Marriage Issue - Bellingham,WA

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Calm down.

Take a deep breath.

He did exactly what you wanted him to do. Appreciate it. Focus on how hard it was for him to do it. And say THANK YOU to him.

Then back off on the other things. He has an obligation to be involved with her as his children's mother and have a good relationship is good for his kids.

And yes, it seems right.

I'm really confused - you hashed it out over and over again - finally he calls his ex and tells her he can't be friends on FB - are you still mad?

He heard you and got off the FB with his ex wife - correct. He was decent enough to call her about it. He told her why and I think that was fine.

All should be good in the world.

Since I don't have an ex that I have children with - I can't really comment about it - but I worked for a guy who his wife and ex called at the exact same amount of time - he talked to both - he and his ex got along better than they did when they were married. He and his ex were both still parenting their children. His wife and ex did not get along at all.

You sound like a selfish, jealous wife. Quit whining about his contact with his ex. He hasn't done anything wrong. He is with you. He chose you. Appreciate that and start acting like his life partner instead of the warden.
Your insecurity will drive him away from you if you don't get it together.

All I know is that I have plenty of friends who get along better with their exes than they ever did when they were married. It seems strange, I know, but it works for them. They can communicate with each other and about the kids and there's no animosity or anger or old 'baggage". Now that they aren't together, they respect each other more. And, the kids are happier for it. No kids like their parents being enemies all the time.
These people have moved on to new marriages and relationships and share kids back and forth so there is some semblance of family for all the kids.
I'm not taking anyone's sides here, but it seems that perhaps the ex wife avoids you because I would guess it's clear you don't want her communicating with your husband. If she's ever gotten wind that she makes you feel second rate, because she shares children with him, what is she supposed to do? Disappear?
Your husband told her he will no longer facebook her because it bothers you.
That's the truth, right?
He said he was sorry and didn't want to hurt her feelings.
That's probably also the truth.
But, he did what you ultimately wanted.
I'm sure, as a man, and as your husband, he was thinking, "This can be one less thing she can be upset with me for." So, he did it.
You're having a hard time accepting their communication and now you're having a hard time that they won't be communicating on the premise that it upsets you.

I think it's really hard sometimes to find where we fit in when there is an ex spouse and other kids involved. But, they won't just go away and sometimes we have to examine our own insecurities over the subject.
I think you are feeling he hasn't let go enough to make you feel safe and he is probably feeling like he wouldn't be a good dad if he just cut the ex off.
Surely you can find a happy medium.
What's the saying? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?
I have no idea of any of the history, but you might try befriending her to an extent. If you are someone she really likes and feels good about having her children around, it might make it more difficult for her to consider doing anything to disrupt that.
It's worth a try anyway.

I don't think your husband did anything wrong.
Just my opinion.

You are going to ruin your relationship with him over this. You knew he had an ex when you married him, right? You knew he had kids? My ex and I are good friends and it is SO MUCH BETTER for the kids that we are. They watch how we act toward each other. We aren't FB friends but I wouldn't have a problem with that. We all go out to dinner for my kids' birthdays. His wife doesn't get her underwear in a bunch over it. She has him and I don't. But we'll always be tied together as our kids' parents. My fiance is good friends with his ex -- they have three girls and they talk all the time. I think it's a great thing. I think you are acting like a jealous, insecure woman. Stop it.

"Why do I keep hashing out the same issue over and over again with my husband?" I don't know why DO you? It's a losing battle.
He sounds like a good guy to me. Respectful, caring and considerate....ooooooo...tell him to knock it off?
Seriously, why would you even care? You are his wife. She is his ex. Obviously this isn't a secret F/B arrangement--sounds like he has nothing to hide.
You got your wish--he defriended her on F/B. And he told her why. Did you want him to lie? Now you're the O. that kind of looks like an immature, jealous wife. Bad move.
I know it's hard (well, I don't but I can imagine) but you would be a first rate wife and mother if you took it upon yourself to become friends with this woman. At least civil. You have lots oj common--your husband, the children, etc. Why waste time promoting an antagonistic relationship? Who is that serving? No O..
I don't mean to sound too harsh but the only thing this attitude is doing is making you appear small.

Your husband needs to be able to speak with the mother of his children. I think it is good that they can speak on facebook on the phone and in person when necessary.

Why are you so insecure about the 2 of them being friends? I know many divorced couples that are not just facebook friends but friends in general. They do not want to go back to their exes but they have history and have children together so they are friendly. There is no rule that divorced people cannot be friends.

