Marriage Problem Need Advice

Step #1, create a network for yourself! Is sounds like you don't have family at hand, so you have to make one. And I wouldn't make it HIS family either. Push comes to shove, they are HIS family. Get some close friends and make them your family.

Step #2, STOP calling him! It's probably freaking him out and pushing him away. Give it a rest, and see what he does. Use your new network to help yourself, when you feel like calling him, call one of your new "family members".

Step #3, GET LEGAL ADVICE. He acting nice now but it may not last. He doesn't need to know you've sought advice.

Good luck.

Wow! I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel like I kinda relate to your situation, though I do have family around here. and my ex-husband and I have separated more than a few times and ended up in divorce. But we can't seem to stay apart. Now we are back together and engaged to be remarried and are now making a new life together. I can tell you what I believe to have kept us coming back togther: I believe it was the Lord's blessing in our life. I will be praying for you and your family to be healed and made whole again.

Where are you located?

I was in a similar problem 3 years ago, my husband found another woman and left me with a 1 and 2 year old. i was living with his mother after he moved me in with her across NY state. blah blah- imy suggestion is that you find someone to talk to and stop talking to him! that is only going to make things a lot harder. im here if you need a shoulder. keep your chin up and realize your alot stronger with out him and you can do it! e-mail me if you need a break or a helping ear

i feel your pain, and i'm sorry.... i know it sucks and it's going to get better before it gets worse, if this is, in fact the end for you two. make sure your kids know that you love them, and no matter what happens, you both will be there for them and that you love them very much. they don't need to know anymore than they have too, and just explain that mom's and dad's need time apart sometimes, and i would def. seek legal advice, find a good attorney, and they can also help with finding out the answers to how to make sure your kids are taken care of and that nothing ugly happens with them. whatever you do, don't stay together jsut for the kids, especially since they are girls, you want to show them that independence is good, and that you don't need a man to make your like better, and you don't have to settle for someone who doesn't want to be there. my mom and myself have gone through the same thing believe it or not, and it's funny how similar our situations are. i wish you the best of luck.... and yes i do agree with making your own friends and family :) it will be the best thing you could do for yourself. find an online group for single moms or people in this situation, it helps to talk to those who have been in the same situation :) god bless

If your husband is willing to go to a marriage counselor, i would try that. If he's not willing to go, try going on your own. Sometimes just talking to someone helps. Hopefully your husband will come to his senses and realize how much he loves you and the children. I hope everything works out for you.

My boyfriend left me five months ago, with a two month old and a two year old. One month we were looking for a house to buy, a bigger car to buy, and the next he was saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. It is still so hard. I still love him and he doesn't want to be with me.

At first I tried to endlessly contact him but it really only drove him away. I thought if I just got him to talk about it, it would be ok. But it just made him mad and frustrated and he also said a lot of hurtful things to me.

It still hurts. He takes the kids, buys them things they need, but he is so distant to me. I think it gets easier every day but it will probably heal better when I finally let him go.

You have to keep yourself busy. When you feel like calling him, call someone else or e-mail me. You have to give him space. He may need time to think, he probably is being mean because he's frustrated and trying to push you away.

D.,

I was divorced from my husband only a short time when I met a great man, we had so much in common. Maybe a re-bound looking back on it, I am not the type of person that likes to be alone. And lets face it, life is easier when there are two parents, and two incomes. After three years living together, my boyfriend decided to leave, and move back home with his parents in Mo. No real explanation, he just quit his job and started packing his things. I was devastated, and while a proud woman, I too tried to talk him out of it, beg him, offered to change ect. He didn't want to hear it, and I was a wreck. When I realized it was inevitable that I would be on my own with the two kids, I had one last good cry and then tried to summon up anger at him, telling myself I was better than this and that I could move on. Lots of women do it, and make it, and I could too with determination. I switched jobs so I would be around more people(I worked in a tiny office with two women). I got a hair cut, it made me feel better. I am still learning how to maintain my car, I ask my kids boyfriends, fathers of their friends, whatever it takes. In the Newton area you can call Project Self Sufficiency, it is for single moms, and they offer support, classes of all kinds to help with jobs and free legal advice. Even your local hospital offers counseling in mental health, and its all sliding scale depending on insurance and income. The resources are out there when you dont have family, which is what has happened in my case. I have a friend in Calif., and one in Fla. but thats it, no family to fall back on. I did meet a great guy out of my new job and we have been going out a few months. I dont know what the future will hold, and we have trouble seeing each other because of our schedules, but I have moved on now and it feels great. As for the boyfriend that left, when I stopped calling and contacting him he started calling me. He has now said several times he isnt sure he made the right decision, that it might have been the biggest mistake of his life leaving me. He has asked if I would consider moving out there. My answer is NO, I have a life I have started over and while keeping him as a friend would be nice, he won't be a major part of my life again and I won't be hurt twice by the same person. There was a reason he came into my life when he did, and there was a reason he left. I really believe now that when he left, it was meant to be because something better was going to come into my life. I hope you find the strength that I found, and even if just through this site, know you have support you need to face the next week, month, and year.

