Mental Health Question--Part 2....sigh

Updated on May 07, 2010
E.M. asks from Boulder, CO
8 answers

Ok, so I asked hubby if he would let me talk to the psychiatrist on my own after his appt. He said no. He also said "It won't be happening anytime soon because we don't have the money." While this is true, his issues are what got us into this financial mess to begin with and if you could have heard him at our meeting with the therapist last week, you would have thought he was going to make an appt. the minute he walked out the door.

Also, the more I think about it, the more this OCDP fits like a glove. Like the time when I was pregnant and he wouldn't carry my carry-on bag through the airport for me (even though he didn't even have one of his own). He said I should have packed better and if I didn't want to carry it myself, I shouldn't have brought it. I cried the whole flight wondering who the hell I had married. I knew that if any of our friends had asked he would have done it in a second. Also, I remember the time he corrected me in front of friends at a party because I said our daughter had never been sledding. He proceeded to interrupt me and say in a cutting tone that she HAD been sledding because we had pulled her around the block in a baby sled. When I conceded that was true but not the type of sledding I was talking about (I meant the real down hill kind) he wouldn't let it go and kept saying "How can you say she hasn't been sledding when she's been IN a sled. I just don't get it." When I confronted him calmly in the car about it and told him he may not correct me in front of our friends, especially over STUPID stuff, I told him how it made me feel, etc. He didn't respond except to keep arguing his point and then when I blew up at him he told me "I WILL correct you when you are wrong." Being right and wrong are far more important to him than being nice or polite. I should have seen the warning signs when were were dating. He corrected me at a nice dinner when I picked up a piece of asparagus with my fingers. When we got into an argument about it, he told me that he thought it was more rude to pick up food with your fingers than to correct the person doing it. I guess I got what I deserved because this did exist before we got married but I didn't leave. I just never knew there was a name for it. And there are so many more things that I do "wrong." My newest mistake is typing too loudly. He keeps telling me I am going to break the keyboard.

Do psychiatrists ever do marriage counseling? Or just psychologists? Can I see a psychiatrist for myself and then somehow get him to go in too? That way I would be the patient trying to deal with how I react to him. Or should I stick with a psychologist for myself. In the meantime, I guess I am just at the beginning of the long and frustrating process of being married to someone that I can't change, can't divorce and can't force to get help. I'll just try to keep the Fun in Dysfunction and carry on. But...SIGH.

Oh and P.S. Oddly enough, I do not feel like a victim. I do not cower to him, I do not think I am worthless or stupid or have a low self-esteem. Maybe this would be easier if I DID. I feel annoyed, frustrated and that while I hate being treated this way, I know the issues are HIS. I admit I do things to compensate like asking him which route he wants me to take if I am driving (or usually I just let him drive). I do this so he won't comment because if he does, I can't guarantee if I will react well. Depends on how stressed out I am at the time. There is a constant power struggle going on at our house....not that we both want control--only he does--I just want to be treated and respected as an equal. I don't know if it is worse to call him out for every little thing in front of our kids and expose them to the constant drama or to let it slide and send the message that it is ok for him to talk to me like that. My instincts are to fight back, I can tell you that much. :) Hiss.

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So What Happened?

Hi Ladies,
So at this point I want to add a little list here--because it's complicated and I don't want to be a Basher. :)
Good qualities about my husband:
He has nothing but nice things to say about my cooking.
He always thanks me for doing his laundry.
He tells me that he knows how hard I work and that he appreciates me.
He does have the ability to laugh at himself (not always, of course).
He is affectionate.
He is the type of father that gets on the floor and rolls around with the kids nightly and loves
doing things with them whenever he has time off.
He does not go out a ton at night because he would rather stay at home with his family.
My daughters RUN and jump into in his arms when he walks through the door.
He helps with the kids full time when he is at home. He helps me clean up whenever he can.

He is a good man. I have only been listing the things that drive me crazy because his micromanaging and critiquing is a problem. There is simply not enough room for me to explain every aspect of our lives together. People are complicated. And marriage? Forgetta about it! Super Duper Complicated for us. But not ALL bad. What is amazing and confusing
to me is that we will be having a wonderful time and then he will suddenly notice a "mistake" that I've made and point it out. I feel
blindsided and it is hard for me to go from feeling happy and valued to questioned and undermined like a child in the blink of an eye. He is truly baffled as to why this bothers me.

I understand why divorce seems like the most reasonable option to a lot of you. I've thought about it. I've had days where I've fantasized about it. But I cannot get a job now that would pay me enough that I would make a profit after factoring in full-time childcare for my full-time children. I am also not ready to give up the gift I have been given of being able to be with our children every day. My older daughter is 4.5 and won't enter kindergarten until 2012 due to an Oct B-day. (And kindergarten is not even 3 hours!!) It will be many years before my kids will be in school full time. We'll see where we are at that point, I guess. Also, we just learned about our daughter's ADHD this past November and started to put the pieces of the puzzle together for him shortly thereafter. The OCPD stuff I just learned about 3 days ago, thanks to Moms on this site. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt before I leave and the chance to get better and change. He might not ever change. If he can't or won't, I don't see myself getting old and gray with him but right now I am concentrating on getting him and our family help. This website has been a great way for me to anonymously vent while getting real constructive help, advice and support at the same time. I thank of all you and think of you as friends. :)

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If it were me, the only way I'd be happy with this relationship is to get out of it. If my husband 'corrected' me about my eating, I'd calmly tell him 'opinion noted' and keep on doing it. When he gripes about how you type, tell him if/when it breaks you'll get a new one. They are dirt cheap. It would almost be worth it to buy a back up so when he mentions it again you could bust the old one up in front of him and then plug in the new one. If the loudness bothers him, hand him some ear plugs. It's hard, but don't let him being crazy make you crazy. It's all on him, not on you.

