MIL Is at It Again

ETA: J B, That might work with grandparents who are reasonable. These aren't. I believe it's not safe to leave their son with them. There is a history of grandparents emotional instability to include some sexual inuendos. I would seriously limit their time in my house.
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I assume you've verbally sympathized with them. That is important to getting them to comply.

If there is a way to block texts, I'd do that. If you xan't block them, ignore them. When they call have your husband answer. Say I know you're upset about this. It does hurt to not see your grandson until Labor Day. I'm also upset because you are not accepting my decision. Please stop calling and texting about this. If you continue, I will not answer the phone. Or whatever you decide.

They know what you're saying. They are bullying you in hopes to change your mind. Your husband could call them and tell them to stop the texts and phone calls. Perhaps tell them that if they continue you won't see them until October.

Because their goal is to beat you down, you cannot convince them with reasons and explanations. Stop trying. Remember this is your decision. You are adults and never have to explain your choices. When we explain, we're giving the idea that if they may be able to change your mind especially when they think the reason is not good.

I would not respond to texts. I would not take phone calls. They are acting like children. What would you do if your 14 yo son badgered you? I've had a teen who kept asking. I told him that if he asked again I would not "hear" him. I then ignored him.This helped.

If you use a cell phone, I think you can block calls. If you don't want to block them, tell them you're only taking calls if they do not bring up the summer. When they start tell them you're hanging up and do it.

They have sucked you in by believing you have to convince them. You are not responsible for their happiness. They have turned this into a drama. Step back and think about what you can do to take the stress off you. Take care of yourselves.

I remember your previous posts. I'm glad you went to your parents. Your husband caved to his parents. They have had success by bullying so they continue. Your husband has to stand firm. Apparently, he thinks he has to do what his parents say. He hasn't made the break from his parents. He still feels he has to please them. Somehow, his parents bring out the child.in him. I suggest counseling might help.

Your in laws are lucky to even be able to see your son. I hope their time with your son is supervised. I think you're more than generous with vist time.

Remember you and your husband are in charge of how you spend your time. I would make it very clear that they have to ask your husband if the time is OK. When they just show up, do not invite them in. Do not try to appease them. Be firm and consistent. I suggest you plan when it's a good time to visit and invite them. You and your husband take charge. It is your time and your house. I don't remember if they stay overnight. If they do, make it clear that you aren't able to have them overnight.Don't give them a reason. Just say, in a calm and respectful way that this is the way it's going to be.

If your husband knew his parents planned to visit you an your vacation and said nothing to you, he's taking the easy way out. He needs a backbone. They weren't invited. Why did you spend time with them? I would've told them I had plans that don't include you. Bye! I would be angry with my husband.

Your husband's need to please his parents is having a serious negative effect on your marriage. I wouldn't stay married if he didn't learn how to have boundaries with his parents. I would not do what his parents want even if my husband allowed them to control his life. I would seriously think about leaving the house with your baby when they come unannounced. If they stay the night, I'd go somewhere else for the night. Your husband has it too easy when he allows his parents to decide how you and your husband spend your time. Let him know you are taking charge of your time. He will be between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes we have to feel consequences before we're able to make good decisions. He's an adult and has the responsibility to keep his family safe. A man/woman leaves their parents to make a new life.

As to the kidnapping threat, I would not answer her. I would be sure he's not left in a spot from which he could be kidnapped. If your husband wants to respond he should remind them kidnapping is a felony and he will press charges.

Summary: stop trying to get them to understand. Don't talk about your decision with them. Don't even listen to them. Your only response should be the repetition of not until Labor Day.

Usually, I'm one of those people who believes there are two sides to every story.

However, there are cases where one of those sides is just toxic, unhealthy, and inappropriate.
I believe from reading your posts that your MIL is one such case.

The first thing that guides my answer to you goes back to one of your earliest posts. Regardless of her motivation or stated reasons, anyone who takes sixteen photos if her grandchild's genitalia---and only genitalia----is not someone who should be allowed around any child unsupervised. I'm not saying she's a predator or pedophile. What I AM saying is that she is completely and utterly inappropriate and shows such gross errors in judgement and personal boundaries that she is not someone who should be granted the care of a helpless minor. When she threw a fit when confronted about her actions and kept diminishing the seriousness of her actions and continued to refuse to delete the photos until she was basically confronted by you, your husband, and her husband---all of those things confirm that she is the kind of person who is toxic and someone who must be managed from a distance.
If this sounds calculated, it is. She's not going to change, so you have to change your behaviors when dealing with her.

