. Always look for the good in that person and if there is something you don't like, change it. You are a strong young woman, stand tall and don't worry about being seen as second to anyone.

Sibling rivalries are one of the most destructive elements in family life - as I also know from personal experience (of being the oldest and dealing with a rivalry from the sister next to me in age). I think you probably should tell all three of your "at home" family members - not only your mom, but also your dad and younger brother - that being left out hurt your feelings. Hopefully they will apologize - if so, just accept the apology and say no more about it. Also, do not get into impossible fine points like what their motives are for doing better in the future. No doubt, they will also feel bad about having hurt your feelings, and will sincerely try not to make the same mistake in the future. In that case, let bygones be bygones, and enjoy the family you obviously love and want to continue to be a part of.

I am also a middle child. I have some siblings at home and some not... don't be offended. If your mom chose to do a family picture of just her, your dad, and your other brother, it's really not a big deal. Schedule a family pic once 'Joe' comes home with everyone in it. Stop feeling like you're living in your brothers shadow too... that does no one any good. You have plenty to be proud of for yourself: your child and your education! Be proud!

Krytin,

Why don't you ask your parents to do portraits with you and your son? Then you will be including them. Several years ago my sister did this with my parents and at first I felt excluded but she did give me a copy of pictures of my mom and dad together. So my advise is be pro-active if you want a photo of your family then you make the arrangements.

I just wanted to respond because I completely disagree with Alecia's response. I do not think you need counseling...I think it is normal to feel hurt over this. If it makes you feel better, tell your mom, in a very polite, non-attacking way, that it hurt your feelings. You don't want her to feel attacked and get on the defensive. IT's better to be open and honest with her than to harbor feelings of anger. I'm sure she didn't do it intentionally to hurt your feelings, but it was very insensitive on her part. I would never want any of my children to feel that I loved one of them more. I love them all equally and will do everything I possibly can to let them know that I love them equally, despite all of their differences.. I would use this as a learning experience for yourself. If and when you have more children, make sure that you always treat them equally. Learn from her mistakes.

I have almost the same problem. I have 10 brothers and sisters. My oldest brother gets anything he wants and my parents totally favor him. For example when we bought our house, it took them a year to come out and see it. My older brother bought his house 4 months after we bought ours. His house was only 15 miles away from ours. They came up to see his the day after he moved in, and didn't even bother to come see our house. I kept bugging them asking them when they will come see mine, and why they didn't come see it when they saw his. They could not give me a reason. The same thing happened when I had my son. These things hurt. They hurt bad. They make me feel like my mom only cares about him. Luckily I have brothers and sisters who live near by, and they are going through the same thing. The only thing you can really do is give your parents the benefit of the doubt. For example in your case, they were just getting pictures of the family at home, and it didn't even phase them to get the extended family. I consider you extended family now, because you have your own family. Our in my case,my brother buggs my parents a whole lot more, so they come out to visit him sooner. Remember, it does not matter what your parents think. You have your own family and your son loves you so so much.

I think I know how you feel because I was the only girl with two brothers, too. I knew she loved me ..., when I was younger a bigger deal was made of me, being the oldest and only girl. HOwever when we got older I swear I became invisible. I was still expeceted to take care of all my own problems, and we arranged our lives around the boys. They even got breakfast cooked for them when I didn't. Their music concerts were a big deal, they brought cameras to their concerts but not mine.
I was extremely insulted. My feelings for my parents varied between anger and desperation. Now that I have someone for moral support in my life I can see that I wish I would have just gone off on my own and grown up, done everything for myself and just admit that my parents were just not good enough parents to help my brothers and me adequately.

what a tough thing to be going thru. My advice to you would be to talk with your mom about your feelings. Make sure you do it in love and in a way that doesn't make her feel that you are attacking her parenting methods/decisions. find some positive things to start out with and then address the issue and then end on a positive note as well. I don't know how much time you spend with your mom now, but if you do desire a more positve relationship w/her then maybe it's going to take you both doing things together that you both enjoy. I know it seems it should be the moms place to keep the relationship good. It ultimately takes someone, so it might have to be you. I don't know if you are a praying young lady, but praying for your relationship to get better, will only help. There is power in prayer and it will restore areas in both of your lives where there has been hurt.

I'd say you definately need to let your parents know how you feel. But when you do, though it may be hard since this is a touchy subject, try really hard to not seem upset at them. Because if you do, they might get on the defense and it could turn into an arguement. In my experience, the best way to confront anyone with a problem that i have with them is to act as if they didn't mean to, because most of the time, the person really didn't mean to offend me. So, K., just let them know how you feel, and say it nicely. Be humble about it. If you don't, then things could get worse, and maybe nobody will even know it except YOU. Good luck!

