MIL Again

I don't know what you mean by "carry on" but it sounds like your MIL is playing with your son and it irritates you.

Too bad. That's his grandma and she should play with him. It seems like you go over there expecting her to have "adult conversation" with you and ignor her grandson. Not gonna happen. You could probably stay home for all she cares - her plan is to play with and create memories and a bond with her grandson.

If you need "adult conversation" find a friend. Don't try to make your MIL YOUR friend at the expense of her being your son's grandma!

So what would I do? I would just stay home and let hubby and your son go visit if it bothers you so much. Find a friend and you spend time with your friend while they visit the family.

Sometimes I think one of the most difficult parts of being a parent (especially a SAHP) is the 24/7 nature of the job. I love my boys, but they are ALWAYS THERE! When I go to my brother's house or my mom's house I would love to just sit and chat and have some time with the adults. Doesn't really happen, though, because the kids need attention.

As I was sitting by myself in one room of the house while they were occupied in another, I started typing. That's when they both decided to run in here and demand my attention.

I really get what you're saying. It's very tough when you never get alone time and adult time. We need that, too.

I'm guessing your MIL gets plenty of adult time and when your son comes to visit she is just so excited to see him! It's not really fair of you to ask her to not play and carry on with him. He loves it and she loves it and it is just so healthy for both of them and for their relationship.

It's not that she is disregarding your wishes for his behavior. Asking him to "not carry on and listen" is simply not an age appropriate expectation. He's 5, and 5 year olds can be expected to do that for 10 minutes - 20 if it's something they are very intersted in.

How about a compromise. Give your MIL more opportunities to play with your son. If you would like a chance to just hang out with her, do that while your husband plays with your son.

I really do understand wanting adult time. You just have to figure out a realstic way to make it happen.

I actually teach, so I work during the year and am a SAHM for the summer. One of the best things about it is having the occasional lunch with my husband. Both of our kids are busy (and happy) and we can spend some uninterrupted time together. Love it!

Hang in there. These early days can be draining on us, especially the SAHP's. It won't be long before he's in school and you can breath again.

So sorry to hear about your mom. I can't even imagine the pain your going through. Talk to your husband about ways to do a few things for yourself. I think that will really help you as you grieve.

So.... you go there for "adult conversation" with your in-laws and expect her to ignore your child? And you expect your son not to "carry on" and expect attention from you either and you lost it when he asked you a question?

Your MIL should be bonding with your son. She sounds like she's trying to be a loving, attentive grandmothIer while humoring you when you "lose it." You shouldn't put the burden of adult-only friendship on your MIL, of all people. She sounds like a saint.

If you need time away from your son and time with friends, then see if there are women your age in your neighborhood. Start talking to the other mothers in your town whose children will be attending kindergarten with your son in the Fall. Your town should have some town-wide play group activities for kids his age to get to know each other at "beat the heat" events. Meet other parents at reading time at the library. See if your town has MOPS groups.

W., I think you should let your hair down and run around wild and join in on the fun. Then after everyone is exasperated from sheer joy of creative fun and madness, your MIL will settle down and probably talk with you as an adult, as you wish.

Please remember, this is HER home, not yours. I can hardly wait to have grandkids over to chase after and play tickle monster with.

Please lighten up. Perhaps have a beer or glass of wine, or you can step out and do an errand while they have fun.

I think that you cannot expect your MIL to change - regardless of whether or not she should. You want her too, and it would be nice, but the reality is that she's probably not going to. So maybe instead of constantly fighting it and then getting mad when you are not listened to, it would be better to just expect her to behave like she always does. Then you can plan your visit around that and you won't be disappointed.

For example, expect that when you go and visit, she will carry on with your son and they will be crazy. If you think you can reasonably put up with that for 2 hours, then just plan a 2 hour visit. You can tell her in advance - we'd like to come over on Saturday at noon, but we have plans at 2 so we need to leave by then. And then do so (purposely make plans at 2PM if you need to, so you have a reason to leave). That will give your son the Grandma time that he needs, and won't drive you crazy because you'll still have some control over the situation.

And when you want adult conversation, don't go to her house, go somewhere else. Again, I can agree with you all day long that you should be able to have adult conversation there, but you KNOW from experience that no matter what you (or I) say, it's not going to happen.

I agree that you deserve respect, and I wish your MIL would listen to you. But you say that she's been treating you this way for your entire 20 year marriage, and I just don't think that is going to change, regardless of whether it is right or wrong. At this point, it is better for your mental health to accept her the way that she is and plan around it.

I think it boils down to respect. Your MIL does not respect you. And it boils down to control. She wants to control the situation. She may not like what you do with your child but it is your child. She made sure she showed you that your opinion meant nothing, whether she agreed with it or not. It's her house and she can do things how she wants in her own house. If you don't agree with how she wants to do things then do not go. (I've been there!) If she can't respect what you do with your child then leave and don't return. BUT! When she's at your house she better respect your rules in your house and she can leave. And she does not have to return until she respects your rules in your house with your child. Don't go back. There's nothing wrong with wanting some adult conversation and wanting your child to be quiet for a while. Moms don't get enough adult conversation! Don't let some of these moms make you feel bad about that.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets