Marriage Help - Cypress,TX

Please get a new therapist. Any therapist/counselor who tells you that you won't get over this for 10 years is setting you up for unhappiness and guaranteeing themselves income! If they aren't helping you, move on to someone who can.

M., I am so sorry.
I have never been through this, I think some marriages can move past affairs, if both husband and wife are willing to put equal effort into making it whole again.
I dont know that I could ever move on with the way he is acting.

I do not say this flippantly, but this relationship is beyond help. It takes two to make a marriage work and he is not even trying. Physically being around does not count. Going to therapy and clamming up does not count. I am very sorry for you, but I think you already know what the answer is.

Step 1 - Fire the therapist and get a new one.
Step 2 - Your love has never been in question but his is.
Step 3 - Decide and determine how you want to be treated and what you expect from him.
Step 4 - Let him know what you want and what you expect.
Step 5 - Pull away and wait. (In the pull away, get a hobby, meet new friends, join organizations or groups to fill your time.)
Step 6 - Stop comparing yourself to this other woman in how he treats each of you. If you want him to treat you differently be different.

Seems to me like he doesn't want to be accountable for what happened. He just wants to go forward without looking back at the past, business as usual but going forward will never work without taking a glance at the past. For example, when driving you always check your rear view mirror to see where you were, it helps you to move forward smoothing. The same applies here. If he won't do that, that's fine but you don't have to be emotionally vested in this marriage either which is where the hobbies, activities, and groups come in handy. Teach your husband he must pursue and woo you again. Don't ask for him to or demand but let him respond to your actions as you pull away and get more strength. A new therapist can and will help you with this. Your soon to be former therapist is just in it for the money. Time to send him or her packing so you can move forward in your life. You do have the power to have that happen for yourself.

I really hope this helps.

Oh honey. If what you are looking for from your husband is emotional support, trust, the knowledge that history isn't going to repeat itself... well... from your story, I don't see how you'll ever have that with your current husband. He has cheated on you more than once. He knowingly took actions that hurt you. He walked out on you. He isn't willing to work on your marriage. And he's not taking responsibility for his actions. That's not a man you can trust. Maybe he can become "the one" again for you, but until he takes steps to prove himself, he's not it. And FYI - if you're brainwashing yourself to be happy so that your whole family will be happy... it's not going to work. Your kids can tell when you're truly happy and when you're faking it.

Talk to your therapist about how to work on what YOU want, not what your controlling, cheating, unsupportive husband wants.

You "wrote his vows for him from material I found on line". This is the problem to me. Why would you tell him what to say to you about how he feels about you and the marriage? That means nothing if he's the type to just go along with you and not communicate about issues, etc. He's letting you run the marriage it sounds like to me. History may repeat itself but you'll have to learn to communicate and let him tell you how he feels about you and life with you. He isn't giving you the emotional support you need you say. Find out why not. Not knowing what went wrong in your marriage before is a problem too. You need to ask him and when he says he doesn't know or remember just ask him what you can do to make the marriage better. Even though he is the one who had the affair, if you want to stay with him and make it work, you need to find out what you can do to make it better. Then you'll know why he wasn't happy....maybe. Or maybe he just is someone you can't trust. You'll have to find that out over time.

He has a problem. He is selfish - end of story. He has done wrong and has never suffered consequences. You are allowing him to continue down his path of selfishness.

He has it made! He had a few affairs, he left you, he wanted to come home and you let him, he doesn't want to talk about it. He is in control. Has all the control and doesn't have to answer to noone. He is living his dream life. And you are letting him.

Is that how you want to live? Do you really want to be the wife of the guy who keeps having affairs and keeps taking him back with no consequences? Take back your marriage. Its yours too, not just his. This is your life too, not just his. This is your family too, not just his. Raise your expectations foryour family...if he can't live up to it then why in the world would you want to be with someone who doesn't strive to meet them?

I totally get you want to love and honor and cherish him...who wouldn't after all those years of marriage? But as much as you want to love and trust him, he has to know he HAS to be worthy of your love and worthy of your trust. Or else neither of you will be able to move forward, grow, learn, forgive, heal, and strengthen your marriage. And neither of you will be happy.

Don't get hung up on him anymore. You are still a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sibling, a team member, a member of the community...you are so much more than just a cheating husband's wife. Be the best and kindest and compassionate and giving mother, friend, daughter, sibling and team player you can be. Don't waste all your focus and efforts on your husband or else if he leaves/cheats again there won't be anything left of you.

You can do it. You know you can.

