I have been married for 4 years. We have a little girl. We have BIG issues in our sex life. He is my first man so I don't know how things are in other families, but I am completely dissapointed and hurt with my dh's behavior. He wants oral, if possible every day! He turns into this evil, selfish name-calling angry man if I refuse him. Well, it's improper said "refuse" cause he never ever asks it directly, nor does he initiate intimacy. I am the one who has to go to him, to ask him, whether I feel like it or not. So, little by little he has become less interested in normal sex and wants only bjs. He does not help around the house, I work part-time also. I know, I am sure if I don't go to him and ask for intimacy for like 2-3 days he is nervous, picks up fights, completely ignore my requests: he refuses to take out the garbage, to go outside with our girl, I don't know how to explain this: he is being such a class A jerk. He rejects any of my hugs, kiss or carress. He says that I am annoying and I piss him off. I lay the table and ask him to come join us to eat, he doesn't bother to come. He stays 24h in front of tv or playing computer games. For a couple of days I do everything and I am completly ignored. I am at my witts end with all this...when I ask him to make love he says he is too tired but asks for a bj. He has asked for anal. I tried once, but know he wants it every week!! I am torn: I mean all this family is kept together by me? It is so much pressure on me! It is clear now to me that I either satisfy him as often as he needs, or I live in fights and loneliness. You must wonder why I just don't do what is right. Because I don't feel loved, because his behavior is killing me. I just don't know what I should do. I know we as women have to satisfy and keep our men happy, but I just can't do it. I have to feel a little love in exchange. I feel like an object, not like a human. Am I overreacting? Am I wrong to feel like this?
oh, sweetie. you are being treated like a thing, a series of orifices. you have a little girl who is going to grow up thinking this is how she should be treated too. this is NOT how good men act, and there are plenty of good men in the world.
do not settle for someone who holds you in such disregard.
khairete
S.
This is abusive behavior. Do you have family you can move in with? He needs a HUGE wake up call, and he cannot keep treating you like this. Please deal with this now.
No, you are not wrong. Move out.
Is it possible he is secretly attracted to the same sex. He is interested in deviant sex but not normal, caring, intimate exchanges with his wife. Something's amiss.
We have another poster that wrote something almost like this, several months ago. I don't know if it is you again, asking again, or another poor soul who has the low of the low of husbands.
Regardless, please listen to these ladies below, telling you that this is NOT the way sex between a man and woman should ever be. This is not the behavior of a loving husband.
STOP giving him any bj's. No anal sex, ever again. Just like I said before, ignore him. He won't help you anyway. He isn't involved with you and your child anyway. Don't reward him for this behavior by giving him a bj.
You need to go talk to a divorce lawyer and find out exactly how to leave this man. Get your ducks in a row. And do NOT stay in this marriage. Counseling is not going to help. He is an abuser. You do NOT want your daughter growing up to think that this is how her husband is supposed to treat her.
I wish you luck.
(To those who think she "fell out of the 50s or 60s): It is unfortunate that men still treat women this way, and yes, there are women out there who think this is the norm. They never learned about their own sexuality, unless it was to be available and used by their husbands. Men in certain religions/cultures are taught to believe all kinds of untrue things about women.
I suspect that he is either gay or having an affair, this is not the way a mature man treats his wife, unless there is something going on she doesn't know about. My advice? Get out and count your blessings it didn't last longer than 4 years. He's abusing you, the RIGHT thing to do is to not let your daughter grow up seeing her dad treat her mom like this. I suspect you think the right thing to do is to give in to his demands, but it's not. It's as much his job to make you happy as it is your job to make him happy, but one partner's happiness shouldn't come at the expense of the other's.
You have been what Dan Savage would call: GGG - good, giving, and game - a good partner, giving your partner what they need, and game for trying new things. Your husband? Not so much. He doesn't own you, and you don't have to do everything he asks, YOU are not the problem. HE is the problem, and in your shoes, I would move out. It really is that cut and dry for me, I would not put up with this kind of behavior from my husband, and I was raised not to tolerate it. My mother would be helping me pack if she thought I was in the kind of marriage you describe.
It really bothers me that some ladies on here feel like it's their duty to call out "trolls". If you ask me, anyone who calls a poster a troll just because it's their first question or they do not type or spell wonderfully is actually the troll. You won't find trouble if you don't go looking for it.
To the OP - You must have had a pretty terrible day to have posted this on Mother's Day. I'm sorry about that. I understand how you must feel. But you are only in charge of your own happiness. That is something you need to understand before anything else can change.
As for the sex, let him act however he wants. Don't give him oral or anal if it's not something you in fact want to do. Looking into his love language, and yours too, could immensely improve this situation. In the meantime, stop allowing him to manipulate you. If he acts out childishly then ignore him. Let the trash overflow without reminding him to change it. Don't cook dinner for him if he is unwilling to partake of the meal as a family. These measures may seem like a mean thing to do to your husband at first. But taking care of yourself has to be top priority.
Are you married to my exhusband?
I'm sorry honey, but what he's doing is abusive. Making love with your husband should NEVER make you feel bad. Ever.
Check out this website. www.youarenotcrazy.com
This may come across as mean or crabb, I honestly don't mean to sound this way.
But...
Did you ust fall out of a time capsule from the 1940's or '50's? It isn't a woman's job to keep her man happy and to keep the family together. It is just as much a man's responsibility to keep his woman happy and the marriage together.
You husband is whiny little boy and a bully. Has he started hitting you yet? He already has your self esteem in the sub-basement. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Don't let him get by with this.
You need to get counseling and recover your self esteem.
