Marriage Falling Apart.

Don't give up on your marriage or your husband because of a rough patch. Talk to him. Make your feelings known and tell him that he should do the same. Communication is a huge part of keeping a marriage together and separating just keeps you from communicating. If you love your husband, you will do everything in your power to save your marriage. And above all, pray. The Lord is there for you and he wants your marriage to succeed.

I haven't been in the position that you are in, but I agree with you, I would not stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the child because they do not benefit being in an unhappy environment of any sort. I would talk to him and say that you are at your wits end. Do a trial separation and see how that works. Your daughter is young enough so that she won't have a memory of it later, and you can just tell her whatever you feel is age appropriate. You have to be happy and strong to set a good example from her! You are going to be her primary influence in life. As far as role models. Teach her that you thought enough of her and loved her so much that you wanted the best for her. Your husband has had your support for the past 2 years since his mom died and frankly he needs to be a man and suck it up now! He will always love he and can pass down traditions and the like to your daughter. That way he honors her memory which is great! I'm sure his mother would not want him to throw himself and his marriage away because of her death! No parent wants their child to be miserable!

Your little girl is going to be resilient! Have faith in your self and your abilities! Take care and good luck!

I would have to agree. God can restore. Having a personal relationship with God and having him as you foundation all things will be restored.
This situation sounds complex but I would ask you to get on your knees and ask God to reveal himself to you, and to show you what it means to have a personal relationship with him.
I know if you are not someone who has been in church of knows the faith this all sounds confusing. But if you just ask him to reveal himself to you he will!
Northland in longwood is a great church to attend with great resources.
Remember, you don't have the power to change him you can only change you and hopefully by you emmersing yourself with positive rescources and enviorment it will act as a trickle effect on to him. Pray for him.
A great counsler is Beth HIll in Altamonte ( the christian counseling center)
You should stay in counseling, It would be great for him to, but if he won't you should still go to get support, and again perhaps it will be the trickle effect.
Remeber ( God will restore) don't give up.

C.,

I get the feel that you have really already made your decision and are truly wanting someone to let you know that for you to leave is OK. No one can make the decision except you and only you know if it is the right one to stay or go.

Does your husband know that you are on the verge of calling it quits? If he doesn't NOW is the time to tell him, grief is a long process and he is still in mourning so hitting him with a sudden leave could just put him over the edge emotionally speaking so, giving him time to digest the fact you are going will be the decent thing to do (as long as he isn't physically or verbally abusive to you or your daughter, if that is the case then the time to leave is yesterday).

Best of luck to you whatever your decision is.

A.

None of us can tell you what to do. I can tell you that you can leave anytime, but returning is nearly impossible. Keep up with the therapy, no matter what you decide to do. Be absolutely sure before you walk out the door that's what you want.

In the meantime, maybe try a couples retreat or a vacation with just your daughter to give you a break for a week or two.

I wish you the best of luck.

In November we celebrate our 14 yr anniversary and we have had our problems too. A couple of years ago things came to ahead and we went are separate ways. It worked that way for about a week and then he was calling me and crying. We stayed separated for about two months. Only seeing each on date nights and kids exchange. That seemed to help us. We are back together and talk a lot more than we use to. And we talk about everything. Where before we did not.

I know that is a little different from what you are going through but I would suggest talking to your pastor, a marriage counselor or even your doctor. You might have to take the bold stand and tell him either we try to work things out or by this day, pick on and stick to it, you are out.

God bless and Good luck.

A little about me:

I'm a working mother of three wonderful kids, 16-my only boy and two beautiful girls 11 and 9.

Therapy hasn't helped with this question? What does the car crash have to do with it? It seems like you need attention and he is not giving it to you. My advice Don't use your daughter!