*just read your swh...of course he didn't have a problem with reading the vows...he didn't have to do any of the work coming up with them or even writing them out! Again, you are doing all the work while you aren't holding accountable for anything. Stop already! Just because you love him doesn't mean you should let him think he doesn't have to make any kind of effort.

All I can say is if therapy isn't helping and your husband won't talk about it, you will never trust him and you will never be happy. No way would I have worked through similar issues with my husband (which were at the start of our relationship prior to marriage) if he refused to work on them.

We have gone to counseling several times in 11 years to work on our issues and get past them, new ones pop up and sometimes we lose sight of how to correctly communicate.

You guys need to work on communication and he needs to open up. Otherwise you should take a break from him and see if it's what you really want. It doesn't sound like he has ever been faithful, and it doesn't sound like he WANTS to make it work. I'm sorry :(.

ETA: You wrote the vows he said to you? I'm sorry, but I think that was PRIME time for him to tell you how he felt and he didn't. Why did you renew your vows if you are so unhappy?

The fact that you never fought is a big clue here. Fighting shows caring, if you won't fight for something then you don't care so much about it. The same as the opposite of love is not hate it's apathy. Apathy means you do not care.
This is HIS issue not yours. From what you have said it sounds to me that he simply doesn't care about you and he never has. I don't mean to be harsh but it's time to see him for who he is and move on. For me cheating is a deal breaker -- he has cheated twice. Something is wrong with him emotionally. He never matured emotionally to be a man who can commit himself to a marriage or a family.
Also find a new therapist. Your therapist should have been able to show you his lack of feeling for you and your marriage.
My advise is to seek out a new therapist, a divorce attorney and start anew with confidence as a single woman.

You took him back without requiring that he do any work or show any remorse or make any changes. So in his mind I am sure he feels that he gets away with it. He doesn't sound capable of change and I would bet that he will stray again. It sounds like he came home because there was no where else to go. Sorry. I would explore in therapy why you still want to be with someone that treats you his way. You deserve better and you should demand better.

As I read Kimberly F.'s post I was reminded of a book that helped me tremendously. It's The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. What helped me and still sticks with me today many years later is something along the line of how when we try to be close the other person pulls away and when each reaches a comfortable distance they come together again. This sort of dance goes on over and over until eventually both find the right amount of intimacy.

I suggest that because you're wanting to be close, your husband is pulling away. Because he's not dealt with issues including possibly his own sense of guilt he's not comfortable being close with you. So you make some distance. As Kimberly suggested, get a hobby, join a woman's group, find ways to meet your emotional needs without him. All the while you're doing this be friendly but not needy. Learning how to pull away in a productive way will take time. And then waiting until he comes to you will be hard. Give it a try.

I have no suggestions on how to have a happy marriage because it doesn't sound like to me your hubby is there because he loves you. It sounds like he's there because he had no one else and nowhere else to go when his affair ended. Some people just can't/won't be alone, no matter what. Your hubby sounds like one of those people.

The fact that he won't open up to you or in counseling tells me that he really doesn't want to work on anything and he's not interested in changing or having a happy family life. He just wants someone there cleaning his house and taking care of him. I don't even think he cares if you take care of the kids as long as you take care of him.

Personally, I think it's time to call it quits before he finds someone else and does it to you all over again. I would bet a million dollars (if I had it) that he will do it again!

You want so badly to be happy that you are willing to minimize certain things. I would be hurt too behind all this. He does not seem vested in this marriage as much as you are. He came back because things didnt work out with the girlfriend. You are always going to question if he's going to stray when he's unhappy again. He's just going through the motions until the next opportunity to bolt. This is really hard. You might be fooling yourself. Think about it -you wrote his vows. YOU wrote them, not him. Those were your words NOT his. You will continue to feel it all for the both of you. You will continue to carry it all for the both of you. You will continue to do all the work in the relationship. You will continue to allow him to give the very minimal. You have not had enough yet. Are you really holding him accountable for his actions? This sounds like denial. You can get passed this, but not if only you are working toward a honest resolution. Good luck.

Well my first piece of advice is to find a new therapist! Therapy is supposed to help you sort out and deal with your feelings and emotions. It sounds like the person you are seeing is not helping at all. Therapists are like medication, sometimes you need to try different ones before you find one that works.
As far as your relationship with your husband? I don't know, but it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. And what's up with all the FBing and texting? I know we all communicate like this nowadays but when my husband and I are having serious and/or emotional problems or issues we don't communicate that way. We TALK, even if it's over the phone. I just don't see how this resembles a relationship, let alone a marriage, in any way shape or form.
Sorry, I hope you are able to figure it out and be happy again, one way or another.

