Micro Manager

Hi, J.. I'm married to one of those guys, too, who means well but, I think, forgets himself, on a regular basis. And he's a great, great guy and father and means well!!!! We're married 19 years and going strong but I also just do something my way if I'm comfortable with it but also weigh his unending comments because sometimes he's really, really right. If he's picking at something I'm doing, I do just hand it to him and say, "Have at it." That usually quells the comments. And I still remind him that there can be more than one right way in life. BUT, I know it goes back to when I DID want to listen to everything he said once upon a time and as I grew over time, I didn't want to! So keep talking; don't change him. Change you and how you deal with it. Regarding any disrespectful talking...keep reminding him of that!!!

I would suggest reading Love and Respect. If your husband would be on board, reading it together could really help you guys understand what each of you needs.

Hi J.,

I am first just offering you support. I am married 13yrs to a wonderful man, but my ex boyfriend was like that so I understand. It starts out so slowly that you don't even notice right away. It took me a couple of years to realize what a downer my ex was, but when I did realize I got out fast. Up till this day he still doesn't understand why I left him and he's still single. My husband is so positive he's like a breath of fresh air. And he doesn't agree with me on everything, but he respects my decisions and backs and support me. I call what your husband is doing and my ex did "underminding". You end up having to defend why you want to use a certain pot. That is a waste of energy and if you are around that energy enough it becomes toxic and breaths resentment. Also this type of negative energy makes you question yourself and than you began to just let the other person make the decisions, so that you don't mess everything up or have anyone upset at you.

Also, your husband is a grown man he knows how he is or isn't.
And I doubt he just became like this. You're just maybe begining to realize the tool it is taking on you emotionally.

Once again I offer you support.
I am sorry for your troubles.
If you would like to talk I am open.
____@____.com

Men are tough in terms of understanding other feelings. Most of them, anyway. You really have to spell things out for them to make them understand and suttle hints are probably going to lead nowhere, but your own frustration.
I've known coupless whoo live for years in this sort of scenario, because the wife wants to do what is right by her marriage.
Leaving open doors for someone/anyone to lower your self worth can't possibly be good for anyone involved. You may have to step out of your comfort zone a little and stop hoping for his approval. Maybe find something you like or are good at and become great at it. You can build a stronger self confidence for yourself and you may find yourself feeling better in the way you respond and how his attempt at controlling situations affect you.

Best Wishes!
K.

Hi. I understand completely what you're going through. My ex was the same way, and a big part of why we're divorced. I also grew up with a very controlling father and my step mother is as well. They all waste so much time worrying about the stupidest things! My ex complained about whether I parked facing out instead of in; and when I didn't smile and speak up to a waitress at a restaurant. Your ice cream description struck a cord because he took it personally when I gained weight because he thought I didn't want to look good for him.

I really believe many people are like this when they are depressed or have unresolved issues. They can't control the really big thing affecting their life, so they tried to control every thing else. If you can, try to talk to your husband when things are calm and when it's not either of you reacting to each other. Looking back, the way I reacted to my ex escalated things even more. I wish for the best for you - good luck!

My husband tends to be the same way, especially when I'm cooking(I hate to cook and he used to it professionally)..."don't use that knife" or whatever...what I found that really works with him is I stop and tell him to do it(the cutting of the veggies that I am doing wrong) he doesn't want to do it, so I tell him to shut up and leave me alone then(not in those words but you know what I mean). As for what you put in your body(I am a Diet coke-a-holic, and if they had a DAA I wouldn't go :) and my husband harps on it...I tell him I am an adult, I enjoy it and I can decide for myself what goes in my body...unless you have a weight issue and he is trying to be helpful(he needs to go about it another way)then don't worry about it. I have to explain to my honey that this(SAHM) is my job, he can't come in and impose new rules or ideas w/o me....afterall I will have to enforce them and I don't go to work and rearrange his desk whenever I want....I love my husband and his imput but when he gets out of bounds if I don't let him know, he won't realize it...it's very easy when you are used to speaking to kids all the time to fall into that trap with your partner...I know I do it sometimes too...tell him how you feel, again...and keep doing it...it may never go away but it will get better...I believe people treat us the way we let them treat us(either aware of it or not), So stick up for yourself and remind him that you're an adult as well :) Good luck!

It sounds like telling him what he says and how he says it does not work. Buy a small tape recorder and tape him when he is 'criticizing' and micro managing and then set up a time for a 'conference' and calmly play the tape so he can hear what he says and how he says it. It may make him realize that he is not suggesting at all, but demanding.

Thinking maybe you need to change your responses to see if it changes his behavior.