My mother and father had a TERRIBLE/HORRIBLE divorce and it took them decades to be able to even be in the same place at the same time. It made it very stressful for all of us. My sister is in her mid 40's and she still has not gotten over the trauma. Our parents now get along, but my sister is bothered that they were not friendly while we were children. The best gift they can give their children is to get along.

Instead of fighting about the same thing, step back and write down exactly what you feel you need from him. Write down your concerns about their friendship and the issue with them being friendly and speaking with each other. . Write down what type of relationship you feel he should have with the ex. Be totally truthful with yourself and him.

Then take a look at the children and decide what type of life they deserve and see if you requests fit in there. The children were his before you. You are the wife, but you are also the adult.

I am sending you strength, clarity, honesty and patience.

I'm going to disagree with the previous responders a bit and offer a different take- I find it terribly disrespectful to your MARRIAGE that your husband would maintain any sort of relationship with his EX-wife that makes you feel insecure. My husband and I both have children with our former spouses that we're now raising together. Yes, it is imperative that former spouses are able to co-parent their children amicably. However, there has to be a clear line between who his current Mrs. is, and the place the ex holds in his life. She's not his buddy, best friend, or confidant- that person had better be YOU. If it's not, then I agree that there is something wrong. My husband and I set the standard for our marriage that neither of us would ever do anything that gives the IMPRESSION of disrespecting the other. It has worked beautifully for us. I wish you the best of luck, and offer my support to you- In my relationship with my ex, I was constantly feeling like I was "not quite good enough" and sure enough, he was looking for something different. I hope that's not the case with you- maybe counseling would help.

He did what you asked, AND remained honest with her.
He has a general desire to protect feelings of women he cares about.
He made what was presumably an effort (probably took a while) to end up on friendly terms with his ex (particularly important for the children).

It is too bad it took him so long to understand that you were 'for real' and your feelings weren't going to change just because he didn't think they made sense ... but he CHOSE YOU (again).

He acted with honor to both parties, tried to save your feelings by calling her while you were going to be gone, and has prioritized the relationship with the woman he is married to.

If you want him to get into a habit of prioritizing your relationship, make sure you don't punish good behavior ...

I figure I have no business telling my husband whom he can be friends with, man, woman, ex-lover. His friendships are important to him, and therefore part of who he is. And I married him for who he is – all of it. I don't want to do anything to diminish him. And I trust him. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't.

Some of the things I noticed in your request:

You say she avoids you. Is it just as true that you avoid her, let her know you want nothing to do with her, act grumpy if you must be around her? If so, I would avoid you, too, because you are the wife now, and I wouldn't feel that I had the right to put myself in your face if you obviously don't want that. But I would still have the need to communicate with your husband because we have kids together, so it would apparently have to be more "private."

You say it makes you feel second-rate; that she seems to take precedence over you. That could mean a lot of things. Does he actually spend more time talking to her than to you? Does he avoid you to talk to her? Does he share more honestly with her than with you? Or enjoy laughs with her but not with you? It would be far more productive, when explaining to your husband what you mean, to give very specific examples rather than try to sum it up in such a vague, ambiguous statement.

Do you WANT to hurt the ex's feelings? When he says he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, you apparently don't say "Of course you don't, sweetheart. And I DON'T WANT you to hurt her feelings, either." Instead, the phrase you report is "No one asked you to be mean…." If that's the way you state it, that merely evades the very real issue of whether you wish he would hurt his ex. What is your real wish here?

It sounds like he has done what you wanted, and yet you are having a difficult time accepting this. I don't understand why. He has agreed not to continue this behavior that is bothering you, and he told his ex the honest reason for ending the online communication. Wouldn't you want to know why somebody stopped communicating with you?

I am concerned that you may not know the underlying reasons for your feelings, and that until you do, they will keep reemerging elsewhere in your marriage. This will eventually erode the quality of your relationship with this man. If you really want to get to the bottom of it, counseling might be a way to uncover your deeper issues, and perhaps help you find a way to communicate them to your husband.

All I have to say to all the women who are "hating" on you is, don't judge someone in which you have never been in their situation! Everyone has an issue in their relationship in which it's like a merry go round, but not so merry. If something is bothering my husband and I, we take a step back and ask our self, "would this bother me if it were the other way around?" If he or I could honestly say no, then we find a good compromise. If we wouldn't like it, issue is squashed right then. So ask him, if it would bother him if you were besties w/ your ex-husband...I mean, if you had one. It's hard to imagine, he will deny it at first, but he may realize that it wouldn't be so kosher w/ the shoe on the other foot.
On this note, I'm checking out of Mamapedia, too many angry "Mom's" out there...just annoying to read rude remarks all the time. Good luck girl!

I have the same feelings about this as Laurie A.

