Well, the subject pretty much says it all. My daughters start screaming at each other almost instantly when the older one gets home. Usually, it is because the younger one has instigated a response from her older sister. The older daughter has ADHD, so she is likely to just blow up and scream at her sister rather than understand the finer points of letting it "roll off her back". It is driving me crazy, and results in my screaming at both girls. I don't want to do this.
I need methods to calm myself down in emotionally-charged situations.
Can any of you help?
E.
Tell everyone they aren't allowed to talk. Period. If they have anything to say, they have to write it down. You'll have to come up with something, though, if someone violates the rule.
Sit your daughters down today and explain that you are exhausted from listening to them scream at each other every day after school. Ask them what they can do to make this stop and then select the best idea. Tell them that when their arguing starts to elevate to screaming they will use their idea to stop it but if that doesn't work then you will use your idea which will be to send each of them to a different location in the house for 15 minutes. Once the 15 minutes is up if it starts again they will be separated until dinner and then sent to bed.
Then follow through with it every single time.
I was going to write almost exactly what Diane D. did. So I'll just copy hers so you can read it again:
Sit your daughters down today and explain that you are exhausted from listening to them scream at each other every day after school. Ask them what they can do to make this stop and then select the best idea. Tell them that when their arguing starts to elevate to screaming they will use their idea to stop it but if that doesn't work then you will use your idea which will be to send each of them to a different location in the house for 15 minutes. Once the 15 minutes is up if it starts again they will be separated until dinner and then sent to bed.
Then follow through with it every single time.
I do want to add that ADHD is not an excuse for poor behavior. I know you're not excusing your older daughter, but you do seem to indicate that you're expecting the yelling more from her. And really - inability to control one's temper is not a symptom of ADHD. It's more likely a learned behavior. She sees you yelling so why can't she? (this is not blaming you... I'm just trying to point out that ADHD kids can control their tempers if they're expected to).
I really think the best method is to walk away, or make your children walk away. Don't let them be near each other if they can't get along. They'll learn pretty quickly that it's a lot more fun to play nicely than play alone.
ZUMBA!! and meditation works for me try it out .
Count to ten, and as you count slooooowly breathe in and out on each count.
Then, force yourself to speak calmly. My 2 year old son brings out the worst in me sometimes, and that's the only way I can put myself in check before addressing the issue!
Move away? (Just kidding.)
Yep, some siblings never - EVER - get along.
The fighting/bickering/screaming makes you wonder why you had kids in the first place.
Letting kids work things out on their own - face it - it seldom works.
Look - it's your house.
Take charge and run it the way you want to instead of letting the kids riot with each other.
Come up with some rules in order to achieve some detente and stick with them.
Sit them down and tell them - 'Alright. I'd hoped you could have a loving relationship, but since you can't - you have to treat each other as least politely as you would a stranger in the street. You don't have to like each other, but you WILL be civil'.
No more screaming - period.
Stay away from each other - no touching each others stuff.
You say 'Please' and 'Thank you', and each of you plan your escape.
That means doing your best in school to prepare you to grow up, move away and live on your own away from each other.
Combat (physical/verbal/emotional/etc) between you will result in loss of privileges - tv/computer/game/phone time, losing door to you room, etc.
I so wish my Mother had laid down the law between my sister and myself.
It was sheer misery growing up with all the years of fighting.
We do emotional time out's in our house, the kids and myself when I need it, are sent to their rooms and they can't come out until the have calmed down enough that we can talk without yelling or crying. Sometimes it takes more than once, but it's been working pretty well. The other thing we do, is when I yell or the kids yell, we have to stick our names in a jar. At the end of each month, whoever has the most names in the jar, has to do something nice for everyone else.
My oldest and I both have ADHD, and I have noticed that we are both more likely to react without thinking, the time out's can really help with giving us the time we need to think about things.
I do agree to a certain point, with Everley on the fact that ADHD should not be used as an excuse to be able to misbehave. I would just like to say, that I do not agree that losing ones temper or yelling is just a learned behavior. I struggled my whole life and still struggle to a point, with keeping my yelling and keeping my temper in check. My parent's taught us that losing ones temper and or yelling was a sign of not having enough self control. I have noticed that young kids are not going to always be able to control impulses to yell or lose their tempers. At least in my case I found that having ADHD, caused me to have a harder time with controlling the impulse to yell or lose my temper, over someone that didn't have ADHD. Yes! Now as an adult, I do have an easier time controlling my impulse to lose my temper, but it took me a long time and even though I had parent's that expected me to behave, it was not an easy thing to learn and I wasn't perfect at it and I am still not perfect at not losing my temper. Sometimes remembering what it was like when you were a kid, helps keep things in perspective.
Tell them to go to different rooms. Just firmly say, "Go. To. Your. Room." to them both. When they can behave, they can come out. My DD knows that if she wants to scream, she can't do it near me.
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs for a while. Our ages, the age spread, me being an obnoxious older sister....
Then try to deal with each child's behavior. If the younger one instigates, then acknowledge that and work with her about it. If the younger one has a short fuse, work with her on that, too. It took me a long time to rein in my tendency to just yell at my sister.
One single solitary deep breath.
You just need enough time for your "adult brain" to kick in gear and override the "knee-jerk brain". :)
Take a deep breath and say to yourself "I am not a 3 year old," Breath slowly and deeply, leave the room if necessary.
