Marriage, Longevity, Etc.

I didn't respond because I didn't feel like I had anything all that useful to say. The only thing I thought was that it's a lot to expect that two people will stay together for decades without growing apart or growing tired of each other. No one is that exciting. And then you add stress and kids etc., and marriage is just hard.

I thought you were just asking this philosophically, not that you were struggling with something.

Please please please find someone in the real world to help you though this. Sure there are people that feel the same, that doesn't meant they are emotionally healthy! You know you need to make changes but you keep coming back to tell me I am okay. You are not okay, you know it, because you keep asking, am I okay.

I tell my friends things and I add the caveat, does that make sense. I do this because I know I don't always make sense, ya know? You keep asking, am I normal, because you know what you have going is not normal, not right. So get the help to figure this out.

I normally post the OP to be spiteful, not the case here. You need help, maybe someone else will word it better than I did.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16 years. We've been through a lot, together as a couple and individually. I come from a divorced family, so I admit, that I have some issues within myself about the longevity of relationships. I also have a lot of anxiety, so that sometimes works against me too--Neither of us are perfect. I've struggled with issues. And he's struggled with issues. We now have 3 children (one who is on the autism spectrum). Needless to say, life's been challenging at times. I've felt hopeless at times--just wondering if life's supposed to feel like it does? Our life doesn't feel simple or very enjoyable at times and I find myself retreating to my safe place. Friends and people around us don't really talk about the challenges of life. People keep most of these issues to themselves. So I'm just wondering, am I alone in this? Am I the only one who feels like life has lost its spark and excitement at times? Has your spouse (with whom you are still married to) struggled with their own issues? If so, what types of issues have you or your spouse struggled through?
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When you asked once is my marriage normal, feelings normal, struggle normal I answered of course. It is not easy raising a special needs kid. It is hard on a marriage, emotionally, and you are worn out a lot. You have moved to the point where for you this is the new normal. Sorry but that is not normal. It would be insensitive of me and others to say yes, this is normal, you are fine, keep feeling overwhelmed, get back to us when you snap. Who with any sort of soul would do that? You may think you want that answer, you may feel you need that answer but it is the most harmful thing we could do to you.

The human mind can only take so much. It is just how we are wired. We cannot monitor you, we do not know who you really are so at some point when we know you have hit your limit and you will either withdraw and never come back, self harm, or harm others we are in no position to get you help. So sorry, I will keep answering with get some on the ground help. Someone who knows you and your situation well enough that they know where you are mentally and can help you if you need help. I would even suggest a health care directive with your husband with power of attorney. I keep suggesting these things now, while you are sort of still listening. If something happens you won't listen to any of us, then what?

One Busy L. I have been following your questions for a while, and I've responded several times. I don't see people here being insensitive at ALL (well not most, anyway) what I do see is a person who is struggling. Many of us see this and we are concerned for you. You say "it's easy to hide behind your computer" to us and yet it seems like that's exactly what you are doing, asking the same type of question over and over and, I don't know, expecting a different answer each time?
I don't know why you don't seek some therapy for your sadness and anxiety. Many of us have and do just that. Being a wife and mother and doing everything else we do takes its toll. Your mental and emotional health is every bit as important as your physical health. We are not nailing you when we make these suggestions we are being thoughtful and caring.
I think it's time for you to stop hiding behind your computer and start seeking some real solutions in the real world. You deserve to be happier than you are, and the first step in that direction is to learn how to take constructive criticism and admit that you need REAL help.

You have received many great responses to this post new and old question. Fairy tales are just that fairy tales and make believe. Real life is:

It takes two people to make a marriage. Marriage is a work in constant progress with two people who are separate individuals that come together to be a partnership with warts and all. There are days one gives more than the other. When children come into the marriage and you have a special needs child(ren) your marriage is tested daily. You have to learn how to divide yourself into parts to care for everyone including yourself. Do contact your doctor for a referral for therapy and medication if necessary. Also do marriage counseling if necessary. No shame in asking for help shame is not asking for help.

To have longevity in marriage you have to be willing to work together and do things sometimes you might not have thought about to make it work. It is hard to give you solid answers of what each marriage is like to compare where you are in your marriage with any of us.

My marriage is 44 years old. As a wife of a military member, a long haul trucker, and someone who is ill, it is different than yours. I had periods of time where hubby was not in the home but supporting the family from afar. I had to do things that a man had to do to keep the home going. As I used to say, "I have seven husbands and only one is mine." I had my neighbors' husbands to help, a mechanic, a minister, and my husband. They helped me when things were fixable or I called for help. What I do and go through daily is a lot different than you do with your son. I am a caregiver as well. I work to do something for me that is separate from him to keep my identity and self. It is not easy and I do take medication when needed to help me get over some of the hurdles.