Your Husband, to me, is honest about what is going on... and he is not lying. Then, he did call her to cut off the FB communication and told her it was because it made you uncomfortable. And that IS the case. He is not "making you' the 'bad buy.' It just is. You told him you wanted him to end it. He did. YOU are his current wife.
He did not "argue' with you nor be abusive/insulting about it to you.

It is good... that he and the Ex have a "buddy" rapport with each other... because there are kids involved. That is a primary importance.
You... are his current wife... .and being that he had/has a prior family... nothing will ever really be 'exclusive' to just you... because the kids and their well-being is essential. And, he seems to be a mature/responsible/caring parent. Which is not the norm in divorced couples. So the kids are fortunate their Dad is that way. And that he and the Ex (their Mom) have a positive rapport.

Ideally there should be transparency. Which your Husband seems to be with you. BUT, his Ex as you say, "avoids you." Who knows why.... but do you want to be 'friends' with her too? She is the Mother of your Step-Kids. Have you reached out to her and she continually 'avoids' you... or is the avoidance mutual???? If it is mutual, then so be it... or you can try and be friends.

All I know is... your Hubby didn't really do anything wrong. But you feel 2nd rate. So that is the issue here, to me. He cannot avoid communication with his Ex, because they have kids. And they are your step-kids as well. It also bothers you that he doesn't want to 'hurt her feelings.' To me, there is nothing wrong with that. But you are his current wife... so he has to concede with you. As a Spouse. But he seems to be... a non-violent/non-abusive/non-critical man.... who tries to be fair. I personally, would be glad..... because he is being a "man." Not an abusive derogatory jerk to you or his Ex. Nor to his kids.

As far as having opposite gender friends as a Married person... I see nothing wrong with that. My Hubby and I, are still friends with our Ex's. But it is totally transparent. It is just as 'buddies." Nothing more. But ALSO... it does NOT take up the majority of the attentions for either one of us.
IF... your Husband, spends more time on his Ex.... talking/communicating etc., then I can see how you would be irked and feel 2nd rate to your Husband, and maybe he feels, that he does not want to jeopardize anything with his Ex... because it may jeopardize his time with his children/custody etc. He must miss his kids a ton.
BUT.... you are his Wife. Not an outsider. He has to manage that.... and show respect to that as well.

But, I think, it seems your Husband is trying to appease both your concerns... and trying not to hurt his Ex, at the same time. Nothing wrong with that to me. But you are his current wife... and he has kids from his 1st wife... .so to me, he has a hard task of keeping both in good stead. He wants his kids Mom to be happy... because if not they may suffer.

Ultimately, yesterday, he DID END the FB connection with her.
He did what you wanted. This 'proves' his allegiance to you, if that is what you wanted.
And... you also need to 'know' and 'feel' that you are not 2nd rate to his Ex.
I think, he is trying to do that.
Now.
all the best,
Susan

I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Actually jealousy is a waste of time to me. The only reason people are jealous is because they don't trust the other person. Do you not trust your husband with his ex? If not why not? And if you do trust him then why does this bother you so much? And don't say it's not him you don't trust it's her, that's just as bad. If his intent is to be faithful to you then he will keep her at a distance if she tries anything. It doesn't matter what you think she may or may not do. The onus is on him to remain faithful to you and keep your trust regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
Anyway getting in the middle of it probably isn't helping you at the moment, it's actually making you look like the bad person to them both. Now he'll call her more or use another form of communication and it'll be just as bad.
You're making him feel like he has to sneak around and that's exactly what he's doing. Just because he can't use facebook doesn't mean he won't call her when you're not there or use some other form of electronic communication. If you seriously don't trust him, which it sounds like you don't, I'd say let them have facebook and keep their relationship in the open, at least then you know about it.
What's worse, knowing they communicate on facebook or wondering how else they are communicating behind your back?
Trust your husband, stop worrying about the ex and let them maintain their friendship. It's better for the kids in the long run if they are friends. It means the kids don't have to pick between parents.
Good luck!

The reason you are rehashing all this is because it's unresolved. It sounds like he is trying to keep the relationship friendly with his ex. Some ex-couples are grounded enough to understand that although the marriage is over, they don't have to hate each other and that it's better for everyone if they stay friendly.

I also understand that it's hard to be the second wife. I am a second wife. What really helped us was to see a marriage counselor (before things got 'bad') and talk about the feelings both of us had around the situation. His ex still emails him occasionally, but I no longer have the strong emotions triggered when he tells me about it. Talking with a neutral third party, who is good at reflecting feelings and not taking sides, someone who tries to create new common ground for couples--this is so important for relationships.