Since your brother and you don't live at home anymore, their family unit is 3. For Christmas pictures, etc, your brother that is away from home and you are grown adults and responsible for scheduling your own family photos. I suggest you schedule a family photo of your own for your little family of 2 and get over it. The status of their family is currently 3.
When your older brother is home schedule a home coming reunion and get family photos of every one.
Our Mom has always favored the youngest sibbling. We loved him and her so we just accepted it, kind of made a family joke out of it. Also I, the only girl, and middle child, had to accept the fact that she is never going to accept me or be proud of me just for me. I now feel sorry for her, it's her loss, and I strive to make a difference in this next generation. I am 55. Can you imagine what she missed out on not getting to know her only daughter? She was so busy telling me how to run my life, judging me, being ashamed of me, she never took the time to listen to me. In 55 years she doesn't know my passions, she doesn't know what I like or dislike, she doesn't even know what I like to do in my spare time. It takes a lot of listening to get to know someone, now she is deaf. Too late. I was depressed for lots and lots of years because I tried so hard to get my mom to be proud of me. What a waste of time.
Accept your relationship with your mother the way it is, it may never change. Get on with your life. Always listen to your child. Get to know the person God is creating in him. Always be proud of him, no matter what.
In your case the oldest is the favorite and more than likely feels way more pressure from your parents and maybe even resents you because they expect so much more from him. Have a long talk with him, be sympathetic about his position in the family, let him know you love him whether he's "perfect" or not, your understanding may give him a lot of relief and bring the two of you closer.

K. it is really to bad I feel for you. Both my husband I are the youngest in our families and no matter how much we do for our parents it is just never good enough. No matter how you put it the older child is always "the good one or the perfect one" they came first and that is that. Lucky my husband and I just finally to each other said enough is enough and we live for each other and our son we don't take it out on anyone we just make sure our little family of three comes first and we have our friends support. I would go ahead and tell your mother that she has hurt you deeply, honesty is the best but don't expect her to see or understand what you are trying to express. I see that you are a single mom just make sure you have a wonderful group of friends around as your support they are the ones that understand you, friends are the family that we choose! Best of luck just remember be yourself and love your self for who you are!

Kristin,

I haven't read the other responses, so sorry if I'm telling you the same old thing. I'm the oldest of 9 and the only one married. If my family had family pics without me I would understand why they didn't ask me- because I just wasn't living there and I have my own family now. However, I'm sensitive and attached to my parents so I would probably pretend playful outrage to them, pout (for their benefit and to give my Dad the opportunity to tease me about not being part of the family anymore), and arrange for another picture to be taken- even if they didn't want it on the wall (but they'd probably put it up for me if I asked). All in good fun, try not to make them feel bad, but make it known you kinda feel left out and want another picture done!
Best wishes,
A.

Yes, I would tell her that you feel hurt about not being a part of the photo and (without attacking her) let her know that you feel less important to her than your brother.
I would be prepared to get a response that may not be as warm and understanding as you'd hoped....I am a therapist and minister and encourage people to do this sort of thing often. Many times it works out that the parent isn't able to really listen to the daughter. If thats the case, that should be a cue about how you go forward in the relationship. How can you be close to someone who can't listen to you when you're hurt?
You are right to ask these questions because it will help you to become a mature adult to stand up for yourself by saying what is real for you; and it will help you be an understanding parent to your own child.
I am a single mother of a 10y/o and my faith has helped me enormously, to be a loving and patient parent. Blessings to you, R.

hi...I'm a sibling to three sisters and a brother and i'm the second youngest. i agree to the brother who is still at home and under wing of your parents. My youngest sister is thirteen years younger than me and she was totally spoiled than all of us and she still is in our adult years. In fact my father just passed away and my younger sister is still getting rewards and benifits. Can't drell over it all, it will make you nuts and mean and may loss the love of your mom. You will be okay, just love them and be you.

Hi, You definentely need to talk to your mom about everything. It will eat you alive if you don't. Just set up a time where you can talk to her one on one and really share your heart.

Well, I certainly don't think that you're being oversensitive. You have a valid reason for you feelings being hurt. My questions are, why is she even doing a family picture if it is so important for him to be in it? And, who else is even going to be in the picture?! If it's a family picture, it doesn't even make sense to not have family members in it.

I'm thinking that even if you feel like you're only being included because you made a fuss about it, do it anyway and smile extra big!!! Then, let it go. It is not worth being upset about any more because that only hurts you. You are the one that has to carry unforgiveness around with you - and it gets heavier and heavier the longer you carry it around. Just choose to love your mom - everyone has things that they do that just don't make sense. Try to just write it off as that and strive to be aware of things that you're doing so you won't do those things to your child.

An amazing parenting book is called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It's my favorite one.

Good luck,
J.

You should definitely talk to your mom. She must not know your expectations of your relationship. I have some similar dynamics in my family, and I make sure to confide in, and include my parents. They don't do things that hurt me, because they know would hurt me. That may sound ridiculous to you, but I promise, it's really true. Talk to her about your feelings. Let her know you are HURT. Dont show anger or jealousy. Just letting it fester (sp?) will only distance you more, and hurt you and your child. Ignoring it and going on with your life without her will hurt you too. Family relationships are very important and totally worth making effort and time for.

hello dear
yes by all mean talk to your mom tell her how you are fealing she will never know unless you tell her