Miscarriage - Kansas City,MO

It'll get easier in time. I've been there done that 3 times and there's just no easy way through the pain.

Nothing helps but time. There is NO way to understate or to adequately explain to other people the effect of grief and hormones and how they magnify each other.

I was also comforted by the thought that my babies were with my best friend in heaven, who's biggest heartbreak in life was that she couldn't have kids of her own because of her health....

Wait, did I read that right? You JUST lost your baby last Thursday and are afraid it's already time to "move on"?
I hate to break it to you, but want you to *know* that this is a grief that doesn't go away completely. You have lost a child, and the dreams and ideas and plans that you had for your family with that child. You have to re-plan, and re-adjust all that you thought would be. This will not be easy and it will not be quick.
On the other hand, there are lots of us out here that deal with the same grief and we've got your back! My husband doesn't understand how sad I feel about my lost babies either, but I know that you do, and so do all the other mommies who have lost babies. That helps in a huge way!
This may be a year of crying and conflicted feelings about trying again VS not wanting to replace the lost baby. This may lead to wondering what happened and why and will it happen again? This will definitely lead to extreme worry in your next pregnancies, and extreme joy and appreciation in your future babies born.
I know I appreciate my two healthy kids more than life itself because I know how very precious they are and how easily a baby can be lost. I do not take one moment with them for granted and give them millions of hugs and kisses a day.
You will get through this and your life will go on, but you will always remember your baby and love it as individually as you will love all your other children.

I'm so sorry. When babies pass away before birth it seems it is so lonely for the Mother. I know it was for me. I absolutely hated that the baby stuff was so near the milk at Walmart! Every time I had to go get milk I cried! It will get better. You have two things working against you. As if the miscarriage wasn't enough you also have a hormonal shift. Feel free to cry. It helps. Your husband just wants to see you happy and that is normal. We all want those that we love to be happy. Tell him how you feel and I am sure he will be patient and understand. I will keep you in my prayers.

I also believe that there is a reason for everything. I really had a tough time after my two passed away understanding what on earth good could come out of this. I was 31 weeks pregnant with my little girl and 16 weeks pregnant with my little boy and both died in the same year. I was all over God trying to understand his reasoning. Finally I just threw up my hands and said, "I don't get it so could you just help me!" It took awhile. I'm not young and I decided that all this heart ache was just to much. I was done. God threw us a curve and gave us one more. She is such a blessing to all of us. Our entire family love that child with a new understanding of life. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we would have never met this child had either of the other babies lived. One thing that surprises me is that my love for all my children grows every day, even for the ones that have died. I am blessed with six kids. Four of them are living and two of my little ones have died. I believe I have little Saints tugging at my heavenly Father's heart on my behalf. They have showered me with favors from above.

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your baby. I've not yet been through this type of sadness, but have walked this lonely, dark road with many women, both close friends and patients of mine. These things take time---a lot of time to heal. Don't rush grieving. It's healthy and normal. Please reassure your husband that you will be happy again, but for now you can't help but feel sad. It's OK to pull away from social events and gatherings where you will likely feel uncomfortable or emotional. It will get easier, but just don't feel you have to push yourself to be happy. Your emotional reaction when bed shopping is very normal and healthy. I'm so glad you have a supportive husband for that will help so much. Praying for you today that you will find peace and comfort. Nurse midwife Mom

I'm sorry this happend to you. I didn't have a miscarriage per say.....but when I had my first ultrasound simply to size the baby to know when to do the quad screed blood test because of my age, it was revealed that I had twins, and one was measuring 9 weeks and didn't have a heartbeat, and the other was measuring 13 weeks and had a tumor in her abdomen the size of her head! There was nothing that we could do, but carry on, hope and pray for the best but prepare for the worst. One of the so called "high risk experts" that I was referred to said "it's a twin demise, no big deal they happen every day and have been happening for years, the only thing is now we see them because of ultrasound". That was his response because we were crying when he verified what we suspected from an ultrasound with a midwife the day before. I was so p'd I wanted to kick him in the head, and I could have because of where he was sitting, but I just said "well, it doesn't happen to us every day" and we never went back. Our daughter is now a healthy, very happy 7 year old, and some times around her birthday I get sad wondering what it would have been like to have two, and if the other was a boy or girl etc, sometimes seeing twins tugs at my heart . It definitely will stay with you, but with time you'll be able to reflect without crying so easily....it takes time. God bless you!

