MIL Advice

Jen ~ FYI ~ Whenever we ask for advise, we need to take it in with ‘a grain of salt’ use what we think is right and
Edit/delete anything we don’t wish to keep.

You didn’t mention your relationship with YOUR mother, so we don’t know that situation/background or if she is involved with the child; but a few comments:
You ARE lucky to HAVE a grandma around, one day she WON’T be there.
My MIL will send gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and if my husband would like to travel out to see the family, she will visit with us <all of us> with ‘open arms’. NEVER ‘cuddly’ never excited about the ‘accomplishments’ of her grandchildren. Yes, if my husband is not able to travel with us, “don’t bother coming” is her response. As SHE put it: she “would like to see your son more often, and if we come along that is an additional bonus, but not necessary”. My children and I travel A LOT while my husband does not have that luxury due to his work situation <he travels for work, so he would rather we travel and all meet back at home when he is home>.
We could easily visit three <plus> times a year – needless to say we have not been out there in the last two years!!

My mother and I NEVER got along until I gave birth to our son and she sat in the labor room with me and realized all the ‘life’ she had missed<mine>. OH how she LIGHTS up the moment she sees our youngest and our youngest sees her. THEY do things, the ‘baby’ runs down first thing in the morning and ‘snuggles’ with grandma in the guest room, and they color and have tea-parties and my husband always says “Hello Mom- we’re here too” – he is being funny – but we are glad they share such a special bond.

Remember you are the parent, you get to make the ‘final’ decisions and rules. Just give her a chance to ‘dote’ your grandchildren, before the time comes she can’t.

GOOD LUCK ~ BTW ~ <now> a SAHM with six children – age range 22 – 5. Grandchildren on the way!!

OMG! I was in the EXACT same spot, but with my daughters Godparents! There were times my kids even called her Mom. It got under my skin, but I let it go. I laid down the rules that I was the mother and made the rules. I told her when I was bothered by things she did. We had a very open relationship and we knew where each other stood. Maybe you need to tell you MIL that you love her dearly and want to keep the possitive relationship, but you HAVE to let her know some things bother you. If you don't then they will fester and grow into big things as your child gorws. I came to terms with the relationship my kids had on our friend and focused on how blessed we were to have someone like this when we had no family around. So try to focus on the good and let her know the bad :-)

J. B.

well...it could be worse. i offer the following as a tale of crazy moms (my brothers mom but shes still TOTALY NUTS.):

my brother and his wife tried for 2 years to get pregnant. when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer they told us all they were 3 months along. safe to say we were all over the moon.
then he called his mom-her exact words "well did you ever think that maybe I'm not ready to be a grandmother."
to this day she will send the kids a card with $50 in it.

I tell you this so that yes it is completely crazy that your mother in law is quite frankly nuts, but at least shes happy for you and her son. let her know that your family is planning the trip to disney, and let her know that you arent being mean to not want her to send pictures of your child on the WWW with internet crazies and all.

I dont think you are in the wrong. have your husband talk to his mother. say it like that. it works wonders as a wake up call to sons that their loyalty needs an adjustment.

good luck and let us know how it all turns out,
K.

Oh my goodness you are looking at this in all the wrong way! whether you like her or not as long as you trust her with your daughter and know she's not goign to harm her in any wya than let her have her fun. I'ts free babysitting for you! It sounds like you're even going to get a free trip to disney out of it! Take advantage of her, don't get upset by it take advantage of it. If you're sick of being around her and the baby and she wanst to see the baby use it as your time and go do things for yourself. if she wants to take her to disney as long as you can go too by all means let her pay! The extra set of hands there would be great and you and your hubby could even get a night out. Let her show her off, it's all in the joyousness of being a grandmother. I'm a mom of 5 1/2 year old twins and I can see now how amazing it is to be a grandma. They get all the good stuff without any of the bad stuff and you know what, they paid their dues so they deserve it! Enjoy it, relax and enjoy it. Let her have fun and spoil your baby and you sit back and relax and you know in your home your baby will be raised the way you want her raised but at grandma's yes, what happens there stays there. My MIL used to say that too and when my kids were 1 and I called 1 night to see how they were doing and it was 9:00 at night and they were still up and I got so upset and she said to me "they are fine, they are happy and healthy and fine, they're having fun" and I thoought she's right. It's only 1 night and then I'll put them to be earlier the next night. So again, relax and enjoy her love. You could have the opposite!

I can see how you would be a little iritated but everybody is different and I personally would love if my MIL was that involved.. I for sure wouldn't mind.

Don't be too hard on your MIL. She just loves your baby so much and don't forget, that is her son's baby so to her, the baby means the world to her.

