Maybe Cheating????

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. My advice: Ask him about the hair pin and gauge his reaction. If he says that he isn't cheating and doesn't know about the hair pin then keep a viligent eye out for other signs of cheating.

No woman desrves to be cheated on or desrves the pain that comes with being cheated on. Good Luck! I hope that things work out for you.

I don't know, but that sounds extremely suspicious. Maybe you could spy on him a little bit..does he have a cell phone?

I think you need more evidence than just a hairpin...if you really want to know just look at the numbers on his cell phone bill, one thing is for certain, if he has a girlfriend he is calling her all the time. I hope you're wrong & you guys can find a way to work things out.

I wouldnt ask for a while. Check his cell phone records and if there is a number on there alot that you dont recongise then call it from your land line and *67 before you make the call and it will come accross there phone private. Once they answer hang up, if its female continue your investation. Check up on his stories... Like where hes at, if he is working late, and after he goes to sleep go and check his car and his breif case and his text messages. Suprise him at work with dinner (when he says he's working late), bring him lunch? That is about all I can suggest. Me and a friend do this as a side job for other women. So if you want message me your number and we can talk about things you can do yourself (and save you some money) before you ask. I know it's bugging you.....but.....if he is thinking about doing it and you ask or accuse he will be more likley to do it. Men think " Well she thinks I am doing it or asking if I am, Might as well I have allready recived some hell over it" its like your punishing him for a crime he hasnt commited and paying the time, so he will go ahead and do the crime? Hope that makes since, like I said if you want message me your number and I will call when its convient for you and give you some hints.

D.,
I am so sorry for your situation. I guess I would suggest that you don't get defensive if you try to confront him. I would try to do a little more research before I talked to him about it. Like everyone else has said look at cell phone bills and credit card receipts. Show up unexpected at places, just to say 'hello'. It could be totally innocent and be nothing at all. However, you will be thinking about this all the time until you get it resolved and the lack of trust can turn any little arguement into a really ugly fight. (speaking from experience). I wish you all the luck in the world.

Frankly, I am a little shocked by some of the responses.
No woman deserves to be cheated on. We deserve respect and if a man is looking for 'it' elsewhere he sure doesn't respect his woman. I have told my husband to let me know if he ever has the urge and I will save him the pain and guilt and be gone before he gets home. I love my husband and I vowed to respect him and be faithful to him and I expect the same from him. Any woman who says that it is ok if her husband cheats does not respect herself and it enables men to continue with their 'ways'. Why any woman would accept to lie next their husband knowing he has others on the side is beyond me. Their are so many diseases out there and condoms are not 100% (that is common sense). We are taught to respect ourselves and allowing a man to treat you like that shows a total lack of self-respect. What do you tell your daughter who comes home crying because her boyfriend/husband cheated on her? 'hey honey, it's normal...as long as he takes care of you just accept it, it's ok." Give me a break.

If it's eating at you this bad, then by all means just neutrally ask him about it, as if you assume it's innocent. You'll know the deal by the way he reacts.

But I want to bring up a slightly different perspective:

If he IS cheating, in the grand scheme of things, does it matter?

I know, it sounds very weird. But my husband travels a lot, spends plenty of time in hotels, and I know other women have hit on him before during his trips. The thing is this. If you believe in your husband, if you trust him, then TRUST HIM. If you don't... then find a way to work on that. Put more energy into your marriage (as opposed to just being mommy all the time -- and I am a mommy so I know how this goes). Get counseling. Whatever. If your marriage is worth it to you, don't open up this can of worms because he MIGHT be cheating. All husbands MIGHT be, and within that thought process lies the way to madness (and the ever-increasing divorce rate). Don't go there.

When I am having paranoia personally about my husband, I ask myself what's the bottom line, and it's this, for me: If he is cheating, so what? As long as it's not a relationship, and it's not affecting me or the family (in other words, as long as we never know about it AND no money is coming out of our family finances), and I'm doing what I know to do to keep him happy at home... I don't care. I'm not going to let the 'what-ifs' make me crazy. And if eventually something obvious slaps me in the face and I find out I've taken the wrong tack on this, then, well, we'll deal with that at that time.

I know exactly how you feel and it will eat you alive if you don't say something. I think Lisa's idea was great, that way you don't have to be confrontational but you can still bring it up. You said that your husband says he would never cheat because it is morally wrong...my response to that is that we ALL do things that we think/know are morally wrong. We still do them despite feeling that way. I am not saying that he IS cheating but I would not believe for a second that any man wouldnt do it because of the "morality" of it. I pray for you that this is just an innocent misunderstanding. A small peice of advice...don't freak out on him, he will just get defensive and tell you that you are crazy. Talk to him rationally, women have great intuition, you will know if he is being truthful. Good luck!