Your husband acts that way out of fear that you will be sad forever, and he can't just snap his fingers and fix it for you like he wants to. Men are like that, fixers by nature. He may also be hurting a lot himself and just can't express it to you. He will never understand how you feel - the grief, loneliness, hormones, jealousy of others, anger... I get it. We have been through four rounds of fertility treatments over the past 10 months and we only got as close as one early miscarriage. We do have two kids, but that doesn't make the pain of what we have been through just go away. In a way, it is even harder because I wonder how far we should push this or if we should just let it go. If I didn't have kids, I know I would go on until I had one, that it just my nature. Not knowing which way to turn is a horrible hell! I understand where you are coming from.

I am still raw and angry and not enough time has passed for me to feel better, but others do say time will help. My therapist says the same thing. The "everything happens for a reason" line is hollow and gives no comfort at times like this, so do NOT feel guilty if you just plain don't buy into that. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you feel and just go with it. This sounds awful, but if I see a pregnant woman and I am in a low place, I just look away and don't let myself feel guilty for the thoughts I am having at that moment. Denying what you are feeling will only make it come back even worse when you least expect it. Been there, done that! I hope things turn around for you and you get the answers to your prayers.

My husband wanted to be strong for me but also grieved. He just felt if he let it out then I would have no-one to lean on. He was being strong for me, but later told me that it was very hard on him too. We had a new baby about a year and half after my miscarriage at 12 weeks and the joy of the new baby overcame the sadness of the lost one. Don't assume that your husband is wishing you would be over it - talk to him and let him know you are very sad, but that you will be joyful again. My girls are now 14 and 11 and I rarely if ever feel sad about the lost one.

My heart goes out to you in your loss. Time is a great healer and believing there is a reason for everything will help as well, though doesn't make it easy. Maybe it's God's way of fixing something that wasn't right to begin with or He has another plan for you right now. Feeling sad, angry, tearful, crying, are appropriate emotions at first, then later will come acceptance, which are stages one goes through in grief. It may take several weeks to go through the process. Good that your husband is supportive!

I am sorry for your loss. Check around your local hospital (ask the chaplain) to see if there is a support group in your area for parents who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth or neonatal death. These people have experienced your pain and can give you some healthy insights into the healing process. It does take time and a good support system.

I've had 3 miscarriages. We all grieve in our own way. No O. way is right for everyone. And, yes, sometimes a place, date, song, etc. will trigger a response like what happened to you in the store. Bets to acknowledge your feelings, feel what you feel and so forth. No grieving mom can be expected to "suck it up" and move on. Your husband may be taking this a lot harder than you think and he may be looking for you to be his rock. My husband took our miscarriages very hard and tried to put on a strong front. Talk to him.

I just wanted to send a great big hug your way!!! I am so so sorry for your loss!!! i have no words of wisdom to give to you though I really wish i did. I would talk to friends or family if that helps, get the support here from women who know what you are going through, maybe try to talk to your husband, he may be feeling the same as you but doesnt know how to express it or maybe he is trying to be a rock for you during this time.