You have been gracious to her, despite her actions, and have allowed her and FIL to be part of your lives on a regular basis. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT to inform ANYONE, family or friend, what will and will not work for your schedule.

So, what do you do? Well, you've said that you aren't available until Labor Day. Do not back down from this. Repeat that you will not be available until that first week in September. If they still show up at your door prior to that time, be prepared to be on your way out the door. You are going to have to plan ahead for this to stay several steps ahead of your MIL. Seriously, have a bag of work for you and baby gear, toys, and snacks for your son ready to go and head to the nearest library, coffee shop, or friend's house.

Do not bend, and do not allow them to impose themselves on you just because they drove for 5 hours, because if you do, then you will have just written your MIL a blank invitation to do this to you for the rest of her life. You have to be firm now, mean what you say, and be prepared to follow through with what you told her: you are NOT available until Labor Day.

Don't respond to her comments about "kidnapping" the baby. He's not going anywhere with her. You don't have to give her reasons.

Don't respond to repeated texts. You've already told them you are not available until Labor Day. A reasonable, mature person accepts when another adult tells us they are not available. Reasonable, mature, respectful people don't continue to badger other people to try and get their way. Reasonable, mature, respectful people accept when someone tells them, "no" and they deal with it. With these continued emails trying to badger you and wear you down, your in-laws are showing you they are NOT being reasonable, mature, and respectful. When people act disrespectfully toward you, you do NOT owe them continued responses beyond your initial answer. Do not respond any further to these texts.

It sounds like your husband has made some progress and is beginning to set boundaries around your identity as a couple and a family and that is a good start.

I URGE you and your husband to go to family therapy. It's great that he's getting more on board with you and standing up to his mom, but I will tell you the power of a toxic parent is so powerful, and it's really, really hard not to fall back into that firmly entrenched role of pleasing and appeasing. Working with a therapist who specializes in marriage and family issues with help you and your husband strengthen your boundary as a couple and as a family and will be invaluable to you because you are going to have to "manage" your MIL for as long as she lives since she isn't going to change.

ETA: In the future, do not share any details of vacation plans with them. It is entirely inappropriate that they showed up unannounced and inserted themselves into your vacation. If your husband knew about this ahead of time and said nothing to you, that is something to work on in couples therapy.

Wishing you the best with this

I have been where you are.

After extensive family counseling, meetings with my husband's family's minister, and 14 years of trying different approaches - we're back to taking a bit of a break from my MIL.

Does your MIL have emotional/mental health problems? What was your husband's childhood like?

My MIL was abused and never got help. So she doesn't understand boundaries. That they are a good thing. She allowed her own children to be emotionally abused by her mother. So she's not coming at being a grandmother from a healthy place. She wasn't the healthiest of mothers. Not her fault - but it's good to know what you are dealing with.

My husband had to learn that it's ok to say no to someone who cries. My MIL brings up her childhood - to get her way at Christmas, etc. He's learned to say "I'm sorry about your childhood but that's not my responsibility. This doesn't work for us. We will see you on such and such a date." and hang up if needs be.

Then - if she keeps it up he says "If you can't respect our decision, then we won't be seeing you."

That's super hard for a son to say to his mother. Your job is to support him. Back him up.

My MIL still tries to bully me every time she sees me. And I say "Now what did (hubby) say about that? Then why are you asking again?" and I just stop the conversation.

I don't take calls or texts. She doesn't even have my cell.

I recommend counseling. It's very hard on marriages. You have to be united in how you will approach it.

If you don't tell them your plans to go on trips, they can't invite themselves along.

Next time they call and tell you they are coming, tell them, "This isn't a good time." If they say they have already booked a hotel tell them, 'That's too bad. Had you asked me beforehand, you wouldn't have wasted your money." Do NOT offer to reimburse them.

If she says she's going to "kidnap" your baby, remind her that kidnapping is a federal offense.

If they show up and expect you to let them take your son, you tell them, "No" and close the door. You are not obligated to let them in the house, much less let them take your kid, whether it's to another state for a week or to the end of the driveway to meet the ice cream truck.

