Mistake and Guilt

Since we aren't going into details....

1. Yes. Have been there. Have done that. (Have empathy.)

2. Guilt was a tough one. I felt better after really examining *why* I did what I did and 3. since part of why I did-- if I truly was honest with myself-- WAS in part a passive-aggressive way to end a situation by destroying it, I did decide to end the bad situation without divulging my mistake. Mainly because sharing the mistake with that person would have A. given them something else to focus on instead of what the root problem really was (and thus, becoming a distraction) and B. the mistake I made was symptomatic of the first problem, not THE problem in and of itself. IF that makes sense. :) I let go of the guilt when I realized that it should be a teacher for me. It taught me to be more honest and strong within myself.

1. Yes, did it once, would do it again.
2. Guilt...meh...I try very hard to leave my bags unpacked for those trips. I have an honest ongoing conversation with myself. Why did I choose this path? Has it solved the problem? Made it worse, bigger, badder, uglier, etc.? What did I learn? What that the best path for learning? etc.
3. I try to approach things with a 'rip the band aid quickly' mentality. Distress cannot and should not be avoided but it should be minimized. I find direct is best even if all parties wind up squirming.

Good luck. Sounds like a tricky situation.

You just need to weigh the pros and cons of leaving your husband vs staying. I would try and leave the "mistake" out of the decision making in case the mistake is not going to be a long term commitment. No one can make this decision for you. As far as ending the marriage by telling or not telling, I think I would need to be honest about what I did and suffer the consequences. Your mistake will be found out eventually.

I think you need to look at the big picture.
It's done.
Now, if you feel the guilt you're feeling AND do it again? Not cool.
If it was something you needed to do to put something to rest? Now you can.

Think of it like this:
A husband cheats on his wife and lies, for months, then gets caught. Realizes it was the biggest mistake of his life and realizes he almost blew it. He confesses, apologizes and assures his wife he now appreciates all he has and all that she is. He sees how this devastates his wife, who adores him. He needs to forgive himself. And move FORWARD. Now if his side dish texts him in a few months? If he even responds, then he hasn't learned a thing and he hasn't used the experience to GROW and/or better his reality. Kwim?

Ah well, "mistakes" of the heart generally defy logic we so effortlessly apply to all other situations, true.

In fact, such mistakes can reduce even the most righteous and judicious of us to a quivering mass of foolishness.

I'd like to advise you to STOP THAT NONSENSE RIGHT NOW, but that would be very hypocritical of me, because I have been in the very same place and did it again. And again. And so on.

I think a human's brain is programmed to rationalize and justify its own "mistakes". So even for the lack of guilt, there's backlash, because you can toss it around in your head until it explodes, but at the end of the day, you still know right from wrong, and you're still choosing wrong over right.

It's a question of viewing yourself in a new light.

Usually I despise cryptic questions, but I like this one.

Best to you, either way.

:)

Is this a follow up to, "How do you do it?"

Considering you said you would do it again I feel like guilt is perhaps not the emotion you are actually feeling. I would guess it is fear of being caught because at that point very little is under your control.

I could never do it. I am a hardwired stats geek. I can't look at anything and not see nearly every potential outcome, the likelihood of them happening, and what factors would cause them to happen. In other words I would drive myself insane, and I know this.

Still that is what you are mulling around, I think. You look at your car and think is there something in there that may out me? You ransack your car. Your purse? Okay perhaps not, I am a bit nuts.

I do stand by my analysis that you are feeling fear at the potential loss of control. If that is the case you need to figure out how you work through this within your comfort level. If you are caught, that isn't going to happen.

If you would do it again, it's not really guilt and it's not really a mistake, right? I think if there is something I can't talk to people about (even complete strangers) it's better not to do it in the first place. Honesty has saved me a whole heck of a lot of heartache in my life. There is no living in peace with a mistake like the one I'm gathering from reading the other responses. And it's definitely not a mistake. Like you mentioned, you knew it was wrong but you did it anyways...not a mistake, a decision.