I am so sorry. I can hear your pain with reading your post. I do not have any advice that your would want to hear. This happened to me also a long time ago. He is now my ex. I wish you luck and hope you find peace within yourself. One day you will know what to do. Forgive and move on or just move on. It will come to you. Big hug for you.

I know you said not to suggest marriage counseling, but I'm going to anyway. You need a marriage counselor that is NOT your own personal individual therapist. He needs to feel comfortable talking with a therapist that he believes won't take sides. Of course he froze up. Does that make sense to you? He needs a therapist that he feels is neutral.

A therapist will also not tell him what's wrong with him, but will help you BOTH work out mutual issues in the relationship and teach you how to communicate together. The communication issues aren't one sided. What happened isn't your fault in any way, but it also did not happen in a vacuum.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I went through something very similar. For me, forgiveness was the easy part. Moving past the lies and betrayal was not.

I'm guessing you've asked him questions about her and the affair. Before you ask questions, really decide if you want to know the answer. If he's trying to earn back your trust he'll answer the questions, but it may do more damage to you.

You will have to stop comparing your relationship to the one he had with the gf if you truly want to make this work. I understand you feeling like he needs to prove his love and commitment to you, but if every time he does something you're comparing it to the relationship with the gf it will never work.

To work, you have to stop punishing him. Trust me, I KNOW how difficult that is. I wasn't able to do it (granted, he didn't try for long), but I did push him away and I do take ownership for that part in it.

Guys usually have affairs because THEY are not happy with themselves and their lives. It's not you. Talk to him and find out why he was unhappy and what he thought he could get with the gf. It sounds like he discovered the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Keep putting in the effort and one day, you'll realize you really do trust and love him. Keep making the effort.

It is truly hell to go through and I wish you peace.

I'm sure these great ladies have given you some wise words and I'm not going to read them all, but maybe my words will reiterate a common theme for you. You are brainwashing yourself to be happy. I think we probably all do that in some way. Your husband is completely responsible for the promises he made to you, the ways in which he has kept those promises, and the ways in which he has broken them. I can feel you already saying "but...". It's time to put on paper exactly who he is now. What he does on a regular basis that is right for the way a husband behaves and what is wrong for the way a husband behaves. Make a third column for what you are not sure about-- the fuzzy areas that you aren't comfortable with but aren't sure whether or not they should be overlooked/forgiven easily. Then you get to work finding out if those things in the fuzzy column are truly things that should be overlooked. You will need help with this because it will be about enlightenment and changing your perception. Put things down in bold facts without any excuse or explanation. Things like: He cheated on me. He makes enough money to pay the bills. He shows physical affection to our children. He lies. When you are tempted to write something that has to do with feelings, write instead the evidence. Like instead of He loves me, write He thanks me for washing his clothing, He kisses me goodbye, He smiles at me. You probably won't have to write every tiny detail before you start to see. But it will be a good reminder for you when you want to excuse things for him again. Good luck and God bless.

Sounds to me that he found out that the grass just wasn't greener on the other side. What happens the next time he decides to be curious? It sounds like he publicly humiliated you for 3 months and flaunted his affair. He doesn't seem that he is really trying to work on things...I am so sorry.

OK--I get what Krista is saying about forgiveness being a choice.
They say forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, right?

BUT...I'm sorry, your husband doesn't seem to want any accountability for what he has done or how much he hurt you. (Or his kid.)

You're supposed to accept that & be happy with the bones he throws you?
He read vows you wrote for him.
He admitted his wrongs but only because you insisted.
Making everythink "look" OK, doesn't mean that it is.
I know you love your husband.
If he won't agree to participate in therapy, I think he's living a charade.
And you might want o look for a new therapist.
Good luck--all the best.

His lack of empathy for you leads me to suspect that he is a narcissist and not just your everyday ego driven self-absorbed variety either. Look up narcissism on wikipedia for a list of behaviors typical of the clinical narcissist. If after reading it you feel he qualifies I would suggest reading an article entitled Narcissism in the Pulpit. It's rather long and even though the context is dealing with a narcissistic pastor the content is full of quotes by experts that apply to any narcissist and will arm you with the information that is very helpful. I would also copy clip it into a blank document because the website looks like it hasn't been updated in over a decade and the background is very busy.

My heart breaks for you and I hope you find the peace and joy you seek.