I was pregnant and lost my second baby about 7 weeks into my pregnancy. When I got the phone call and they said my pregnancy horomone was low and that I miscarriage it was so hard. I cry for days. It took some time. Then shortly after about 2 months later we found out that I was pregnant again.I was scared with that pregnacy b/c I felt like I was going to miscarriage again.But I didn't and we had a beutiful,healthy baby girl!! I still do from this day,every April(that would be the month the baby would be born in) that comes around that he or she will be this age. Its perfectly normal to have these feelings. Means you have love in your heart. After that miscarriage I had two more healthy babies. :) All I can say its takes a while to move on. But lucky you had a supportive husband. My husband didn't know how to act around me. He told me things would work out and so on. And they did!! I'll be praying for you!!! Things will get better for you!! Just get all the love and support from your husband and love ones at this time. :)

I was the same situation several years ago. My husband had that, "well, let's move on" attitude. It hurt. I have to say though, even the best of husbands really don't know how it feels to carry life, then lose it. Even though you weren't far along it is no less devastating. I have to admit, even now, 10 years later, I still mourn for my baby. They are always a part of you. I am SO sorry for your loss.

yes, visuals will trigger you....even dates on the calendar.

I found this to be true with the death of our beautiful daughter, not so much with the miscarriage before.

For me, the important part of healing was acknowledging my grief.....& not trying to tough it out. For me, embracing the loss....saying a prayer....& even crying - was all a part of the healing process. When I tried to contain my needs, I became out of control...it was simply too much.

I wish you Peace.

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Please give yourself time to grieve. Even if its just in the shower. (that's where I did mine). I am surprised that you were strong enough to even go to the store parking lot let alone go into the store. I couldn't look at another baby or baby item for months. I wouldn't let my husband near me romantically for months.

No one can tell you how to heal from this. Everyone heals at their own pace. I will tell you that men get over this way faster. I discovered my miscarriage Sept 30, 2005 at 11 weeks. Not sure when it actually happened. We'd been monitoring for 4 weeks. Hubby was ready to move on within days. It was January before I would let him kiss me. Our anniversary was within that time frame to and he was NOT happy with me.

My point is that you have to be strong and go through your daily routine for your kid(s), but you need time to heal and grieve and there is no wrong way to do that.

Hugs.
M.

CJ,
First let me say I'm sorry for your loss. As I can see by the number of responses, you will find you are not the only one to go through something like this, but it doesn't make it any less sad. I suffered my first miscarriage 9 years ago, I now have 2 beautiful boys, and it still makes me sad to think about that day. For me personally, it helped me to stop wasting energy on trying to figure out "the reason" and focus on blessings I did have. I physically started writing something down each day I was thankful for to help pull me out of that pit. It was hard--I went through a very ugly time where I resented everyone from my best friend to my sister-in-law because they were pregnant. Take time to heal and do something nice for yourself. Allow yourself to be sad and grieve the loss of the life you were excited about. Best of luck to you.

I am so sorry for your loss, CJ. I mirror what the other mamas are saying... you've gotten some great advice.

I know a very sweet woman who recently lost a baby and that experience opened her eyes about the few resources that we have when experiencing miscarriage/stillbirth. She's started an amazing website www.stillbirthday.com in the hopes that she could help others who experience such loss. There are also resources for dads. I wanted to share that with you.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

It is going to take time to heal it won't happen over night.If things become worse call your Dr. or seek talk therapy to help you cope.

Hi C J,

I went through this last September. Well a year ago now. I was 10 weeks. My doctor told me that it would be a total grieving process and at about 6 weeks the depression would hit. Boy was she right. I totally understood the realism of a miscarriage, why it happens etc but it didn't prepare me for the emotional blow that I still took. My husband and I talked about it even though I didn't really know what to say. It helps to talk to people that you know have been through it. And talk to your doctor about it openly. If you feel sad, tell her or him. It has been a year and I can now talk about it without crying. It does get better, it just takes time to heal those wounds. I am truly sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for you loss and it is normal to feel very emotional. Along with your grief there is a hormonal aspect of what you have gone through. You will feel better and this won't continue. Please realize that it is better to have a miscarriage than a child with multiple disabilities who may have to endure tons of medical procedures. Try to relax and know that everyone is supporting you and praying for you. Take care..