You own up to what you did, apologize to those you hurt (only if you truly mean it), and move forward. You can't change what you did, but if you will keep doing it, you absolutely need to change the situation you are in and make it right.

Been there done that. I know exactly where you are I was right there once too.

In my situation, I got to the place in my heart where I just wanted to do the right thing even if that meant it wasn't going to have what I wanted for the moment. It was tough but it was like going cold turkey from an addiction because I was addicted. When I decided I would do the right thing, I had to make a change in people, places and things. I couldn't do some things, couldn't go some places, and had to do some different things. It was very difficult but it did end the guilt.

Even if at the time I didn't want to admit the backlash of it all there was certainly backlash but it didn't make it into my personal circles.

Ending the drama and deception of it all was the best decision I ever made. it changed my life and now I don't regret a step I made because it has all worked itself out.

The thing is you don't have any idea how things will play out. Even when you have different configurations in your head life never really works out the way you planned.

Walking away and NOT continuing my destructive behavior in this matter was the best thing I ever did for myself and my family. To continue would have been selfish and self destructive.

I hope that helps even though I too was cryptic. LOL

1 - I've done things I knew I shouldn't. Everyone has.
2 - I don't bother with guilt. It's a waste of time, especially if I know I would do it again if given the chance. Own your choices.
3 - I would not knowingly unnecessarily cause pain to another person just to make myself feel better. If their knowing would make THEIR lives better, then I would tell them, but not just to make MY situation easier. I lie in the bed I made.

I try to live me life as honestly as possible. You said that although you feel guilty you would make the same choice again and would perhaps make the same choice in a future situation, even though you know it is wrong.
I have been in a similar situation in the past and felt horrible for the decisions I had made which were completely out of character for me.
What I realized in that situation was that I was not being honest with myself and what I really wanted. I was putting the opinions of others over what I knew needed to change in my life. In the long run I decided it was far worse to continue in a situation that was not right and do things that would make me feel guilty, than to just change the situation. Once I made that decision I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of peace and freedom. My life has turned out the better for it (better than I could have ever imagined at the time) and I know I made the right decision.
So my advice to you is to take a close look at what you really want. You don't want to make yourself a liar and guilty for the rest of your life.
Good luck!

If you would do it again, and you're not really sorry, just worried about backlash, then....I say own the backlash.

When we make the choice to do something that will hurt others, we can't really hope for a free ride for ourselves-as in no discomfort or consequences. So. Own the action. And own the outcome. Authenticity is always best in the very very end, and if something needs to end, then end it.

If a situation needed to end I would end it, not do something that would cause others pain so it could end easier for me. But lets be honest, usually in situations like this the only one you are really trying to protect is yourself. I don't believe in lying just to make myself look or feel better about something.

An affair?

If so, don't tell. No point in causing distress.

1. If you know it's wrong and do it anyway, that's not a mistake. That's a choice. A mistake suggests no culpability. A choice means you willingly took the wrong path and you are responsible. Don't downplay your own responsibility by calling a choice a mistake.
2. You own it. You acknowledge your poor choice and make amends as best you can, even if that means you fall out of favor with someone else. You do the right thing.
3. Can't answer this without knowing details. There are pros and cons to every situation. You must weigh them both and determine the value of each.

Sounds like something went awry after that concert awhile back?

1) Yes, I have, but never anything of magnitude. I mean... eating a big piece of chocolate cake that I know I shouldn't... sure... I'd do that in a heartbeat, and feel just as yucky and badly afterwards. But that only affects ME.

2) The guilt? You need to face it. Own it. And then go from there. Seek forgiveness. Yes, that involves confessing what you did even though it will hurt others. The reality is, that whatever it is is what hurt them, not the confession of it. And if you STILL want to do it again (or WOULD do it again) then you need to be honest in what brought you to the place where you would do so.