Hi D.,

Let me start off by saying that I am sorry that this has happened to you. Just know that you and your children did not deserve to be treated this way. I would suggest that you let out all of the pain that you are experiencing through your tears but don't let that pain overtake you. You said that your heart is broken but please take those pieces and put them back together again even as you struggle to put your life back together again. This needs to happen for yourself and your children. Your husband should not have the power to destroy your life because he is no longer in it so I ask you to take that power back by re-building your life without him. Is it easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes. Stop calling him and each day that you don't mark it on a calendar. As you see the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months you'll begin to feel better because you'll be making progress. Just as wounds heal this will heal also. Oh it may leave a scar that you will always see but I believe that it will heal. Focus on yourself and your children. Get a schedule going with the three of you so that you'll be able to live a life of balance. Let him continue to see the children if that is working out alright but also find out about child support in case he decides to try to hurt you financially once you stop calling him. Visit a bookstore or do an online search for helping children when the parents have separated. You need to know professionally how to handle this. You need to know how to talk to your children so that they will understand and these resources will also help you to understand that its not your fault. Take the time each morning to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are going to make it. You may not believe it at first but make it a habit and watch the results. I understand your pain but you'll have to emotionally find your way back to your children in spite of it. Acknowledge the pain, release it and move on. It is going to be so important to your future. Above all seek out a support system. Though your family is not around at all there are people that will be able to hold you up during this difficult time in your life. If you need to talk I am here. E-mail me at: ____@____.com

Your going to make it D.. You and your children are going to live a happy life in spite of all that you are going through now. Believe that with all of your heart and make it a reality starting today.

All the best to you and your children. You are still a family without your husband.

Dear D.,
Hi! I am very sorry to hear about your problem especially with the holidays coming about. However I am in a similar situation, I am 25 lost my 1st love to death when my son was 1 1/2 yrs old 11 months and 8 days before our wedding, I have 2 children boy 9 daughter 4, They truely are my life. I met my current husband through a friend 6 months after the death and we have been togather since my son has called him dad since there first meeting and my daughter is from him. He has been out of work since August he got fired after 4 yrs of being there. By january I am gonna have to find a apartment because my house is gonna go into froeclosure , and because of this I hate him so much every day I pray that hell have a job and we can save the house but hopeless now that I want a seperation he's decided to look online he had 2 jobs and passed tem up because he thought he could do better, however we have lived here for 3 yrs in december and he has walked off his job and gone back 7 times everything else about him is perfect. I really don't want to end this marriage but I cannot go on living with someone who is not stable and he was never like this until we married. I don't have much family at all my mom died 3 yrs ago she was killed by a drunk driver and not long after her death my father jumped into a relationship and got married so we are no longer close like we used to be. My sister and neice live in fall river and there the only ones i really bother with other than my brother who lives in florida we talk but have not seen eachother in 3 yrs. I have 3 other brothers who i am allset with. As far as your situation goes as hard as it is stop calling him and give him some time he may change his mind the more you bother him the worse it will get give him a chance to figure himself out. Have you ever suspected another woman because I know of relationships that have turned the same way but the partner really left for the opposite sex but would not disclose that as the reason. Thankfully he is good to the girls how have they been doing since he has left? Listen I would love to make a new friend please feel free to contact me if your interested the kids are the same age they are always looking for new kids to play with. My theory is you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.I'd love to be more help to you if i could.
I know it's very depressing and it hurts I am always crying but be sure not to let the girls see it because it will destroy them. God Bless

Have you tried talking to HIS parents? You might want to try this, as they may be able to help you by talking to him. The suggestion to talk to a councilor is also great. You wouldn't believe how much just having an ear to cry to will help. Also, your friends will be there to lend a shoulder to cry on. Try calling them and asking if they can come over to keep you company.

