Marriage Stuff

I have been married over 32 years, and all I can say is.... we both still have the same basic character flaws we had on day 1. He tends to be selfish, and I tend to be lazy. We work on it, and we do better at times, but he is still him, and I am still me.
If it's a character flaw you simply can't live with, what now? If it drives you nuts but you can live with it and get angry now and then, what now?

You HAVE to sit down and talk about THE issue that keeps coming up! It is the only way to resolve it. If you hope it will resolve itself over time you are mistaken...
It might even take professional help since as you stated you both might not be objective enough to work through it alone.
Instead of waiting for it- tackle it and get it out on the table!
Good luck

I've been married for 15 yr - now days that seems to be a long marriage... but I don't see it that way. I married when I was 17 and dropped out of high school soon after. But anyways... yes sometimes our fights end up being about other stuff & end up being what we haven't found a way of resolving. Some issues take a lot longer to resolve then others & sometimes they never really resolve themself. If his concern is you not listening - try to learn some listening skills & show him that you are trying... even if you attempt to listen & feel as if you are, but taking this step it may help he to see you do want to make things work & help fix his concerns. Which will then possibly bring him to want to fix your concerns & might help to resolve the issues that keep coming up in the "wars" you are having.

No couple - no matter how much they love eachother never fight. And some to the fights can be out right bad. Words can be more painful then actually being hit and sometimes are harder to over come. I understand feeling drained - there are time I feel that way for days after a big fight. Don't get me wrong - we have resolved a lot of things over the years - mainly w/ compromising. Over all we are a happy couple, we love eachother dearly & try not to hurt eachother in anyway, but sometimes that is easier said then done. We base everything in our lives on our family (our kids & us)... we are lower income & still find a way to make everything work.

Most of the people I went to high school w/ just found me again through Facebook & are suprised I'm still married after all this time. You can make it as long as you guys do remain friends as well as lovers & you find a way to talk to eachother & compromise. Marriage is work, just as raising kids are (actually the 2 hardest "jobs" I've ran into) & we all have bad days.

I hope you get to feeling better soon!!! So, you know he is most likely upset about it all as well - just might be really good at hiding it. Also, you might want to try talking about what you always end up fighting about when you guys are both level headed. Sometimes it's easier to resolve when your not already upset.

Good luck!

J.,
I would suggest you both go to see a counselor, and bring up to the table that one issue that it always seem to be what you end up at in your fights. Obviously, whatever it is, is not done with, it's not forgotten nor forgiven; and you both need to end it. You need to put an end to your torment and nail it on the butt. If you two can not sit by yourselves and work it out "talking" not fighting then you need intervention and the best way to go is with a counselor that won't take sides, rather help you both come to an agreement and resolution to your problem.
Best wishes.

If you avoid an issue and just dread it coming up when you fight, how will it ever get resolved? You have to be determined to work through it, even if it is unpleasant or you'll never get past it.

If you lay the ground rules: 1. We're working to get past it and 2. We are going to love each other through it and even 3. Let's hug the whole time we're talking, you might be able to resolve it without help. The problem is in step 2, when someone doesn't FEEL respected, whether it is an intentional slight from the other party or just a personal hang-up.

If you can't resolve it yourself, look in to counseling. If you don't, the resentment will build and break you over time. Best deal with it now.

Good luck.

;

I think there are two possibilities. One is that you sit down (when not fighting) and try to honestly work out the issue that comes up every time you do fight. You agree to remain calm, and try to see the other person's point of view, and to try to genuinely talk it through without anger. The second is that you sit down (when not fighting) and agree that this issue is never going to be resolved, that no matter how much you talk, you two will never see eye-to-eye, and agree without anger never to bring the subject up again. Then, if it does come up in a fight, one of you (probably you, since you're the one I'm advising) will have to be the bigger person and say, calmly, "We agreed this was a resolved/dead issue. This isn't really the reason we're fighting. Let's try to stay on topic." If the other party is truly respectful, he will either agree, or take a few minutes to calm down. This really works, although sometimes it takes a fight or two to get there! Good luck.

Sounds like you two are primed for an adventure in NVC (Non-Violent Communication). This is a fabulous process that my husb and I use to get to the bottom of our "issues," and every single close relationship develops issues. You can google those terms for more complete explanations, tips, examples, books and videos, but here's one application of the basic process that might fit your situation:

1. Listen respectfully, with your heart, to a criticism or angry comment from your DH, and observe/summarize what you believe he said. Use non-judgemental language. "I hear you worrying that I don't listen carefully when you express your own opinions about X. Am I "getting" you?" Be prepared to adjust your statement until you are saying something you can both agree upon.