Do you have a maid or any other female that could have been there legitimately? And think about if there has been any distance between you emotionally. Your best bet is to come right out and ask. Don't accuse, just ask matter of factly, "Do you have any idea where this came from?" Good luck, I know it is so hard to do.

D.,

I agree w/ others- if you're first thought went to cheating- he may be, but I would also say- your marriage needs some work 9-1-1! I don't believe that all men cheat at some time or another, but I think many may have good reason to. We ignore them & don't express our love for them & wonder why they don't reciprocate. We spend more time on our kids' activities, than making sure we have regular date nights to reconnect as a couple. I'd make some time NOW to get serious about fixing this marriage, if you really love him & want to keep him.

Good luck!
D.

www.cheaters.com If you're seriously thinking he is cheating. That show comes on Saturday nights at 10:00. On the WB network. (I think?) Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you could replant it in the bed and when you two are going down for the night say, "ouch something stabbed me!" and then you find it in front of him and ask him what it is and see how he reacts!

The best advice I can give you is sit your husband down after dinner (and after you've gotten rid of the girls) and tell him that you found it in your bed and your uncomfortable about it. Tell him how you feel and try your hardest not to be confrontational about it. Also remember, innocent until proven guilty!

Ok I was married 10 years to a man who was cheating on me with my best friend and the whole time I was confiding in her...so take a deep breath and listen.
Don't discuss this with him. Don't accuse or speculate, just observe. The hardest thing to do and the best advice is just to continue as if all is normal. If you put him under a microscope you will not know for sure.
This could be an honest coincedence that you just found a stray hairpin but I know you really feel deep down something is wrong. So just observe what he is doing and wait. An affair is so hard to hide and it grows like a wild fire. There are dozens of signs that we choose to ignore but just go with your gut feelings.
Just whatever you do dont' confront him on this matter because he will just deny and probably call you the crazy one. Be smart about it and wait for the hard evidence...that's exactly what I did and I walked away with my dignity and my kids.

I would not assume he is cheating because you saw a hair, it could be someone else's hair that got stuck on you or your husband from a public place. Also, when others fill your head with non sense about men cheating and all men are dogs, you just cannot believe or listen to all of that. I will tell you this though...men are not smart and if he is cheating, you will find out. Does your husband have a history of cheating? Thier has to be a reason why you would think he would. I do not worry about my husband cheating because I pretty much know where he is at all times, he comes home to me every night and never goes out without me and the kids. I have been cheated on by past guy's and some of my jealous friends want to tell me it could happen again and I just laugh at them. Of course my husband can cheat, anyone is capable of anything but you have to have trust and if no trust is in your relationship, their has to be a reason why.

I am sorry your worried and work your tail off like you do. Just concentrate on being a Mom to your kids and if your husband messes things up, then you can react but I would not worry over something like a hair you found unless he has a history of cheating.

My reaction would be a bit more extreme; in my opinion, if you ask, he would just deny it and even make you feel guilty you doubted him. I would just either plant a hidden camera when I'm away for the weekend or just follow him whe he doesn't know.

It sounds crazy and "stalkerish" but I did it with an old boyfriend and found out he was cheating. I felt I was in an episode of cheaters minus the hair pulling and physical confrontation of course.

sorry I don't have better advice, but if he doesn't have anything to hide there is no harm done.

Did your kids have any friends over while you were away?
Perhaps the hair pin belongs to one of their friends? I don't know your house rules, but we don't allow the kids to play in our bedroom unless we are in there with them.
Maybe one of the girls does not want to fess up to being in there with a friend. They might have been messing with your things and don't want to get caught. So of course they would say they don't recognize it.
If you have older boys then maybe one of them was up to something in your room while you were away (I don't think I need to elaborate on this any).
I would ask which of your childrens friends visited while you were away before you jump to conclusions.
I also know that my kids get away with more when it's just dad and them at home. My DH is far more lenient than me. If he needs to run to the store for milk or another 'emergency' item he is far more likely to leave them alone (giving the oldest the responsibility to babysit for 15 minutes).
This, of course, leaves the kids a window to make trouble and invite nefarious friends over.

RPocai

Hi D.,
I know a lot of people say if you suspect something is happening, then it probably is, but I totally disagree. I think you can stress yourself out and psych yourself out so much that you convince yourself something is wrong when it really isn't. Just hang in there, and take care of yourself. I'm sure everything is fine.

Oh, D., this is a hard one. But I will say, you know the answer. You do. So what do you think? If when you first saw that barrette, you said, "he's cheating" - then you are probably right. But if you saw it and said, "whose is that? Don't think it's my daughter's - can't begin to think of who else - hmm...only one explanation" - well, then, probably not.

