Oh sweet stuff. WHAT a title. I loved it.
On the dog: Try a LOT of exercise and love when you're home. Also, training, training, training. Dogs dig hierarchy. They NEED to know their place, to be given direction and purpose, and for their brain to get used as WELL as their body. I mean, a LOT of training and exercise. A bored dog/frightened dog is a bad dog. This should, in my opinion, be mainly your husband's responsibility, given that he is the dog's main person and is the one who wanted the dog in the first place. Dogs are creatures, not toys and if he wants a dog he should be showing up like a responsible grownup. When you are gone, put your dog in a large crate with a few special chew toys/bubbies. Twenty minutes before you're going to crate him/her, put a few drops of rescue remedy on his/her nose.
It's not an over night fix. Dogs change slowly. Remember, be a firm disciplinarian. They are not children, and need to know their place in your "pack". However, that alone will simply frighten the dog. Along side, they need love, attention, play, and training.
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IF your husband is not willing to be responsible for this animal, then it is the ethical decision to find the dog a new home. If he is willing (and follows with daily ACTION), I think the dog would not be so stressful for you. Right now, you are not dealing with a dog. You are dealing with a Tasmanian devil. And that's not what you signed up for. At. All. In other words, you are giving it a try. If he's not capable or willing to show up, then you shouldn't have to beat yourself into depression over it. Neither should the dog.
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On depression. Stress is draining. Maybe your depressed, maybe it's more situation. Sometimes, situation stress can trigger an actual depression.
BEFORE you become depressed/more depressed, I'd like to make the following suggestions (ones that I suggest to myself for depression and anxiety).
- Take a walk every day. It doesn't have to be terribly long, nor terribly fast. But, do it every day.
- Make a gratitude list every day. It can be silly stuff (I am grateful for my George Forman), deeper stuff (I am grateful for my children's health)...just what ever you can find.
- Look for beauty. Pretend you are a photographer and seek the miraculous. The tree branch. The blue of a children's slide. The way an elderly woman gingerly leans over to kiss her fat cat. Find grace in the present. Seek it out. Sometimes, it's impossible to do so. Other times, it comes naturally. Keep up the exercise. Be an artist.
- Eat. Eat bites of food throughout the day. Good food. Food that gives you strength. WHEN you just can't, try forcing a bit of protein down.
- Take baths, make tea, play games, dance, put on sad songs, create plays with your kids, dress up silly, dress up like you're going out on the town...etc. Buy fresh flowers and set them on your table. Look in the mirror and whisper love poems to yourself. You don't have to believe it. Some day, it may feel real.
- Get on the phone. Call your friends/family. Make plans. Or don't. Talk it out. Write it out. Get together and cackle and cry with the women who you love dearly. Curse at the sky if you feel lonely. Ask for help (darn it...so so so hard for me).
- Let it look messy. 'Cause life is. Holding onto the control can sometimes be really counter productive, in my experience.
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On marriage. Sister. I'm not sure. My marriage is in an up swing. Even though we are "in crises". In part, because I'm learning to live my life based on my authentic self. I'm not waiting for him to come around or change or communicate. 'Cause I'm busy doing that for myself.
Not because *I* made it happen, but because my husband fell down hard and had to face himself, he is working HARD on himself too.
So it's cool, we BOTH want it. It looks messy, and it feels painful and wonderful at the same time. I couldn't make that change for him. Lord knows I TRIED. (((chuckling))) That's not within my ability. No matter how often I complemented him, no matter how much we had sex, no matter who *I* tried to be...he was still on his own path in his own time.
Not sure what's going to happen there, but it feels good, and I'm learning.
Also, check out nonviolent communication.
WHOA! IT's cheesy, tedious, exasperating...and darn it, it WORKS.
I *thought* I was listening. I thought I was communicating. Oops. I wasn't doing it very well in retrospect.
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Above all, big hugs. You aren't alone, and you will get through this. It's tough, and sticky, and challenging. But, it's life, and it sure is a good teacher.
Big hugs.