Marriage Help - Spring Hill,FL

I think we need details... the situation would have a bearing on the answer. It sounds like there's more going on than just "he won't help".

A.:

Love has NEVER been "enough" to make a marriage work - it takes mutual respect and friendship.

it sounds as if your husband is having major issues and he doesn't respect you enough to help out. I wonder if he's depressed too (to not like your job, well, that is stressful enough add on a wife AND child who have health issues - well, I'm sorry (not trying to be rude) but that's got to put stress levels through the roof).

1. Talk with his mother - find out what their marriage is like - does she do it all? If he grew up with the dad "bringing home the bacon" then those are his expectations. Find out HOW his parents marriage works/worked. It sets up the expectations for his won.

2. Talk to him about his expectations and YOURS. Setup a schedule for things to be done - my hubby takes care of the outside - I take care of the inside. I should be more specific - he does the "fixing" of stuff that I break on the inside - he does handyman stuff.....I cook, clean, etc.

3. If he doesn't like his job - have him put his resume out there so he can find a job that he likes. yes, the market is tough - but companies ARE hiring.

4. Learn how to communicate with each other. Yelling and screaming at each other are NOT acceptable means of communication in a marriage. You have allowed him to do this and now it's become habit. A habit which will be hard to break. No, you are NOT his mother, but HE could take you telling him what to do as that.

you are a SAHM, your child really doesn't NEED to go to day care. When mine were younger, they went part-time when they were 18months for social interaction and to give me time to get the grocery shopping done, etc.

No marriage is perfect - oh my!!! I wish mine was - but it works. We aren't in a fairy tale - but overall I can't complain (yes, I do every once in a while, but really!!!) We've had our good days, not so good days and our bad days.

When we fight - we DO NOT hit below the belt. One of us will state "i'm angry and I am going to cool off" - as we both learned from our first marriages that tings said in anger can NEVER be taken back.

It's OKAY to demand that he respect you - you ARE his wife. But you have to respect him too (right now, it will be hard - I get that!!! he's being a jerk - but find out WHY he's being a jerk)....Get back to why you two fell in love - marriage is a full-time job - it TAKES WORK. Who EVER said it was easy - well, they were high! :)

Date nights. Even if it means that you two do SOMETHING together at home after the kids go to bed...then so be it - but it's the TWO of you. Talk with each other - don't start off sentences or conversations with YOU MAKE ME FEEL or YOU MAKE ME - it will put you/him on the defensive and make a spark for a fight. I FEEL, I AM SAD, I AM HURT, etc. I NEED, do it calmly and with love....I know that will be hard when he's done a great job of hurting you.

Trying marriage counseling too. I hope things work out!!

A.,
It does sound like your hubby is depressed and unfortunately it’s rubbing off onto you. I would gently approach him on this and ask him if there is anything that is bothering him. Find something he likes and do it with him (i.e. foot massage, favorite meal or movie). He is obviously unresponsive (at least positively) when he is cranky so try to get him in a good mood. Then tell him that you love him and ask him about helping out around the house; tell him that you are doing your best but having a hard time managing the household alone. If this does not work then I would highly recommend counseling; you will need some kind of arbitrator involved in order to get your point properly validated by him. I would strongly recommend against abandoning him with your child for the day. In a normal healthy relationship this might be ok, but in this case it will only make him bitter and angry with you (Since I am not sure of all circumstances I would also be worried about neglect for the child; only you know if this applies). Good luck A. and let us know how it turns out.

Here's O. possibility...he thinks that being at home all day with a baby and keeping the house is a walk in the park. I think he just might need what we moms refer to as a "baptism by fire"! Pick a day that he is off and schedule some stuff for yourself. Make sure your cell phone is on but don't answer it. (Just check your messages in case of actual emergency.) Leave something out which has been mentioned is "for dinner" and VACATE for the day. The learning curve for this is very quick. It should only take O. day...at home...tending to a baby...and getting things done...and he should step up the helpfulness a bit!
Good luck.
Maybe this didn't answer your actual question: When does love stop being enough? BUT if this attitude is new since you are a SAHM, it might be something to consider doing.
Good luck.

when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. one day you will just snap and it will be over. nobody can tell you when that will be. you will know when its over in your mind. you wil say enough is enough and leave. Merry christmas and I do understand. you know as well as I know you deserve better but you have to decide when your boundries have been crossed.

Maybe it is too much pressure for him being a one income family. MAybe he is having money problems and is not telling you about them. It would be alot of pressure for anyone. How old is your baby? I would sit down and have a talk with him and ask him if in a nice way if something is bothering him.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. The only help I can give you is that maybe you should go get some counseling to help you sort out what is going on in your relationship. I would suggest couples counseling as well but I doubt your husband would be willing to make such an effort at this time. But I think you should definitely get some counseling on your own so that you can figure out what your options and how and when best to make your move.

Honestly, I've been in a relationship with a screamer and someone who didn't have the right mental attitude to be a husband to me. You need two people to have a relationship and you should not feel afraid to speak honestly with your husband lest you receive a tongue thrashing from him. I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to continue this relationship how it is now but, before you completely separate from it, I think speaking with a counselor first will hopefully help give you some useful tools on how to deal with your husband and what you want for you and your daughter going forward.

Please take care. Sending prayers your way.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He probably just hates household work and feels stressed and tired...maybe you feel the same, but you are just more socially mature and able to express your feelings.