If she's harassing you by phone or text, block her number.

ETA: Gamma G - no way would I allow someone else to run me out of my own home.

So glad things with your husband are working out! Just stick to your guns and keep telling them the dates you can have them. Their intrusion on your vacation and lives would drive me nuts! Don't pay for hotel rooms she aggressively booked without your okay. That's her problem. I give you credit for getting past the whole baby photos thing. I don't know if I could be that big of a person. And I agree to NEVER let her be alone with your son and put that in your wills, just in case! She has some major boundary issues!!!

Well, for starters, I wouldn't have offered to reimburse her for the hotel she booked if she couldn't cancel it without penalty. She knew when she booked it you'd said no visit then. She chose to do it anyway. Let her pay the price (literally) if need be. With no benefit.

Ordinarily, I would suggest looking at this as a gift horse, providing you a chance to work unimpeded on prep for school. But, with the background in your particular situation, I would say that you and husband need to continue to enforce boundaries. Don't give in now or you will NEVER get them to respect any.

Don't respond to the texts they are sending you at all. Defer to husband completely at this point. Sounds like he is totally on board with you, and that is a blessing you may not fully comprehend at this point, but soooooo many women do not have support of their husbands in issues like this. You are way ahead of the game in that regard.

Just tell husband that you aren't going to reply to any more texts about visits for now. If he wants to text his parents back (or call) and simply inform them that neither of you will reply to any more texts on this subject... you've already explained you are too busy to accommodate a visit, and all the texts on the same subject are exhausting. You don't have the energy to reply to these any more. Then don't. Just hit delete.

IF they show up as a "surprise" just refuse to answer the door. Ignore it. Seriously. Let husband choose to open it and tell them sorry, no room at the inn, and no bathroom, either, if he wants.

People who are so pushy and self centered really bug me.

i would respond to the kidnapping text with a reminder that police don't like it when people kidnap children and you would be happy to work with them in the event she tries to take your son. as for visiting when your not avalable... she can stay in the hotel nearby, and your door can stay shut. you don't have to answer the door just because someone has knocked on it. and if she wants to stay in your town while you stay elsewhere at a conference or a wedding then so be it, your busy. show her that your busy. don't accomodate, do what you gotta do and basically ignore what shes doing. she should get the hint that your busy and that next time she should listen and wait till you say you have time to accomodate her.

These people don't understand boundaries do they?
There is no getting them to understand.
They will continue to badger you until they get their way.
And I really think your MIL is a pervert.
I'd consider informing them that if they show up un invited on your property then you will call the police and have them escorted off your property.
I like Gamma's idea of you leaving with your son until they are gone and letting your husband deal with them.
They'll be livid - they seem to really want to get their hands on your son - and I really would consider them to be a kidnapping risk.
Keep track of communication/badgering from them - and consider issuing a cease and desist letter against them.
You might eventually need a restraining order.
I've got to wonder if they abused your husband when he was a child.
There is just something so very off about them.
I'd also stop telling them when/where you're going on vacation.
Only tell them about it after the fact.
If they show up at your home uninvited and no one is there - they can be as mad as they want to be - you don't answer to them and don't owe them any explanations.

Additional:
"I recognize how important it is that my son have a relationship with his grandparents.".
There are exceptions to every rule.
I'm thinking your in-laws are toxic - and there is NO WAY that it is important for your son to have a relationship with toxic people whether they are relatives or not.
I'm really leaning towards restraining order - you're going to need one.

http://themamabeareffect.org/blog/5-things-that-turn-off-...

The problem in this scenario is that you want your in-laws to understand your perspective.

That probably isn't ever going to happen. They don't want to understand and don't care anyway. Your task is to have your boundaries and learn to not give a flying leap when they get upset about it.

Keep information close to the vest. Don't talk about upcoming vacations or plans with them, and they won't be able to just show up at the zoo. Do not speak about any topic that you don't want them to be involved in.

I'm pleased to hear you and your husband are seeing therapists/counselors. Keep up the good work!

Just because someone thinks your situation would be a blessing to them, doesn't make it a blessing to you. Your in-laws have very serious boundary issues - you have been upfront with them about your schedule limitations, and they have chosen to take it as an affront to what they perceive as their "right" to your son.