I realize that everybody is different. Some would think that's intrusive and others would welcome that type of behavior from Grandma.

My MIL sounds like your ideal grandma. She's not the doting type but she's still loving. She also has EIGHT grandchildren so I'm sure she acted that way with her 1st grandchild, and I think that's what it is..this is your MIL's 1st so let her have some fun with your daughter! :) My MIL doesn't take a million pictures of my son nor request them and sometimes I wish she did but I understand not everyone is that way and it's not a bad thing either. I think if anything, my mom is more so like your MIL (And yup my son is her 1st grandchild!).. and also, a lot of how and why we feel is based on our conditioning and upbringing. My husband is more used to how his mother is so I'm sure he thinks my mom is "A little much" with how she wants every picture of our son or always hugs and kisses him. And I'm used to that and therefore think it's perfectly normal.

Just remember that you have to be fair to everyone, both your family and your husband's. If you already have a trip in the works with your brother, schedule time for next year with a vacation with MIL. Honestly, your MIL sounds like a very loving and proud grandma!! :)

I'll answer as a grandma. She's just really excited. You see when you decide to have children it's your decission. When your children grow up you as a parent have no say in what they do. When and if they decide to have children it's a treasured gift to we grandparents.

You feel like she's overstepping an unseen boundry because you are new to parenting. You see everything she does as stepping on your toes. Why are you giving her a copy of every picture? She doesn't need to see every picture you take. Just email one or two special ones without her asking. She's not emailing them to child molesters; just bragging to her friends.

We grams love spending time with our little ones. We were very busy putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth when you were growing up. Now we don't have those worries so we can relax and enjoy the kids more. Make use of your mil for babysitting to get a little time off for your hubby and yourself.

Hi,
I understand how you feel. I'm dealing with something similar right now. I'm scheduled to have a c-section in mid-March. I'm carrying twin girls! I wanted about two months to settle in before lots of visitors turned up. My mom will be coming but no one else really, b/c my mom is really efficient and very helpful. My husband told his mom who lives out of town to call us before they book their tickets! She didn't and is now coming with the whole family on in the beginning of April. I was very upset b/c I know it takes a month to recover from the section plus we have to bond with the babies and get into some type of a routine. It will be so overwhelming (and exciting, of course). All we wanted was a month and a half or so to be on our own with my mom and a baby nurse. If my MIL came at the end of April, that would have been better. I don't want everyone to stay in the house. The babies will be small and there is risk of infection with too many visitors. My MIL has not even thought of this or isn't even aware of the medical issues. I don't want to deprive her of seeing her grandchildren. The problem is that she is very sensitive so anything we say to her, she takes personally. We need her to understand that this applies to everyone, not just her. The rest of my family isn't coming immediately either.

Any suggestions?

Let me just say I am with you with this one and share a little bit, it could be worse. I have never gotten along with my mother in law, from the very first time I met her and my hubby and I were dating. When we were teenagers she tried to ban me from her house, that didn't work, when my hubby proposed she responded with, "YOU DON'T WANNA MARRY HER!" Now that we have been together for ten years this year, She finally realised I'm not going anywhere and we've attempted to make nice, for my husband's sake. But anyways, once I got prego she automatically started talking about how her role as a grandma, proposing trips to Disney and going on and on about other promises she will be making. She turned my baby shower into a freaken circus, inviting an extra 40 ppl I had never met in my life, they were all her friends, I got a ton of gifts, but I felt very awkward accepting them from so many ppl I did not know. She bought a video camera and argued with both me and her son the whole time i was prego saying she was taping the delivery. She was not permitted to enter my room. Now with my daughter being two and a half all her friends think she is a model grandmother because she spends money and talks like she is, little do they know we have never even left my daughter alone with her.

So now for the advice part, you have to make sure your husband is on your side 100%. If my hubby didn't automatically take my side I wouldn't be able to have the MIL that I do. He will take my side in front of her on any subject, even if later at home he wants to talk with me about it coming from a different angle. With her son talking to her and not just her evil daughter in law she is much more open. Though there has been several issues where we had to scream at her and leave her house. Such as over Christmas when we were not buying toys from China for our daughter and told her this several times....then what did she get our daughter....EVERYTHING SHE BOUGHT WAS FROM CHINA! Including Dora bath powder which turned teh bath water different colors, hello let's take a lead bath! I stood my ground though and didn't let my daughter have any of teh presents and asked her to return them all, and told my daughter right in front of her that "Nana bought you presents that might hurt you, she's gonna go to the store and get a better present for next time you come over!" Yes I can be a b****, but it sent the message.

Basically, stand your ground, and between you and your hubby, she will eventually realise she has NO control anjd get over herself.

I hope something in here helps, this subject causes me to go into rants...lol!