If this is the main issue in your marriage, just let it go. If you can't manage it all, just start doing it on your own (without asking him to do anything), and then tell him gently that you have tried to do it all but you haven't been able to manage it and you will need to hire some help. Look up how much it will cost and tell him that you will work it into the budget.

Or, you can try to find more efficient ways of doing things, to save time. I used to hate dusting, but now I keep handy a basket of the kids' socks that are too small or have holes, to use for disposable dust mitts. When I walk through the areas that collect the most dust, I slip a sock over my fingers and swipe until it is covered, then toss it away. It makes me feel like I got my money's worth on the socks! Also, I hate wiping the table so I keep some stain-free water-bead table cloths. I have a tiny brush and dustpan for brushing up the dry crumbs from the table, and when the cloth gets wet or marked, I just change it. And I run the dishwasher regularly, even if it isn't totally full, to keep the counter clear of dishes.

There has to be "hats" for everyone, so everybody knows what they are to do. And you have to agree on that. It sounds as if you have one idea, and he has another.
The way we figured that out was using the Dianetics marriage course, so I'd say find the closest Dianetics place, and that the course, you can do it together or just do the course alone- it will give you amazing ideas, on how to get the fighting out of this.
or contact me for more info, too
best, k

It sounds like maybe he's depressed or overwhelmed. Maybe he DOES feel like everything is a chore. Have you tried having a talk with him and really listening? I mean, would it be okay with you for him to be able to say how he feels? Even if you don't like hearing it? Sometimes a person just needs to be able to say that they really think things super, super suck and being able to say that makes them feel better. It doesn't have to be something you take personally.
Money is causing problems for lots of couples I know. The stress is incredible. Maybe your husband is just feeling like he like a hamster on a wheel and no matter what he does, he never seems to get anywhere. As a single mother, I know I have certainly felt that way.
It can really wear on a person.
I know you say you can't work due to back problems, but there are jobs that don't require physical activity. It sounds like you have a little one at home, so it's hard to know if you could earn enough to make daycare worth it.
I would try to find a way to communicate with each other. You should be able to ask him things without him getting angry and he should be able to tell you how he's feeling that causes him to act the way he does without you getting angry as well.

I wish you the best.

with your disability can you pick her up or at least use a sling?
Can you share (I understand if you can't or don't want to - pretty private things) what medical issue keeps her from being able to go to care?
I am asking from a chronically ill/in pain person standpoint. I have a bit different twists than a lot of people:)

Hi A.,
I'm sorry you are having a tough time in your marriage. All marriages go through tough spots. Really.
It's hard to counsel based on the limited information. Do both of you work outside of the home? Does he work extremely long hours? When do you approach him for help? How do you approach him? With honor and respect? Or nagging and upset, thinking he should already know this needs to be done? I have found that if I approach my husband in respect, asking if he would be able to help me with something, and when does he think he might have time for it, he is more joyful about helping. If I am a nag, attacking him because I'm frustrated, it doesn't go as well. I'm not saying it is all my fault or all his, but the way we approach people in any situation makes a difference in their response. It just does. What is he doing in his "down" time? Does he spend time with video games and tv? Those two things are some of the worst enemies to families. I would encourage you to get rid of those if at all possible. People become in bondage to these things, and find an apathy to anything productive, like working with the family. It is a huge problem, especially with men in our society. They just don't want to grow up. Sit down when he is in a good mood, and talk about these things with him. Ask him what his vision is for his family. Ask him how you can help him reach that vision. Ask him how he views your roles in the home. Ask him if he is offended to help around the house. Talk about these things without being offended yourself. Study him and see what he wants out of life and out of his family. You are his helper. This is how we were designed. You are a team, and are equal, but have different roles.
Now, if he requires you to work outside of the home to meet the financial needs of your home, then it is definitely fitting that he should help you with your homemaking responsibilities. He might not like it, but you can't do it all. Nobody can. Best wishes, and hang in there.

Updated

Hi A.,
I'm sorry you are having a tough time in your marriage. All marriages go through tough spots. Really.
It's hard to counsel based on the limited information. Do both of you work outside of the home? Does he work extremely long hours? When do you approach him for help? How do you approach him? With honor and respect? Or nagging and upset, thinking he should already know this needs to be done? I have found that if I approach my husband in respect, asking if he would be able to help me with something, and when does he think he might have time for it, he is more joyful about helping. If I am a nag, attacking him because I'm frustrated, it doesn't go as well. I'm not saying it is all my fault or all his, but the way we approach people in any situation makes a difference in their response. It just does. What is he doing in his "down" time? Does he spend time with video games and tv? Those two things are some of the worst enemies to families. I would encourage you to get rid of those if at all possible. People become in bondage to these things, and find an apathy to anything productive, like working with the family. It is a huge problem, especially with men in our society. They just don't want to grow up. Sit down when he is in a good mood, and talk about these things with him. Ask him what his vision is for his family. Ask him how you can help him reach that vision. Ask him how he views your roles in the home. Ask him if he is offended to help around the house. Talk about these things without being offended yourself. Study him and see what he wants out of life and out of his family. You are his helper. This is how we were designed. You are a team, and are equal, but have different roles.
Now, if he requires you to work outside of the home to meet the financial needs of your home, then it is definitely fitting that he should help you with your homemaking responsibilities. He might not like it, but you can't do it all. Nobody can. Best wishes, and hang in there.

there is something else going on that he is not sure how to handle and it is being taken out on EVERYTHING. I am sure you would not have married him if things were like this before hand ... you need to time line it to see what could have happened to put him in this place if you would like to salvage the marriage. Good Luck you will figure out the right thing to do.