How to Say Nicely "NO WAY in __ ARE YOU GOING to BE in the DELIVERY ROOM!!"

You are paying the hospital. Tell the hospital who is allowed and who is not, and that they should be prepared to enforce it. You shouldn't have to say or do anything---you will enough to do!

Hi G.,
What a pickle! Hurt feelings are going to be present no matter how you broach the topic. So you'll need to handle this delicately but firm.

Is this going to be your last baby? If then, it might be easier to explain that you want it to be just a precious moment for you, your husband and your mother. Most women want their mother present as support. You don't have that type of bond with your MIL.

I think this is going to have to come from your husband. It's his relationship with his mother and he'll know better how to approach her. In my opinion, I would say something like..."Mom I know how badly you want to be in the delivery room when (baby #4 - insert name here if you know it) is born but that is not going to be the case this time. Under doctor's orders, she wants the delivery room to be as uncrowded as possible. Naturally I am going to be there. G.'s mom is going to be there also because of the close mother/daughter relationship that they have. If it were me giving delivery then it would be you not my MIL in the delivery room for the same reasons. This is in no way intended to be hurtful or to leave you out of the blessed moment. I'll come out as soon as (baby) is born and we can share our special moment then."

Stand firm with that and don't fall into the trap of her arguing about it or trying to force her way into the room. It is you and your husband's special moment and you have every right to choose you is present. When she raises a point leaning towards an argument just respond with, "We've already addressed that issue." and leave it at that. It'll be hard to bite your tongue and keep from saying anything else, but eventually she will see that you aren't going to budge. She may bring the topic up after the birth but you can say then, "That's all in the past now. Why bring up issues that have already be settled?" Let her crying and lamenting roll off your back. If you don't you'll carry the guilt that isn't yours to carry.

One of my favorite quotes is this..."If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment" . Marcus Aurelius I think it fits perfectly here. Don't let your MIL cause you pain, you do have control over the situation. Use it.

Blessings,
W.

I told my mom we werent letting anyone in the delivery room, although I did have my aunt in there. I just put my foot down. In the end, it's your birth, and if she doesnt like it, she doesnt have to come up.

But if it was my mother in law, I might just let the dr be the bad guy, if my hubby wasnt man enough to do it himself.

Whatever!!! I can't imagine someone being so invasive! I'd lean over and bite her if I were in labor, I swear!
You can say "After the last child, and it being just the two of us, it was so intimate and special, so calming. A real bonding moment between the three of us. It is what we will do from now on." Period, end of sentence. There is no need for anything else. She may squawk about it, but it sounds like she squawks no matter what anyway, so what difference does it make? It's your body! And you TELL the doctor and nursing staff your rules on people. And write it in a very very basic generic birthplan so that if shift changes, there is no miscommunication.
Another option is that you could say "I need you to be with my other children so they know they are special and loved, and spend some grandma time with them". Of course, the third option is to wait til it's too late for them to drive in on time before you let them know you're in the hospital. You've had several children, so it'd be totally believable that the baby came very quickly.Either way you stick to your guns on a very private and special moment between your immediate family. Anyone else is just lucky that you bring them in whenever you feel it's right to do so.

Just tell her, "I'm the one doing the work of having the baby, and this is how I want it."

Just tell her that you don't want anyone in the room except for the doctor and your husband , it's your baby and it should be between you and your husband and she should respect that. In England you are only allowed one birth partner plus the midwife and that is how it should be.

I would tell you to tell her that the hospital's new policy (due to H1N1) is that you are only allowed two people to be with you in the delivery room. But if she's tenacious, she will actually call the hospital and if she finds out that isn't true, then you are screwed. So maybe you can just tell her that it will only be you and your husband this time around. Tell her that since this will be your last baby (if this is the case), you want to share the moment with just your husband.