HTH
M.

Splitting up involuntarily is heartbreaking and can even cause physical pain. I don't think I can put into words how I have felt in past similar situations but some things I know that help are: journaling and just staying busy. Instead of calling your husband, write down or record your feelings. Mail yourself letters that are really for him, so that you can track your feelings and find solutions to help you move ahead and not dwell on the negative feelings...I have heard it called purging also. Do pamper yourself, force yourself to continue doing what you have always done everyday and spend an abundance of time with your children. Stay strong for your kids...try to save your breakdowns for private moments. Give your husband time and space and he will either come back or stay gone...either way, you have to be prepared to move forward. Exercise, develop female friend networks, take up a hobby, focus on other things so that you can stay healthy emotionally.

D.,
IF HE'S SAYING MEAN AND HURTFUL THINGS TO YOU MAYBE YOUR BETTER OFF NOT CALLING HIM ANYMORE. MAYBE IF YOU STOP BEGGING HIM TO COME HOME HE'LL THINK YOU'VE MOVED ON; THAT MAY TRIGGER HIM TO RECONSIDER. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STOP TEARING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT, FOR YOU AND YOUR GIRLS. THER'S NO POINT IN BEING DEPRESSED.....THINK ABOUT IT.... IT DOESN'T GET YOU ANY WHERE AND ALL YOU ACHEIVE IS MORE MISERY.
IF YOUR CHRISTIAN MAYBE YOU CAN GO TO CHURCH AND SOMEONE CAN HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN OVERCOME THIS DISASTER. THE CHURCH I ATTEND HAS A SPECIAL PROGRAM CALLED DIVORCE CARE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BENEFITED FROM IT. I KNOW YOUR ALL THE WAY DOWN IN HARTFORD AND MY CHURCH IS JUST OUTSIDE OF WORCESTER MASS SO THAT WOULD BE QUITE A HALL. BUT, IF YOUR INTERESTED IN MORE INFORMATION LET ME KNOW. MY CHURCH IS NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT PROVIDES THIS SERVICE; BUT, SOMEONE AT MY CHURCH MAY BE ABLE TO HELP ME HELP HELP YOU FIND A CHURCH NEAR YOU THAT DOES.
LIKE I SAID, IF YOUR INTERESTED LET ME KNOW. I HATE TO HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE PAIN THAT YOUR EXPERIENCING. I ALMOST LOST MY HUSBAND SO I CAN RELATE TO YOUR FEELINGS.
IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO JUST WRITE BACK, IF NOT I HOPE YOU'LL BE HAPPY SOON HONEY.

A FRIEND,
A.

I know how it feels to have someone leave you. I had it happen to me. My kids were older, but not by much. My ex was getting to a point where he was getting meaner by the day and finally I had to get him out of the house before he really hurt one of my kids. I had a hard time to do it, but I had to because he started to hit them. That I know is differant than your situation, but I had to take care of both my sons by myself as I have family,but they lived so far away they wouldn't help me. I knew if I didn't do something there would just be constant violence in the house and no rest from it. I understand that you love your husband and should. He needs to seek help and deal with the problem he has with you. I wish I could tell you what to do, but for now just letting him be is the best way to handle things. I know it will be hard to do as you really want to be with him and love him. He has to make up his mind as to what he wants. I know that is going to be tough on your part and you didn't ask for what I got either, but it has to be that way for now. Sometime down the road he will come to realize he either loves you or not. He must be given some space to have time to think about things. I know this is going to be hard, but he will come around sooner or later. I have more to say, but i have to give up the computer right now.

