Marriage on the Rocks

he could be responding to the stress. now i dont know anything about your husband but if he is as dramatic as mine is that sounds like something that is said out of fursturation. me and my husband have been going though nothig but fincinal problems in fact right now we are living with his parents to try to get back on our feet but bad things keep happening to get get in our way.like our truck might be reposed soon.
look i would advise you even though before your plan was to have another child things have changed and fincally you probley cant afford that blessing right now i mean you never can be finaclly ready for a baby but after bank reupt i would personally wait till you guys got back on your feet. your husband probley feels like a failure as a provider right now, and just needs your support. and if there is still issues then maybe its deeper then finances.

I just wanted to send you a big e-mail hug. This sounds lika an awful siuation, because no matter how you like it your husband doesn't seem too concerned for you feelings, hopes, or concerns. It sounds like it is all about him. However, many men freak out about finances- new babies and new homes definately fall under this category. Give your husband some breathing room to be an ass, say a month. If he still is handing out ultimatums in 30 days it is time to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you as an equal in making life decisions. Is that the role model for marriage you want your 2 year old to have? Until then, hang in there.

D.,
First off I soooo DO NOTt agree with the 1st advice you received from Julia S. In my opinion, she couldn't be more wrong on so many levels. Financial matters will always put a strain on a marriage but you have to work through them. Julia was right on one thing though when she stated that both of you did this together. I agree but now both of you have to work things out. Getting himself fixed, or filing for divorce takes money too. What makes him think that will solve your financial problems? It just sounds like he's running scared so he's coming up with stupid ideas that he believes will solve the problem. You mention many times how young you are, so put off having another child for a few years. What's wrong with that? Look at your BK as getting a chance to start over again. I do not agree with Julia about her advice on renting. Renting is never a good thing to do, especially on a long term basis. It should only be considered temporary and then you should get out and start building equity in a home you own. How does Julia know about the real estate market any way? Does she have a crystal ball and can see into the future? Nobody does! In my opinion the market is still good, especially for buyers. Yes, the interest rates are a bit higher then they used to be but it's not horrible. Do your research, talk to as many Loan Officers as you can and see for yourself. You will be surprised what is out there and what you may qualify for. Renting will not save you money. I understand that you may have no choice. Everyone, including myself has rented at one time or another but rent only for a couple of years if possible and then then get out. If you can afford some one elses mortgage then you can afford your own. Good luck with everything. I pray that you and your husband will make smart decisions and remember to put your family first. Everything else will fall into place. I promise you that.

Dear D.,

My name is Alex, I am a mother of two and a baby on the way, and I am currently seperated from my own husband. Our situation is a little bit different. However, I know that most marriages go on the rocks or end in divorce primarily due to finances.

I can almost garantee you D. I have something for you that could turn your marriage around! Do you believe that God can use the very thing that is tearing you both apart, he can use finances to bring you back together again? Well he can. I just got on board with a company who's mission is "No Family Left Behind". My good friend Elizabeth is one of the executives. based on your current situation it makes sense I should have her give you a call. D., I dont want you to regret not doing everything on your part to rebuild your marriage, do you?

Drop me the best number and time for Elizabeth to reach you, again email is ____@____.com
My goal is to be a blessing to you and your family.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely Yours,
A. Chavez

Hi D., first I would like to say that I don't think living together just for the sake of your child is a good idea. Your child will be learning about relationships from you and your husband and it will probably be really confusing for him. Secondly, what about counseling? Try it, my husband and I were struggling-same thing financial problems, just like almost every married couple. Got to tell you, it worked wonders. I know you really want another baby and maybe he will change his mind. It's a scary thing when you are having alot of money problems. Maybe he's scared. Please suggest counseling to him. Ask him to go before he gets snipped, and maybe it might make all of the difference for you both. I hope everything works out for you and I hope you do get to have another baby!!!!!

