Marriage Question - Los Angeles,CA

Date now! Get a sitter once every week or once every 2 weeks and get out of the house!

It takes awhile. I come from a very close knit family but I remember the change of really starting to consider my DH & DS my "family" on the first level. It kind of just happens.

as for feeling disconnected, don't confuse "life happening" to "disconnected"! Everyone is busy--just carve out that couple time a few times per month if you can. Good luck!

It might seem silly, but send text messages or email to each other telling how much you love each other. Can you meet me in the kitchen tonight, bedroom, whatever. Have fun making phone dates and keeping them. Maybe ask each other trivia questions about each other and see the response.

People constantly change, and kids and other life events speed that change up. Simply put, make time for you... a "date night" where you get a sitter and GO OUT and have fun - no kid talk etc... .just have fun!!! Maybe each take turns planning the night out.... it's tough, but you are right - so important!

My husband and i sit on the porch with a bottle of wine. We also like to sit around the firepit. When we do, we talk about everything. From childhood stories to fantasies...everything :) We have been together for 16 years and married for 14 (today!!)! As the kids get older it gets better. As the years go by it does also. I would say in the past year or so we have become very close. It is not always perfect but we are growing together and i love it.

I actually love our "date nights" in. Don't think that you always have to go out to make it fun. You can play games, take a hot bath together, we karaoke...lol!...all kinds of things. It will get better, don't worry. Have fun and enjoy each other when you can :)

Well this could have come out of my own mouth! Hahaha, hang in there. There are different seasons in marriage with kids, work etc. Marriage is work-it doesn't always come easy. My famous quote "i don't want to be living seperate lives".....while there has been highs and lows of feelings-things do get better. Make those date nights no matter how difficult it is.

Hi S S My husband and i were only together for one year before we got married and we have now been married for 29 years, has it always been a bed of roses? NO, every marriage goes through trials and struggles, especially when kids comes into the picture, for the men they are always working trying to provide for their family's and for us wives and moms, once the kids come, we are so busy with them that sometimes were not taking the times for ourselves and our husbands. As a wife of 29 years i'm here to tell you communication is a key factor in a marriage, we as women want out husband to know what we want, what we feel, what we need, the truth is if we don't tell them they don't know, so we go off dissapointed and sometimes discouraged .Spouses must make time for each other, my hussband and I try and go on at least 3 dates a month. sometimes he sets them up sometimes i do, we don't wait around for the other to make the fist move. we used to, and it did not work. Life is always going to be crazy to some degree, we have to work with what were given. I know about business, I house Military children during deployments and over nights, in my daycare, but I try to always put my husband first, do i fail sometimes oh yeah, but he un derstands, and for me because i have my 23 and my 21 year old at home (What a blessing) I have all the help i need. When our kids were small sometimes on a Friday night i would put them to bed early and make a late dinner for me and my husband by candle light. If you want to talk further you can e-mail me at ____@____.com

date nights haven't worked so great for us, we don't have similar tastes in dining, or movies or entertainment, so most of the time one of us is faking being interested, I mean it's nice to get out but, i personally don't feel its bring us closer together. Im totally jealous of the poster who has a hobby with hubby.

What i thought to suggest for you is board games that make you answer questions about your likes and dislikes etc not sure of the name of them.

You sound like my husband... At least what he has said in the past. We have made it a point to find something that we both like doing (for us it's rebuilding a 79 Firebird) and while we're doing things like that, we're talking. Talking about whatever's on our mind at any given moment. We are completely open and honest with each other. We ask each other questions. We don't judge the answer and we really listen to one another. If he's talking about his brother and venting about his relationship with him, even though I've heard it 100X, I still listen and comment. Everytime I tell him a story that he's heard 100X, he still listens and comments. But now, we know everything about each other. I know a lot about his past relationships as well as he does mine. I know as much as he does about his family. He knows all about mine. I know how he feels about my friends. He knows what I think about his. I know what his favorite cars are. I know what his favorite foods are. I know the things that upset him. I know what makes him happy. I know he appreciates everything I do and he knows I appreciate everything he does. Sometimes it's just a matter of laying in bed and chatting for awhile before going to sleep. But it's good to share some interest in something together too. It probably took about 2yrs... We've only been together for 3 and have a 2yr old son... Married for 1.5.

ok first don't worry, it sounds like your marriage is completely normal. My husband and I often just sit across each other just reading or in our laptops after a long day. I will share a funny story I see on the internet, he will share something too. other nights we just talk about our day and maybe discuss about different topics regarding our family (should we take the paci away from our 18 month old, should our 8 year old be allowed to read until later at bedtime etc).
This is on a normal/stress free week, however if things aren't going to well with life in general (my unemployed mom wanting to stay with us etc) then we drift apart for a while, in part to cool off and in part to try to find a solution.
in regards to your question about how long did it take to feel an entity; well I must say this, we met each other when we were 11 years old and studied all the way to high school together but never dated; after high school we met regularly and got married after he graduated college, HOWEVER the first year was awful, we'd fight all the time about the pettiest things. I never fully felt like a team until our first daughter was born and we forced to work together to raise this beautiful child we had created. we've had some ups and downs while parenting, it has brought us closer together than anything else.
I think you are on the right track since you are asking these questions soon into your marriage, God knows I would have benefited so much from a site like this back when I was a newly wed.
Have a great night!