Cheating is always a symptom of something wrong in a marriage. (not wrong with YOU, don't think that, just in general, something's up in the marriage) Happy married people don't cheat. So, is your marriage in trouble? If you have that gut feeling, then you need to come to terms with that. It's okay. It doesn't mean you failed or any other such garbage. Heck, these days, it's a mircale to HAVE a happy marriage. But you do need to get to the bottom of it. Either he's cheating or you feel like he is, either way, that might signify some problems. And you can choose to approach this is in a myriad of ways...you can snoop around in email, cell phone, mileage logs, etc. to help validate your feelings, or you can just sit and talk to him. (both are good options - it depends on oyur personality) Yes, he is going to deny it no matter if true or not, but maybe from that conversation you can talk about the state of your relationship, which really at the end of the day is the whole goal.

There is always the slight chance that he is cheating and admits it when you ask, and then you've just got a whole can of worms to wrestle with. And there is always the chance that you'll continue through your day today kinda thinking about it and you'll realize that there truly is nothing going on, you were just trying to concoct a story to go with the weird appearance of a barrette.

Regardless what happens, if you just sit and listen to yourself, your own mind, you're going to know what is going on. We women are awesome at tricking ourselves and not listening to ourselves - I guess we think it will spare us some pain. But in the end, you need to listen to yourself. You'll find your answer. I wish you lots of luck - S.

looks like you got a lot of advice but you are going to do what you want in the end. I am suspicious by nature and can get quite possesive as well. My thoughts are if it doesn't look right it probably isn't right. There is an explanation for it, you just have to find it. I would do a little more investigation. Ask him what he did over that weekend nonchalantly, remember when you guys spoke on the phone what was it like, were the kids at home all weekend? I would not let him know you know yet just in case it is something big. Snoop! Snoop! Snoop! I know it sucks but if there is something going on there are more clues somewhere.

Sorry to hear that. I would probably go crazy.

I do have 3 thoughts or questions;
1) Do you have a maid? If she maid you bed it could have fell in. Did your daughters have friends over or other family over?

2) Could it be one of those new pins they use on new shirts that are folded? Some shirts have all those coller stays, plastic, paper and pins to hold the shirts shape when you buy it.

3) You said you were gone all weekend but you don't say if you were in and out running arrends, or out of town. If you were traveling, then could it have fallen out of your bag when you packed?

Hope you find the answer you are looking for.

TLee

I'd definitely pay closer attention.. and watch for any other signs. But you can't blow up about a stray hairpin. Make sure you have a better case, first.

Wow, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I'm paranoid by nature so I always think the worst, even though there may be a logical explanation. I agree about asking him first about it, but the crazy in me would probably go through EVERYTHING of his first to see if I could gather more 'evidence' to confront him with....that way I would be totally justified in my accusations. Make sense? Or if you found nothing, just let it go and just be watching him like a hawk.

One thing you could do, and it would pretty much be cut & dry is something I heard done on a radio station in LA (Kiss with Ryan Seacrest). A friend could call your hubby, disguised as a florist and say "Congrats John, you just won a dozen roses to be delivered to whoever you want, all we need to know is who do you want these sent to". If he says your name, you're good. If he doesn't...well you now have a name and the rest is up to you.

One thing I've heard that if you suspect your man is cheating, he probably is.

Let me know if you need anything...my dad cheated on my mom (I was 25 at the time) so this is something I'm familiar with, sadly enough.

And Julie, you're every mans' dream...to have a wife that won't care if he's getting it somewhere else just as long as it's not taking away money from the family. ARE YOU NUTS?! Are you in the marriage for love and commitment, or for the paycheck your hubby brings home?? Do you really not care if your husband, the father of your children, is sleeping with a host of women? Maybe your 'don't ask, don't tell' marriage works for you, but I think you're fooling yourself. Why get married in the first place?!?!

I think it's Human Nature to be suspicious, but I wouldn't drive yourself crazy. Personally I would not confront him, but just ask him nicely if he knows who the hair pin belongs to since it's not the girls. Open the channels of communication instead of being sneaky in trying to catch him in the act.

Then it sounds like you need to spare some time for yourself as well as time with your husband. Maybe a Spa treatment and even a night out with your husband.

If he's not helping with the kids, then maybe it's time you start asking for it. Most men will not offer unless they're approached and then they'll help out. Even maybe getting your kids to help you when you need it. Kids are amazing because in most cases they like helping out too. Espeically if you explain to them that you're tired and really need their help.

Good luck and hopefully things will work out. (try to stay calm)

Listen your gut reaction. I would not ask him any more about it, if he is indeed cheating it make him be more sneaky. Hopefully it's just a freak thing, but I would not dismiss it.

Keep in mind everyone who's had a cheating husband has thought "my husband would never do that"... no one gets married to a man who think they think would cheat.

The common questions - is he gone more than he used to be? - working late. Does he shower right when he gets home? Does he have a cell phone you don't ever see the phone record to? Has he changed his style? Does he get mad at your for what seems to be small things? (when a man does this he's justifying his actions).