I am relieved to see that your husband is supporting you on this issue. The time for being "firm but nice" is over - they are infringing on your personal life, and causing you undue stress & anxiety. This is not acceptable, regardless of their status as family.

Let them know that they are welcome to travel where ever & whenever they wish, but any dates prior to Labor Day weekend will be spent on their own - you & your husband are unavailable. You are not obligated to pay for their hotel room (don't allow them to make any type of emotional blackmail on that level), and if they aren't willing to make plans for Labor Day weekend, then they will need to wait even longer for your schedule to be open enough to accommodate a visit.

And then stick to it. If you don't make concessions when you speak (text, whatever) to them, the message will come through clearly, & it will be obvious if they are purposefully choosing to ignore it, versus misconstruing what you might have meant.

There are a few websites I found (Google search on "what to do when your family doesn't respect your boundaries") that deal with boundary issues such as you are experiencing (links below). T

he first one makes a good point - think about what your goal is in the relationship, & whether or not that is attainable - if not, are you willing to modify the goal, or forego the relationship? Your son is only 7 months old now, you have many years to come of situations with your in-laws. How you manage them at this point will help to set the stage for impositions in the future.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/how-to-...
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Difficult-Relatives

Best of luck. Make sure to discuss this with your husband ahead of time, so that you are both on the same page, & can support each other in standing up for what you have communicated, in this situation & going forward. And let him know, he's a good guy for the support he's already given - it's hard for all of us to stand up to the family that we have fallen into patterns with over our lifetime. T. :)

Sit your husband down and let him know that if his parents show up you are going to leave until they are gone. You will rent a hotel room in another town and he won't know where you are until they are gone.

He has to manage his parents. I understand where they're coming from though. This child is part of their family whether you like it or not. I do think that you are trying to control a very hard to control situation.

Let me see if I fully understand, because this seems like a no brainer. You and your husband are swamped until Labor Day, and your inlaws want to spend as much time with your baby as possible. This is WONDERFUL! Since y'all are so busy, let them take him for a few hours a couple days a week. Or every day for that matter! I assume you take your baby to daycare since you and your husband are so busy during the day - so instead of paying for expensive childcare, it appears that your inlaws would be delighted to provide you with free childcare! You can drop off your baby at your inlaws house every day or 3 days a week (or whatever y'all decide), but if their home isn't baby-proofed, or if they don't have a crib or pack n play, then let them care for your baby in your home all day long while you work. This seems like a win-win situation for everyone - they get to see their grand baby all the time, and you and your husband get free childcare while being extremely productive and getting a ton work done! Bonus - this will all take place during the day, so you won't have to play host in the evening, which is what you don't want. So, have I misunderstood? Because this seems wonderful to me. EDIT: Oh my goodness, I had no idea your MIL took pictures of your baby's genitals! That is very important information that you left out. You also left out that they live 5 hours away. You said you already posted questions about that, but I didn't know that. Not everyone has read all of your posts, so in the future, I suggest that you give a very quick recap of important details (like taking pictures of genitals). This definitely changes my opinion.

My MIL was very much like that when our oldest was born. She called very week, "When are you coming home?" Not are you but WHEN are you. And "home?" Excuse me? Loved it the day my husband finally said to her, "Mom, I AM home!"

What if they did come to visit and did stay at a hotel (not your house) and watched your son for the day so that you could get your work done? They could take him to the hotel and maybe a park while you work at home, or they could hang out at your house while you could pack up your things and work in your classroom or at the library or a coffee house.

My SIL and I also teach, and sometimes there is a lot of work to get done. It be very difficult for me to get it done with kinds underfoot. My SIL and I often watch each other's kids so for a few hours just so the other can get work done. We are so lucky that my parents also live in town, and they are very helpful.

I would try to turn this into a blessing and not a burden. Let them spend time with their grandson ... just make sure you can get some work done, too.

ETA - Sorry, didn't read your earlier posts. Now I agree with Marda. There is no need to even respond to phone calls and texts. Ignore them.

If you think they will come to your house anyway, make plans to not be home. Take your son to school with you or go to the park or find some other place to spend the day (even if you don't get as much work done). That might be the only way to truly send the message to them.