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C.E.

answers from Provo on

oh i have so much to say on this topic but i will try to keep my answers brief. first, is there someone else who might be willing to pay for his psychiatric visits? my husband has been willing to go to doctors when his mom or my parents pay for it. and because they want so much for our family to be healthy and successful, they have offered. remember that if you don't tell your family what it is you need, it may not occur to them to offer it to you. second, i suggest the book "His Needs, Her Needs". the introduction is about how affairs happen so if that doesn't apply, don't let it stop you from reading the rest of the book. but part of the introduction does explain your question about marriage counseling. psychiatrists are for diagnosing and for prescribing medicine. psychologists can be helpful in changing your own or your husband's behavior and thinking patterns. i found it helpful at times to see a psychologist/counselor when my husband was causing big problems and wouldn't seek help himself, or even admit he was doing anything wrong. the counselor helped me have courage, be assertive, see things more clearly, realize options and things i could do to better my life, etc. but not all psychologists and psychiatrists are the same, so don't be afraid to try different ones until you find one who seems to really understand you and help you. good luck and God bless!

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L.D.

answers from Albany on

I am curious, while no one ever WANTS their marriage to end in divorce, why is it not still an option for you? There is no way I would stay in a marriage like that especially when I have a daughter who is going to take her cue in the men she dates based on her father and how he treated her mother. :-|

I just read why you feel you can't get a divorce. I'm sorry but to protect my children (who from what I have read are already exhibiting behavior like his) I would do everything I could to get out of there. Find a pro bono lawyer who will do the divorce for cheap if not free. Do you have any friends or family who would be happy with some "roommates" so you guys could share the cost of a house?

I was once told in a self improvement type class that there are an infinate number of ways to achieve something. The problem is most people are only willing to think inside the box.

Someone like your husband is not going to change so you will either have to allow yourself and your daughters to be doormats or find a way to get out I'm afraid. Personally, I'd want to give my daughters a chance at a more "normal" life for their sake.

I wish you the best. I am VERY sorry you have to deal with this. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. You really don't. I hope you know that. You should not have to accept his behavior because of his obvious illness. I understand your husband probably can't control himself. I am sorry for him too but still don't believe that should mean that your daughters and you have to suck it up. You just really deserve better. :(

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C.R.

answers from Fresno on

I would suggest talking to him and putting your foot down that you will not allow him to treat you that way. Who cares if he's right? Let him know that it doesn't matter if you're wrong, it's about respect and if he wants your marriage to continue and to be a strong, happy family and couple, he needs to decide if it's more important to him to point out that he's right or to respect you (especially in front of your kids!).

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A.A.

answers from Denver on

Other people have offered great advice. You could always call his psychiatrist and ask him if he has any suggestions and fill him in on the rest. You should have spoken up at the session more, too.

And I will say that a lot of people who value their marriages and lives only manage to get help because they believe the only choice is to lose those marriages/lives. You can't count on it working that way.

But what he's doing is slowly whittling away at your autonomy (driving, choosing for yourself, etc) and you will eventually hate him and yourself given enough years of it.

If you manage to make yourself truly ready to leave him and find another choice for yourself, there is at least a small chance that he will realize what he's about to lose and be willing to really get help. And if not, you will be teaching your children not to accept that sort of behavior from someone because it damages everyone involved.

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J.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

Wow he sounds controlling. get yourself into counseling. Psychiatrist don't counsel the give out meds, for counseling go to a therapist. Why can't you divorce him? I am going to look for part 1 of your question.

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T.N.

answers from Albany on

I am so sorry you're going through this, the only thing I can offer is this, as cliche as it sounds, you cannot control another person's actions, you can only control your OWN REaction, you need to take care of YOU, get your own therapist, go out with girlfriends..........if you have kids remember if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...........your peace can only be made by you! I'm sorry again, I hope you'll get empowered and go get whatever the MAMA needs!

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Other than not carrying the bag for you when you were pregnant, the other stuff is essentially trivial, though annoying. I'd suggest just agreeing with him over all this stuff, and reminding yourself of his good qualities. It's not worth fighting over asparagus.

Agreeing with him would be cheaper and easier than sending him to a shrink and spending countless years trying to change something that is so deeply ingrained.

As far as carrying the bag goes, sounds like passive-aggressive anger towards you. Maybe if you start agreeing with him he'll carry your bag. On the other hand, men aren't trained to be chivalrous these days. My husband made me get out of a moving car one time when I was pregnant (he didn't want to inconvenience the car behind him). Good thing I'm athletic.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what a condition is labeled. It probably is OCHD or whatever you called it, but so what? It's who he is.

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