Anyway, I hope it's just a weird freak hair pin, but don't dismiss it. No one who's been cheated on expected it.

I think you should just ask him. I would also keep in mind that it could have an innocent explanation. Have your daughters had any friends over that could have dropped it? Once you talk to your husband if you aren't satisfied with his explanation small kids are usually really honest without you needing to go into much detail. You may ask if there were any guest over the weekend and see what they say. Just keep in mind he could be innocent.

Hi D.,

I'm very sorry that you're having to deal with this. I've not ever caught a boyfriend or husband cheating before so I can't really relate exactly. I am very empathetic though and here's what I think I would do. I would put the hairpin in a very noticeable location. In my case, we have a wall unit head board so I would put it there so he could see it the next time he gets in bed. If seeing it makes him nervous, if he tries to explain it away or hide it, or makes up some weird story about where it came from, that would give me some clue about it's origins. Depending on how he responded, like if he asks me "Why is that there?", I would say something like "Oh, I found that in the bed this morning. I asked the girls if it was their's and they said no. Do you know where it came from?" There are a myriad of possibilities that could arise just from him seeing it before you say anything at all. If he doesn't even notice it, especially after a couple of days, then I would probably not say anything about it either.

Whatever happens with the hairpin, I would still be more diligent about going thru the bills, checking phone records/calls, emails, pants pockets and other surveillance methods just to be sure I didn't have any further evidence of something suspicious, but a hairpin does not a cheater make, at least not without further "proof", not in my opinion anyway.

I hope the hairpin is from a completely innocent source like a friend of one of your children or just something your husband stuck in his pocket that he found on the street behind his tire when he was leaving the parking lot one day. I wouldn't panic just yet. I'd do a little more investigating before I let my imagination go too far.

Good luck to you!

oh lord. he is cheating. doesn't really sound like you need him though. that might seem cold, but you work, AND take care of the kids. sometimes a husband just adds to all of the stress. be strong and kick him to the curb. any man that brings another woman into your bed is not worth "working through" things. don't second guess your suspicions either. he is guilty for sure. i am sorry you have to go throught this

Hi D.,
I am really sorry that this is 20 days late. ha ha
I am new to this group. :o) I just wanted to let you know I read your request.
First, I truely pray that you have figured out where the hair piece came from. And that it's not what you origianlly thought.
If not...the sad truth is, women really do have that whole "preminition" thing going on. Most likely, if you think he's cheating, he is. And that's really hard for me to say. I think it's the saddest thing that could be.
So he says it's Morally wrong? whatever happened to he loves you so much that he would never hurt You that way? And not to mention what it would do to your children.
The most I can say, and I wish it was more, or more comforting, but, just keep an eye on him. Like others have told you, when men are cheating, it becomes very difficult for them to hide.
I have delt with the same thing before. Only, it wasn't a hair piece that I found. It was emails. His own words. And more than one girl. He wa searching for a new one. And that'll hit ya like a ton of bricks. At the time I didn't know what to do. I felt I had invaded his privacy, because I looked through his emails. One thing it was hard to talk to him about it, because they were old. But when I found current ones, I knew it didn't matter that I had gone through his email. He could go through mine, and not find the same things. AT ALL. So, I was worried about what he would say just because I went into his email?? He was looking for someone to cheat on me with! It didn't matter what I had done, unless I cheated also. And I hadn't. I was the one trying to hold our relationship together. And it wasn't working.
Good luck D., I hope all works out for you. Will you do me a favor, and let me know how things have worked out for you? I will really be praying for you, your children, your husband, and your family as a whole. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I have been through this, and may can help, if things turn sour. (Or if they don't!)
A.~

It sounds to me like you need to slow down and priorotize your life. Cheating or not, it sounds like the marriage needs immediate Christain counsiling.
Remember, "having it out" with your husband tonight will not solve anything, it will only further the distance between you and your hubby. Even if he is cheating, no marriage it too far gone for Christ, even in the most hopeless situations.
Your situation will be in my prayers....

I had this problem before, a good friend of mine and my hubby get along really well so when she was in trouble I offered t have her live w/us, he is into video games & times were hectic so he started to ignore me. I suspected him to be cheating because I would wake up at 2 to feed our son and he'd be out there talking with her (our bedroom is right next to the upstairs livingroom). It drove me nuts but part of me didn't think it was really happening, I didnt think they were going into a relationship but I thought he was becoming interested in her. I just kept an ear to the ground and watched what he was doing for a while and I ended up confronting him on how I fealt and what I was seeing. We had a BIG talk and it turned out he wasn't, he was spending time w/her and hanging out but that was it.

Trust your instincts and search your heart, do you REALLY think he'd do that to you? when things are crazy sometimes you can neglect each other, if after a whi8le of observing you think he may be cheating, confront him about it! You and your Babies don't need a Daddy who is going to hurt their Mommy and set a bad example for the man they could be in the future, or could date in the future!