Dear C.: NO ONE wants to see their relationship falling apart, specially when still you love your husband, people don't reacts the same during tragedy times however you mencioned that you been stroggling before in your marriage, Iknow is hard....but please be objective and ask yourself....It this the kind of life that I want for me and my daughter?, looking for a solution is a comminment of two, I spent 7 years of my life being very unhappy looking BY MYSELF for solutions for save my marriage, when I realize I was alone with this I quit and today's date I am a very very happy single parent of two childrens, who works very hard but have a lot of peace, and my childrens are happier now.
Please ask God for guidance, like I did and he will direct you.....and BE STRONG!!!!

try a trial separation
make a list of what bothers you
Get a divorce,but let him have the child and all the problems tht goes with a child daily.You can see her on weekends and holidays. It will keep him busy at night but give you some freedom.He'll learn what you do every day becaue he'll have to do it.
My husband said ONCE that I did nothig all day. He was watching a friends dog. I spent the next weekduring the day withmy neighbor and did NOTHING just like he said. By the end of the week he apologized. We're on yr 31

My Advice (becasue you asked): Continue therapy, even if he will not go with you. Men are not the best of communicators - he may be afraid to go to therapy, but he needs you now more than ever. For your daughter's sake, work through this. It is a fantastic example for her to see you haveing a diffuclt time that you are able to work through and stay committed to your vows.

What does he say when you sit him down...no children-no phones and tell him how you feel? He's right marriage is difficult & you have to have the same goals in life to ever conquer anything.I think you need to make sure he realizes how much you love him and want this to work.On another thought you should never stay just because of the kids.

I don't know if i can give you any advice but i can tell you that you are not alone.I am in the same situation. I have tried for the last 3 years to make mine work. I to always said i would not stay in it just for the kids but i have found myself doing so.Mainly because i am a stay at home mom and have no means of money to do anything. I have asked mine as well to go to therapy but he always says he doesn't need it That i am the one that needs to make it work.I have tried everything even give up friends,and move from my family.Our son has PDD-NOS and i feel like i am alone in helping him.My husband does travel alot so i am left to take care of the kids myself.And when he returns all HELL breaks loose he tells me i don't parent right. He wants a stricthouse & i want the kids to be kids there not PERFECT! I am sorry i can't help you but i can tell you are not ALONE!!

I agree with Victoria. Your perception of your life and the attitude you take on when thinking about your life will determine how you feel inside. If you tell yourself constantly with that inner dialogue, this is a struggle, we have problems, this is hard, etc... that's all you're going to feel is overwhelmed and stressed out. You need to change how you look at things. Unfortunately, that comes with age and experience. Hopefully you can tune in pretty soon and realize that no one can make you happy but yourself. It isn't easy to get on that path and to make yourself change the way that you view the world and your life. You need to learn to let go of the past. That's gone. You can't change it and every second you spend thinking about it is another second wasted that you won't get back. You have right now. You have to wake up every morning saying what can I do today to make my world a better place for the people I love. Some days are harder than others.
The thing is that when you've been married for only a few years, you're still just starting out. You still have a lot to learn about each other and how to navigate your lives together. It isn't all good times and quick conflict resolution. It IS a struggle. You're still so young. You have a very young little girl. This is a decision that will change your lives forever. This is not something to be taken lightly. I am not implying that you are. I know you feel like you have put in so much effort and gotten nothing in return, but don't give up. Keep making an effort. Something like losing a mother is a difficult experience that, unless you've been through it, you will not understand. We each grieve differently. Try to be receptive to his needs. Keep trying to get him to see the counselor with you. And keep going yourself. You've got a lot to think about. I really hope you decide to endure this trying time and make your marriage what you want it to be. It all starts with your own attitude. Find peace :o)

I agree with Victoria that you should set the example and start the "good cycle". Most people don't realize how good life can be if everything around them is "you don't do this, you don't do that, you don't help, you don't contribute". If you set the example and help life to be happy, he will see it and it will hit him. When you can see that he is making a little progress, I would just make a comment in a light fashion (not demanding etc.)and tell him that his daughter loves him and is observant and is learning that this is how husbands and wives are. He needs to set a good example of what he wants his daughter to look for in a husband. Along other lines, you need to realize that when you are married, it is never about 50/50. You must always give 110%. Maybe what you can do is just tell your husband that you need a day of the weekend to yourself, and he needs to watch your daughter. The time away will be good for you, and it will help your daughter and husband bond. Sometimes it takes a child to break the depression/mourning cycle. He will see that she NEEDS him. Regarding your last sentence about staying in a relationship for a child, please PLEASE see that if you leave, you will be responsible for so much more. If you think it will be easier to leave, you are wrong. You will spend much less time with your daughter and much more time handling other responsibilities. Also, you are so very young to be starting with the .... done with husband #1, on to husband #2. And from the way it sounds, your husband needs you desperately! Show him what a strong woman you are, give him the strength he doesn't have right now. And it will pay off down the road, for your loyalty and your love.
Best of luck, Jen
31 years old, married for 6 years, with 3 boys under age 5!!