If your body wasn't working correctly, you'd go see a doctor. Ditto for your love life. If your husband doesn't want to go (he may feel that he's done what you asked) go on your own. Find out the deeper feelings of why you feel so hurt and disrespected. There's usually more going on than just what's on the surface.

You're right, they are parents NOT friends. Here are some questions to entertain...Why does he communicate with her in "private"? Why does she avoid you? Why is he overly concerned about her feelings? He seems emotionally attached to her, his past, and less concerned about the respect of your marriage, home, and FEELINGS. She will be the root of all challenges in your home because he invites her in without regards to disrupting peace and keeping peace. It seems he allegedly canceled his FB account to appease you, and not because of principle. Don't let him seem you sweat. Just stay cool and stand your ground.

You probably don't want to hear this, but you are lucky they are still friends especially if they have children together. Too many times I hear stories about divorced parents who don't get along and it makes life miserable for the children as well as the current spouses. You need to remember he divorced her and he is married to you. I think this is more of an issue of you being jealous and insecure about your relationship with your husband than them being social. You need to get over it. If he wanted a closer relationship with her he would still be married to her. But he is married to you, so you are the one he wants to be with. Don't chase him away because he is still friendly with his ex. Count your blessings.

To be honest, I have an ex-boyfriend (college sweetheart, that I almost got engaged to-met my hubby 8months after the breakup & about 3 months after we spent a lot of time together for several weeks) & we are FB friends. I know his wife isn't thrilled, but my hubby is ok with it. I would be ok with him being FB friends with any woman from his past, but he is avoiding FB so far,lol. I do let him know when we are in contact, because it is rare, since we are NOT parenting together, etc. I am also FB friends with him mom. The thing that is so refreshing about our marriage is that we trust each other. that is something that was lacking in most of my other relationships (I think because it was totally lacking in my parents' marriage, apparently for good reason) I tell hubby all the time, that he should be very grateful for my college sweetheart relationship because that was a good, honest, trusting relationship & without that I may not have been ready for 'us'. Take a deep breath & try to figure out if there is any reason not to trust your hubby, with his ex or others, was he unfaithful before, with her or you, etc. My brother-in-law was miserable in his 1st marriage, but stayed because they were friends 1st, then moved in together & her father hated that, so they got married, she was always very depressed :( Well then he met this lovely, happy woman & saw what he was missing. So they spent a lot of time together (but were not intimate, until they had separated). She is not wife #2 & they have 2 wonderful kids. she told me soon after they were married that she didn't know if she could ever completely trust him because if he cheated once, he could do it again. I'm not sure if she still feels that way, now that they have a family-now he's a dad, not just a hubby. just a thought, if that happened to you with him or another man, that may be part of why you are jealous. examine where this is coming from. Good luck.

Well, he discontinued the link. That says he is trying to do what you wish. Keeping good relations with her is keeping good relations with his kids. If there is lots of hostility it can't help but have an effect on him and his kids. Likely he does still genuinely care about her....but remember he is with you.

Personally I would prefer if I were in your situation that they chatted on facebook instead of talking in person, or that they emailed instead of talking, it is less personal, and they are going to have to talk too of course, but if most of it could be limited to chatting and emailing, it would be far less intimate than seeing eachother in person and talking on the phone.

I do think that you should be clear that these conversations need to be short and get what ever they need to work out done. But no matter what working together to parent children will take some communication with eachother, this is true when you are in the same house and will be true otherwise as well.

Now, if they are exchanging personal information ( too personal) or complaining about spouses together, or something else inappropriate, then you are in a place to complain. She has been part of his life and will continue to be because they have kids in common. As long as he keeps it appropriate you need to chill a little. The more possessive and jealous you act, the more that he will have the need to confide in her. I think he is doing all he can to keep you both happy, you because he loves you and wants to be with you and her because she is his kids' mom and he needs to keep cordial communication with her and likely even though they did not work out, he still cares about her.

I know that my parents, who were married for 30 plus years have now been divorced for over 13. They still talk once in a while at times. I know for sure that they have no ideas what so ever about getting together again in any way shape or form. Both of their current spouses, however are totally paranoid about them even being in the same state practically however. But like recently when my mom drove my son down to see my dad, they had to talk. They have kept it cordial, but at the same time they both actually want to know how the other one is. Fact is with my mom, while she would never ever want to be married to my dad again, she does still love him and she always will, I think that goes both ways, but the love she has now is more like how she feels about other relatives or a friend she shared a huge part of her life with. They have lots of negatives in their past but does not totally eliminate the fact they care. There is not a chance in the world however either of them wants to get back together, I am sure of this!

If you have a good relationship with your husband and he has never given you any reason to worry in the past, I would just have a discussion about how it makes you feel when they communicate and ask him what he feels is an appropriate level of communication. Sounds like you may be uncomfortable because you two are not having much communication.