Julie you ARE nuts! If he is cheating on you it will affect your family life, Why did you get married if you don't care if he is with other women? Marriage is about Love and devotion. The don't ask don't tell doesn't work.. cuz the moment he tells you he is leaving you.. you will be ticked off and regret you ever let him chase skirts behind your back. Every woman deserves love, respect and devotion from their husband, and Likewise for the Men.

Best of Luck sweetie, I hope things work out for the best

First of all D. this is not going to go away in your head. It was found in your bed. Keep a low profile and keep invaginateing.

First of all, I think you may have had the feeling something isn't right before you found this hair pin. Maybe? Do things just not feel right between you and your husband? You will know if there is cheating going on. You may not want to admit it, but your gut feeling doesn't lie. Do not put it past anyone to cheat. And by him saying he wouldnt do it because of morals, what is that??? Sorry answer!!! Not to be so harsh and rude because I do know what you are going thru and I do feel for you and your children. Just please do not make excuses or try and talk yourself out of reality and the facts. I would just play it cool and keep your eyes open for hard evidence before doing anything drastic. But, like I said you will know if he is cheating. It is hard to admit, but you know. That feeling, gut feeling, is true and right!!!! what is your gut telling you? Your husband will "tell" you also, by his attitude and actions. Goodluck

Hey D.,

Sorry about what you're going through. I hope you get this situation resolved. I don't know what to say to you, except...just keep your guard up. Look for other signs. Check pockets, phone numbers on his cell, credit card statements, suspicious behavior.

It could be a hair pin that one of you picked up and forgot about. I don't know. Just look for the signs because I'm sure he wouldn't admit to anything.

You have four kids...so if you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your husband? Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis! No excuse to cheat, though!!!!

I hate to say this, but if you have a feeling that something is going on, you should heed your instincts. It won't be easy, but you should confront your husband and tell him how you feel. It is the only way to stay true to your self and to your children, who look up to you and will follow by your lead. Good Luck.

If you've never suspected him before and all you've found is a hairpin, I'd leave it alone. The hairpin could have come from ANYWHERE and easily gotten caught in the sheets when in the dryer. Now, if you find something more compromising such as odd credit card receipts from a hotel,etc...that is a different story. My Dad cheated on my Mom and my Grandfather cheated on my grandmother. My family is from Mexico City where it is perfectly acceptable for men to have mistresses so it is hard for me to believe in the "man who doesnt cheat". Personally, I think all men cheat at one time or another,they just don't all get caught. If your man is taking care of you and you're otherwise happy,then as awful as it sounds, I'd have to agree with Julie. Because all that will happen is you will confront him,find out he's cheating,fight, and then probably get divorced. There is no "getting past his cheating with talking or counseling" because it will always be at the back of your mind and you will begin to hord massive amounts of animosity. It will basically be one big mess where as everything was once peaceful and grand.
However, if youre marriage is already not the best and he doesnt help you with the kids,etc...then there is no reason to put up with his cheating(if he even is cheating) and I'd certainly confront him. Although, confronting him wont do much good anyway. He'll say he'll stop(but he probably won't) and you'll be at each other's throats every chance you get. So if he admits to cheating and you're already in a bad marriage, then its time to make serious changes,D.. And only you know to what degree of changes you are prepared to make. But in all honesty, if youre husband is a cheater,is no help with the kids,AND you have to work like a dog...WHAT IS HIS POINT for being there??? Its like having a car in the driveway that hasnt been driveable for years.

Hi D.,

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you know your husband better than anyone else and you know if he is capable of cheating or not. I truly beleive that men cheat weather they are happy in their marriage or not. Some men just want the sex. Thats all. Maybe it has no reflection on you. However, sometimes we have a pretty good idea that our marriages are in trouble and know it can lead this way. You know in your heart of hearts if he has changed, look back and figure out anything and everything that could point out to the obvious. Before you go and ask him or get angry make sure there is no other explanation for it, like someone else said maybe a friend of your girls, or a guest at your house could have left it a while back and it just resurfaced? The last thing you want to do is blame him if you are not sure.
I would definitely try to figure out what is going on before telling him, it's a fine line; But we have to be sharp now in days, very careful and smooth.
Good luck to you!!

I am so sorry D.,
The only advice I have is don't ever put someone on a pedestal. They will eventually fail in a major area and you will be devastated. Anyone is capable of anything. I have lived through it and no matter what you find out there can be restoration. I pray it is absolutely nothing and this just opens communication between the both of you. I'm not saying to never trust him, but don't be naive either. If your gut is telling you something.... then listen to it. Please. If you are defensive then he will be too. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Hi D.,
I'm so so sorry you have this on your already full plate...
Please know I'll be thinking of you in my prayers.
My thought is, is there ANY chance at all it could belong to a friend of one of your girls maybe?
You've probably already thought of that, but I thought I'd throw that idea in.
Hope you get to the bottom of it and that it's not what you suspect.
Take care,
K.

