In updating a question tonight I reminded myself that I've been meaning to ask you all about this for a few weeks. We have a blended family so I thought we wouldn't end up with the traditional birth order roles. Meaning for starters, we have two oldest children. Our 14-year-old "step twins" are 4 months apart. SD is the older one but because she lived primarily with her mother until she was 13, my oldest son has been around the longest and she is the relative newcomer and sort of isolates herself (also a function of being naturally quiet and the only girl). They are very different but get along and they don't "compete" with each other.
Anyway...my question/observation is more about my 8 year old son (our second son). His siblings were 6 when he was born, so it was in many ways like having another only child. They were in school all day while I was on maternity leave, and he went to daycare etc. on his own and blazed his own trail. His younger brother is 22 months younger and he's been very much a dominant older brother to him. Until my 2nd son started Kindergarten, my youngest had literally never spent more than a few hours of his life away from his big brother. My youngest missed his brother a little but really relished being on his own those last two years of pre-school. Suddenly he could get a word in edgewise and was allowed to complete his thoughts.
We were on vacation recently and while our 2nd son is normally very combative, argumentative, aggressive, dominant etc. he was pretty mellow the first day, when it was just the little boys and us. The older kids stayed with a relative for a couple of days. Literally as soon as the big kids walked in the door on day 2, our second son started acting up. Fighting with everyone, needing to be right, lashing out at all of his siblings, etc. It just struck me so clearly that this happens all the time - when the older two aren't around, he feels comfortable in his role as the older brother and can relax. When he's put back into his middle spot by just the presence of the other two (who really don't do anything to warrant this reaction) he's there competing with them, even when they're not fighting with him. It's not like they ignore him, but he's so abrasive to them that they aren't warm and fuzzy to him anymore.
Do your kids do this? If they do, how do you teach the middle child that he doesn't have to jockey for position all the time? That just because he isn't the oldest child in the room, it doesn't mean that is value is diminished? We do work with a family therapist on a variety of things so this will come up on the list eventually but I wanted to see what other families are like. I just feel bad that he stresses himself out with this need to jockey for position all the time - it must be so stressful and exhausting to constantly put himself in this position where he feels like he needs to compete. I can say that his is definitely not ignored. He probably demands as much attention from us as all three of the others combined and we try to make sure that the positive attention outweighs the negative. So do you think this is a birth order thing or just his personality?
My middle child is much mellower and more well behaved when one of her siblings is out of the house, either her older brother or her younger sister. I don't know if it's just her personality or the fact that she feels "stuck in the middle" but she's always been this way :(
There is a 6-year difference between the 8-year old and your 14 year-old. They grew up in the same household. Was the 8-year old always obnoxious towards his big brother or did that happen only after he got his "twin"? If the latter, maybe he actually feels like he lost a relationship he is trying to get back in his own awkward way and it just is coming out wrong - with his anger and resentment.
Regardless, he needs to have the tools to engage in appropriate interactions with his other family members.
I would worry less about the "why" your 8-year old acts obnoxiously and just address the issue as it is. When he does not act in an appropriate manner, he must remove himself from the situation. That way he becomes aware of how he is acting AND that it is not appropriate.
Do not tolerate the behavior, regardless of the psychobabble reason behind it.
I don't think he is behaving as a typical middle child. He is behaving as an oldest child, who has been displaced. And that is exactly his situation when the older two are present.
I might liken it to having two adult women in a single household (not roommates but a mom/daughter or MIL/DIL type situation). They both want to rule the roost. Your older kids are ambivalent about it, but that won't stop the younger one from trying to exert his "authority".
I'm not sure the answer, hopefully the therapist can give you some good suggestions. If I were on my own trying to figure a solution, I would likely not go with the "showering him with extra attention" approach, but rather a firm discussion that he is not in charge of the household, regardless of who is or isn't present. That you two (mom and dad) are in charge. And he needs to shape up.
But that's just me. I tend to find it a little disrespectful to us parents (and really EVERYONE in the household) to have ONE who is always causing issues where none exist otherwise. And I won't tolerate it.
I don't know the answer to your question. I wonder why first borns feel the need to boss everyone around. I'm sure than not every first born applies here, but one woman I know STILL bosses her siblings and family members around. She has taught her kids to boss the cousins around too. They are grown ups now and if the cousins make a mistake, there is hell to pay.