P.S. Maybe YOU should friend her on Facebook too, then YOU could chatt with her when arrangements need to be made as well, just keep it totally civil and kind.

You really come across as very jealous. Your husband deserves a big thank you for choosing *your feelings* over his *personal preference*. The two of you should find a good counselor to work through your communication problems.

I've been in your shoes. It's tough to find that right boundary - which by the way is different in every situation. On one hand your husband is right - he must parent with his ex, which is better if done amicably. However, there are boundaries. Those you have to discuss and agree on. He needs to understand that even though she is the children's Mom, that doesnt' equal his "friend". It won't be solved in one conversation, but continue to let him know how you feel and where you think the boundaries should be - and have that discussion when you are both calm. Good luck and hang in there!

Do you trust your husband? Are you afraid he still loves her? If he wanted to be with her, he would have stayed with her and would not have married you. Staying friends is what is best for his children. If co-parents can also be friends it makes everything better and easier on the children of divorce. There where years after my parents split that they were only co-parents, and it was hard on me. Now that they are friends, and I can invite everyone to special events without worrying about uncomfortableness, it is so much better, and we feel like a family agian, with even more love thrown it (step parents).

I can see communicating over the phone or in person about the CHILDREN. It perfectly fine for him to discuss parenting. Its not fine to have a relationship talking about social events. If this bothers you then he should respect your wishes. Your his wife now not her. Some of us women do get uneasy with an Ex around. I am one of those women also. I think your having a hard time with this because there is to much communication between them and I agree. Your husband does seem like a real nice guy because he does not want to hurt his Ex's feelings , but he really should be considering yours. It is good that they do not fight because that would be hard on the children. So its good that way. At least he is honest with you. But I do agree with you on this one....to much. Now that FB has been updated not including her as one of his friends, maybe you can relax now. Forget the past and start new again. Good Luck!

Well, I agree with you. If my husband had a really close relationship with his ex that he kept private from me, I would have a big problem with it. I'm glad you were able to be calm about telling him how it bothered you and that you wanted him to end the FB thing. And he actually did what you asked! That's a step in the right direction. He made you out to be the "bad guy" to his ex, but that's understandable. He didn't want to unfriend her, but he did it because you asked him to. It sounds like you may have other issues here. Your husband has a very friendly relationship with his ex, and that makes you uncomfortable. It would make me uncomfortable too. If they are on such great terms, why did they get divorced in the first place? If you are having the same argument about your feeling that he likes his ex more than you over and over with no resolution, then maybe it's time for marriage counseling. Good luck!

First, a few questions to ask yourself: How would he feel if you were to do the exact same thing? Does he spend a large amount of time communicating with her and making you feel like you take second place for his time? You said you feel like she takes precedence over you, but you don't give any other examples for me to base an opinion on- is it just the fact that they are friends? If he spends more time with her than you, or makes plans in deference to her without considering you (in matters that involve the whole family, not just parenting stuff) that would seem like she takes precedence in my opinion. And I guess the biggest question- do you think something else is going on?

If there is something going on, obviously the relationship would be inappropriate. If you think he would not allow you to behave this way, that is not okay either (whether you want to or not, or have an ex to communicate with or not, that doesn't matter. just whether he would be okay with it). If your feelings and opinions and time always gets put second to her, that would not be okay.

In reality, every relationship has a different line. My marriage is more allowing of things like this. This scenario would be fine with me, as long as it was out in the open and not a secret. I only had guy friends when I met my husband, and he knew better than to try to change that. And the same was true for him. But if something made me uncomfortable, he should respect that. That is what you are asking your husband to do, and that is your right. But it is his right to get upset about it. It is his right to want to be friends with his ex. I realize that you wanted him to WANT to break off the f.b. relationship with her, but that is not reasonable. He did break it off because you asked him to, that is all you can ask. You can't make him feel differently than he does and suddenly agree with you. You can try to get him to understand your feelings, and he can try to get you to understand his. I think that is where you are both failing. Until you truly understand each other's feelings, you aren't going to be able to come to a compromise, and you certainly aren't going to WANT to behave the way the other is hoping you will behave. He had every right and duty to explain to his ex why he was cutting off fb contact with her. If you feel like it made you seem like the bad guy, maybe it is because you feel defensive (based on what you wrote, it didn't sound like he was trash talking about you, just stating the facts).

