MIL Drama

I think MIL realizes. She doesnt have words yet. Will probably apologize for her overbearingness if she has to, but I think she is putting time into the equation so the whole thing will heal itself. Leave it be.

I think she was perfectly in line expressing her feelings and wishes. I agree that the first moments with baby should be with mommy, daddy, and baby. Now that it's out in the open, I wouldn't bring it up again unless MIL says something about being there again. Hopefully this is all that will have to be said.

Her husband needs to man up and deal with this. He doesn't have to "confront" his mother, he has to support his wife and ask mom nicely to give them some space. Too bad if she's taking it hard. If SIL said exactly what you said she did, then SIL did nothing wrong. MIL needs to chill, and Hubby needs to grow a pair.

Your SIL said what she wanted to say very nicely and MIL has backed off.
It seems to me the desired effect has been achieved.
If MIL is black balling her (in no communication mode), that's just pouting and she can pout as long as she wants to - so leave her to it - she'll come out of her funk when she's good and ready.
When I'm pushing a new human being through a 10 cm space, I get to specify which relatives are in the room.
The hospital will back your SIL up if necessary.
What sort of cheering crowd did MIL have in the room when SHE gave birth?

I would have nipped that one in the bud the first time it was mentioned, but that's just me. My own mother wasn't in the delivery room with me (she's of no use when you're in pain or there's an emergency). I certainly wouldn't have wanted my MIL there either. Really, some people just want that private moment for themselves and I 100% agree. Plus, does your MIL really need to see you spread eagle? I just don't really get that, but maybe I'm old fashioned.

Tell your sister to stick to her guns and tell her husband to grow a backbone. His wife is delivering their baby, she should have the last say on who SHE feels comfortable having around. Funny thing about overbearing people - they tend to make everything about THEM and they're not usually the type of people who are happy fading into the background when needed, say, during a stressful delivery. Go figure?

Please tell us that you really don't think that your sister-in-law doesn't deserve to have a baby without her MIL in the room with her. It really worries me that you ask if she was wrong in what she said to your MIL. It is a shame that her husband didn't do it in the first place - he should have. But he didn't, so she had to.

It is a GOOD thing that your MIL didn't respond. She probably would have been awful. Yes, she is taking it really hard. But she already had her babies. It is her DIL's turn and she does not want to do this very hard and private thing in front of her.

The good news is that your SIL can now start concentrating on her upcoming delivery. If your MIL wants to be in her grandchild's life, she will get over this and behave herself.

Dawn

Honestly, I think too many people think they have the "right" to be in the delivery room when a new child is born. Honestly, the pregnant woman is the ONLY authority on who goes in, and in this case she wants her husband. I think the MIL is being rude and childish and she will just have to get overherself. Your sister has every reason and right to limit the visitors.

I think your sister handled it fine. One thought is that "calling after the baby is born" might be taken as a slap in the face. Although I didn't have other in the delivery room, they did wait in the waiting room (and visited when I wasn't in active labor and felt up to it). I had given explicit instructions to all there (hubby, hospital staff, and family) that after the baby was born, the FIRST and only person to come in was our son. The nurses enforced my wishes but more than one family member was there and making sure the overanxious gmas did too.

After we had a bit of alone time, then the other family could come in. Might I suggest that once she is settled at the hospital, prior to active labor, your BIL be allowed to call his mom (and yours) to say "we're at the hospital, you can come wait in the waiting room or I will call when the baby is here" and notify staff "no visitors until we say so AFTER the delivery".

I don't think your sister was wrong at all. That MIL would drive me nuts, even though she has good intentions. I think your sister handled it very gracefully.Lots of others might not have been as kind as she was, so hopefully the MIL will get over it and let them be. I hope the MIL can be an adult about it, and I believe your sister did the right thing not just for now but in the future as well to keep the MIL, although well meaning, in check.

sounds like your sister handled it just perfectly. MIL is probably having a snit, but since your sister was courteous and honest, she doesn't need to give it another thought. all her focus can stay right where it ought to. MIL will come around when the baby arrives and she's done sulking.
:) khairete
S.