That step alone could surprise you both: he might feel the unexpected satisfaction of your attentive listening. And his response toward you may suddenly be less insistent that you don't listen, because you just did.

2. Make an observation, and report your genuine feelings about it. Make sure you state feelings ("I feel mad, sad, glad when…") and not concepts (I feel you don't respect me / listen to me / care about me, when…"). Feelings just are, and are hard to argue with. Concepts are often a point of argument. (You will express the concepts in the next step, stated as needs. First, get real about your feelings. Example: "I have noticed that when I express a strong preference that's different from yours, you don't let me know that you heard my preference; you just tell me I didn't listen to you. When I hear that, I feel frustrated, and confused.")

3. Tell what needs of yours are going unmet, some of which might be: "You know, sweetheart, just like you, I need to be heard. Just like you, I have ideas that seem really good. I need us to find a way to support and respect the well-intentioned thoughts we do have. I want to learn how to avoid those arguments that really get us nowhere. I want to find a way to treat each other with warmth and caring, even when we disagree.

4. Make a request that is within your husband's reach. This might include: "I hope you will help me figure out how we can achieve that. Are you as exhausted as I am by those big arguments? I need your help in finding some common ground to build on. Would you be willing to learn and use a new set of ground rules when we feel an argument coming on?"

Obviously, I don't know the details well enough to give you a perfect script, which will, at best, come from what is best and strongest in you and arise from your particular conversation. And even if your husband thinks its not worth his while to use this new system, you can use it yourself to good effect. He may eventually pick up what is valuable and productive and start using the four steps himself. My husb and I use variations on this process almost automatically now, and almost all arguments stay small and get resolved peacefully. Good luck.

Hey, J.. My husand and I don't fight much, either; we are too busy having a ball. Of course, we've had our issues, some bigger than others. What works for us is to use this system:
1. Bring it up when we're not angry. We discuss it when we're each in a pretty light mood.
2. No accusations--just "This is how it makes me feel when you do this" or "Please help me to understand your thought process when you do this". I always want to understand where he is coming from so I can adjust my expectations; it's not fair to him for me to build expectations on unfounded assumptions. Also, I have to approach it with the assumption that he is not intending to hurt me.
3. Take a break from the argument. We all know when we've gone as far as we can go for the moment. I make my point and then step back. He hears me, even if I can't see it at first. I don't need to press and press. I have to back off and give him room to process it.
4. Make a deal on when to pick it back up, and behave lovingly toward each other in the meantime.

As you work through this, you'll notice the growth in your marriage. This particular issue will teach you how to fight, and that is a very valuable lesson for long-term marriage. Don't be afraid of it.

August will be my 4th year married also! I know what you mean about fighting about the same thing. Ours is mostly about religion! He wanted to know why I don't like to talk about religion with him.....well, I know we end up fighting. He told me the other day that he don't think anyone gets along as good as we do. And he mentioned he thinks we fight because we love eachother.....His mom and dad never fought he said and today they live in the same house and I can see why they don't fight, its because they never hardly talk to each other!

Hi, I agree you may need to see a therapist to learn to resolve it and learn how to argue without bringing up non-relevant issues. I know it may sound extreme to you to see a therapist after only 4 years of marriage but its so much easier to nip things in the bud before they escalate to bigger issues. My husband and I see a therapist once a year for a "tune up" just to keep us on track.

I think that your really need to talk about whatever the issue is that you always go back to. It sounds like you are both holding a grudge and you need to hash it out and agree that whatever the resolution, that that argument is done. If something else comes up in the same category, you can then discuss that, but you need to leave the past, and the resolved issues behind you.

You may need to involve a counselor to resolve this, but if you husband is willing for a frank conversation, you may be able to resolve it yourselves. Good luck.

my husband and i had the same problem. we rarely ever fight and when we do it's about something that didn't need to be fought about. when we first got married we would fight about something stupid and then it would end up about an ex boyfriend. now, i hadn't seen or talked to this guy for over 2-3yrs before i even got married! but always it was about him. anyways, my husband definitely would NEVER go to a therapist and i know that a lot of guys won't. too proud, embarrassed, etc. i felt the same way as you do, tired, mentally exhausted, scared to say anything that might "rock the boat". but one night we had a HUGE fight, and then when we both calmed down we talked about it and how it made me feel when we argued about something like that (bc it and the ex were long gone and gladly gotten rid of) and how it made him feel. and since (while we still argue sometimes) we have never argued about that again. so i would suggest to open up and tell him (as calmly as possible :)) how it makes you feel and let him tell you how it makes him feel, and see if you can go from there. don't place blame even if you feel it's his fault. don't call names, etc.

hth

Your post is vague but I hope this helps.