I got married when I was only twenty and the first two years were extremely rough. We are now going on ten years in July and there are areas that at times are challenging. However, I look back and realize how selfish and self-centered I was at times b/c at the end of the day I was looking to see if my needs were met. I treated him based on his behavior or attitude towards me. The silent treatment, criticsm, and nagging don't work it only pushes them further away. In actually we end up with the very thing we don't want (alienation/rejection)when we do so and some how blame them for it.

I had a lot of growing up to do along with self discovery. Give yourself another five years and you'll be amazed by how much you grow as a person. Perhaps you are losing sight of yourself and the reason you fell in love with him in the first place. Go back to that, it is not impossible to have the marriage you want, pick and choose your battles and discern proper timing and the approach you take when dealing with issues. They say the more a man is feeling or dealing with something the quieter he becomes. You never mentioned his age or what he does. Trust me he is internalizing a lot of things and perhaps he doesn't want to burden you b/c he's in the mode of trying to process, figure it out, and fix it. I know this is very frustrating b/c you want him to open up, you want to feel as though he trusts you, so the best thing is to be there for him. I didn't always understand what was going on with my husband b/c he did not communicate however, the times that I gave support and encouragement despite my feelings, caused him to have a greater respect for me.

Let me just say here that yes your husband has a responsiblity to the care and up keep of his marriage. He is the head of the home and your covering. He too is accountable to his vows. I know in all this you are saying what about his part? Am I right? It's like "enough is enough, just get over it and grow up, you have us over here or did you forget, we need you!? Does this sound familiar?

Yet, until that time comes what are you going to do about it? I mean, in you thoughts, attitudes, words and deeds. Put the shoe on the other foot, what if you were the one facing the hardest time in your life, how would you want your partner to respond?

I know you are feeling lonely and alone. You feel wounded and deeply hurt b/c of the disconnect you are experiencing with your husband. You know the grass can look so green on the other side when life gets rough. So I ask you this, "do you think you would be happier with someone else or that life would be better if this all just went away"? Each relationship brings its own set of circumstances and walking away doesn't build fortitude, character or strength. Determine the woman you want to be and how this can help you and show your daughter what a woman, wife and mother is made of. She your little disciple.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment to one another that puts your vows, dreams, hopes and expectations to a test. There is part of the vows that says "till death do us part", meaning literally. I look at it another way, and that is death to self. We can become so consumed with our side of the issue that it distorts our entire perspective. I know this may be hard to read but I am sharing with you what my mom has shared with me. It can't always be about "my needs, my rights, my wants, my desires or what I deserve". I heard it put this way "you don't get what you deserve you get what you fight for". Remember courage is not the absence of fear but the presence of it. You have to fight (not with your husband) but for your destiny, the destiny of your marriage and the destiny of your daughter. You were put on this earth to fulfill a purpose and you must ask yourself where does this test, trial and affliction fit in to the grand scheme of things.

Challenges are for a season and how you engage this situation will determine how long you stay in it and whether or not you have the victory. I know you probably feel worn out and turned off but has that worked for you. Every spoken word and deed starts with a thought, so if you don't like where you are the next thought is yours. Make it a purposeful and healing thought and you will find yourself in time on the road to redemption.

A good book to read is "Commanding Your Morning" by Cindy Trimm. It is an easy and phenomenal read. It will truly inspire, encourage and motivate you.