My mom was upset when I told her that I want each of our kids to have a chance to come in and meet the baby one on one before the grandmas. That means the 16 year old, who doesn't want another baby in the family, will have first dibs at meeting her, then the 14 year old, 9 year old, and finally 5 year old. I have requested that all of the kids be allowed at least 10 minutes in the room with just Dad, the baby, and me, before the next one is sent in. That means my mom will have to wait almost another hour, after my hour in recovery, before she gets to meet her first granddaughter. (I'm having a planned c-section) Once she realized it's important to me, she gave in graciously, and will be eagerly anticipating the moment she first get's to hold her newest grandchild in her arms in the waiting room.

My suggestion would be to have your sister and bil go over to her house at a time when they know MIL will be home, sit down, and have an honest, heart to heart talk with her. With my son, I asked my mom to pick out the outfit he came home from the hospital in, since we didn't know how big he would be beforehand, and wouldn't know what size to pick out. This time, my SIL is going to do that, in place of her mom who passed last month. It makes them feel important, and lets them have a "first" with the baby.

I'm amazed that anyone other than the mother, dather and medical staff would have the expectation of being in the delivery room. It's one thing to be invited into the room, but expecting it seems over the top. Your sister was totally in line...the woman is going to be delivering a baby, not hosting a dinner party. She's been carrying this baby inside her for 9 months, and she and her husbamd deserves to see it's sweet face first and spend time alone with it overwhelmed with the emotion of the life they created and being a family unit. Your sister sounds very gracious, and your brother-in-law needs a bit more backbone. He should've handled that to start with .

I don't think your sister in law did anything wrong. Just be warned she may take the I will just show up approach. That may be another reason she is quiet. She is just ignoring the email like it didn't happen.

When I told my mom that there was no way in hell she would be even in the hospital when I was in labor she said well I will just show up. I said fine, then I will have security throw you out. You sure you want to go through that embarrassment?

Just so you don't think I am a raging B word my mom didn't want to be there to support me in any way, she just wanted to tell friends and family she was there. My mom was the opposite of supportive. :(

You and your sister married men that are brothers? That's sweet!

Of course you want to look out for your sister, but I suggest you reinforce to her that she has a right to establish the boundaries for her baby's birth and leave it alone other than that - meaning, don't try to talk to MIL about this unless she brings it up to YOU. Don't ask your husband to talk to her either. His brother needs to step up. But unless he asks you or his brother for advice, you should probably stay out of it. Your sister set the boundaries, as was her right, and as your BIL left her to do.

If MIL brings it up to you or your BIL asks for advice, then I suggest being gentle but firm. I might ask MIL if her MIL was present at your husbands' births. I'd ask her if she really thought someone other than a mother (not your sister, but any mother) should decide who was present.

Your MIL is hurt, but your sister needs to do what is right for her and her family. Your BIL wouldn't set the boundaries, so she did. Good for her!

If your MIL is basically decent (if overbearing), she just needs some time with her feelings and realizes (or will) that she over-stepped in her excitement. I won't be a MIL for many years, but if I had behaved like your MIL, I might go silent because I felt guilty and foolish.

As an aside, I am confused about when it became the norm to have Mom and/or MIL in the delivery room. For hospital births, we went from being alone (yikes!) with the doctor to having our husbands (nice) with us to having a parade of matriarchs. Home births I know about - it is *still* up the the woman having the baby whether or not she wants Moms present.

No, your SIL handled it right. She didn't attack her. She stated her feelings and expectations clearly. Your MIL needs to lick her wounds right now. Give her that.

Your SIL drew a line in the sand - gave a boundary - which is a GREAT thing and your MIL is trying to wrap her brain about it. having a baby is a great thing!! It's great that people want to be involved...however everyone needs their own space...it could be a difficult delivery - or a long one - who knows!! She did GREAT in setting boundaries!!!

Just a thought....to have "drama" you need more than O. participant.

