Married 6 Almost 7 Yrs and on the Verge of Divorce! Should It Be This Hard?

I have a sister like you. She is angry at many things, she attacks and creates more situations that are problems and she doesn't forgive. And continues a vicious cycle. The difference between you and her: you accept responsibility for it and I applaud you.You are only venting, but I am advising anyway. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And I have a hunch you have more baggage going on in there, too and he is reaping the rewards of that also. Get spiritual. If you can't afford counseling, or don't have a church, call places like AlAnon, and get some group support. It sounds like you don't want him to leave, but well, you said so yourself, sounds like you are being emotionally abusive and that really hurts.Now if you are really excusing him for being a phenomenal jerk and blaming yourself that is a different story. Only you know for sure. Good luck.

Please get couseling for yourself.
Also get the book The 5 Love Languages, have him read it too and find out what fills your "tanks".
You present him as a caring, loving man who sincerely want to try.

Change doesn't happen in one day. Go easy on yourself. Do one thing that will make him happy this week. Or promise yourself that when he says x,y,z that you will respond differently than you have before. Only you can change you.

Good luck

A.:

Arguing in a marriage is normal - but every day is not. I'm sorry this is your life...you are right - we cannot change it for you...only you can do that...

No one can tell you when it's time to leave but you - you have to make the decision if you are better off with or without him...

It sounds like you two need counseling - it sounds like you have fundamental differences in the way a marriage should be - you value fidelity - he believes in free spirit....

Being abusive to him is NOT the answer...you are hurt..got it..and understand that...when my ex cheated on me after 1 year of marriage I was thunderstruck and beyond hurt....but holding his mistakes over him and constantly wondering and checking in with him? didn't help either....

You two NEED to learn how to communicate with each other...that means counseling...you BOTH have to want this to work...you both need to learn how to put the past behind you and LEARN from it - not hold it over each other's heads....I can tell you that holding it over the other's head? shows you have no trust....how do you rebuild that trust? you COMMUNICATE - not argue - COMMUNICATE...

I hope you find a wonderful therapist and are able to salvage your marriage and have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

If you want to change the way you think and speak to people you need to spend a lot of time with Joyce Meyer. I mean get her tapes, books, listen and get her downloaded on MP3 player. But also Kenneth Copeland and his wife, and many other good preachers that will talk about walking in love.

But it does take two. My question for him is, What has he done to make the cheating up to you? Has he worked to make you feel comfortable and be able to trust him?

We have had a spirit of bickering in my family for as long as I remember and we both come from a very bad set of circumstances as children. We've struggled and still do. Over the last 10 months I have dived back into the word of God head first, putting the word and the Lord and prayer first in all things. It's helped only moderately. I can't change anyone else and my own mouth is still my biggest problem. But I see glimmers of hope a long the way and my thinking is changing. We can't give up.

Joyce Meyer has a new book out called, "Never Give Up". I downloaded it on MP3 player from audible.com.

I know you are not looking for advice. But take it from someone that knows, marriage is this hard and it will remain this hard unless or until the both of you learn how to love the way God intends. It's simple and hard all at the same time. Love is all about giving to others without expecting anything in return. It's about overlooking faults and not bringing up past hurts. It's about putting them first at all times and not seeking our own.

I've really struggled with the idea of not seeking my own needs and desires because it seems counter intuitive to spend a lot of time in he Word of God when I'm trying to put other people first. But we have to fill up before we can get any place. No one can drive on empty.

Leaving the marriage is easy. Staying to work it out is the hard part. I agree with most of what everyone else said. You really should seek counseling and both work hard to make it work. It's not all your fault or his fault. In my opinion communication is the main issue here. Something happened to cause him to want to cheat in the first place. Not that it's your fault but that you both weren't communicating properly at that time. It's a very hard thing to overcome but it can be done. He just needs to understand that you are dealing with a lot right now. And you need to express yourself in a calm setting rather than just being argumentative because you can't get over the hurt he's caused you. Marriage is hard but it should also bring you happiness. Just try to get to the root of things with a 3rd party impartial person. And then after that it may still take years. But if you really want to save it for yourself and your children then it's worth it to try. Especially since he is a great father. It would be a completely different story if he wasn't. Good luck. My husband and I just made it to 10 years after his affair during year 5. I can't say that I don't still think about it but I do try to communicate with him when I feel either of us slipping away. I do trust him I just don't want to fall in to old habits. A good church and friends also helps.