Once you are settled into the delivery room, you can have your husband come out to the waiting room and tell your mother that you are in pain and are asking for her. He can tell his mother to stay in the waiting room and he'll be back with updates or the big news. And then you won't have to hear your MIL's protests or complaints until after your beautiful baby is in your arms. I can't imagine why a MIL wouldn't see a difference in their role versus your own mother's role. It's nothing personal. You're just more comfortable with your mom. Labor is hard enough without the added stress of nagging or guilt trips. I hope everything goes well for you!

You just say "We are following the polocy of the hopital, and our own wishes. You will be welcome to join us after the baby is here." Then you ask the nurses to keep everyone that wasn't directly involved in the conception of said baby in the waiting room. Obviously nice doesn't work. It might be time to call this woman on her infantile behavior. DO you let your kids get what they want when they cry, behave badly and stomp their feet? I didn't think so. Tell the MIL how it's gonna be and step into you role as Alpha Female of the family. You can be firm and authoritative without being unkind. Stand your ground Mommy! Godd Luck!

In my experience, Page is completely right. Just tell her what your decision is, but do NOT try to explain the reasons for your decision, AT ALL.

Surprising though it may sound, this is a much stronger position that trying to be kind or reasonable to someone who's manipulative, bossy or needy. Once you start trying to explain yourself, you open opportunities for her to probe for weak spots.

This is where you be a grownup and learn to say no. She is just going to have to cry and try to make you feel guilty. Just prepare yourself. So this is what you are going to do:

"Mother in Law (or whatever you call her), this time I'm just going to have ______ in the delivery room with me." She whines, cries, makes you feel guilty. You say again, "I'm sorry, but this time we're only having ______ in the delivery room."

Just be really calm, and repeat the same thing over and over again if you have to. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR EXCUSE IT. It is none of her business why you want to have it the way you want it. It's YOUR delivery, dammit. Do not let the manipulative, self-centered biotch control you. Do what I say, and you will find it's actually quite easy. It only gets hard when you feel like you have to explain and defend yourself. You do not have to do that. Just tell her the way it's going to be. ]

Happy delivery.

You can do this- you tell her your dr. has said because you are a multipara (who cares if she knows what this is) that there is a higher risk of complications and that will require extra hospital staff. Tell her the dr said you could have your husband and one other and you are choosing your mom. Or tell her nothing and let the dr do it all - they are used to it and can totally intervene. By the way it wasn't my MIL that was in my room it was my FIL. Two out of the four times I delivered he just happened to be there and just stayed. I didn't really care but freaked out the scrub nurse who was cleaning me up after the 4th... I said, "hey, do you think I get extra stars in my crown for giving birth in front of my FIL?" Her eyes got really big and she said, "that's not your dad?" When I said no she tried to cover me up and I said, "it's too late now!" and started laughing... I hope things work out just the way you want and need- Good luck and happy safe delivery!

Sounds to me like the reason you don't want her in there is because she doesn't listen to anything you say...
She was asked to stand at your head and she moved to stand down THERE and WATCH? That would be IT for me!

I don't think you need to make up any excuses. Be honest. Or rather, have your husband be honest with her. She didn't do what was asked of her before, and you and your husband are going to decide how the delivery is handled. It creates stress for you (and your husband) that you don't need during labor/delivery (and the baby doesn't need it either). You are eliminating all avoidable stress from the delivery room, and unfortunately for her, that includes her. Nothing personal. (and really, it's not! You didn't make a fuss about her being there until she disregarded your wishes which stresses you out!) The doctor will back you up.
Once she gets over the shock of her son telling her this, you could offer to let her come in for the EARLY part of labor, but tell her that when the process starts getting intense you want privacy with just your husband and will expect her to wait down the hall.