Let's be clear about this. Your MIL thinks that you just don't want them to visit. That is the case. You don't want them to visit. In your posting you've complained about their past visits so while you seem to be blaming it on being busy for the rest of the summer (which is a situation you created yourself by not managing you time better; totally understandable since this is the first year you are juggling a baby and a job) you actually do see to be put out by their visits.

Let's look at this from your inlaw's point of view. They have a new grandchild and they are all excited. Of course they want to visit. Babies change every single day and they are missing that. However you are the gate keeper so they have to go through you to get to that baby. They figure if they badger you enough you'll cave.

I would NEVER trust her alone with your child because her past behavior is questionable so the option of her taking him is out. How about just texting her a picture of the baby when they text you with the caption see you on labor day? Different picture every time same caption? They don't have to like it but since you are the gate keeper that's all they'll get for now.

Wow. Your in-laws sound like freakin maniacs. I want you to know that I absolutely believe you and feel for you. I'm happy to hear that your husband is in therapy and that the 2 of you will be starting marriage counseling soon. Talk to the counselor about this. I love that your husband is saying "no" to his folks. Be sure to express your thanks for that. You've gotten great advice here but it sounds like you know in your gut what you need to do. Go with your mama instincts and don't be afraid to hurt in-laws feelings. If they choose to come to town without your ok, too bad so sad. It's their problem and you absolutely do not need to accommodate them even by having dinner with them. No way. If you and husband are on the same page, let him take the reigns. I'm so sorry you are dealing this. Thank goodness they live 5 hours away. Stay strong!!

Okay well, first off you are an adult and can just say no. Your husband should be dealing with his parents anyway, if they really are as bad as you say they are (taking photos of a baby's junk, seriously?) then why haven't you blocked them from texting you? Honestly what kind of mother cares about being "rude" if she feels her child isn't safe?
Something just doesn't add up here...

Here's what I don't get - you and your husband are busy, doting grandparents want to spend time with your baby. Why not take advantage of this and hand him off to them for a day or evening? They get their grandbaby fix, you get uninterrupted time to get things done, and you can meet up for dinner at a restaurant at the end of the day, spend some time with them, take your son back, and that's it. Perhaps the next day do it again. Change the dynamic from one of hosting to one of baby-sitting, and that way, it works for both parties. If they weren't visiting this much before the baby was born, they aren't there to see you and your husband. So take advantage of this and get some time that you need to yourself.

Edited to add: I just looked up your prior questions, and I see that your husband is the one with the huge addiction to video games and a job with a friend who doesn't require your DH to be there. So I'll edit my answer to say I wonder if this is a whole lot more about your husband not being someone you can rely on. On your prior question, you said you were thinking of separating, and that was just a few weeks ago. And now that you mention the photo by your MIL, I remember that post as well. So I'd say now, get marriage counseling (immediate and serious - forget your lesson plans!), get your money protected (see a financial expert and a lawyer), and stop dealing with the MIL. If you have to, tell her that her son is playing video games all day long and you are just swamped.

Original answer: I think a lot of this is about control. You and your husband have a new family dynamic because you have a baby, and you are learning how to be parents instead of just a couple. You want to have your family and establish your new reality.

Your in-laws don't get it. They want what they want, and they don't care to be accommodating. Your husband didn't stand up to them before (because they crashed your mini-vacation) and you were caught off guard. You're just learning how to travel with a baby - which is a huge deal - and suddenly you had 2 more people (plus you got blindsided). So they went ahead and made reservations this time without consulting you or him, and just told you after it was a done deal.

You're already not fond of them, and they know it. So they are making the baby the battleground. Hence her "kidnap" the baby remark.

I'm wondering a couple of things. First, do they think the summer is your down time, your free time, and the best possible time to visit? Do they just not understand what teachers do? Second, do they want to visit and be entertained, or do they really, reliably want to take your baby and provide full and competent care? I get that you cannot handle the first. Is it possible they could do the second? Third, are you confident that your husband is entirely on the same page as you are? Or is he more likely to cave in again as he did before?