Your sister could have easily kept her mouth closed and called in-laws AFTER the delivery with the good news & all stats & measurements. Why lay it all out there like a list of hostage demands?

It takes two to tango and if your sister truly doesn't want to Drama Dance, then she needs to stop dancing!

Giving birth, especially the first time. is a very private experience for many couples Your sister has every right to ask that EVERYONE follow HER wishes. MIL will need to understand this is not about her and what she needs, but what sister needs. This is no way anything to do with how she feels about MIL, but about being able to have some control of the situation.

I also did not want family around during my delivery. I just wanted it to be me and my husband during the birth. I also wanted to be ready for visitors..

At one point, my sweet, sweet husband had to pull my mother aside and explain that I did not want to be touched, talked to or asked questions while in labor..

Of course it did not work out that way.. My mom came to the hospital. I told her to please wait out in the hall while I was delivering, but we ended up needing her to help hold one of my legs. Oy Vey..

If sister will make a delivery plan and give it to her doctor and then the staff at the hospital, they will help keep people or certain people out of there.

They know how to make excuses to keep the patient protected from all of the emotional stuff going on outside of the room.

This is all about what sister needs and wants at this point so she can give birth to her baby.

It's between your SIL and MIL.

Your SIL has every right to want the kind of birth she ants-I am wanting the same thing, and can't seem to find a way to tell my mom and sisters, and MIL the same thing.
Maybe there's a chance that you or your DH can "work into a conversation" the comments of how your SIL explained to them about wanting to be alone when baby is born, and how sweet you think that is. You can kind of say it in a way that makes it seem as though you don't know there is any strife between her and them, and just kind of give an "objective perspective" to your MIL that way. I know she feels personally slighted, but my goodness, I do not understand when it became acceptable for other people to get to intervene in a woman's birth experience. Its as if birthing a baby has become something to "schedule" so all extended family can be waiting in the waiting room, and its as if every mother and MIL out there feels its their right to expect a free pass into the delivery room! It's kind of ridiculous how the decisions about birth are being stripped away from parents at every step.

I went through some aspects of this too. My opinion (and it is only mine) is that I only want medical personnel and the man who got me in this condition in the room when I deliver! I knew my MIL and FIL (!) wanted to be there. No way. So, I informed the nursing staff that no one was to be allowed in my room until the morning AFTER I delivered. I asked my sister to be around the afternoon after I delivered to play defensive lineman for me and she did a great job. Nursing staff was awesome and diplomatic and we gave them great gifts after I checked out.

(In my case I ended up in an emergency situation which got really bad really fast all the more reason not to have excessive people present. DH was able to focus on me and our baby and I was out cold for hours anyway.)

I didn't have anyone but hubby in for my first, and for my second the babies godmother was present (we are like sisters) but my family was in the waiting room, and was able to see the baby and me after birth. I think delivery is private, who the heck wants someone there when you are in so much pain!! Plus I do not think my mom or MIL would want to watch me in pain. I think your sister made it sound like she didn't want her there at all, so she is probably hurt. I think she could have been honest and said she was uncomfortable having people with her other then her hubby during labor and delivery because she herself does not know what to expect, however she could have offered her an alternate. Something like I would love for you to be at the hospital and hold the baby after he or she is born. I am not a MIL yet but, I would hate being told I could not be there after my grandchild was born. My mother and mother in law both held my children in recovery after my husband and I had the opportunity to be alone with our child. I loved having grandma's around and I think I would be hurt as well. She is feeling shut out, honesty is the best policy but you also need to put your self in the other persons shoes. I hope it all works out!!

My daughter had a baby that will be 1 year old tomorrow. If my daughter didn't want me there, I would do my best to accept it, but I would be a bit disappointed and a little hurt. I mean, my baby having a baby was a pretty big deal for me.

I have a son. I pray to God that he won't marry and have a child with someone that considers me overbearing for being excited when he has a child. He won't be the one giving birth, but still, my baby will be having a baby.
My daughter wanted me there. She had a long and arduous labor. She wanted her mom. There were complications.
What if it was my son and he wanted his mom, but his wife didn't like the idea? I'd have to respect that, but I can't say it wouldn't hurt my feelings.