It could be a blessing in disguise that you didn't get approved for the house right now. Imagine having a huge mortgage and then your marriage failing. I agree with the others, ask your husband to go to counseling right away, before any decisions are made about another child, a vasectomy and/or a divorce or any large purchases. If your husband won't go to counseling, than you go yourself. It will help you sort out your thoughts and make you feel empowered. If you're still young, don't think you won't be able to have more kids (even if it's not with this father.) I have a baby (he's 1 now) with my fiancé. (I went through a divorce 8 years ago.) Like you, I think children should have siblings to grow up with. My two older daughters are the best of friends (25 months apart.) Since there is such an age gap (the girls are 15 and 17,) I'm tempted to have 1 more so the baby boy will have a sibling close to his age to grow up with. However, if you or I don't have any more children, the kids will still be fine. They will have friends and they will get more undivided attention from their parents. Your husband may feel overwhelmed. If he had to file bankruptcy recently and just got denied for a home loan, he may be feeling like a failure-especially if he isn't happy with his job. Men tend to base their esteem on their work and ability to provide for their family and women tend to base their esteem on their relationships with other people. (Husbands, friends, children, relatives, coworkers, etc.) Call your insurance company and find out if they pay for mental health (counseling.) When I went, I only had to pay a $25 co payment. With the insurance I had before that, it was free of charge. You can not control what your husband decides to do with is own body. If he has surgery against your wishes, that is a huge statement to you, but it is also his personal choice, just as it would be if a woman was pregnant and wanted an abortion, or if a woman decided to get her tubes tied against her husband's wishes. He could just be saying that and will never follow through. I also agree that living together "for the kids sake" will not be a good idea. Sooner or later, they will be old enough to understand. If one person in the marriage is unhappy, the other one will be too, it is inevitable.

EDIT~To answer to unnecessarily personal and attacking
poster, Gloria: I came from the R.E. market (mortgage loan officer, in two states, and left BEFORE the market turned). I still keep up with financial news: domestic, foreign, investment, financial blogs - and OWN 3 investment props and one primary res in 2 states. Hubby's a former trader and Mstr. of Int. Bus. I know the current market and history, and statistical implications for the future. BTW: In the last month alone, our area's value is reportedly down 5%. Inventory is high and not moving; record foreclosures; R.E. seriously over-inflated; and mortgage fraud built the CA market. Most programs that allowed it are gone or going(meaning: R.E. is a LOSING venture right now 'cuz no qualified buyers=lower demand=lower value); secondary markets sending back tons of bad paper; brokerage houses DUMPING mortgage stocks; new lender BK almost every week; R.E. offices and brokers closing daily; MASS lender layoffs; and BTW, Prime interest rate is DOWN (not up).5% as of last week. Rent is less than a new mortgage payment...Waay off-subject. D., Sorry that someone had to detract from your question. This is about YOU, not us. I just want to offer my heartfelt help and advice.

D., while I sympathize with you, I empathize more with your husband in this situation. He sounds like a MAN, which makes you a blessed wife. He is taking his responsibility to the EXISTING family, seriously. He is owning his mistakes, and demonstrating responsibility and commitment. It's unfortunate that your finances came to the point of bankruptcy. But the truth is, you ended up there TOGETHER, as the result of a series of choices you made. He must feel so overwhelmed after discovering that there was another late payment after the BK; THAT has got to feel almost devastating (Respectful correction: the 30th day IS a 30-day late; not the creditor's fault). He expected to climb out, and now he just got hit with a hammer upside the head. The GOOD news: You don't want to buy in this real estate market anyway. Expect it to continue downward for at least another two years - and probably longer. Rent, change your habits and save your cash; you'll be way ahead.

As far as the "ultimatum": I think he's being honest and realistic. He IS getting a vasectomy. There ARE only two choices for you. The only other option that hasn't been offered is: 1. Remain in the marriage and reserve your right to disagree and complain. He won't have that, so it's not a choice. Having a bottom-line is FAIR. BTW: I think he wants the marriage to remain in-tact; I also think he is respectful of you as a separate and valuable partner.

Stress exposes what exists. The strife isn't "because of" the finances or because he doesn't want more children. I think your husband may be feeling undervalued. I think your expectations are idealistic and romantic, in the face of the reality of your life. He may feel that your idealism undermines his responsibility, and he could even be feeling somewhat hopeless. Just a guess.