I think maintaining a nice relationship with an ex is good for the kids, and better than the alternative. I agree that you should try to be friends with her yourself. Maybe she feels nervous about you- after all you got the guy in the end. She is obviously having to tiptoe around you (I'm sure she knew your feelings even before your husband told her about the fb thing) and maybe she just doesn't want to step on your toes and is trying to be deferential to you. Maybe not, but we can only go off what you write. I think it sounds like your husband is trying to make you happy, even though he doesn't agree with it, and that is pretty nice of him. But that is bound to breed resentment at some point. My thought it that some counseling is in order so that you can learn to communicate better and respect each others' boundaries better, without it feeling like an order and an ultimatum, or a betrayal.

My ex-husband still contacts me from time to time. And my boyfriends ex contacts him. We are both secure in our relationship that it doesnt bother us, but it's not as often as you had described your situation. Honestly, I dont think it would bother me unless I had that gut feeling that something else was going on. I think the previous post is right. If you think he's cheating then you know what to do or how to handle it, because it's your life. But if you honestly don't think he is, explore your feelings of jealosy. And its not bad to be jealous or have insecurities. Almost everyone goes through that at some point in their life. If it really is that bad and you are having a hard time pushing through this issue, maybe try marriage counseling. Good Luck! =)

I'm sorry, I do not think you husband is doing anything wrong. My exboyfriend and I share a daughter. We are friends and talk pretty much everyday. I am happily married, and so is he. I am friends with his wife. He is friends with my husband. It is the best enviornment for our daughter (and our other children). I wouldn't trade our situation for any other in the world. It is not always easy for 4 people to agree on parenting decisions, but we work it out. Unless there is more to the story than you mentioned(like you feel one of them still has feelings for the other), I think this is your problem - not his. Talk to your husband about your feelings. Work through it together. However, this ex is not going away anytime soon. You need to learn to accept her into your life, and be ok with the situation.
Good luck.

Elsa,
He may have done it the way you wanted him to, but he did it because you wanted him to.......stopped being her facebook friend. So honestly, I think he did great!

I'm not you and I don't hear the details of their conversations, but it is good for the kids that they have remained friends. So I'm just gonna flat out ask you: Do you think he is cheating? If you do, then I think you know what to do, but if you don't then I would ask you to explore your feelings of jealousy and see if you and your husband can sit down and talk without accusations and demands.

Consider being friendly to her yourself. You don't have to be her best friend and you can tell your husband you don't want him to be her best friend, but you can all be friendly. Get to know her better for the benefit of the kids and fight any jealous feelings towards her. You can do this. You and your husband just need to discuss and set boundaries so that you both are more comfortable.......compromise.

If he has children with her then he should have a business parenting relationship with her, end of story. No facebooking, no talking about personal issues, if it doesn't have to with the kids then he shouldn't be talking with her. You are not a jealous, whining wife, he was being inconsiderate. Now that he is off of facebook with her tell him how much you appreciate him doing that. Tell him how good it made you feel for him to see how uncomfortable it made you & that you want him to have a good parenting relationship with her, but that's it.

If it doesn't get better, then try counseling...

Good luck & God Bless!

I know how you feel. It would be great for him to be "civil" with his ex...to get along...for the child(s) sake.......but to have a friendship of text messaging and FB without having you involved is wrong!! Who knows what they are saying via text.......If they are going to keep their "friendship" and have nothing to hide, they need to include you since you are the wife!!!!!
He needs to show respect to you and only talk to her if it involves parenting!
If the ex wife cannot be mature enough to be cordial to you....then she shouldn't be allowed to be texting your husband.
I don't like how he was on the phone with his ex when you left to go work out either....I think he was just chatting with her since you were gone.
Did he tell you before you wen to work out that he was going to call her to tell her how you felt?
Make sure you check to see if they are still texting much.....facebooking much....check to see what they talk about if you can check his phone.....
Check online for your cell phone.....you can see exactly how many and what times....etc....they are texting back and forth to eachother!!!!!
An occassional text is fine....but mulitple texts every day is not in my opinion!!!!
Hope it works out well for you..and NO...you are NOT being unreasonable at all.......I know exactly how you feel.

I think it's great that your husband can have a civil relationship with his ex for the sake of the kids. Do they have to be best buds is another issue. I think its okay to have female friends and even be friendly with an ex wife. But, I don't blame you for feeling sort of left out of this relationship. If she wants to be friends with him that's fine but she needs to realize that he is married and if she wants to be friendly with him then she needs to extend that friendship to you as well. I feel that its disrespectful for her to call your husband or e-mail him about anything that does not involve the kids.
Next time she e-mails him or calls (if she calls the house) be friendly to her. Laugh with her and be the must secure and nonjealous person you can be. If she has any desire to have your husband this will through her a curve ball. Plus, you might brust your husband's ego as well. He might just not place so much importance on this friendship anymore because now all the "sting" is gone. Shake them up a bit.
Also, he did not have to call right away and let her know that they could not be FB friends anymore. All he had to do was block her from the account. It was not that important.