D.--

I'm not sure where to begin .. I'm really sorry to hear that you suspect your Hubby may be cheating. I can understand what your state of mind must be right now. I want to share a story with you but before I do that Let me just say that I think that it might be too early to confront your husband unless there are other things in the recent past that may have raised red flags (besides the hairpin).
The story I wanted to share is about my friend.
She is a SAHM of 2 kiddos and was married for 8 years. They were very happy. His job was very demanding and was out of town often. I remember thinking how lucky she was that her husband would call her all the time in the middle of the day to say he loved her or he would show up with random gifts "just because". I thought he was the sweetest guy. Little did I or she know that all these sweet gestures were motivated by GUILT not LOVE.
In their marriage, she never did the bills therefore never saw them so he was able to hide A LOT. Not to mention the credit card bill statements that he would easily hide because he would get them via electronic delivery. He essentially lived a DOUBLE life.... He had been cheating on her for 6 + years. His girlfriend of 1 year had her best friend call and blow the whistle on him. Which led to the demise of their marriage. Thank God she didn't wind up with any STD's or worse. I'll stop here. I think you get the idea. What I, as her friend took away from her experience is to be totally involved with all bills, ask questions and to be very vigilant.
GO over your bills and see if there are any charges that are out of the ordinary. I hope this helps you think things through.

Elaine

D.--

I know you must be feeling so incredibly bad. I think since you don't have any really substantial proof--as someone else said, there are lots of ways the hair clip could have gotten there--it's not necessarily true that he's cheating.

But if you are feeling this way there is something wrong anyway. Let him know that you're feeling bad & you really feel that the two of you need to work on your marriage together. Let him know that you sometimes feel jealous, and although you don't know if that's founded or not, you know that you can't have a healthy marriage if you're feeling that way.

Then, I think you should look into couples therapy. My husband and I did it with a counselor we contacted through our church. We went during our lunch hours for a few sessions to work out a few things. It really helped. We learned better ways to communicate that we still use. At the time, it seemed like we wouldn't learn anything we didn't already know, but it really did help to have a knowledgeable third party to guide us and give us some perspective. Even if it's hard for you to afford, if you find a counselor through your church, they may work on a sliding scale.

Saving your marriage is worth it. If you really love each other, you can work through things you never thought possible. Forget about dinner or jewelry or flowers for V-Day...spend the money on fixing your relationship. That's so much more important!

I do have to say, though, that I TOTALLY disagree with the women who are saying you should just put up with it because that's what men do. Most men may cheat, but that doesn't mean they chronically cheat. If your husband is cheating--I say you can forgive him if he reforms and is truly repentent--ONCE. You don't have to keep your mouth shut & let him sleep around because "he's a man & that's what they do." That's ridiculous. He is a MAN not an ANIMAL.

Good luck!

--J.

D.,

Follow your instinct. If the hairpin does not belong to your or your daughters, and you were gone all weekend, you deserve the answer to who does the hairpin belong. If he gets mad because you ask, tough. You deserve the answer to your question. If you do not ask, it will continue to drive you nuts until you blow up.

G.

Hi, sorry to hear that this is the only advice i can give you is, if your husband is cheating god will reveal it to you in time all things done in the dark will come to light so don't start an arguement with him just ask him if he know where the hair pin came from and if he says no then just let it rest if it's for you to know you will.IF HE KNOWS THAT YOU TRUST HIM THEN KEEP IT THAT WAY AND HE WILL SLIP UP MEN ALWAYS MAKE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE THEY ARE NOT THAT SMART.LOL
SO JUST CHILL AND WAIT ON GOD.

D., I'm sorry you are going through this, the only thing I can tell you is to think about your feelings and actions once you know the truth.
It could be that he is cheating and he confess or he doesnt confess but you find out later (you'll ALWAYS find out)...Then?what are you going to do afterwards?. Are you willing to work it out? fix it for the sake of your family?
Or it could be that this is just a misunderstanding and there is a perfectly good explanation for the hair pin. Then you will have to honor your doubts in the first place and acknowledge the fact that you doubted your husband. Obviously there are things to work there too.

Cheating and doubt are not the end of the world and certainly does not have to be the end of a marriage if both are honest and willing to fix things up.

Clear your mind and your heart. Approach this calm, cool and collected (it's not easy but not impossible). You have to think of your family first and decide what you are willing to do in either scenario to fix the problems you are being faced with.

They say that you can tell how a couple will evolve by the way they resolve issues. Do not get cought in the hidden camera-inquisition kind of frenziness, it will hurt you more than do any good.

If you have something worth fighting for then do it, if you find out you don't then don't put up with any of that.

Best of luck.

A.