Babies don't add happiness; but they can subtract security. When the euphoria of the new little creation wears off, there's a new human with BIG needs, in the home.

I strongly advise you to look INTO yourself for answers and growth opportunity. Please don't listen to advice to fulfill your own needs first. Husbands and fathers - especially MEN - are not disposable or easily replaced.
Take care of yourselves and hang in there,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

D.-wow what a tough situtation. Well, I am on the outside looking in. Your husband seems to be overwhelmed, stressed about money, and worried he can't take care of another child. I understand your dream but marriage is for better........ or worse. I think you both are being selfish. Have you tried sitting down and talking..away from home, your child, etc. Maybe the two of you need to go out on a date, and talk. Not yell, or point fingers - but communicate.

Just when we think we have it all figured out...life happens. We all envision what are life "should" be, but you know...life just sometimes happens.

Believe it or not your husband and you need eachother more than ever right now. Your husband is over-reacting, becuase he is stressed.

In times like this there is only one thing you can do if your husband is not trying to hear you out--empty out all your pain to God. Talk to him...he will help!

I really hope things work out for you...Hang in there! Find comfort in the eyes of your child...so innocent, so full of love...you will get through this.

Hi D.- i think your husband is just stressed.he just may think u can't afford another child.i would just try to talk to him again and give it some more time.also u don't have to wait till the bk comes off your record.if u can rebuild your credit with secure cc's and pay them off on time that will help u get a better rate.there are lots of loans out there for people who have had bk's.just from my own expereience.

Can you, as a team together, decide to get financially back on track before you make any other major decisions ie., home loans, more kids, vasectomies)? Is there a possibility of fighting the late payment and asking them to reverse it, showing that it was paid on the 30th? It sounds like there are so many huge decisions on the table. Maybe if you all talked together and got a game plan, a "life plan" so to speak, and then take it one step at a time. Maybe even go to a counselor together to help you both prioritize and get some clarity, and even hopefulness about your life together....

Hope that is helpful....

dear D.:

It is very sad to read your story. I'm a mother of two lovely girls and they are my big blessing in life. I always thought one child would have been too little. Not just for me but also for my first girl. I come from a family of 7. so I do know very well how wonderful is to have brothers and sister. I mention this first becuause I think it is very good that you are not happy just with one son. It wouldn't be good for him niether for you.
Then I do believe the perpouse of this life is to be HAPPY. I don't think any woman, young or older should stay married or living with a man if she is not happy. There are not good reazon to stay with somebody that doesn't look in the same direction that you do. Your husband seems to me very selfish and even seems to me that you too don't have the same values of family. For me my family, my brothers and parents are a very important part of my life and I always expected from my husband to visit them and share with them our life. Because it is good for me and my girls.
I'm 44 and in my life I had very hard moments. So many times it seemed that life was so terrible. But time tough me that nothing last forever. Neither the hard and bad time in life. There always come the sun after a storm. Maybe sometimes no as fast as we would like. But believe me. There is always a new day. New opportunity. A new love in our life. maybe not right away. But when we less think about. there love knock again in our door.
You say that you are young and that your son is two. Well take the chance and don't live your life sad today not even tomorrow. You won't be the first divorce woman. Belive in yourself and fight for what you think will make you happy.
Don't be affraid of life on your own. Look to your son and think also how sad it will be for him to growh up alone. And even more seen you sad living with your husband.
Eventually all the women that stay in a marriege for diverses razons with time have a miserable life and they children can see this too.
hope my advise can help you. take the chance to live your life and find your happiness now that you are young. because time goes by very fast and never comes back.
God bless you
Italia Ponk