It sounds like you don't have trust in your marriage. We all come with a past. When you marry someone, you have to accept their past. They can't change their past just because they met you and love you.

When I met my husband, most of my friends were guys and most of his friends were girls. That was part of who we were. I try very hard to seek out other women as friends now, and he trys to seek out other men as friends. However, I am not going to ditch my friends of 20 years just because they are male. And some of them are exboyfriends. One man, whom I dated for 3+ years, lived with for a short time, and had a serious relationship with is still a good friend. Just because I had feelings for him in the past does not mean I do now, nor do I ever want to re-kindle that relationship. However, he was there for me during some really rough times, and I will always appreciate him for that.

When my husband and I first started dating, we discussed this. I told him that I don't expect him to end relationships with female friends, but I do expect for him to keep it out in the open and we agreed that this was a reasonable way to handle our pasts. I have met several of my husband's exgirfriends, and he has met several of my ex BFs. Whenever either of us speaks to someone of the opposite sex, we choose to share that with eachother. My husband has gone to dinner with my exs and vise-versa.

This only works because we trust eachother and we are completely open about it. My husband is in the military which can lead to lots of distrust in a relationship, but he says he feels better knowing I have other guys I can call on if I have a problem while he is gone. He knows that he is my priority, so who cares if some other guy helps me fix my computer while he is deployed. I am also glad he has a support network of friends - we all need friends outside our marriage, no matter how strong our marriage is.

If I were you I would address the root of the problem - your lack of trust and communication. It is ok that they are friends, but he needs to be open with you about his communication with her, not hiding it. You need to respect his NEED to remain FRIENDS (not just aquaintances) with the mother of his children. You need to acknowledge that friends talk about more than parenting. And you need to make a HUGE attempt to become friendly with this woman (and her spouse if she has one) as well. Maybe start a family dinner night once or twice a month where both sets of parents and the kids sit down to dinner together. If you got to know her some and see your husband's relationship with her in a casual enviroment, you might start feeling more comfortable and more included. Become part of this parenting team rather than looking in from the outside and feeling hurt. Also, getting to know her might make her feel less threatening. She could become a mutual friend rather than "his ex".

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to remember that there was a reason he and his ex split up. You also need to remember that there are important reasons they need to remain friends. Consider that you can be more involved in making this new family dynamic work rather than trying to make him choose his past or you. As the mother of his children, she is part of his family dispite their divorse. Just like any other inlaws you might have been blessed with by your marriage to him, his children and their mother are now family. There is no value to building a rift in his family just to be the only woman he speaks too.

Good Luck!!

I understand how you might feel. I got a request from an ex to be friends on facebook recently, and I had to tell him sorry, but I do not friend exes on facebook. This is just my opinion, because I think what is in the past is best left in the past, or it hinders you from moving on to a better present.

That being said, it sounds like your husband really cares for his ex (well, obviously there's a reason he was married to her - because he probably loved her and thought he'd spend forever with her, too). Again, I can understand how you'd want to set your boundaries and make it clear to him how you feel. It's not worth being in a relationship when the partner is cheating/having strong feelings for someone else. While it doesn't necessarily sound like he's cheating, per se, it sounds like he is not always prioritizing his relationship to you. Maybe he never quite let go of his ex. Maybe in his mind it is just an innocent friendship. Who knows? What matters (because you are the one who wrote) is how you feel about what he is doing, and how you want to resolve this.

If you want to stay with your husband and resolve the relationship, it seems like the best way to do so is to trust him, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him communicate with his ex however he wants to. You could have gone that route. But intuition is a powerful thing, and if you get the sense that your needs are being sidelined over those of his ex's, then be clear that you won't stand for this, and that having no relationship is better than having a bad relationship. It is not really fair for him to use his ex to talk about "fun" things with, if he is using it as an escape from reality.

Real marriages are hard work, and if he is on facebook to escape, it's a wrong relationship he has with his ex. The fact that he called her and apologized to her for you seems like he wants her attention and wants her to know you are a beeyatch. Sorry, but he could have just dropped her from his list, or sent an email. This is not leading to a good place, if he has labeled you as the insecure one, and blames you for stopping his fun. We are all adults here, not 17-year-old wannabes... unfortunately, social networking sites like facebook can bring out the immature kid in a lot of us. That is just my opinion.