Have you told him you are thinking about separation? I would tell him that he needs to go to counseling with you to sort these issues out or this is what will happen. Seems to me he would want to do anything he could to save his marriage and family. I definitely wouldn't stay in an unhealthy relationship for your daughter, it is only going to hurt her more in the long run. She will grow up to have a distorted view of relationships.
I would basically tell him he needs to shape up or ship out! ;o)

Hey. I have been and still a little going through what you are. I will be married 4 years july 2, 2008. The thing that has helped me and my husband honestly is God. We both attend church. My husband did not want to do counsling either, but I have found that God has worked on him better than any counslor could.

First I would like to ask do you have a church home, and if so do you attend faithfully that is so important. Secondly it is your Job to Love him and it is Gods Job to Change him . But you have to know who Jesus is.

last but not least It better to have come from a broken home, then live in a broken home.

First of all, congratulations on having a wonderful little girl. Now to the rough part - If your husband is unwilling to get himself help, nothing you do will help him through this rough time. I'm sure his mother's death was very difficult for him and still is since it was relatively recent. He may be having a tough time because he associates your daughter's birth with his mother's death and has a difficult time compartmentalizing these two very different events. However, since this is taking a toll on your health, it sounds like you need to shift your focus more towards yourself. One of you needs to be there to take care of your daughter. I don't believe in staying together for the kid(s) either, but you have to know that you have tried everything. I'm sure he does need time to overcome the death but he needs to understand that pushing you away and thinking everything will work itself out is not a solution - all that will do is compound the issue.

C., I am so sorry for you. It must be so difficult. I think it is great that you have gone to therapy even if he won't. I don't know that I can say anything that will help but I have to tell you that marriage and family therapy is my area of study and many studies I have read show that most people who stick in a difficult(not meaning abusive)relationship usually end up having a happy marriage after many years. All relationships go through particualarly hard times and now days it is easy to just want to walk away. My advice (for not knowing all the facts) would be to stick it out a little longer. See if things might just take a turn for the better. I sure hope so. Good luck.

We are totally and 100% responsible for our own lives. We create the exact life that we are living. What we do today will determine where we are tomorrow. We either respond or react.

I have a question for you, what do you want in your tomorrow and what are you doing today to create that?

B.
www.TheYummyMommy.com

C.,
The first thing that needs to be addressed is that you say you are unhappy. One of the lies that many women believe is that we are owed happiness and somehow, someone else must provide it. This is impossible. There is not a human being alive that can make another person happy. Happiness comes from within. It is a lifelong choice. You wake up everyday and choose to be happy regardless of your circumstances.
Not only is it not owed to us, but it is not always good for us. If we were always happy, what then would we ever need to learn? At your age, you still have many things to learn in life, so you will have many times of not being happy. Give yourself permission to not feel happy. It's ok. And, it's good for you to not always be happy.

Next, you say that for 2 years, it's been a struggle, well then, you're just getting started. Marriage is a struggle, no matter who you're married to. You can opt out and re-marry, but then you just drag issues from your first marriage into your second and this is in addition to the new ones that you will have, and you WILL have them. So then, you now have past and present issues. Will you then give up so easily again in search for that perfect husband that only exists in fairy tales? Life is a struggle and you can either quit and give up on things or choose to live it to the fullest. The same goes with ANY relationship there is, it is a struggle and you can either give up when it gets tough or choose to put 100% into it everyday and know that you have done your part.

You say you've done all you can for your marriage. In 2 years, are you serious? Maybe in 20 years, you've done all you can, but you are just getting started and you have definately not done EVERYTHING you can do. Have you asked your husband how you can love him better each day? Have you asked him what you can do to improve as a wife? Are you afraid of what you might hear? Have you paid him 5 sincere compliments to every 1 criticism? Have you made a list of the top ten things that your husband desires from you and made it a point to meet as many as you can throughout the week? Have you listened to how he feels loved by you and made certain to do those things daily? What does he ask for or complain about most? He is telling you how to love him when he does this.

Next, you say you LOVE your husband. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Lust, infatuation, those are feelings, but love is a choice that you make after all of the "feelings" die down and reality sets in. Love is to: Listen attentively, Overlook often, Value highly, and Encourage regularly. Are you doing those things daily? If not, then you are not truly loving him.