Even if he's gone, if you divorce him, you'll still be angry, plus you'll have less money. You'll be alone a lot, no one else will take the trash out, and your kids won't get all your jokes for many years. I think it will be lonely. Right now, you have a husband who wants to be happy and peaceful, with you.

Your kids are watching and listening and learning about love and relationships. Show them it can be good again. Wouldn't it be great to look back one day and realize that you summoned up forgiveness and sweetness, and saved your family?

Some people say, Stay, and they mean, stay till your kids are 18, while punishing your husband daily for his affair, then bail. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, stay, make it good, change your thoughts. Start with the fact that he's a great father, and love that in him. Go from there.

http://www.caringformarriage.org/ is a website where you can sign up for a daily newsletter called Marriage Moats. You might find it helpful.

I'm sorry you are going through this. How brave of you to come on here and ask for advice. Obviously you want things to get better, that's the first step. Please, take the time and spend the money to get some counceling and stick with it. Good luck to you!

I have been with my husband for almost 12yrs, married 5yrs now. I am in my 2nd marriage and have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to cheating - the cheater and the cheated on. I cheated on my 1st husband multiple times and it took a very long time for me to learn what it was about me that made me cheat. Someone said cheating is a symptom, not the problem and it's such an statement. When my now husband cheated on me, also several times, I stayed because I knew there was a better person behind that. The cheating had nothing to do with me - that does not mean it didn't hurt!! I married at 19 and already had a son in my first marriage. I was not prepared for being a mother or a wife - nor was my husband prepared for it. I require a lot of love and admiration from my partner and often times I was being "neglected" in my 1st marriage. So I went else where looking for that "love and admiration" - when really I was destroying more and more of my self respect. I didn't feel I was worthy of being cherished. It also took a long time for my 2nd husband to recognize why he cheated on me. Long story short was that he didn't feel worthy of being cherished either and was on a constant path of destroying our relationship to prove that point. We have been married 5yrs now and have 2 kids with a 3rd on the way. I know that he has not and never will cheat on me again. I trust him with everything, literally because I'm also a stay at home mom.

My point is that you both have to understand why he cheated, you have to be able to forgive him. This does not mean forget it happened - I will never forget, and sometimes those ugly feelings of distrust come back and I just have to speak up. And it's been 7-8yrs since he last cheated on me. Your husband has to take responsibility to for your backlash at him. He hurt you in so many ways. My husband now knows that when my stuff comes back up he still has to take responsibility for it - even though it was years ago! I never throw it in his face but we have even run into one of the exes. You can't help the feelings you have but you can't ignore them and neither can he. I really am amazed that you stayed with him but completely understand. You also have to really look at why you are staying with him. Is it for your family, kids, friends etc? Or is it because you do still love him. I never stopped loving my now husband - oh I hated him at times but could not stop loving him. I didn't stay for what could be or what should be.

Counseling would be the best place for you both to start. Separately and together maybe. You each have a lot to work through to make things work. You each have to learn how to talk to each other again. He has to take responsibility for the pain he's caused you. It sounds like you are prepared for taking responsibility for the way you treat him now. He broke you and lost your trust and respect. He has to help fix you and earn your respect back. Good luck.

Hypno therepy is my suggestion for saving YOU ... it sounds like your husband needs you to save YOU before you can save your marriage and that needs to happen ASAP. I have been to hypnotherepy on a few occasions and it is the most effective form of therepy I have been to, as a child it helped me thru my parent's divorce and when I lost a child it helped me thru that much faster and with less heartache than when I tried convetional therepy. You get to the root of the problem right away instead of talking it to death so it no longer makes you feel anything about it. So, in short find a hypnotherepist (insurance covers that these days) and get YOURSELF help before you loose something you may really miss, you!

Marriages are HARD, but worth fighting for! Have you guys gotten any professional help?

Okay, just because he cheated does not mean you can't love him and work on it. My husband cheated on me before we were married, I found out after, and we are in a similary boat...we'll hit our 7 years in October. Some days are more challenging than others. And I think I disagree with some mama's. You do need to change (pot calling the kettle black here). If you or I are going to be truly happy in our marriage, we need to decide if we are going to forgive and move on, or not and leave. There really is no successful middle ground. Therapy for you (and me) on your own would be a good starting point. Then bring him in to it and work on it there. But if you (me) can't let go of the past, then it will always be there. Do you love him? Do you WANT to be with him? If so, then work on it. If no, then look at other options. But I dont advocate or suggest just leaving because of what he did. Decide what YOU want and go from there.