I would point blank ask him if he knows where it came from and judge his reaction as unbiased as possible ( I know that must be hard).. . I hope things work out for you and regardless of what happens with your husband, just take super good care of yourself and your girls will love you for it and grow up to do the same. . . best wishes for you and your girls (I have two girls of my own)

Girl,... this is so not good. Men will lie through their teeth not to get caught. Did the girls go somewhere that weekend so that they were not there? I'm sorry this is happening to you, but..... Is there a possibility that the hairpin fell off a doll or out of new clothes or any other explanation? I didn't think women used those things any more. Seems odd, but before you blow a gasket, make sure there is not some other explanation for it.
Sorry T.

Hello D.! I know this is going to be the hardest thing for you to hear, but if it's not your and it's not your daughters then it has to be another woman's. If your husband is going to do something like that to you then he does not deserve you in the least bit. And if I were you I would be worried about what he is bringing around your kids... and kids are smarter then we think sometimes and can figure out things we never would think they can. Yes it will be hard to confront him about it, but I sure as heck would! Good luck! You can always write back if you need someone to talk to... my life is much like yours... busy busy busy!!

D. go with your heart. None of us know your situation. We can all give advice, shoulder to lean on, a hug and a smile. In the end its you and him. Stand tall and face the questions ahead of you. This is not only for you but for your girls. Women are only worth the price we choose to ask for. You sound like your worth a million + for your kids - are worth that to your husbands eyes? to your eyes?

Julie - I'm shocked by your answer and hope that your husband is not cheating because if he is you just gave permission.

catch him by letting him think you know, Tell him some girl called and wanted her things back from the weekend and does he know what she is talking about, could it be the things you found in your bed? Let him know you will call her back to get more details if need be, be certain she did not have the wrong number. Tell him she discribed everything in your house.

He will be so shocked you know and tell on himself. works like a charm, if you want to face it and know the truth

Amen to Katya!! I can't believe the amount of women who say that being unfaithful is okay! Women deserve better than that! It is not okay and never has been. Where are your moral values? D. you will be in my prayers.

I am sorry you are going thru this, try to stay calm and make sure before you jump to conclusions.
I will pray for the best for you and your family.

#1 It is great you turned to everyone about this situation; however, remember this that whatever actions you take ....only you have to live witht he consequences. This applys to all things in life. Some may say leave him, don't ask if you really don't want to know, etc..

#2. I personally believe that if I am gone for the weekend and someones hairpin is in my bed then ..it did not get there by osmosis... and why is there a problem asking my husband. I am sure if he found a pocketknife in our bed... he would wonder and ask where it came from etc...

#3. You can not ask someone else or your husband to respect you if you do not respect yourself through your actions.

#4. If he is cheating on you that is not HIS business only ... nor can you afford to wait because the diseases passed on by those who sleep around do not wait for you to find out if he is or is not cheating.

#5.How old are your kids...did he have someone over after the lil ones were in bed?

#6.If you have teenage kids... it may have been them with other kids in the room but one thing is for sure.... that pin belongs to someone and if it does not belong to your girls or they did not have friends over... then the fact remains... there was someone in your bed ...plain and simple and you are not going to tell me your husband does not know who it belongs to....

#7. Life is too short to live in that manner...and as for no help with the kids. Make a list of what things need to be done and tell him this is what I will be doing in the morning and this is what you will be doing. # 1... he does not help, then I would not be doing, folding or putting away any of his laundry, cooking for him, bringing the salt etc.... wake up you both made the kids ...it is both your responsibility and he doesn't do anything for the kids...cause you act like superwoman.. that in itself tells alot about how little respect he has for you and his kids...that is also known as being selfish and ...that does not equal love.

#8. Take care of you and your kids FIRST. Dont' ask him what he can or will do... just tell him effective Monday you will be doing this and I will be doing that ... because I can not carry the full load by myself... and that means he needs to get up earlier etc or prepare the things at night for the kids or do dishes, etc..

#9. Talk, pray and try to get your life in order...but even our Lord Jesus Christ makes the exception that women can leave a man that is commiting adultry.. ...am not advocating divorce or any such thing.. but am saying look at all aspects of your life... and don't allow religion or someone else to tell you what to do... listen, read etc.. for input but in the end you have to live with the consequences of your choices.. I will not be there to pay your bills.

#10...one last word of advice... if you ever plan to leave this man cause you don't have a good marriage... prepare for it... otherwise you will be out in the cold... set money aside ... I speak from experience as my pride got the better of me and I just up and left ... and guess what...I listend and did what everyone else thought I should do.. but they were not there to even console me the day of my divorce or to help pay my bills..

#11. Ask him right out and just don't do it in an accusing manner..but don't be naive about it either ... Tell him you found this pin in the bed and you are wondering does he know where it came from... ask him when he is looking right at you...eye to eye....