The last labor/delivery I was at the hospital for (not my own), the hall was closed off by locking double doors. Access was easy enough if someone from inside buzzed you through... but otherwise, there was a waiting room right there. We went in and visited a few moments early on... then retired to the waiting room to wait out the rest. I didn't wan't a crowd in the room during MY deliveries, so I would NEVER think of imposing on someone else's labor/delivery. That is what is missing with your MIL. She is too concerned about herself and what SHE wants. She just doesn't "get" it. But I know your doctor (and all the nurses there) WILL. They probably see it all the time and know how to handle it. Those locking doors are there for a reason ya know.
If you decide to let her in early on for part of the labor process, perhaps the doc or nurse could gently take her by the elbow at some predetermined time (say 6 cm?) and say something like, "she's starting to become a little stressed... it'd be best if you would step out for a bit." Then just don't call her back in until it's over.
I know that you have no problems with your own mother in the room, but you also said that the last delivery with nobody but you and hubby was blissful... so why not talk to your mother and explain your dilemma. Surely, as understanding as she is, and having done this herself a few times, she will understand. She may even HELP keep your MIL out. When Doc suggests you are getting a little stressed and the room should clear out for a while, your mom could be the one to take her elbow and suggest they go keep each other company down the hall.
Good luck dear. I was very lucky and didn't have to deal with it. Doubly lucky... 'cause my MIL was a labor/delivery nurse and would have known every trick of the trade, lol.

If she is going to throw a fit, then she is. She is hard to please... and no matter what you say/do, she will complain and make you feel guilty. So there is NO pleasing the woman. Don't try.
SHE is the one with issues. Not you.
THANKFULLY, your Husband backs you up.

You Doctor, is there for you and will go by your wishes.
Just stick to your wishes, for your birth.

For me, especially with my firstborn... who was the FIRST grandchild and niece in my family... my family ASSUMED they would be there as I gave birth. I said no... I only want my Husband there. Period. I also told my Doctor. They put a sign on my door... NO VISITORS. And the Nurses were also told of my wishes. If my family were irked, then so be it. I wanted to have my baby the way "I" wanted... and it was my ideal and my Husband's. I am not giving birth "for" them, for them to be an audience, for them to be satisfied. It is a PERSONAL experience, and I did not want anyone else there besides my Husband. It was a PRIVATE event. Then, when "I" was ready... I called them and said that visitors/they can come by... at certain times, so that I can rest and not have to "entertain" others or to have my nursings interrupted or "watched" by an "audience." That is how I felt. I wanted to be ALONE, with my Hubby, and just have our own private moments and with our baby.

Sure, YOUR Mom being there, is your Mom. Not MIL who causes problems for everyone and is a super controlling bossy woman. Your Mom is your Mom... and so its natural to want "her" there, if you wish. MIL has caused problems for you before... so naturally you don't want her wrecking your birth and the nice moment it should be.

Next, you don't have to tell MIL your due date. AND, between you and Hubby, have a babysitter or a close friend scheduled to come over and babysit your other kids. Meanwhile you are already and packed and situated for the hospital. Yah, its "stealth" like... but with an overbearing MIL... well, you need to guard your privacy if you need to. Your MIL lives in a different State anyway... so its not like she lives just right next door and knows your every coming and goings from the house.

Next, HOPEFULLY she won't just fly in to your State, and invite herself to stay at your house... and just wait until you go into labor. If she is that obnoxious... and actually calculates your Due Date, according to how many weeks you are pregnant.. then that is REALLY toxic of her, not to mention super rude. But, so... talk to your Hubby about it. WHAT IF his Mom, suddenly just flies into town and stays at your house, inviting herself and just takes over the home, your birth, everything?

All the best,
Susan

You have two options, be honest with her or lie to her.

To be honest, tell her that she totally stresses you out during child birth (maybe other times too, but don't go there) and you want to have as healthy of a delivery as possible and that means she gets to wait in the waiting room or with your other children.

To lie, tell her that it's the DOCTOR'S policy to limit the number in the room. If she were to call his office, he will back you up (as long as the receptionist is on board!). If you say it's the hospital's policy it is easier for her to find out it wasn't true.

You could also do both, tell her the doctor's policy is a limit of 2 people and that those two people are you husband and mom and explain why she isn't invited.