It sounds like he is really trying, but that you are understandably hurt and can't get past it. I think that if you want to save the marriage it would be a good idea for you to go to counseling for help in dealing with it all.
Best wishes =o)

To me it seems you're making really great strides in the fact that you are recognizing problems, even yours. I have also been married 6 going on 7 years,our kids are almost 4 and almost 2, and I often feel like my husband and I argue about the same things over and over (we don't argue every day, but still we argue). I also sometimes find myself being really mean to him when he's the easy going one. We are not near divorce at all, but some of what you write rings true to me as well. I've had to make changes in myself to make things better. I realized that the my approach was completely inappropriate. Most of it I did on my own, but lately I've been considering counseling for myself, just to keep me on the right track and keep my snarkiness in check. So, my point is, if you want to work it out then do. I don't think your wrong or crazy for staying with him after he cheated, but now you really have to focus on your anger from that and what you're going to do about it. Even if you do get divorced, that anger will not magically disappear so you will need a plan. Hang in there. Marriage is hard. Marriage with 2 small children is really hard. No matter what you decide, counseling (together or separate) is a good idea.

No, it shouldn't be that hard. I tried for 17 years to save a bad marriage, nearly split at the same time you did (the 6 year mark), stayed and toughed it out, did counseling, had a child, etc., and I've finally thrown in the towel. It took seeing my husband be snippy and mean to our child, making her cry over the smallest, stupidest thing ever, for me to decide to leave. And once I decided that, I found such peace. We're still going through our divorce, still living in the same house (though different rooms) while I look for a place, and I can't get over how happy I am. Even my child seems happier, which is probably because 1) there's less tension, and 2) my husband is finally being a good dad now that he knows he won't have her around all the time. He's so much more patient with her and interested in her now. I know the actual moving out part will be hard for her, but she'll be back at this house nearly half the time, and I've told her she will have two houses of her own instead of just one. For all his many faults, I think my husband will do his best to make it a smooth transition for her, too. It's funny--we had a minor spat last night because I was busy with something and couldn't walk away fast enough before I got sucked in, and as unpleasant as that was, it reminded me of how every single day used to be like that. He would get home, and if the house was spotless, he'd complain about dinner ("did you use unusual spices in this?" to let me know he didn't like it). If dinner was great, he'd complain about the bed being rumpled and not perfectly smooth. Or he'd fuss at our daughter to put her toys away even if she was still playing with them. It was nuts. I've spared myself a few months of that insanity since I filed for divorce, and the peace has been so welcome and healing.

Anyway, right now you and your husband are not good for each other or your kids. Fix it and stay, don't fix it and leave, but do something. I'm glad I stayed longer, if only so I could have my wonderful daughter, and it's nice to know I really did give the marriage the ol' college try, but those extra years did take a toll on me. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.

He wants to be happy, so what is he doing about that? I understand no-one can live in a toxic environment, but really what he did was beyond awful. So step one, is forgiveness on your part. Doesn't mean you even feel it, just means initially as an act of your will you forgive him. Everyday, every hour if need be. You can even say "I forgive him for cheating" out loud if need be. Sometimes you have do what's right and the feelings come. Whether or not you guys stay together, you will still have to forgive to be ok emotionally yourself. Step 2, I also vote for some counseling. This is serious business and seems to be that you guys need some outside help to work it out. I don't know what he has done to reassure you or help you to heal from his breach of vows, but obviously it hasn't worked, so more help is needed. It's like the house is on fire and he is worried about a tiny picture on the wall but it's the people inside who need saving. His emotions have value but right now we need to work on massive damage control to salvage what is left. I think he needs to readjust his view here and you have to decide if you can do this ultimately and decide if your marriage working is more important even than your right to be hurt. So hard, not trying to minimize here at all only say that if you don't both throw everything in and let go of your grievances, I don't think it will work out. I really encourage you to get help. If he won't, well then you may have to face an answer you don't want. I truly wish you the best and I hope it all works out. Hang in there!!

I agree with what everyone here has said about seeking counseling and working on the marriage, but, if you do end up separating in the end, I have some advice:

I see so many couples go through bitter bitter divorces, and so many fathers losing so much of their relationships with their children, merely because that's the way it's usually done. Kids stay with mom, see Dad every other weekend, or something like that. And the kids suffer. You say your husband is a GREAT father. Please, for your kids sakes, make sure you both stay grownups about this and make custody all about them -- Split custody as much as you can, and make sure you still work together as parents. This is so very hard at the beginning, when you're hurt, and all you want is to not deal with your ex -- trust me, I know. But, it's so worth all the hard work -- your children will know that you both love them, and that's it's okay to love both of you, and that they will never have to choose which one of you they want at an important event. They'll stay close with both of you. And, it will get easier. Now, 9 years after my ex and I first separated, we sat and chat with each other an our son at family night at our son's camp last night, with me holding his 1yo baby and snuggling her, while his wife was with their toddler and my husband was off with my younger 2 children. Our son was able to have his whole family together, and while I wouldn't call us friends really, we are all getting along. I cannot begin to describe the difference that this has made in our son's life. So please, although it will hurt to miss all that time with them, if you don't end up together, let him continue to really be their father.