I don't know - if it were my sister, we'd be either doing battles with each other or not speaking.
I think there's a fine line between squashing a kid's natural leadership qualities and preventing them from growing up to be on the list of the worst bosses. It seems that those kind of people either never got enough compliments when they were children, so that they expect others to tell them how wonderful they are all the time, or to make people do what they say, in order to make them feel good about themselves, OR perhaps they were judged so harshly as a child, that they are paying back the favor to everyone around them.
Of course, I'm not talking about your son. It doesn't sound like the older kids pester him or goad him into the funk he gets into when they show up. Perhaps because they are so much older, he doesn't want to accept them as older siblings.
I would say that he is more of the older sibling type personality than middle child personality, simply because the olders are so far ahead that they don't really count as older sibs in this regard. Maybe he feels that he has to be top dog and they are getting in the way of that.
Dawn
Well, I have a middle child. And sure, I think some of his personality reflects his position of being in the middle.
But he is just the opposite of your fella. He is quiet, patient, and always willing to please. He is a diplomat. He will be the first to take initiative so that everyone gets along.
He is, in fact, the proverbial "Forgotten Middle Child".
And of the three, by far the kindest, most generous, most accommodating, lowest maintainence.
Your fellas behavior is closer to my OLDEST son's.
:)
I agree with both Dawn and Victoria. Middle kids are typically negotiators and placaters.... not usually aggressive unless there is some sort of dysfunction and they are lashing out.
I also think blending a family is HARD. And being 8 is HARD. He's in "real school" now so there are expectations coming at him from every direction. I like the fact that you said i **t must be so stressful and exhausting to constantly put himself in this position where he feels like he needs to compete.** I think it shows that you are tuned into HIS perspective and you validate his feelings.
I guess I would offer 2 thoughts.... is he verbal? Meaning.... can you *talk him down* using logic.... look at your body language, see how you're standing? Feel how you're breathing.... it's rapid and shallow, that tells me that you're angry.... etc etc. Get him to recognize his physical cues for when he becomes combative and then get him to change his physical stance. Kind of behavior modification.
My other method would be to use "older kid distraction". Is he in sports? Does he swim? Tae Kwon Do can do fabulous things for self-esteem, self-discipline and athleticism. If you get him involved in things outside of the family where he can establish his own world that may help him not need to be so on top of the world at home.
Good Luck.
I don't put much stock in the belief that birth order dictates behavior. My oldest was never jealous, never bossy or competitive with his siblings (or anyone, for that matter). In fact, the bossy one is my middle boy, and I am always having to remind him he's not the parent! It's totally his personality and not a matter of birth order. Likewise, my youngest has never acted like a baby and she and the next oldest are so close you would think they were twins.
Also, we tend to treat each of our kids according to their own behavior and personality, as well as being age-appropriate. I think your son's issue has a lot to do with his age and personality and you are doing all the right things. It takes some kids so long to adjust to certain family dynamics, I say keep doing what you're doing and going to the therapist for help is a great idea. I know my own therapist helps me a lot with how to deal with certain aspects of raising each of my kids and dealing with their differing personality traits.
I think it's probably a combination, but more his personality. My middle child was my easiest, by far.
If he is definitely not ignored, then I would say that instead of worrying about his psyche, you focus more on his behavior. Sometimes we just worry about their little feelings too much -- I know, I've done it. He needs to be nice to his siblings, no matter what his birth order was.
You teach him that he doesn't need to jockey for position all the time by giving him consequences for poor behavior towards his siblings. I know from experience it's hard to do, but don't over-analyze your son too much. Life isn't fair, it is what it is. Your son probably would have been worse if he had been the oldest child.
There is no reason to dominate and bully his siblings, period. Jeanie said it perfectly.
I think it's a combination of both. You probably don't realize it, most parents don't, but the youngest gets the "baby" attention and the oldest get attention from the parents in a more "adult" way. Both are envious for the middle.
He would like to be babied and have people sticking up for him because "he's the baby" but that doesn't happen because he's not the baby.
Then he sees you interacting with the older kids and would like to have that same interaction, but he can't because he's not old enough.
He really doesn't know where he fits in or what his role is in the family. He's not the baby and he's not the oldest - so what is he? He just is. That's how he feels - he just "is" but isn't anything special.