She probably IS taking it a little hard and I think they might need to leave her alone with her thoughts a bit.

My sister's step daughter had a baby and was all for the shower and the gifts, etc, but she allowed no one at the hospital. She allowed no one at their home. She even sent out a message that anyone wishing to leave gifts could leave them on the front porch of their house and she'd get back to them. Even grandparents were not allowed. It caused hurt feelings.
I understand needing some quiet time, but leave your gifts on the porch? Really?
My brother in law joked that the kid would probably be riding a bike before he ever got a chance to see her. And he was the father of the dad and he'd given them $20,000 toward the down payment on their house.
Not allowed around the baby though.

It strikes me that you said your sister's husband couldn't bear to break his mother's heart. Your sister may get her way, but she may also have to live with her husband not feeling right about hurting his mother.

No matter how sweetly or tactfully your sister tried to put it, there are likely hurt feelings. I don't think mother in law is over reacting. I think she is absorbing. You think she's overbearing and smothering. There's not much for her to say right now and that's likely why she's not responding to calls or texts. She got the message.

Hopefully things will smoothe over between now and when the baby is born and she can feel included in the glorious arrival of a grandchild whether she's allowed to attend the birth or see the child soon afterwards or not.

Hopefully the baby actually getting here will heal any hurt.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I think your sister handled this situation well (polite but firm) and your MIL needs to get over it. Your sister is the one pregnant and she will have to be the one making the decisions as a mother so she is right to start now. On the other hand there is no reason other relatives can't be supportive to your MIL and recognize she is disappointed not to be there and see the baby immediately. I could never see the point of hanging around the hospital myself. Visiting after the baby is born and the parents have a little time to catch their breath seems better. (I didn't call my own parents until I was in labor and at the hospital the first time.)

I don't think SIL was in the wrong at all. There is nothing wrong with just wanting it to be her and her husband. I wouldn't do anything else right now unless the MIL contacts them.

But I would suggest to her that they call MIL when they get to the hospital before delivering. That way she can be in the waiting room waiting for when its her turn.

They can get the baby and mom cleaned up. They can have some time the three of them for a little bit ( 15-20 mins). Let the MIL come in and see her grandchild and get some pics then after a half hour ask MIL to leave so she can get some sleep, wether she is actually tired or not and her and her husband can have all the time they want.

While Im not a grandma ( and better not be for a long time! lol) I can only imagine that the feelings are just like when us mothers give birth only stronger because its your baby having the baby. Im sure those first few precious moments are just as important to the grandparents also.

I would be hurt if I wasn't able to share them also. Im not talking about being there for hours... but to be able to come in and see my grandchild right away and get some pics and be able to hold them and spend time with my child and IL for even a half hour would mean the world to me.

My mom was dead set on being in the delivery room with me. We are pretty close, but when I am upset for any reason (Being in pain caused by labor included) I do NOT want my mom around because she always knows how to say the WORST possible thing and the WORST possible moment (It's completely by accident of course but it still drives me insane). Plus, I too wanted that to be a family thing between my fiance, new son, and I (Along with some medical staff in the background). My mom was hurt but tried to show her understanding. She ended up being the one to take me to the hospital because my fiance was an hour and a half away at work. So she stayed with me while I got checked in and refused to leave until my fiance got there (She is a very strong believer that no one should go through even one minute of labor alone). Well, my fiance decided to stop at his place first to feed his fish since he would be spending the next couple days in the hospital with me and his house was in the opposite direction of the hospital. So my mom ended up being there for way longer than I wanted her to be. When my fiance got there she agreed that she would go home and wait until we called her to come back. About 2 hours after delivering our son, I called all of the family members and told them that they could come over and visit (They were all at least a half hour away). My mom knocks on the door about 5 minutes later. I was very confused and asked her how she got there so fast. She had been sitting in the car reading a book the whole time! Lol. And boy was she mad when she found out that my fiance had left for about half an hour after he arrived (The nurse told him that he needed to eat something so that he didn't faint in the delivery room so he left and went to mcdonalds).