She's going to complain no matter what, but you already know what is more important to you. Stick to your guns. No one needs added stress at this point in the game. Best wishes to you.

uggg. my mil joked about being in the room too. I told her no and it was no big deal so we were lucky. But I was worried she would show up so we just went down, we did not tell anyone.....some people found out but they luckly respected us. So is there any way you can just not call her when you go into labor? you can tell her after the fact that you just did not have anytime (even though it took 34 hours LOL). She can get mad at you really and that sucks, but what you want is more important and it sucks that she will not realize that! I am sorry, good luck and congrats!!!!!

Have your husband tell her "Mom, there will only be me and G. in the delivery room and that's it." Then have her complain to him and he can tell her that too many people caused you too much stress. Be honest and straightforward with her.
Let him help you take some of this blame.
She sounds like she needs to be in control of all around her. Maybe she could be the one in charge of the other three while you and hubby are in the hospital.

Say "We love you but we really liked being the only ones during the delivery room with X baby. I know you will respect our decision to just have it be the two of us this time around." If she whines, cries, fights, ignore her. Don't call her until after the baby is born. If you can't 'not' call her, tell the DR and nurses that you just want it to be you and your husband in the room. Keep reminding them!

I see you already wrote an update, and I didn't read the other responses.

Here is an idea that might help. When I had my 2nd child, it was me, hubby and my mom. She was the only relative able to get there and I didn't think it would be fair if she was in the waiting room alone. She was given a chair on the other end of the room, near a screen, so that if I didn't want her to watch, or she didn't want to watch, they just had to move the screen.

As for being critical, the nurses made the room silent. The only people allowed to talk was the dr giving instructions and the nurses doing the labor counts, and me. That's it! Hubby and mom could be in the room, but they had to keep it shut and let the dr. and nurses do their thing.

Just a thought.
M.

I just have to say I'm so sorry you have a MIL like that. First, she shouldn't even ask to be there, & definitely shouldn't expect it. Your husband needs to stand up to her MORE. You have 3 kids, 1 on the way, you are stressed enough. You don't need to deal w/ a pushy MIL. Tell the DR. you absolutely do not want her in the room. Tell the nurses so they don't let her in. IDEA, give her the job of watching your other kids in the waiting room. Someone NEEDS to watch them & somehow make her do it. She will have no choice but to sit there. Another idea...don't tell her when you go into labor!!! Just call her from the hospital saying "surprise, baby's here!". Good luck, you poor thing!

Call her AFTER you deliver.

I think your husband just needs to step up and say No. It's his mother. If she has the audacity to barge in, make sure to have in place the doctor/nurse/etc. to remove her immediately.

I am guilt tripped into things easily so I do know how you feel. Let your husband take the heat. In the end, you know you will feel much better without her there, even with the guilt trip.

Can you think of some "jobs" to have her do as you are in labor? Call relatives with updates? Is there any way that you can just call her AFTER the baby is born? How does she find out that you are in labor? Does everyone come stay with you close to your due date??? Is there any way you could just keep mum about when the baby is coming? Push the due date back a week? LOL. I don't advocate lying but if you don't want her in there, don't give in~!

Congrats. And good luck.

Simply put tell the nurse, hospital, doctor, etc. that if they allow any one other than you have agreed with in advance into the delivery room that you will be hearing from your lawyer. Who gives the nurse the right to allow any ony in the delivery room??

God Bless

EEEK! I couldn't imagine having my MIL present for any of my labors and deliveries! I love her dearly but NO WAY! She wouldn't want me there for hers... we have kids that are 16 days apart, so we were prego at the same time. My mother was present for my 1st 2 babies born (my husband was not there when my son was born so I really needed her) and I wanted her there for my daughter (incase my husband passed out... he has a thing with blood but he did great). It was just my husband and I for #3 and you are right it was alot more relaxing. No smiling for mom and trying to keep her from crying so I wouldn't cry even more!
I would planly say that you do not want her there. It is your delivery and you can have whoever you want and she is not one of the 2! But maybe say it abit kinder.
Sorry not much help!

