I have a completely psycho MIL. (to put it mildly) Unfortunately it affects our marriage in a bad way. To give a little back ground.
1. she told me once that she didn't care who her children ended up with as long as they are catholic. (I am not Catholic)
2. I had lost about 20 lbs. before we went on our trip to Maui. She asked me if I was just going to "blow up" again after we got home from our trip.
3. At our wedding, she yelled at my mom about the seating arrangements. She didn't like that her own son was sitting at her table. (He flew in from out of town last minute, so we squeezed him in there)
4. My daughter's first name is original, however her middle name is my grandmothers. She said, "boy she sure has a lot of J. in her". (that's me.) She was not happy that her middle name came from my side.
5. I specifically ask her not to feed my children soda, candy, chips, etc. (they are 2 & 4 y/o) She does it anyway. When I say something, she just rolls her eyes at me and walks away. I don't feel like I can leave them there unattended.
6. For Birthdays, Xmas, etc. She ALWAYS buys inappropriate gifts. Or the wrong size. We NEVER keep her gifts. She REFUSES to give a gift receipt. She wants you to ask her for the receipt and explain why you are returning the item. In addition, she takes the tags off of everything, so it makes it virtually impossible for you to return the item. We have asked her not to do this, but she still does.
7. She claims she doesn't smoke or drink. But we always, "catch" her hiding in the back yard or garage doing it.
8. When confronted with any of the above things, she denies them emphatically. In addition, she denies physically abusing her own children.
so now, I ask you. How would you handle this situtaion. I dont' EVER want to go there. I am afraid to leave my children there. (In fact, I never have). My husband wants his parents to babysit, but I am afraid. I don't trust her. I do believe she has several psychological disorders. However, no one will confront her on them.
I dread holidays. Everytime we have to go over there, I start to feel physically ill. My husband and I end up getting into a huge fight. It is affecting our marriage. any suggestions?????
I do plan on confronting her. However, I know she deny it all.
Yes she drinks All the time. I believe she is an alcholic.
she denies the abuse of her children. however 3 of them have confirmed it. she still says it never happened. the dad says it DID.
thanks for all of your advise.
thanks again everyone. Ok, so maybe I won't confront her. I like the idea of smiling and going along with her. I totally agree on the passive/agressive. She truly is just trying to get a rise out of me and I fall for it every time. I even notice while it's happening. and yes, I look the jerk, not her. ugh!!!! she is evil!!! Again, thanks everyone. I'll keep you posted.
I would like to reiterate to everyone that my husband will NOT allow her to watch the children alone. However, he does want to visit regularly. I physically and emotionally cannot. Believe me when I tell you all this. The above items are just a SMALL part of what she does. She constantly is behaving badly. the list is truly endless of all the things she says and does. If it were just these 5 things, I'd be able to handle it, but it is much much much more!!
also, i am new to Mamapedia. Is there a way I can reply to each comment individually?? I would like to do that, but I don't see where it is possible. thanks for the assistance!!
I cannot fathom you husband wanting her to watch his own children when he lived with her growing up and she was abusive. Why would he want to bring his own flesh and blood into that? Something is wrong with him if he thinks that is a good idea.
Wow my boss is your mother in law! :p
So do you want to know how to get along or stir the pot. I can tell you how to do both. :D
Honey, are you talking about my MIL. She does that stuff. I don't trust her at all with my baby and my husband even says she was a bad mother. But still wants her to babysit. She is constantly saying to her with us both in the room. You need to come stay the whole weekend with Mammaw. Hello you are never going to keep her she is a total nut. My husband will switch back and forth saying oh she was a bad mom but she can take care of our daughter. She has only kept her once when I was in the hospital. She gave her marshmellows for supper, put sweet in low in her food cause she wouldn't eat it, and then tried to feed her spoiled milk(luckly she wouldn't drink it) I mean I can never trust you!
Oh and we just donate her gifts or we put in a garage sale. I have used a couple for joke gifts at Christmas, my family plays that who got the worst present ever and regift. I won a bunch of times.
