MIL Plays Favorites

tell MIL that you'd appreciate her giving love and affection to the baby so he will know he is loved because that is probably why the 3 year old is so sweet.

Other than that just avoid it and be extra attentive to the baby when she is there tending to the 3 year old. In every father children are loved and treated differently and it really is not ideal but not as big of an issue as it might seem.

Is your mother in law married, does she have a husband that you can go to or that your husband can go to, maybe he can talk with her if the talk your husband had with her didn't work.

I would not like to suggest this, but I can't think of anything else that would work, tell her if she can't spend time with the equally and fairly, and stop saying not nice things about the younger one, that she cannot spend time with either one of them at all. its not right, and definitely should be taken care of while they are young and won't remember much.

either that or try and get your husband to have a stronger conversation with her,

good luck!

D.

Hi K. - The answer to your dilemma is simple but difficult. Keep that toxic woman away from your children. Not only will she damage them, but she is also disrespecting your authority in front of them (ignoring your request and doing what she pleases instead.)

The time is now to begin to protect your children from toxic people and relationships. If all that you say is true with nothing else to add, she needs to be kept away.

Simple? yes. Difficult? Yes!

Your son needs to tell her that until she treats both boys equally she cannot spend time with them at all. If that isn't going to happen, perhaps she can spend special alone time with the 16 month old. If she is doing it purposely, shame on her and she needs to be told that she cannot do that. But if she is doing it by accident, you could say, I'm not sure if you have noticed it or not, by my younger son notices that you spend more time with my older son and he is taking it very personnaly, would you mind spending today concentrating on the younger one? That may work. I know that I accidentally spend more time with my 3 year old nephew than I do with my almost 5 year old nephew, only because the older one doesn't ask me to hang out with him, but the younger one asks me. the older one is just quieter and less demanding. So it could be by accident. Let's hope that is the case. Good luck!!

My MIL does the same with our two. she significantly favors my son who is older, over my daughter. My kids are now 10 and 12 and this favoritism has become a huge issue. My son is now aware of her favoritism and he is very uncomfortable with it. My daughter thinks my MIL hates her and refuses to go and visit (My MIL lives at the beach and often offers to take the kids for beach days) My advice is nip it in the bud now. Talk about how different your kids are in personality and that is okay. Maybe consider having your MIL spend some 1 on 1 time with your younger child. I wish I had done more to nip our situation in the bud when the kids were younger so I wouldn't be in the situation I now find myself in. Be upfront with her. In our case, my MIL got to spend alot of time with my son when he was small and not so much with my daughter, I think that has a lot to do with it, she just doesn't know my daughter like she does my son. And my two are very different personalities. Good luck!

sounds familiar to me but with an aunt..

she tries to make a big deal about the well behaved child in hopes that the other will notice and be more like him.
it doesn't work.
You have to use words to explain things.. especially to a baby. They aren't mind readers. and they don't learn from watching.

Tell her that you won't allow your younger son to be neglected while in her care so she can't take either of them to go anywhere.

honey, it's time for a little chat with MIL. lay it out for her: it's not okay to treat my sons so differently. yes they are very different personality-wise, but each has his good qualities. your younger son is not old enough to understand MIL's actions; he will likely take it as a personal rejection (which it is) and conclude that he is not lovable and pursue even greater feats of stubbornness to prove it.
if she refuses to listen, it's time to tell her that it seem that son #2 takes after his grandma -- stubborn, forceful and opinionated.
good luck!

My grandmother was actually that way. Not as extreme. But my sister and I once overheard her telling my mother that she likes my brother the best. And she would always sneak him money, things like that. It was somewhat hurtful, although different from your situation she also did show my sister and I lots of love too.
I think at this point, you need to strategize with your husband. What do YOU want to do. Is it so extreme that you should cut off ties with her? Is it time to give her an ultimatum - change your behavior or there will be no more visits? I think only YOU can decide how much damage this is doing to your youngest and weigh that against never seeing her again.