When there isn't a heated moment between the two of you schedule a time for serious conversation and just be upfront and honest with your husband about whatever this matter is and how you feel when you argue about it.

If the two of your can't talk about this "thing" open and upfront, this "thing" has the potential to wear and tear at your marriage until it becomes the big pink elephant in the room no one ever discusses because of what ever the reason but you all know it is there even the kids can sense its presence. This is not good at all.

Establish some ground rules for this conversation like no yelling, no talking over the other person and taking a pause to think before responding to what is being said. If the conversation gets heated, agree in advance to escuse yourself before you go to separate rooms for a time to think and clear your heads and try to talk some more. Sometimes it may take time to regain composure but in general try to establish a one hour time frame to cool down. This cool down time is to give you a chance to determine why you are so heated so that you can get to the real meat and potatoes of the matter. This will better prepare you for the conversation.

This strategy works for my relationship with my husband who I have known for over 20 years.

This will work if you both are willing to work at it. Your husband may not be ready, willing or able to have this kind of conversation with you. You may need to either get over it and develop a tougher skin or just walk away to show him just how serious this is with you. The choice is yours but I would definitely try to have this talk with him even if it ends up being a series of conversations.

I have been married for 20 yrs....and we just filed for a divorce and i am devasted however i have been unhappy for the past several yrs....and i finally understand after two yrs of going through the ups and downs what went wrong......communication.....oh my god.....if you know anything about "mirroring" that's what you need to do.....you sound like me and my husband ...fighting over and over, seems like the same issues....never gets anywhere....but we never learned HOW to communicate.....I would hear one thing and of course he'd hear something completely different....first of all, if you can get into counseling...it is a miracle to have in your life.....even when there's nothing wrong a therapist for the both of you to communicate and check in with each other is a great thing.....I was too late......that's the part that is killing me.....he has moved on and didn't even give us the chance after twenty yrs. we deserved....divorce is terrible...please either try this techique or get help.....mirroring is like this.....when you are talking to him....just say back to him what he just said to you.....If he said "why do you think you are always right? Say to him " So what you are saying to me is that you think that I believe that I am always right? That way he knows that you've HEARD him......always mirror the conversation....eventually it gets easier...and even at first you two may laugh but it really works.....please try it.....

Maybe check out some books on fair fighting techniques? Like non-violent communication. It's hard to listen when someone says "you always" or "never" or when negative labels are being used.

When we first got married I felt like I was arguing with a kindergartener at times (even though normally he is a caring and intelligent man). I would accuse him of "always" doing something, and then he would accuse me of being "mean" or would tell me I started it... Re-writing the script helped us move past some stuff.

I have to say I still sometimes get frustrated since it seems like we have the same fights over and over too, but at least we have learned to disagree less vehemently and less often.

Good luck!

Hy husband and I went to counselling and they can really give you some tools to help with this. (My husband was an abusive jerk, so none of it worked, but...)
It could be out of habit that you always revert to the same old issue, OR, it's something that's never been clearly resolved and one of you might not be able to replace a trash bag without it being brought back up again. Re-hashing the same old thing over and over actually happens to a lot of couples.
Our counselor was wonderful. He was about 173 years old (I'm exaggerating, obviously), but he was a very loving and wise man. He gave us exercises to put into practice. Everyone argues, but there are ways to do it effectively and there are ways to keep your arguments from escalating to the point where it's painful and gets carried around after the argument should be over.
Men and women are very different. Men tend to blow up and it's over and done, but we women aren't like that.
I think you should find a really good family counselor. You'd be surprised how many healthy and happy couples go just for a tune up now and then. It doesn't have to mean your marriage itself is in trouble, but they can help you get to the bottom of old resentments or give you tools to know when to stop an argument if it's going to get super ugly and come back to the discussion when things aren't so heated.
I have some really good friends.....
It's no secret the husband can't stand cats. He doesn't mind them, as long as he doesn't have to live with them. He doesn't like cat hair, he doesn't like them getting all over the furniture, he doesn't like a cat "toilet" in the house, he just can't stand the idea. Well, one day his wife brought TWO cats home. She didn't ask him first because she knew he'd say no, so...she just did it anyway. Cats almost ruined their marriage. Every little issue turned into an argument over the cats. It was either him being upset because she disrespected his feelings about cats or her not really wanting to argue about the subject at hand and thinking everything he said was deep down an attack about the cats. The cats were just the surface thing, something easy to blame or fight over instead of getting to the bottom of how they really felt.
I mention this because it could be the same with you and your husband.
Find somebody good to help you both with working through this.

I wish you the best!