Of course it's affecting your marriage, actually from all you describe, I don't hold out much hope for your marriage. Your husband is the person in the middle and neither you or his mother seem willing to budge. You hate her, she hates you. Different beliefs just make it worse. She probably thinks your as nuts as you think she is.
Grandparents like to indulge their grandchildren with treats and things that mom and dad don't always like. (It happens....can some grandparents PLEASE weigh in on this)? I don't mean constantly giving candy, soda, etc., I just mean it happens!
Husbands become "former husbands" or as many of the "former wives" like to refer to them as "MY EX", but 99 + % of mothers NEVER become "EX Mothers".
If you love your husband and have a marriage worth saving, I would recommend trying to come to some understanding with your husband's mother. If your marriage goes SOUTH, just make a few notes now and review them when you become Mother-in-law and/or a grandparent.
Blessings.....
Wow! That's a lot of complaints. I feel for you! Let me just talk about the gift one. My mom is the exact same way. She shops all the sales...without having any clue who she's buying for and then evens out the piles before she wraps them. My son ended up with girls slacks one year for Christmas and one year I ended up with 1 (?) cloth napkin. Every year my husband gets a DVD from the same comedian - one he doesn't like. My daughter got an ugly doll - the exact same one two Christmases in a row...seems it was on sale and she stocked up on them and my daughter's pile must have been light that year. Anyway, we've addressed that issue as follows: 1. We talk in depth with our children about selecting gifts people would like - and remind them that less is more - when it's something the receiver would actually like. We encourage them to brainstorm for gifts and truly put their hearts into it. We're trying to teach them compassion even though their grandmother doesn't show it. 2. We have a "grandma's treasure" contest each year after Christmas. Each of us does a presentation on the most bizarre/innappropriate gift we have received that year. Everyone ranks the "treasures" and the winner gets a cash prize. Nothing big. $5 or so...just to lighten things up a bit. For those who would see this as making fun of my mom, don't even start with that one. She puts no thought into others' feelings and I have spent quite a while digging out of the hole she put me in. Years of therapy have brought me to a better place where I can usually ignore her inconsiderate ways and see her for what she is - passive/aggressive.
Well your Husband is in denial.
He sees no problem.
The problem, is the MIL and him.
Are your parents in the same town? Can THEY babysit?
Ugh! Sorry to hear this. I say suck it up on the holidays since she's your hubby's mother. Don't worry about the gift thing--like the other mama said, just donate them. I wouldn't let her babysit if you don't trust her. Never leave your children with ANYONE you don't trust. Relatives or otherwise. If your husband doesn't understand that and respect your wishes then you've got a big problem on your hands. YOUR wishes should come before his mother's. YOU'RE his wife. Just my opinion. Good luck with this one!!
I sympathize, read my post - there's great advice: http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/7791408200351350785
Honestly though the thing that has worked best was to just be nice to her, send her pictures through email once a week, give her updates on the kids - pretend she is NORMAL even though she's not. A good friend told me it's what she does with her toxic MIL and it worked to help heal their relationship. It really does work and aside from that - it is important to allow your husband to honor his relationship with his mother without your interference - no matter how she acts out. It's SO hard to do, but it is so important for your marriage.
Our marriage has gotten stronger through this, and now my husband actually takes my side (because I'm not forcing it LOL). I can't believe we've come so far in 6 months.
W-ooow!
I would avoid that woman at all cost. If need be confront her and have a big blowup THEN don't talk to her anymore. Get you phone numbers changed if necessary.
You have pretty legitimate reasons to not want to leave your kids with your MIL. Sounds like she likes control, just make sure she knows you're in charge. You said she drinks, is she an alcoholic or just like an occasional drink...I wouldn't want her drinking with the kids but if it's on her own time that's her business. Ignoring your request to not give the kids soda is not very respectful...occasional chips/candy not a big deal, I think it's ok for grandma's to spoil grandkids a little. I wouldn't sweat inappropriate gifts, just smile and say thank you and put it away. Sounds like your husband feels safe leaving his own kids with her, would he put his own kids in harm's way?? If you feel it's affecting your marriage and you can't see eye to eye I would suggest counseling. goodluck
"In addition, she denies physically abusing her own children."
Does your husband not remember this. I think that alone is reason enough.