When your husbands mother died, a part of him died too. You will not fully understand that until it happens to you. Since this happened while you were already having issues, he may have felt that he could not turn to you for emotional support. That means he may have unresolved issues about his moms death and about you not completely being there for him. He is probably also struggling with the fact that his daughter will never know his mother. If he was very close to her, he will be grieving for a very long time. It doesn't get easier, it just gets more bearable. Everyone has a different way of grieving and you will need to try to understand his way.

You say that you are trying so hard to keep everything together, but you don't have to do that. What you should be trying so hard to do is to just love your husband. You can't possibly hold everything together and you will wear yourself out trying, not to mention that you will frustrate everyone in the meantime. Just love him the way he wants to be loved and let God do the rest. Try going one month without criticizing him at all. It will get easier each week. See how his heart changes when that month is up. You will see a new man. Also, if you really want a great husband, tell him ALL the things that he does right! Even down to taking out the trash. Just fill him up with lots of praise. I'm telling you, you will see a new man!

Your husband is right to say that every relationship has problems. He has a more realistic view than you do. But, until he sees you rising above the problems and making sacrifices for the good of the family (without pridefulness), he will not see a need to put effort in, because he already feels defeated.

If you feel you are in 2 different relationships, than you are the one who has created the other one. You have to give it up and join him in his, afterall, you were created to be HIS helper, and to respond to him as a support system. Can he accuse you of being a very supportive wife? I hope so.

At 25, it is difficult to have health problems and he may not quite understand that if he has had none, the same way you may not understand his grief. That's why you may need to focus more on listening to each other without interrupting and giving advice. Let him know how he can help you out when you are in pain from your injuries. But don't nag, just sit down quietly and explain. Treat him like he is your best friend. Give him respect and honor him by asking his opinion often. Value and seriously consider his advice and then follow up and let him know how he has helped you. You are his partner and as a partner, you look out for each other, you bare each others burdens and you tenderly care for each other.

You say you think you need space. That is a way to manipulate the situation to your satisfaction. It's really like saying, "I'm not getting what I want, so I am going to punish you!" Please don't be childish. You are an adult and you are a married adult. You have to put away childish games. A marriage is a lifelong committment and it is not to be given up on so easily or so quickly. A husband is only as good as his wife treats him. Think about that. If you are loving him and helping him to be the man that he should be, he will become that man.

You say you hate to do this to your daughter, then don't. Make a choice not to, because she WILL suffer greatly for it. Sure she'll bounce back, but not without many scars. She needs not only to have both parents raising her together, but to see them love each other unconditionally.

You say that you've always said that you will not stay in a relationship for a child because you think it will not help you or the child, but who lied to you about that? Someone lied when they told you that. You and your child would greatly benefit from staying in your marriage (marriage is not just any old relationship, it is a lifelong choice to be one with another person as long as you both shall live). You would benefit by showing your daughter that when you commit to something, you never give up or quit. You would show her that although life is hard, you make a choice to live it regardless of your circumstances. You would learn that trials are to be walked through, not around. Your character will be strengthened and refined and made wise through every trial that you face and the next one, and there will be a next one, with your husband will be a little easier.

I wish I could sit down with you and walk you through this, but you have to make up your mind that you choose life with your husband and that divorce and separation are not an option.

God Bless You!

T.

You have really gotten some great advice here. I agree with so many that God can help lead you to the right decision. Also I think it might do you both some good to have a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Do you have family that could keep your daugther for 3 days? It sounds like you need to be a couple again and have some time to really just be with each other without all the other distractions that come along in life. My best friend lost her mother recently and it took her a very long time to really deal with that loss. Your husband may feel like he is doing all that he can do and doesn't realize that he's hurting you and your marriage. Just be absolutely sure that you are prepared to walk away from your marriage forever, and what that will do to your daughter, before you do it. Stay strong, all marriages have difficult times -- that's why they call it WORKING it out. Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness with your husband again.

Sounds as if your husband's grief has turned to depression. Perhaps him seeing your family physician and
explaining how he has been feeling. Anti-depressants may help. They take about 15 days to work and will not at all alter his personality, just help him temporarily cope until he has time to deal with his grief. You are young and have had a lot happen to you in a short period of time. Hope things improve for you.