I know exactly how you feel. It's tough when the kids are little. Good for you for recognizing what's going on. Make the effort now before it's too late. My husband and I were disconnected for years, for the same reasons you're describing. We've been married 15 years now. My advice to you is to do things to help you feel connected while making sure his needs are met too. Women want conversation, men want sex. Women will withhold sex when they aren't getting the conversation and intimacy they want. Don't make that mistake. Take care of his needs and he will take care of yours. Schedule date nights. If that's not possible do date nights at home. My husband and I would take baths at night and read the book 365 intimate questions every woman should ask a man. - Great book to learn more about each other.
We also schedule weekly planning meetings. We organize our calendars and talk about our goals for the week. We talk about our goals for the future. Sit down with your husband and write out what you want your life to look like 5 years from now. Staying connected by sharing common goals is important, just remember he may have different ideas than you do and that's ok, at least you know what he wants. :)

I think you need to schedule "date nights." If you have a babysitter or family member who can watch your baby...schedule her at least once a month. You need time away from the baby to strengthen your relationship. Everyone's answer to how well she knows her spouse will be different...for example, my husband & I have been married 8 years...together for 13 1/2. We dated for 5 years before getting married. Our situation is much different than yours. Make some time for yourselves...I understand how watching tv at night is relaxing & though you are doing it together, you are not communicating. Many couples fall into this pattern (myself included). I think the fastest & easiest thing you can do is have regular date nights. It doesn't have to be expensive either.

I think you need to establish who you are individually and not expect him to fill something. What about your relationship do you feel insecure about?
I think it's never a good idea to compare your marriage to anyone elses.

You know, I've been married 21 years and we are still learning about each other! You go through various periods in a marriage, ups and downs. It's good to remember that this will pass and the closeness will come again. Ebb and flow, I suppose. My husband recently started emailing me little notes. I love it. It reminds me that he loves me and that we are a couple, not just parents to a bunch of wonderful children. It never occured to him before to do that. If you can, try to date each other at least a couple times a month. It doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't even have to be somewhere outside your house! You can set up a romantic table and a dinner for him in your bedroom with flowers, candles, his favorite meal. You can go in the backyard for a picnic. Put on music, share a bottle of wine if you drink, eat something simple. Talk (if he likes that!). Tell him how much you respect him for all he does for your family. Be specific. Pretty much guaranteed to catch his attention and his love for you will flow out. Marriage takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.

TALK to him... but not in a way that is making 'him' the problem.
Men, will get defensive or feel inadequate.
Maybe he even feels the same way as you, but does not know how to express that.
But I would not tell him, your marriage/relationship is "insecure" or "weak"... because then it might get him defensive and/or make him think you are blaming him or that YOU are not 'happy' with him. Men, are sensitive to that. So, just put a positive spin on it.... instead of talking about it in negative terms. After all, you don't want him to think you think your marriage is BAD... just that you would like more time together etc.

My Husband, told me the SAME thing.
So well, I have to make a point to spend time with him. Which as a Mom and Wife who does everything in the family... is hard sometimes. BUT... it is important to fuel the other spouse and compromise.... making adjustments so the other does not feel marginal etc.

Just TALK to your Husband about it. No sense just keeping it to yourself, right? A Spouse is supposed to be the one person we can talk with, right? Good or bad.

Just make time... for each other. Have date nights. Talk story. Have meals together. Don't be 2 ships passing in the night. See what his interests/hobbies are.... it is never static... as a person goes through life, their interests changes. Its normal. See what he likes to do, and you too... and maybe do it together.
For example: maybe go hiking together. My Husband likes to do that. With ME. Or he likes to play games.... backgammon, etc. With ME.

Leave the kids home sometimes, and just do things together. Even if grocery shopping.

all the best,
Susan

Date night is a great idea. Unfortunately for us, we could never afford to go out AND pay a baby-sitter. We also had to use up all of our free grammy-sitting for the times when our work shifts overlapped. Something that was really helpful for us was spending time with friends. My best friend and her boyfriend used to come over every Monday after we put the kids to bed and we'd drink wine, order in, play board games, whatever. It was a nice break and it provided a much needed change in dynamic.

Date night sounds like a good idea. You can also do date night at home, even with kids. We often reserve a Friday or Saturday night as an unofficial date night. We cook a nice dinner together, have a glass of wine or some cocktails. After dinner we let the boys watch a kids movie or play playstation while we continue our after dinner conversation. In the summer we often hang out on the patio and in the winter we just sit in the dining room or in the kitchen and talk for hours. It's a great way to stay connected, to talk about our hopes and fears and to get to know each other on a deeper level.
We've been married for 17 years, after 3 years of dating. We both have changed a lot since our dating years (we were 18 when we started dating), but our bond has always stayed strong.