So please seek help for you and don't feel defeated. We sometimes need to be first in order to help others and not be last. As the stewardess states, "Please put your oxygen mask on before you put others on."

the other S.

Why did you remove your question? I read it earlier and was coming back to respond.

You shouldn't feel like you can't post your question. I do agree that maybe your ideals of marriage might be skewed a little or unrealistic.

NO one has a perfect marriage. NO marriage is always happy and easy going. They take a lot of work.

New years Eve, 2015 would have been my 27th anniversary and we had been together 30 years until his death.

I went to my doctor when I felt like I was struggling and retreating from my marriage.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.
When my husband and I have struggled we got couples counseling.
No, marriage is not unicorns and fairy tales, but nor should it be torturous.
Perhaps you need to speak with someone who professionally deals with these issues...you know...like a doctor or counselor

You seem to ask this question a lot.
I'm not a therapist nor do I play one on tv.
Please get some professional help.
If you already have a doctor - then he's not working out.
Fire him and get a new one.
My life has some issues - everyone has them - but my life is just not the constant struggle that you seem to be going through.
It just shouldn't be this hard.
Get your anxiety and depression treated before you snap and we all read about the resulting tragedy in the news.

O., I enjoy your posts.
I am glad you reach out. I find myself struggling with some of the things you write about.
BUT, we are not mental health professionals, nor is this setting for mental health help. Referral? Yes. Resources? Yes. Experience? Yes. I think people get very confused about what type of support they need, and I think the answers you want may be beyond the scope of these.

This is why SEVERAL of the responses strongly urge you to seek professional help or to bring these issues to your therapist.

We are trying to help you, not hurt you, by saying this.

To admit that this is beyond the scope of "website wisdom" is the right thing to do as is encouraging you to get more appropriate help.

I'm sorry you felt you did not get that here, and yes it does take a lot to put yourself out there. I encourage you to keep reaching out, but to remember that this site is full of moms/parents, not professionals who have training to tailor their answers or read Into one's psychological needs.

And if there are parents who are trained, they are at a disadvantage because a website does not present the correct setting to fully evaluate for any psychological needs beyond what the poster presents.
ETA: Which leaves a lot open to interpretation.

Please don't take these responses as lack of support, but maybe realization that the issue you are writing about is more unmanageable then website support can help you with.

Keep taking care of yourself, keep being the hard working mom and spouse you are (from reading your posts), and continue to reach out, just maybe realize that if the responses aren't what you need that it may be the subject matter and not other's lack of caring.

I wish I had been able to read your post.

I've been married for 19 years this October. It's a roller coaster. It's NOT easy. It's not always fun.

It's sad that so many people buy into the fairy tale of Happily Ever After. Sorry - but it's just that a fairy tale. you CANNOT compare YOUR marriage to anyone else's. What works for me, might not work for you.

You REALLY need professional help. Find a marriage counselor or doctor. Maybe you have depression or something else going on. I don't know.

A friend of mine who is a therapist says that life is always full of growing pains. We evolve as people not when times are easy, but when times are stressful. Our marriage has gone through lots of growing pains, and what has helped me is to read about how good marriages work. Good marriages have 7x as many positive comments as negative ones. In good marriages, there are more "I" statements than "you" statements. I think that a way to approach marriage is to read about the characteristics of happy marriages. Also, I think we are better spouses when we feel good about ourselves. We think it is selfish to go to the gym, have time with girlfriends, see a movie by ourselves, take a walk. Yet I find that if I do one nice thing for myself each day, I am a better spouse and parent.

I agree most people want to be helpful but you may benefit from medication and obviously we can't help you with that. Seeing a doctor really would be helpful. You have more on your plate than I do with 3 kids and one special needs one. It may be more than you can handle without some anti anxiety medication. I'd also suggest you try to find a support group for parents of special needs kids. Then I'm sure you will be able to speak in person to other parents who are struggling. I find many people are willing to admit they struggle but I do think some people have it easier than others. But there are also those who have it harder than you. Speaking to them may help. See how they cope.

I did not get to read the original question but from the responses it sounds like you may be where I was a few years ago, my marriage was in trouble and I was suffering from depression, even to the point of thinking my family would be better off if I just walked away. I got on medication and my husband and I started both couples therapy and individual sessions. It was a life and marriage saver. It gave us both a chance to work on our own issues and helped ups find our way back to each other. We learned how each of us best gives and receives love, how to communicate openly and honestly, how to listen without judgment, and how to take a step back and see things through the other persons eyes. We all grow and change as time goes by, it is up to us to make sure we grow and change together rather then letting ourselves grow apart.