Ah, so sorry for your lose. I can only imagine how painful this is for you and others who have gone through this in their lives. You have every right to be upset, but maybe you should talk with someone until you feel a littlbe better.
A pastor, counselor or someone to help you. Gob Bless you and your family.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how different things can trigger the feeling of loss and the grief. All I can say is..... it takes time. And you have so much going on right now.....more than anyone should have to handle at one time.

As for your husband.....it's wonderful that he is supportive. And if you get the feeling that he doesn't quite get it, it's because he doesn't. As soon as we know we are pregnant, we start bonding with our baby. We carry the babies, so it's easy for us to do it immediately. Oftentimes, it is not until the baby is born that the fathers feel any kind of bond. So it IS harder for them to understand the great feeling of loss we have when we miscarry. I had to explain this to my husband. Like yours, he was supportive, but I could sense the "move on" attitude from him. After I explained how I felt, he realized that it was a much bigger loss for me, and he was much more understanding.

Blessings to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

First of all, it is a totally normal reaction. I did not have a miscarriage, but I did lose a baby girl to SIDS. You will no longer be what everyone else calls normal, welcome to the new normal, you will define it for yourself as you continue to recover from your loss. You and your husband will each have your own new normal and the two of you together will have a different normal from others around you, and that is ok. You are the ones that lost a child. You may want to look for an infant and pregnancy loss group. SHARE is a great one.
I don't think your husband wants you to suck it up. I think seeing you hurt hurts him, because he is supposed to make everything ok, and he couldn't this time. So his hurt is different than your hurt even though you both lost a baby together. He feels he should be able to protect you from hurting, you feel that it is your job to keep the baby safe etc... you both lost the baby, but you also both have different grief as well, don't let it drive you apart because you don't understand what the other is feeling, or think you know what the other is feeling, talk to eachother, understand eachother, and know that there was nothing that either one of you could have done differently.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but with time the pain will be less sharp and there will be joy again.
I too had to avoid places where I might see other babies, sleeping babies, I just had the strong desire to wake them up, or pick them up. If it was at church there were moms that would let me hold their little ones so I could feel that little one against my shoulder and breath on my neck that I missed so badly but strangers babies I couldn't stand.
Time heals, just make the effort to heal eachother.
hugs to you both.

L.
Katie's mom

CJ - I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious baby. Please know that you are not alone. So many of us have gone through the pain of miscarriage but even so, you can feel terribly alone while you're grieving. Reaching out to other women who understand can be a significant help. Be sure to give yourself the time to grieve, fall apart, sort things out, heal, and hope again. Grieving this loss is a PROCESS and can take quite a while. There is no formula and no right or wrong. Do things to remember your baby in whatever way feels right to you. I lost my Katie 8 years ago (on Sept. 5th) and you never forget, just learn to live differently. I have a website that might offer some help to you. Please visit and I will be praying for you.
www.heavenborn.com
M. Day
Heaven Born Founder
Comforting Moms, Honoring Babies

CJ, i'm so sorry for your loss. i miscarried twins at 11 weeks, and i can say that was the hardest thing i've ever gone through. i think it's particularly hard when you've already got a child and you know exactly what you've lost. for weeks afterwards, i couldn't talk to anyone and just cried. make sure you give yourself the time to grieve. and don't be afraid to tell your husband and those around you that you need space to do this. not that you want to be ignored, but you need some silent support. before i miscarried, i always thought i would take a very clinical/medical approach to it, should it ever happen to me: that there was some biological reason why the baby couldn't survive and that this was the body's natural way of dealing with it. I found it nearly impossible to feel that way when i was in the midst of grieving for our lost baby, though. However you choose to deal with this tragedy, is the right way for you. Talk to your husband, tell him how you're feeling and what you need from him. Whether that's some extra cuddling, not to be touched, to have him field phone calls from family/friends, whatever. I'm sure he's just as hurt and just as lost on how to deal with this and knowing what you need, gives him something concrete to go on.

Hugs to you during this very difficult time.