Hi there..
I am so sorry to hear your predicament.
It sounds a little like no one is thinking about what YOU want (both your husband, and also you..ie: him giving you options..)
Do you even want to be with a man who gives you ultimatums?
A marriage is about communication, understanding and give and take.
I mean if he doesn't want to have kids now.. (and you're young) can't it be put off for a year or two??
It is understandable that he is concerned about being the provider, but getting fixed does seem pretty melodramatic..is he calling your bluff?
I mean, hello! has he heard of contraception??
Him telling you he will get fixed is as bad as you telling him you will never have sex again... of course that would work too..so would divorce.
Sounds very controlling and manipulative to me.
Anyway, all marriages have problems.. but you need to work TOGETHER to work it out..
I always ask my hubby to talk it out and allow him to keep talking (without me interrupting him!), and sometimes the issue is far from what it looks like on the surface..
Sounds like your case is all about his insecurities..
Let him get to that, and hear him, and maybe he'll see there is another way..
I wish you all the very best..I am so sorry you are in such a pickle..
In any case, if you are young, at least you have time on your side, whether with this man or another...
much love
V. x

First, I am really sorry that this is happening to you. I understand a bi8t about this, except mine wasn't cuased by finacial probelms.

I do want to say that you really have to listen to you heart. If you are really set on having another baby, then you reaslly need to express that to him. If he still doesn't want anymore, that's when you really have to ask yourself if you would rather do the mom thing alone and meet someone else that loves you ans wants to have more kids with you...or if you want to stay with your husband and not have anymore. (which is stronger in your heart)

Being a single mom is not easy but at least you and your son will be happier becuase you and your husband won't be at odds all the time. I believe that having a happy home is the most important thing for myself and for my kids. I don't think you should just stay living witheachother just as roommates becuase more hurt will come into play in the future (especially if he finds someone else)

I wish I could just tell you what to do and this all go away...but the answer lies in your heart!!! Be strong and you know that you have your family to help you out plus, he will pay child support and spousal support.

Good luck!!! May you find the wisdom that you need.

Your son is your blessing, a gift from God. Take care of it. Not as roommates. I really shouldn't give you advice. Only share with you my experience. I waited for almost 11 years for my husband to become the man that I knew he was. It's up to you whether you see the same thing deep inside your husband.
Look over your contract for the car and see when your last date is to send in your payment, check also if you have a grace period so as it wouldn't be considered late.
I don't know which state you live in but in California, my brother bought a $350,000 house less than a year after he filed for BK. Maybe you both need a little patience. Hubby can use protection or any other means to avoid having a baby before you get the new house. By the way, does he not have faith that you'll be out of this financial dilema that he feels he has to "cut it off"? Please believe me when I say...I don't mean to offend, but his options seem a little lopsided to me.

Hi Diane,
I am so sad for you.
I used to be a therapist, and I have to say something for the benefit of your child and any unborn children that you are thinking of having.
It is not fair to bring children into a toxic home. If you and fighting and in an unhappy marriage, then now certainly is not the time to add more stress...........like another child. You have to love yourself FIRST before you can be loved by others, so if you are not doing that, that is your first order of business.
With all the life transitions and huge burdens on you right now, I hope you have a therapist. If not, you should definitely seek some help. It's not like we all don't go get our teeth cleaned at the dentist, yet sometimes people neglect getting their minds "cleaned" up in therapy. That's the way i look at it though. Our minds get neglected and therapy is a great place to get some time for that part of us.
I wish you well and can't say whether or not i think you should stay in your marriage. Yes, no, maybe so, I don't know. But what i do know is that there are plenty of things you can do to stay afloat and to get ahead financially. First and foremost though, you need to be taking good care of yourself (from head to toe, inside and out) and your child. It is not fair to your little one to have all this stress. He never asked for that. So, even though it's not what you dreamed about, there may need to be a few years in between this little guy and his syblings. THAT IS OKAY. You can change your dream and have it look a tiny bit different. You can still have 3-4 kids. They just may not all be close. It's totally okay. I just want you to take care of yourself FIRST. Good luck.
I have to ask, do you love your husband?? Is he a good man?? Honest, faithful, caring, good father???
That will have a big impact on things!
Just because he wants to have a vasectomy or is offering to divorce doesn't so much make him a bad guy as it does a guy. He thinks in a much different way than you. Us girls tend to think more on the emotional level and guys tend to think more on the rational, logical level. That alone doesn't make me jump to think badly of him. It just simply sounds that POSSIBLY, he is stressed out with everything and trying to be responsible.
Clearly, I could go on.
Good luck with everything and feel free to contact me.
S.
www.MomsOnAMission.US