Just a thought... He obviously isn't happy and neither are you. At some point you have to weigh-out the value of having an "intact" family against the impact of living in anger, mistrust and abusive language on eachother and your children.

Remember too, that he can be a great father living a mile away with joint custody.

Counseling for you is a good idea, but while you are working on yourself it may be best to separate for a while.

Sorry that this has hit you like this. The first thing that you need to know is that cheating is a symptom, not the problem. Maybe your husabnd is a jerk; maybe he was dealing with some issue that had nothing to do with you; maybe he has a problem communicating within your marriage (for whatever reason). You can't understand why until you REALLY address it. However that falls, you are not a victim, and I am not one who is thinking, "Why is she even with him?" You are each part of the problem, and you need to get some counseling so you can figure out how to move forward in a healthy way.

Keep in mind that part of being great parents is treating each other with respect and care.

I'm really sorry you are hurting and struggling as a family and an individual.

Get into counseling, both for yourself individually, and for the two of you as a couple. A good counselor can really help.

Pick fun things to do, and set aside the worries/struggles: If you like movies, pick a movie & go out. Go take a walk with him. If you are prone to fighting at home, behind closed doors, go do something fun/enjoyable for the two of you together in public.

But counseling is really the best way to learn to change your behavior and deal with your unhealed hurts.

(hugs)

So you are willing to stay for the sake of the kids?
All the arguing that happens they see every day - they will think this is what normal should look like.
Eventually they will find out Dad is cheating on Mom and they will think this is normal, too.
What kids see as they grow up will color their relationships for the rest of their lives.
You deserve better and so do your kids.
It might be better to be a single Mom for awhile and when you get to the point where you don't feel you need a man, a good one will come around who will value your strength.
It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

So, he's a great father & easy going, but nothing else? What else is he bringing to the table? He can be a great father, whether or not you are together. My philosophy is that kids are better off with 2, separated, happy parents than living in a house with 2, married, unhappy parents.

He cheated on you, neither of you are happy, & is now making you feel guilty for being bitter. No one "killed his spirit", he did that by cheating on his family. You both have issues to deal with. I think you both could benefit from talking to a 3rd party, both together & separately.

Please think of what living in a miserable household is doing to your kids, yourself, and even your DH. You all deserve to be happy, whether that's separate or together. Your kids sense the stress & unhappiness, and are absorbing it all right now. They are little sponges, taking in the examples they are being presented with.

I know only you can make the ultimate decision. I wish you luck.

I want to suggest checking out this site. Both of you can use the site since there is a section for the wayward spouse even if he is no longer cheating.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
Also marriage counseling will help you both.

So is it your weaknesses that led him to cheat? I'm unsure if I'm understanding this clearly.
You might at least try some counselling. You have issues. What brought you together in the first place? You could try to rekindle that.
I would be worried about his cheating for half your marriage. Is stopping his cheating a deal breaker or is he putting all the blame on you for killing his spirit?Have you shared some of these thoughts with him?
Sounds like both need to make some changes, really.

How can your husband just expect you to forgive and forget an almost FOUR YEAR AFFAIR?!?! I'd be pretty dang abusive verbally and giving him the cold shoulder too - IF I stayed... I wouldn't have stayed, no matter how good a Father he tries to be. He isn't a good husband PERIOD. Cyber cheating I could handle, but an actual physical and emotional affair - NO - absolute deal breaker.

Your husband needs a reality check. He betrayed the very basic aspects of marriage and ripped out your heart and your ability to trust him with his one selfish choice. He's the one who's ruined the marriage and simply saying sorry just doesn't cut it. He needs to stop making it seem as tho your feelings about the issue is tearing the marriage apart - if he hadn't cheated, things would have most likely been much much better.

I'd go to individual counseling for a few months, then once you reach some headway - get marriage counseling together. It's obvious you want to stay - so this may be the only way.

i agree fully with dawn! he cheated on you and you have to change??? that;s crazy!!! you need to get away from this control clown and if he is the great father that you say he is he can still be a great father without having to be married to you!