Your sister was definitely not wrong in telling your MIL what she wanted. On that day, it's all about her. Your MIL is hurt and will come around eventually... Don't be surprised if she is waiting out in the waiting area the whole time waiting to be the first person to see the new baby. Lol

My MIL and step MIL and Mom were all at the hospital, in and out of my room during parts of labor (not all of them at the same time), but as far as pushing and actual delivery, that was me and DH only in the delivery room. All other family spent that part of the birth time in the WAITING ROOM, until a a few moments after the baby was born, cleaned up, and we had a moment with them for just DH and I. I think they would be incredibly hurt if we asked them not to come to the hospital. But none of the Moms expected they would be in the room for the moment of delivery.

Back away and look at it from her point of view then just try to be understanding. In the end you only can be empathetic its your SIL choice and your MIL will get over it

Only Mom and Dad and baby. MIL needs to get a grip! My DIL in due in
four weeks. If she goes into labor during the day, we will be in the waiting
room with the other kids. After baby is born, we will catch a glimpse of her
give her a kiss and tell her we love her and be gone. The kids will probably
stay for a bit. As a MIL I am very aware of the boundaries. However, this
DIL is like a daughter to me and she says we are her Mom and Dad. Both
her parents passed away when she was young. P.S. My DIL is fine with
us seeing baby right after she is born. If she was not, I would not do it.

i agree.. the only person i want in the deliveery room is my fiance.. once babys here everyone else can come in

Hi, I have 6 kids. The first I wanted my mom but she was out of town. So I had the private moment your sis is asking for. And I've had my MIL and SIL at a birth which did feel weird.
If thats what your sis wants thats what she wants. You need some level of comfort and control. And I agree with previous poster should have been addressed early on. But I think even though they normally communicate via text this is something that should of been handled in person so that sis could of told mil what part she could play in grandchilds life (so both could be more at ease) This child has so many people ready to love him/her hopefully there will not be any room for hurt feelings. Has anyone tried to go by and talk to mil? Since sis and her hubby run buz's will mil play a significant role? Just wondering...well no I don't think your sis is wrong but is she happy with her decision?

Better she stands her ground now, its only going to get worse.once the baby comes. She does not need to feel bad about wanting to be as comfortable as possible during labor, hopefully one day MIL will realize she is alienating herself from her DILs by being way too overbearing but I wouldnt hold my breath. She needs to set boundaries with her now and husband needs to back her up and stop being a baby, because I would bet she isnt done working him over on this issue and he is going to have to tell her no at some point.

I am a MIL, and, though it is hard to not be included, I understand that the parents have to do what is best for them and their children. If your SIL wants to be private at the first, she has every right to. It is amazing the wonder that you feel when alone with the three of you for the first time. A MIL can mess up that feeling of wonder and awe. I think that your SIL did the right thing. The MIL will forgive her, if she wants to have anything to do with the baby. :)

First off - I don't think that you deliver this message over text - if you want it to go well. Your SIL is well within her rights to want who she wants at the delivery. By the way this is the same decision I made. BUT - I delivered in a firm but loving way that this is my desire....can you please abide by my wishes. Had my husband there when I delivered this to both his mom and my mom. Now your SIL needs to go about repairing the damage by handling this over a TEXT. She and her husband need to sit down with MIL and smooth things over.

lol I can understand where you are coming from. I agrees he needs to back off because it's your SIL choice since it's her body and all. Me I was a different story. I had my husband, my mom, my best friend, my best friend's mom and my mom fiancee in my L/D room when I gave birth. But yes it should be an intimate time with her hubby and baby. I never got that seeing as I passed our from blood loss soon after delivery. lol. But congrats to your SIL. :)

The MIL needs to back off!!!! I would not want my MIL in the labor/deliverly rm w/me,,it should be a very private time, the husband needs to open his mouth and tell his mom that it's tooooo much right now. My mil cant stand me so I am very familiar w/this,thats why my divorce is right around the corner..good luck!! LL