That's because he is treating you like an object and not a loving wife. I am sickened and disgusted by the behavior you describe. I strongly urge you to seek help professionally. Why would you ever want to have sex with this man? Get out now.
You are in an abusive marriage. Call the national domestic violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233. Tell them what you told us. They will give you advice and help you get out.
Wow.
Sorry, I wouldn't live like this.
In my opinion? Not normal.
You are not wrong. First, because feelings are not "right" or "wrong"; they are what they are. But you are justified in feeling the way you do. The first thought that came to my mind is that perhaps he is gay. Sorry, but to only want bjs and anal sex sends up warning flags.
If it's a troll, then I'm sorry for responding.
I just don't ever want my dd to be in a relationship like this, I hear so much of this type of BS . Are there No decent men? and no women smart enough to be alone rather than be with a slug like this?
I am raising my son to be A husband, not to sleep around, not to be a dead beat dad, not to be a jerk. am I the only one?
please people stop making babies
You are not overreacting. You are not wrong to feel like this. Please listen to your own gut and realize that HE, not you, is in the wrong. Stop doubting yourself.
Please get yourself to a women's shelter -- not to stay (yet) but to get advice on the steps you need to take to prepare to leave him. Shelters have, or can send you to, people who will help you lay out a plan. Or call an abused women's hotline today. Today!
Part of that plan is having your own money that you can get to immediately; if you do not have an account solely in your name, if all money is tied up with him, you need to get money in your own name that he can't touch. Get this kind of advice now. You may be able to set up an account in your own name today by the end of the day if you don't already have one.
Decide where you and your child will go (relatives, friends, shelter--there ARE places even if you have no relatives nearby!) and pack bags for you both and stow those bags where he won't find them. Be sure that anything precious to you -- family photos, letters, jewelry, anything you truly love or anything with monetary value that is yours -- is in those bags too. When you leave he may destroy sentimental items if you leave them and he surely will keep and cash in on any items of yours that are worth money. Take them now.
Then get a divorce lawyer lined up. If money is an issue, ask about sliding scale fees, payment plans over time, etc. There are lawyers out there who know that some women don't have a lot of money immediately available to pay for a divorce. Then get those bags when he's out one day and leave him.
He is profoundly immature. He uses you for sex and abuses you mentally when he doesn't get it. It sounds as if you have no relationship at all beyond sex, nothing in common, no conversations or interests; that is not a grown-up marriage. You do not mention his parenting, but if your daughter grows up in this household she will eventually learn that it's normal for women to be crushed by men, and she will seek out men who treat her like daddy treated mommy. Do you want that?
Leave him now! Do you really think things are going to get better. Rather play computer games than sit down to a family dinner? You did not marry a man you married a child. There are lots of men out there that are way better. Do it for your daughter....
This isn't a normal marriage. Divorce him and find happiness in your life. You and your daughter deserve better.
You're not wrong--he's controlling you in every way. You need to get out unless he gets professional help NOW and stops this behavior IMMEDIATELY.
I would insist in counseling, both individually and as a couple. IF he refuses then I would start getting my ducks in order for leaving him as soon a possible. A healthy relationship is one it which love and affection is both given and received freely and happily, and that does not sound like it is the case right now in your relationship. You deserve better, but only you can demand it.
Most women in a situation like this would run FAR
How did I know this is your first question...
Trip trap
I am curious to know, are you a certain ethnicity or religion that may have men be the dominant one in this relationship? What are both your ages? Seems like you feel this behavior might not be quite as bad as it is?
He sounds like a really creepy, a$$h01e. Get you and your little girl some help and get out now. Document so you can get full custody. I would not want my little girl around a man like that.
Was he like this when you were dating?
just leave! plain and simple!!
How old is he? No, this is not normal and no, you are not overreacting. He wants you to please him a specific way, yet he refuses to please you in the way you want. He only wants what pleases him and demands it from you and gets angry. No, my husband and all my good friend's husbands do not act anything like this. They want to please their wife. They do not demand things like blow jobs. They do not sulk and get angry if they do not get their way. One, your husband sounds like he has some kind of intimacy disorder and two, he sounds super immature. He sounds like he is a boy, not a man. Oh...three, he is a complete jerk. Wow. I don't know what advice to give you except to say you should definitely not think this is normal and do not put up with this. He needs therapy and he needs to grow up...and he needs to change his personality. I'm sorry.
How old is your husband? 15 or 16 years old?? How long did you date him?
If you aren't a troll...there is just too much to get into here.
Find a counselor...but you are not a wife to provide sex, food and care for him...ARGH!!
No you are not wrong to feel this way. DH is not taking you into consideration and is disrespecting you.
You must tell him how you feel and what your expect from him and your marriage. If the marriage is something you want to continue then you must tell him to seriously consider seeking marriage counseling. He may not be aware of how mean he is being or not care. Or there is something going on with him that he needs to let you be aware of.
If you are at you're end then tell him you deserve way better (because there is better) and you deserve to be treated with respect, appreciated for all you do, and most of all to feel happy.
Additionally, you must think of your daughter. Is this the type of man you want your daughter to think is ok to accept in ones life? He is the example she sees as a husband. Right now she's too young to understand that how he acts is not correct but later on hopefully she won't rely in what she's used to or knows.
I know all marriages are difficult but I don't believe you should have to endure all this,it's not good for your spirit or health.
I imagine you wonder about financial security so look into if there's any family that could help out, programs in your area, and of course what your entitled to from the marriage.
I hope this helps instead of causing more stress. I just believe one should have to put up with this. We as women are allowed to be satisfied as well. Do not hold yourself to a different expectation, you are an equal to the marriage and need to let him know your thoughts.