Hook up with an old boyfriend, just as friends, and giggle alot. Have "private" conversations just out of your husbands hearing and hang up quickly when he gets close enough to hear. Maybe even talk to an old flame and see if they are willing to play the game with you? When it starts bothering your husband, make a deal....Did he tell you he called her to tell her he was discontinuing his FB link to her, because it bothered you and that he was sorry. Or did you actually hear him say this? Or was he covering for calling her the moment that you left the house?
He didn't want to hurt her feelings. Hmmmmmm

Ask him if he would like for you to do the same thing he is doing and go from there.

I've also wanted to delete questions/answers. You can't. One of the bigger flaws of Mamapedia.

You are probably right. But don't be too hard on yourself now. Calm down and talk with your husband when you are ready. Tell him what makes you feel insecure - if it's something he does or has done or what. You seem to have a loving, loyal husband there so he will listen to you. Just give back in return and thank him for responding to you. A lot of husbands don't. For example, one mom here (I don't recall who) has a boyfriend who wouldn't even spend more than 5 minutes with their baby daughter. Even when she started walking, he just looked up, smiled and that was it. A caring father would've been excited by that, you know? It was hard and of course it hurt the mother's feelings so much. So you are in fact, blessed, judging by your post.

Just take it easy on both yourself and him. He isn't hiding anything. You can take your time.

I'd just add that it is important for children to see their parents getting along well. It is hard enough for them to see Mom and Dad split up, what more if they weren't on speaking terms? I know because my parents lived apart when I was little. So keep in mind your husband may not just be thinking of himself or his ex, he is thinking of his children.

Take care and good luck to you both.

Look under your account and it says "my stuff" you should be able to delete it from there. Good Luck!! If not there, somewhere in your account status!!

I see your point, however you husband doesn't so be happy that he is willing to sever this part of his relationship with his ex this way. It may help him if you put it in writing.

What's happenning in your marriage is not right. He does not want to hurt her feelings because she's the mother of his children? Why did he leave her and marry you? Does it mean he can hurt your feelings because you are not the mother of his children?

He is still nursing the thought one day they can get back together, he probably married you to make her jealous. Emotional blackmail. Just think carefully, if he does not stop, you are better off moving on.

I am sorry to be blunt but people like him hurt you all the time.

If your husband could help you to feel secure in your relationship, then I guess it could be possible for him to maintain a friendship with his ex, and mother of his children....but if you feel insecure, and he isn't helping you to realize that you truly have nothing to worry about, then yes I think it is fair that the boundaries be more clear. You are the woman that he chooses to be with now, and you deserve to feel respected and feel that you both trust each other. It is not healthy for either of you to always be worried about what he maybe doing or saying on FB or anywhere else with his ex. When you feel you can trust that your relationship is safe then maybe his friendship with his ex could be possible.
best of luck... no one likes to feel they are being jealous or suspicious.
It would be helpful if he could look at this from your point of view too.

I can really understand your feelings since she is not extending friendship to you. The father of my children's new woman who became their step mother sent us baklava and other delicious things she baked.
Eventually we met for coffee or would talk on the street in town when we met up whether he was present or not.
It's not like it was a very tight friendship but I was comfortable when she came to family events because she reached out to me.
This is not your situation. Your husband's ex creates mistrust and hurt feelings and he does too by having an exclusive friendship with her.

He needs to be open about what is going on in their conversations. If he is hiding something, then I would say, your feelings are legit.

He did the right thing. The problem with the new technology is, we all make mistakes with it, including what would be inappropriate without the technology is suddenly OK with the technology (texting)?

I think it's great that the ex and him can get along so well. I suggest that if there is any way to build a bridge with the ex between you and her, I would do it.

I think if the two of you (ex and you) had a relationship maybe this wouldn't be as big a problem. I became friends with my ex's ex - she was very nice. We became friends, because my ex had a son from his first marriage. I knew, however, that he would never cheat on me, and that their relationship as husband and wife was over.

I am still friends with all my ex-boyfriends and I've been married for 25 yrs. They are a part of my past, good times and bad... but do I love them? Do I want to be with them rather than my husband? NO. Your husband married you and you need to be secure enough with yourself and your own sense of self-worth and self-confidence before you can expect him to fulfill all of that for you. He needs to be cordial with is ex for the sake of their kids. They will always have a past that was filled with good times (hey, they have kids) and with bad times (they are divorced). He married you and loves you dearly. He did what you asked and severed the FB link. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings and he needs to let her know that it's out of respect for you, it sounds as though he was trying to do that while you were out.

Suggestion, make some Kodak moments for your marriage, create some memories... do things together, go out as a couple and then with friends. Create a past that you can build your future upon. Fill his time with you and your time with him. Be confident in yourself and the confidence in your marriage will grow.

It's great that he's not bitter and letting his past eat him up. Don't let it consume you now.