alright, you want mom but not MIL? i want to make sure i have this right. You want mom because she is all for natural birth whereas MIL is not? if this is the case, you would really not be fair if you said yes to your mom no to your MIL (as i type this i cringe because of my non-existing relationship with my MIL, but i want to be fair). If that is the reason you don't want her there, i would be honest. I would say, listen you were there for number 1 and all i can remember is you criticizing every little thing. I don't want the memory of the birth of my child to be all about your criticism. That is why I am leaning towards asking you to wait outside. Leave it at that. See what she says. She'll probably say no i didn't say a word blah blah all that, you just continue as nicely as you can: please do this for me. I have my own fears of childbirth and I want to make sure i am as relaxed as i can be, and knowing myself, I won't, worrying if things are being done to your satisfaction. Hopefully she'll say ohh i see alrighty then. If not, use your scapegoat.
:)

I know you all ready typed a response but having worked in OB don't worry about it...if your Dr said make him/her the bad guy do it...most ob's now days limit the number of ppl in a delv room anyway...You can go in for a preadmit and let them know your choices are your dh and your mom...at the hosp here they only allow two, it is in writing and both parties sign they are in agreement to follow rules....good luck and don't sweat it...

I know you want your mom there, but...at the very least tell your MIL that you and your husband were the only two in the room when baby was made (hopefully!) and you will be the only two there when he/she is born. Not very tacktful, but then again, neither is she, Mrs. No I want to be down there looking at your crotch even though you told me not to!

Hi G.,
Sometimes the truth is better. My husband and I deal with our own families. So if I or us (as a couple) have any kind of problem with MY side of the family: I deal with it. If it's his side of the family HE deals with it.
You shouldn't be in the position to have to tell your MIL. Your husband is her son, tell him to please help and tell his mother in a whichever way he chooses.
Best of wishes for your delivery
H.

Way to go on baby number four. I loved doing it natural, it is such a fast recovery. I have five and had several different experiences with who is or is not in the room with me. The first thing I would do is tell hubby to man-up and have a heart to heart with HIS mom and explain what the two of you are feeling and how you both would like to experience this birth. He can be firm and insistent and let her know that you both appreciate her love and enthusiasm for her grandchildren, but you have laid out a birthing plan with your doctor that is best for your family. He does not have to mention your mother being invited into the delivery room, he does not have to justify your decision. It is your right and actually your responsibility, as well as your husband's, to provide your baby the best most calm and peaceful birthing experience possible. It is not healthy for mom or baby to experience a great deal of stress during the labor and birthing process. If your husband does not have a comfortable relationship with his mother where he is able to handle this situation then I would suggest you speak with her well before labor time and explain how you feel. Let her know you love her and are so glad your children have a grandmother that wants to be a part of their lives. Clearly explain to her that in order to have the healthiest labor and birthing experience you really need her help with the other children, possibly preparing something special at home for the new baby. A special project for her and the other grandchildren could make her feel very needed and accomplish your ultimate goal of a peaceful birth.
I guess the biggest thing would be to communicate your wishes upfront before the tears and pleas begin. If she is aware along with EVERYONE else in the situation, i.e.- Grandfathers, your mom, husband, maybe get the other children excited about grandma's "special" time with them, your doctors, nurses, etc.
Also, as a note: nurses can post specific birth plan orders on your door, such as; Do Not Disturb, or We Are Having A Private Birth.
It sounds like you have a great support system with your mom, husband and doctors. A little communication and this should be a great birth for you and your mother-in-law.
Hope this helps a little bit. Good Luck!

This is going to be difficult any way you slice it. She is not going to see the fairness in you having your mother there and not letting her be there. I think you should let them BOTH come in after the delivery, if you want to maintain a decent relationship with your MIL. In my opinion, there is really no tasteful way to include your mother (eventhough shes YOUR mother!) and not your MIL, especially since she clearly wants to be there so badly.

It comes down to this, have your mother with you or don't. If you do, your MIL will be upset because she will not be allowed. If you don't have your mother there, it will soften the blow to your MIL. Either way, I hope it all goes well for you!

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