#12... something I find very helpful in just dealing with life...is the God Calling book at http://www.twolisteners.org you will find this inspirational site most helpful to get your through life's daily toils, joys and challenges.

Eb

Hi D.,
I can't really give you any advice on the cheating. But if you'd like a little help with the crazy hectic part of your life may I suggest a great site run by a woman who's been through just about all of it! www.flylady.net She has helped me with quite a lot of the craziness in my life.
I wish you the best of outcomes in your current situation. Just remember anger breeds anger. So, when/if you talk to him about it, be calm. You'll know best how to handle this, just sit down for a few minutes of quiet time and think things through.
Also, be honest with your husband about feeling like you don't get enough help. Make a list of things he could possibly help you out with. I know from expirience that you can be running yourself ragged, wishing he'd do something to help you out, but when they actually ask you how they can help your mind goes blank. Give him a chance.

HI D.,

If your first thought was "cheating", then you have got some major problems with your marriage; however it wasn't...........soooo my answer is going to be different than everyone else's!!

Please, please before you go off running doing this or that, if you have 2 little girls, how old are they and do they attend school? Also, do they have play-mates? Do your kids often get in your bed? Do their play-mates play in your bedroom.........

Also, I don't have girls, but my son comes home periodically with someone else's things............. girls tend to either lose or drop their hair pins and a teacher could have found it and ask your girls is this yours? And they could have put it back in their hair........there are so many explanations for "the hair pin" instead of what you are thinking......so check that out first before going off the deep end...

Men usually become very loving, sweet and affectionate towards their wifes when they are cheating....out of guilt and other emotions.... They also begin watching their weight, wearing nicer clothes, smelling good, taking better care of themselves just like they were when you were dating them...things of that nature....

Yes, CC statements & bills will also indicate extracurricular activities, but just other things usually point to that...

Just check other things out before jumping the gun.

Good Luck,

Gladys

D.,

None of us can tell you what's right for you in this particular case. I have to say (judgemental or not) that I am apalled at what Julie said. It DOES matter if your husband or you are cheating. You both gave vows, and if it didn't matter, than you wouldn't have married one another. That's what marriage is.

You just have to be careful because if he's not cheating and you go full force at him, then there will be another set of problems in the marriage. You may even want to just have the pin out in plain view of you and himself (maybe even right near something that he has to use daily). See if he says anything about it, or if it somehow "disappears." That could give you clues. It's something that you do need to know, though, or it will eat at you.

I will pray that you find the right way to talk to your husband. I will also pray that this is somehow a mistake. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. If you need an ear/shoulder/whatever, don't hesitate to send a message my way. I'll give you my number if you'd like. No matter what the outcome, don't seclude yourself from friends. I consider everybody on here a friend, and I hope you do the same. We are all here for you in any way. God bless you and your family. <><

I'm not in your shoes but I can empathize with your situation. I never thought my ex would cheat on me even though our marriage was not so great. He was never home, when he was he didn't do anything, plus I worked 50+ hours a week also. I did find out that he cheated on me. He lied repeatedly about it, then said it was once, but I know better. I hope you find that this isn't the case b/c I wouldn't wish that on anyone! No matter how bad things are, it still hurts more than you can imagine. If you need someone to talk to, my email is ____@____.com.

No wife (or husband) should have to go through what you're going though. If you want to find out more information about your husband I would check the cell phone record, I would check the ATM records...not only is he withdrawing more money but also where is he making his withdrawls from. What part of town is he at and what time of day. All this information comes out in the computer bank record. This is easily accesible if you do any banking online. This will give you clues. I would also drop in on him at work unexpectadly and just see how he reacts. Are you close to any of his friends, close enough to ask share with them you suspicions? Any neighbours you're close enough that could give you basic info, like any strange cars parked infront of your home (you don't have to disclose details).
Has his attitude changed towards you? Is he more easily irritated? Has he withdrawn from you in any way? (these are all rehtorical questions for you to ask yourself)
I know this sounds so "sneeky", but this is your husband and you have the absolute right to know if he's cheating on you or not...bottom line. I sincerely hope that he is not, that it's just a big misunderstanding. I know you want to believe the best of him, but it doesn't hurt to do a little investigating for your own piece of mind. You take care and surround yourself with people who can support you and help you think clearly through this time.

I know I'm chiming in a little late, too. Trust your gut. Not your heart, not even your head. What does your gut do when you think about it? No, it's never a good time to face this issue, but you must face the truth, whatever it is. The truth will set you free. Many times men will set up a situation just "trying" to get caught...hire a PI if you don't have the time to track him--it won't take but a few days to know. Then, you can make some hard decisions. There are many, many marriages actually saved & become stronger after an affair. There are lots of websites to check out--here's just one: http://www.aftertheaffair.net/ Good luck to you, dear, and whatever you do, don't be a victim & go blaming yourself.