Next time he tells you how to do something...cut him short and say, "Hon thanks but I can handle this." If he doesn't let it be, say, "Hon, you seem to want to do this, so here do it your way"....and walk out of the room. Keep your tone pleasant. If he asks if you are angry, say No, I'm hurt as it seems you do not trust my judgements or decisions."

Next time the two of you talk about how something should get done, AIM for a compromise. Tell him, "rather then agreeing to doing this your way Hon, we'll meet half way and compromise...." No matter how he twists it around, stick to your guns about your half of the compromise..."Hon, My idea, seems to have gotten lost in how YOU decided this SHOULD be done....you are hurting me again....Lets stick to compromising."

It might take a bit of time before he gets it and changes how he deals with you but if you don't see it coming about, then you really need to make it clear to him that you aren't a child, nor one of the guys and his behavor is not only hurting you but its hurting the relationship...ask him if he'll go to couples therapy with you.

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is like that too. He's always looking at the way I do everything, and has to comment. However if you do the same thing to him he can't take it. We ended up in counseling. Like you said, I don't want to change him, or should I say, I dont have unrealistic expectations that he will change all that much, but the counseling did help. It was the best way for me to express my feelings to him without him getting defensive right away. Since there is someone in the room with us it made him listen and absorb first before responding. I think thye counseling helped bevause now at least I think he recognizes when he's doing it now (more than before) Mostly after the fact, but once in a while I do get an apology or an acknowledgement afterwards and that feels good. It goes a long way. Hope this helped, patience and understanding is the key, that's a two-way street though. Good luck

Hi J.,

My suggestion would be to sit down with hubby and have a discussion about this - not just after he says one of these things, but at a neutral time ... I've noticed __________, it happens frequently/nearly every day/several times a day, it makes me feel _________________, I need ________________. Give a couple of examples. Tell him that you're not sure he realizes he's doing this and you think he doesn't mean to hurt you, but he does. Tell him you've come up with a buzz word. Tell him whenever he makes a comment that is inappropriate, controlling or hurtful, you're going to use the word. Just the word. As an instant "zing" to make him stop and think "Oh, that wasn't the right thing to say." Hopefully some behavior modification will work, good luck to you.

Marriage Counseling. For both or if he won't go...for you! It is very easy to lose yourself with a controlling partner and for your self-esteem to dwindle. Don't let it happen especially if children are involved. It will affect them.

You could write a letter to him expressing your feelings. My mom used to write to Dad and send it to his office. He would laugh and so would his Secretary :). I'm B., a professional counselor and reside in Shelton, CT. Good luck.

Try talking to him in the same manner he speaks to you. My husband is a vice-president of a paper company and sometimes forgets to take the chip off of his shoulder while in our presence. When he starts barking at me and my 2 girls, we give it right back. It doesn't take him long to figure out what we are doing and most of the time we all get a good laugh and an apology out of it. Good luck!

Dear J.,

Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself if he will not go with you? Such behaviour can really do a number on your self-esteem. It can be very helpful to have someone neutral to talk to who can give you some perspective and ideas about how to change your own behaviour too. It is like a familiar dance: Sometimes if you can change your steps, your partner has to change his too. Good luck. Stay strong and take good care of yourself. It sounds like you are committed to your husband, which is a wonderful place to start.

I started to respond to you yesterday and instead posted it. Look under title "husband". Think about it. If you dont find a way to take a handle on this now, you may never find a way. I did the counciling thing myself and was told be more assertive......... He wouldnt go. At this point after 2 sons left because the couldnt handle living with him (he is not all wrong.) When my daughter left 2 years ago I thought I would die...(read letters) They are also very good at making you start questioning yourself. She is now home (of course he says she is because he let her come home) Now I spend every day trying to deal..... find a way soon dont wait as long as I have..

I got some information for you. Everyone is born into one major "color" personality type. The "control freaks" and put down Masters are the "RED" personalities. They are NEVER wrong and God forbid if you argue with them-you will not win! I lived with one for 20 years...they do not change and it would be good for them if they did! My Mentoring for Free group of Masterminds can help you with techniques to endure this personality. I have a free schedule of calls for you if you would like. We basically help Network Marketers with success, but our traing with the "colors" helps EVERYONE. We also are very supportive group for those who want to OWN their Lives- Not BE owned!! Link for the book Success In 10 Steps here: http://mariji.successin10steps.com/?mad=19520
and if you email me, i will send you out our Free MFF Training Schedule.
Good Luck with this.
Your Friend,
M. G
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____@____.com
PS: You got some great advice here "M. M's was the Truth of the matter and if you want solid support dealing with it, my group can help you. And we will not hold back if the damage is too much to stick out. Everyone gets hurt when one is this egocentric all the time. God Bless you in your search for what you need to do for YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!