3) Not sure I am following this completely. Do you mean would you divorce after confessing, or would you just divorce and stay mum on whatever happened... ? What is the benefit of each? Does confessing whatever it is bring you closure? Are there any other benefits besides closure for yourself? Who is hurt by saying nothing? Who is hurt by disclosing? I would suggest here, that you need to put Others' ahead of your own pain at this point. Sounds like (since you are feeling guilty) that you have put yourself first ahead of the people you are debating "protecting" now... so maybe put THEM first this time.

sigh,honey, ok, look, you did something you knew better then to do, with someone you werent supposed to be doing it with..ok, we have gotten that far, now sit down and think about what the person whom you did this with is thinking, they are thinking, "you know, that was fun, what do i have to do to convince them to do it again, only this time i will remember to turn on the camera first!" stop kicking yourself long enough to look at the situation you have found yourself in objectionably, there are always going to be people around who will be only too happy to trip you up when you make a mistake you would just as soon not own up to, so what do you do? become a monk? believe it or not, the best thing to do to keep from becoming this weeks gossip topic is to walk away from the situation you have found yourself in and not look back..K. h.

Here's how I handle it: It probably wasn't the best thing to do for all involved, but no one died, and it satisfied something in me that, obviously, needed attention.

If I am so self-aware and know that I would likely do it again, then I figure out exactly why it's harmful and why I shouldn't do it again. Then, I see it as a symptom and address whatever I think might be behind it, in the hopes of scratching that itch from a different angle.

I don't spend my energy on feeling guilty. I just move forward in one direction or another. Sometimes it takes that unspeakable act to shake me up to move at all, so I see it as worth the risk, though I'm thankful when it does get to remain my little secret. That way I get an important lesson without it costing me more than my own hurt feelings.

Sometimes we forget that we are still individuals with issues and unlearned lessons specific to who we are and where we come from. And where we are individually going. Every experience, we see through the eyes of others and not through our own. We don't allow ourselves to have our very own personal experiences, and that can wear on us. Then, when we finally do, we feel validated. We don't always have to share the details of the experience with others. It's okay to process them away from those who are so close to us.

However you deal with this will be a process. I don't see it being a one-and-done case, even if you never do it again. Consciously let it be a lesson for you, for whatever you think that you can learn from it. I'm still learning from experiences from yeeeaarrrrssssss ago. Just this morning on the way in, I had a moment of clarity about a years-old experience.

Hi, Boss:

1. There is a problem with someone saying he/she knows doing something is wrong but would do it again anyway!

That's the main issue. The other issues are immaterial.

2. Looking at the issue of right and wrong, or is it an issue about getting a need met?

3. Maybe the guilty feelings is the issue and not whether it was right or wrong.

I know I'm being cryptic, I apologize for it.
This question is right up my alley because I had to learn how to get my needs met without feeling guilty.
Good luck.
D.

It depends what it is.
If you had an affair (gee, and you'd do it again?) is different from yelling at your MIL (you'd do it again but maybe she's REALLY ASKING for it?).

On the one hand you feel guilty but on the other hand if you'd do it again it doesn't seem like you really think what you did was wrong and you feel justified in doing it.

1- No
2 - I don't know.
3 - I'm a rip that band aid off quickly kind of person. If something's has got to end I'd be darn sure it ended once and for all. If it's over, there are no future disagreements - it's over!

I always say don't do something you don't want to own. So, I consider - do I want to stand up and say I did this? If so, go ahead; if not, then reconsider. Holding in secrets and guilt and shame can cause people to turn to drugs and alcohol. Like they say in NA "Play the tape all the way through" when making any decisions.

If this involves making a child's life painful, please don't do this wrong thing. If ...you have made lifelong commitments and you are thinking of breaking them, please reconsider. Please don't emotionally screw over someone else's life just because you want something sinful. That is damn selfish and, immature. It WILL come back and haunt you, somehow, someway. Sin is fun for a short time, but in the end it leaves desolation and destruction.