My husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We have been together for 5 years. About 2 years after we got married I got pregnant. That is when we started having problems. Prior to getting pregnant my husband was spontanious and enjoyed being with me. I know that had a lot to do with us being newly weds but I never anticipated for this to happen. People always joke that once you go down the isle the wife is the one that doesn't want to be intimate. In this case it is the exact opposite.
After I had our son the lack of intimacy continued which led me to believe that he was not interested in me anymore. I started to feel inferior and not wanted. I almost screwed up at one point when another man started showing signs of affection towards me. I didn't feel as if I loved my husband and more and I honestly felt that we were together for our child only. I never did anything with this other man and I ended up telling my husband my feelings and why this had happened. It had been so long since someone had acted this way towards me that it felt so good just to be wanted and for someone to pay attention to me.
Skipping ahead a little - we are still together. Telling him presented some rough times but we made it through. But now 3 years later we are still having the same issues. He doesn't come to be with me. He stays up late at night watching TV until he is completely exhausted and drags himself into bed or falls asleep on the couch. If I try to get close to him when he comes to bed he gets frustrated at me and tells me how tired he is. Sometimes I can catch him off guard in the morning (although the actions are all there - there is little feeling of compassion and love. Honestly I get tired of being the one that desires it and has to ask for it. He tells me that I bug him about it to much but that is simply b/c it only happens about once a month if I get lucky.
I am only 23 and he is 30. When he was my age (from what I hear there were never any problems like this). I guess you can say he was very experienced. I know he is having some personal issues now as well. He is unemployed and has been for about 4 months now. So he is struggling with that and the financial difficulties associated with it. But it seems there has been something that will offer him an excuse every time for the last 3 years.
He says it is not me. I know I have changed a little over the past few years and have gained a little weight with our son that I have been unable and unmotivated to loose. I have begged him to go to counseling with me. At one point he agreed and then we put it off b/c we were doing ok. Now he refuses again.
I honestly don't know what to do and I wasn't sure if anyone else has gone through or is going through what I am. All I know is it is extremely depressing when the one man you are suppose to be with for the rest of your life shows very little interest in you.
L.,
Bless your heart. This is exactly where I am at and I'd love to discuss it with you, off forum. I counsel women and have personal experience that is just now working out. I would love to talk by email, if you get a chance. Good luck to you, either way. You can reach me at ____@____.com
Hello,
This is a hard one. My husband is 10years older than me. I am 30 and he is 40. When we got married I was 19 and pregnant with our first child. I think the hardes thing in a relationship with a distance of age, is to prove your an adult. Treat me the same.
This said we have had some up and downs. Usually from me. We have 5 kids together and there has been times when I do not feel attractive.
From experience from myself and what I have seen in other relationships, here is my advice:
1. Do not nag. You might not even realize you are doing it. Please take a close look at your attitude.
2. Exercise. Try to lose weight. This comes in to play in every part of your life. Motivate yourself to help save your marriage.
3. Try Dating each other. Find somebody to keep the kids overnight.
4. I am not sure if you work outside the home. But if you don't make sure You do stuff for yourself. Just like he should be able to do things with his friends. Golf, Bowling, etc.
It takes time to mend a relationship. Those are just my suggestions.
B.
This sound just like me one year ago..
wow, you are going through some difficult times. From your post, you have lots of things that are probably all contributing to the current situation. Before I say anymore, let me say that I have been married 20 years and have two children. All marriages have incredibly difficult patches. Since your husband has said he is not interested in couples therapy, get yourself there. The hardest lesson to learn in any marriage is that you cannot change your partner, only how you respond to him. Take his word for it, that his lack of interest is not you. In therapy, work on different ways to respond to his behavior and work on your own issues. Best wishes.
Sister, I am right there with you!! We have the same arguments about him showing no interest and I am the only one to initiate (talk about a blow to the self-esteem!), and he often rejects me too. We've been married 2 years this month and have a 19 mo and a 5 week-old. When he courted me he made feel like a goddess and I was the center of his universe. Now, he doesn't even look my way when I'm naked, and I look better now than I ever have.
After numerous talks, he said he didn't know of any man that continued the same behavior into marriage. Needless to say, we have been to counseling and still haven't found a good one and have put it on the back burner for a disasterous day (b/c that's what it'll take to find someone to help us).
In the mean time, I am reading self-help books, working on myself, working out, and doing lots of praying. I'm learning to do more for myself b/c thinking about how it use to be and how he's not (anymore) tears me down. Like you or any normal woman, we need our tanks filled and refilled and men don't understand that. I have learned I can't harp on him about what he's NOT doing and try to dwell on all his positives. Doing this has created a better atmosphere and I'm relying on God to do the rest. I can't & don't expect a quick change, so that's why I'm focusing on other things & keeping myself busy.
Where do you live? We (& other moms that can relate) should get together and talk.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think there are a lot of woman that can relate.
A.
{{{Lidsay}}}
I know exactly what you are saying! Almost word for word! I learned a lot from the Dr Laura book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". One of the HUGE issues has been my husbands self-esteem- when he is feeling low- b/c money is tight, job pressures, kids pressures (we have 4), etc... he feels bad about himself and really lacks any desire for intimacy.
I have decided that I need to just swallow my pride and occassionally set up dates= which is our code for meeting later :-)
I used to get my feelings hurt all of the time b/c he didn't seem to want to initiate. After lots of discussion he said he was trying to make sure I didn't feel pressured since when he got home I was always complaining about the demands of the kids, home, part time job.....
Hang in there!
Feel free to e-mail me if you need anything!~
____@____.com
This is a small thing to look into, I give the book "The 5 Love Languages" to every couple I know who get engaged. People have different interpretations of loving behavior and it's just as good for him to know yours as it is for you to know his.
read the book the five love languages by gary chapman it is a terrific book it talks about every person has a love language whether it is touch or gifts there are five and there is a little questionnaire in the back of the book one for you one for your husband to find out what you and your husbands love language there is a chapter per love language and gives you an idea of what a person with that love language would like i was having the same problem and it helped tremendously but you have to be willing to do what it says and it will change your marriage and it helps you understand how he thinks and him to understand you it is great N. reyna
Dear L.,
I don't have any advice, but I can totally relate to you. I thought I was the only one who was also lacking intimacy in my marriage. I have been with my husband exclusively for 8 years and out of those 8 years we have been married for three. I have a 11 month old boy but our problems did not happen when I had the baby. Of course having our baby made things even worse. We have been intimate one time since I've had the baby. I know the day I conceived because are sex life has been so far and in between. I have been depressed, unwanted, unattractive (I thought it was my weight), and just wanting to be intimate. I know it is not me, I have come to terms with that. Before the baby, I was getting very upset and even tried looking for a marriage counselor, but I became pregnant and sex was the last thing on my mind. So here we are now and I been having those feelings again and wonder if our marriage could survive, just being room mates who had a baby together. I'm working this thing out as will. If you ever need to just talk about it feel free to send me an personal e-mail.
Thanks! I don't feel so alone.
J.