What a child this woman is! Seriously she prefers the older child to a 16 mo old?! I think it is totally normal for some people to prefer one child over another personality-wise, but it is not okay to show that with favoritism. I would tell her she simply will not see the children at all if she cannot behave appropriately. I think it is your husband's responsibility to confront his mother though.

We don't have this problem in our family but I had a great aunt who had a favorite in each family. I was it and she always doted on me, made my favorites and gave me better presents. I think my sister still has issues about it (we're 40 and 38!). It would be so much worse if it were a grandparent. Absolutely call her on this and nip it in the bud! Sorry you have to deal with this.

Oh don't ya just love MIL's?!!!! I would flat out confront her with your hubbie at your side and tell her she cant play favorites. I would also tell her if she cant trat both equally then she wont be able to see either one of them. I grew up with a grandmother who doted heavily on boys and left me in the dust. It def causes a rift and some self esteem issues.
Good Luck!

Hi K.: I think you are in a very tough position and my gut instinct is that you are doing the right thing by wanting to protect and stand up for your younger child. It is wonderful that you recognize that your children are distinct in their personalities and each the lovelier for it. I wonder if a consultation with either a family therapist or a family advocate of some kind would give you and your husband some concrete ideas of how to address this further with your MIL. What you describe, regarding how she treats your son is just plain mean and she shouldn't be allowed to treat him that way. Maybe she needs to know that you won't tolerate it and therefore the time you all spend together will have to change unless SHE changes. Good Luck with this very tough situation. C.

Hi K.. I have the same issue with my MIL and my friend also has the same issue. Is your husband, by any chance, the middle child of his family? Mine is! I attribute some of this to that fact. My girls are 7 and 4 and she has always favored the oldest. 7 yr old, like yours, the sweeter of the 2 and less aggressive than the 4 yr old. What I have done is made her spend more time with the 4 yr old, alone. My 7 yr old is always pretty busy anyways, so that is a perfect excuse. This way MIL gets more time with the younger and has a chance to get to know her more. I still see favorites and she still make comments about how good the oldest is and how bad the youngest is, but I can see it improving everyday. Good Luck!!

Hi K.,

Normally, I would just say let it be. It is not unusual for people to be attracted to certain personality types.

Like it, or not, we all pick favorites. but, being more naturally drawn to one person doesn't mean we don't love another.

In this case though, I will admit it seems your MIL is being hurtful. She should know better than to show obvious favoritism even if she is more attracted to your older son.

You need to confront her and let her know how you feel. If she is defensive and does not appreciate your concerns, then I would say you are not out of line limiting her contact with your boys. I hope you are able to work things out. I know I didn't have much concrete advice, but, I wanted to give you some moral support.

J. L.

It sounds just like my situation. I have 3 kids and my MIL only likes to take my son, the oldest. She likes to take him because he's a couch potato( I don't let him be), but when he goes to her house, she jsut has him watch tv all the time. She always takes him on days that my middle child has gymnastics so she uses that as an excuse not to take her. If she does take her, she complains that she talks too much and wants to be right next to my MIL all the time. I also have a 13 mo old daughter that she has only baby sat once and it was only because I had to put my dog down. She took the extra crib down the week my daughter was born. I have spoken to her many times and she promises to take my daughter the next time. I even send packages of cookies for them to make together. My daughter loves that. She is the most well behaved little girl too and is a pleasure to be with. Sometimes I feel like she's my friend more than my daughter like days when we go shopping at the mall and she's only 4.
I know this was a lot about me...sorry you hit a sore spot with me too. I hope things get better.

I hear you! Nothing you can really do about it though. Just talk to your husband about it & if he agrees that she plays favorites the 2 of you need to sit down & tell her in a nice way. However it won't make a difference & she will get defensive & continue her "favortism" ways. But at least get your feelings out & let her know how you feel.
Happened to me with my own mother, nothing has changed!