Wow this was so hard to read...my husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 12..he is my world and we have had problems and he left me once for two weeks or so ...at first I was like you always calling hiom and begging him to come home....all that did was make him mad ..so one day he came to get our son for the day and the house was spotless and I was dressed all up nice I did my hair and make up and smellt pretty so when he came over he seen i was not sad any more even tho when I seen Ihad all could do not to beg hime to stay and fighting back tears were hard....but in the end he came home come to find out the mean words ha had said were not how he felt....he missed me as much as I did him....and when he seen I wasnt sad anymore it made him feel like he had lost me...I wish I had some great advice for you I dont all I do know is life has some bumps in the road some bigger then others but you will get through this...I know it is hard and if you need to vent feel free to e-mail me @ ____@____.com...

A.

D., It was hard for me to read this. The only advice I can give you is to make a life for your self. I have had problems with my husband of 12 years. We are still married but there were bad times. The only thing that has changed my life is I became involved with a Home based business. The reason it has changed my life so much is that I am part of something. I work with a team that I communitate with daily we have confernce calls and we help each other and I have made a ton of freinds. Plus an added bonus is I get paid. You can not change the way he feels about you but you can change the way you feel about yourself. I would love to team up with you and show you how I have made such a huge difference in my life.
My website is http://colleend.stayinhomeandlovinit.com you can request more information and I will get in touch with you.

Once you move on and you are not feeling so sad he will be the one that is sorry. I promise you thaT. I really hope to hear from you.

Let go. I am in the same boat. I have faith that when one door closes another one will open. Try to into your own life and your own power. If you and he are supposed to be together it will happen in time, if not, someone else will appear. Have faith, sister!

D.,
My mother is currently going thru the SAME situation. She has a 13 year old from a different father, and an 8 year old from this man. Hes been around for about 10 years and he just up and left one day. My mom does the same thing you were doing, which is understandable. But, at the same time, myself being someone thats on the outside and can see things a little more clearly then her, can tell that hes not coming back. Now in your situation it might be different, I dont know everything about it.. But if youre asking him everyday to come back, and hes not, he probably wont end up coming back. You cant make someone be with you.

The advice I gave my mom was to stop calling him, stop seeing him unless it had to do with the kids, and let HIM come around on his own terms. If he doesn't come back he did you a favor. You dont want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you. Put notes around the house, on the phones, on the computer saying DONT CALL HIM, DONT EMAIL HIM. I know it sounds silly but I did that on the fridge to lose weight and it worked :)

If you ever want to talk, I can always lend an ear. I wouldnt know what to do if I had no one to talk to about all this so im sorry youre going thru that :( You just have to show your kids that youre a strong woman and you dont NEED a man to live your life. Plus, I know its hard losing him but at least you still have your children. You must have a girlfriend you can go out with on the weekends when he takes the children. Even if its just to an Applebees for dinner and drinks. The best way to move on for someone thats no good for you is to find someone better :)

Hey D.,
My name is K. and I am a soon to be divorced mom of 2 and I can say that it HURTS let it. THen move on . Seriuosly. Take it second by second and believe me you'll get through this. You have no choice. I too have NO family in NJ. I moved here to be with my husband and I stayed to raise my family. I redefined what my family was and I prayed. Do what's best for you and your girls. Maybe he'll come around , maybe he won't. Focus on you and everything else will fall into place. If you need to email me please do. WE can talk more.

Hi D., I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am not in this situation so I can't really relate, but I do know how it feels to have your heart broken by someone you love. I know it is so hard not to call him and beg him to try to work things out. But the biggest mistake is to do that. He is probably annoyed more than any thing so he doesn't have time to miss you. You need to show him that you are strong and that you can move on. You need to dress up, get your hair done, look your absolute best, Then when he comes to get the kids act like you are so busy, and have amazing plans with your girlfriends. Once he sees that you don't need him any more he will maybe start to desire you again. Sometimes in marriages, and after you have kids we women let ourselves go and men start to look else where, I myself have always kept myself up and going. I take time out to pamper myself and if you are not doing that then you should start. The biggest turn off to most men are needy women. Trust me I know how hard it is, and I think you are an amazing women to be doing this with no support. I actually have to say I don't think I could do it alone. Do you have any friends that are there for you right now? Just know that if he doesn't come back, you are loved and you will find that person that loves you for who you are! Take care D.,