Look for publications from Mark Lasser.

well I know this will be a strange response but it helps to look at it from the other view. I'm kind of like your husband except that I have NEVER cheated. What I mean to say is that I'm not the affectionate one; my husband used to be very affectionate and now is still the affectionate one (he's toned it down since I'm just not comfortable with so much touchy/feely stuff on a constant basis). I've occasionally instigated a hug or kiss,holding of hands, etc. But it's rare, let me tell you. And if my husband makes a big deal out of it, I quit altogether for a good while. Basically, I grew up with parents who fought all the time and acted divorced long before they signed the papers. So I never saw/knew what a (happy) marriage should be like. I'm a skeptic when it comes to that considering that I know so many divorced family members and friends AND I know so many friends of mine who fight and/or are unhappy and complain about their husbands.
I won't go into detail how my husband and I hooked up and stayed a couple. I love my husband but am not "in love" with him. We are very compatible together yet we argue/disagree sometimes and then get past that by compromising and not holding a grudge. It's definitely a team institution, not a one-sided/one-partner institution.
I do know that my parents never cheated on one another (or I could be delusional about that part but that's what it seemed like to me). It sounds to me like your husband's parents might have cheated (or one of them did) on one another. He loves you, may not be in love with you, but loves you and wants to be like his parents (because that's all he knows) and so feels that there's really nothing else he CAN do that's in his comfort zone.
There are deal-breakers in every marriage. At least there should be (IMO). I've told my husband what they are. He's told me what his are. You and your husband need to sit down and tell one another what the deal-breakers are for your marriage. Period. Which means stick to your decision/deal-breakers and do NOT stay together for the kids. PLEASE! :)

It takes work. Work that, in my opinion, happens in counselling. If he won't go to a "regular" therapist, find out if your church offers any programs for couples.

And if you aren't going to church, find one. It's amazing what happens to marriages when God takes the lead.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You will have to grieve the loss of your dream of the perfect marriage with no pain, and then let it go. But the good news is, you get to have a new dream. It will be different but it is with your husband and kids.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger to find out what went wrong in the marriage. Don't ask your husband. Guys do not like to talk about their feelings, their hurts, what went wrong, etc. Stop asking. Just move forward. Every time the thought pops into your head about what happened in the past, replace it IMMEDIATELY with the new dreams and positive things that are happening. You have to decide to stop marinating in the ugly stuff and keep going back to the beautiful stuff. Stop expecting your guy to act a certain way. In the book you will find out how he wants you to act. When we start treating our men the way they need to be treated, we will get a whole different response. We have the power to change the whole dynamic.

Stop acting like a robot and act like a young girl who is trying to impress her boyfriend. Be happy and fun to be around. Let your kids see you happy. Plan some fun activities with the whole family. Make some fun memories.

The pain will always be there, but you can keep picking at it like a scab or you can let it heal and stop looking at it all the time. Your whole focus should not be on what he did but on the fact he chose to come back to you. Many women could only wish for this opportunity for a second chance.

Have some fun again and do NOT bring up the past ever again.

my advice and i really hope you take it is find another therapist. you would be surpprised at how a man will be more willing to see a male theripist than a woman. and truly it dosent sound like he wants to work things out. also you cannot take what a jilted other woman says to you for truth. she is hurt that he went back to his wife. try a church counciler. i know you said not to suggest it but on the fact that your current theripast is not really helping you. if youw ere sick and the doctor wanst helpign you dont you go find anohter doctor. go find someone who will help you.

Oh, M.! Just wanted to say how sorry i am, but, honey you need to stop being a door mat. I don't know if I could ever get over something like what you have gone through. The fact that you had to write his wedding vows says a lot about his commitment (or lack thereof) to this relationship. But if you are both committed to making it work, then you absolutely have to put forth the effort. You cannot pretend this thing away. The greek root for the word "therapy" means literally WORK, to tend to something. If your husband truly does LOVE you and if he truly does want to make your marriage work, you both need to do the WORK. That being said, your therapist doesn't sound like a very good one. As others have suggested, you need to find a new one and one you are both comfortable with. It will take time for him to feel comfortable, but if wants to make this work, then you simply have to do the WORK. There is NO way you can get over all of this without it. There is NO way he will stop doing what he did unless he is equally as committed to therapy. Pulling the covers over your head is not the answer for either of you.

If you and your husband can't communicate, your marriage is doomed. It is that simple. I would make marriage counseling a condition of reconciliation. If he can't or won't, then end it for good. Better to be alone than put up with less than you deserve. Your vow renewal is just empty words when there are no actions behind it.