If you don't want them to take the baby because they are not vigilant or open to your baby's routine and feeding schedule, then no, they don't take him. And don't offer to pay their cancellation fee! Let them take the hit because they made an impulsive decision! Your husband has to take charge of this side of the family, and you take charge of yours. I disagree with the suggestion below that you skip the high cost of day care by sending the baby with the grandparents. On what planet can you just not pay for care and still have a slot available for next week? But if there is a way that they can take the baby and get completely worn out because you and your husband are working, it might cut into the fantasy they have about how easy this is when you're still doing the work. If they can stay in your house for the day while you go to your school or the public library and do your work with your phone turned off, it might solve the problem. Either they will be fine (chichis what one would hope), or they won't ask again because they are too worn out, don't understand how swings and strollers work, and have to deal with a baby who spits strained peas at them (which solves your problem for the next time). Do you currently use babysitters at all? If not, it's time to get used to that on some level. Seven months is old enough to have another caregiver, even if it's not overnight. The point is, make this about them providing care and not about you providing hostess services.

Can you manage some FaceTime so they can "see" the baby without visiting? That helps the baby see them as well. Can you set up 10 minutes a week and at a time you determine?

Stop taking calls/texts from them. You don't have to answer everything. Let calls go to voicemail. Your husband has to take over responding to them, or ignoring them. His call. But he doesn't get to pass it off to you. And you have to let go of any pressure or guilt about responding. I'd give up any thought of convincing them or making them understand. You have to live your lives without answering to them every single day. Your husband can convince them that HE and you - not just you - are busy and just get more frustrated and further behind if you are constantly interrupted. It's okay to say the phone has been ringing or the text tone has been sounding all day long (you can be vague about whether it's them or others...) and you are both further and further behind. They can take the hint, or not.

But your husband has to say "no" to visits, to hotel reservations and to being available if they just show up. He has to treat them as he does the door-to-door salespeople who ring the bell, and tell them it won't work. You both get in the car or go do what you have to do.

If he won't do this, they you don't have a MIL problem - you have a husband problem. But I don't think you should fight this yourself on your own. You'll lose, and you'll become the problem in their eyes.

Yikes! First of all, I"m going to bet that your in-laws are so excited to have grandchildren that that obscures everything..I think of it was selective grandparent deafness. Secondly, if they are retired, they have time...and they probably don't recall what it is like to have every second of the day booked...and to be exhausted when those rare moments aren't booked. Thirdly, families have different traditions. DH and I don't "drop in", my SIL and her husband will just appear at our door. My neighbors have a constant flow of relatives visiting, and they are fine with it. I would find this intolerable. Your in-laws may not get it if they grew up in one of those "Friends" households...where Phoebe, Chandler, etc., just move back and forth between each others homes without so much as knocking many times.

IMHO, this is your husband's issue to manage. These are his parents and he has their ear more so than you, he also understands how their household functions. I know that DH and I plan the month, and then do a weekly update of the plan. I have other friends who pretty much fly by the seat of their parents, and them we are just perplexing if not outright weird.

What I would suggest is that your husband give your parents a calendar of available dates to visit and tell them that due to your jobs, they need to respect that calendar. When they show up, have your DH say to them: I"m sorry. This isn't the time we had agreed upon. Our family is busy right now, you'll have to go to a hotel. If they text you or call, refer them to the calendar.

Take care. And, may I suggest the mantra: They do this out of love, they do this out of love...when things get rocky (plus a glass of wine!)

Adding: While this may seem very weird, how about using technology to your advantage? Skype with the baby (or have your husband Skype with the baby). Right now, your baby is the center of the universe to them...and perhaps a daily Skype session would help to reduce the baby fever!

I think you should let them come to your city, stay at a hotel, and schedule a few short (2 hour or so) visits, meals, or outings so they can see the baby. I so agree that it was totally over the top irritating that they showed on your family vacation. Next time, I would be on DH not to share your plans with them, ugh! I GET why you don't want to devote days or weekends on extended entertaining duty, but I think a couple of hours isn't too much to ask, as long as they understand you have limited availability. Babies grow up very fast, I hope you consider working out a compromise. I'm sorry it sounds very stressful on you.

If they show up, they can stay at a hotel. Be firm and set boundaries. It's hard I know from experience but the sooner you get in the habit the easier it will be. My mom took a pic of my daughters private to document a rash, are you sure she didn't have some sort of reason?

I hope when I am finally a grandma my kids want me to have a relationship with my grandchildren. Your letter made me sad. Not many people here complain that the grandparents love their kids too much.