I Want to Leave My Husband but Don't Know How.

Start looking for a job you can do while the kids at school. He has kept you so isolated that you have no support system.

As far as the 'other guy' is concerned. I get it --- I really do. You want to feel loved and cherished. But do not start something with this man until you file papers, get counseling and start to heal.

Love in marriage ebbs and flows with the good and bad times. The key is whether or not we're willing to stick it out through the bad times or even the boring times.

You said that your husband is improving with therapy and medication for his anger and bipolar disorder. You're both going to counseling and that it's going well. You said you love him, just "not like before."

I really think the problem is that you think this other person you've met seems like a solution and an option. You've now invited a third person into your marriage, someone that doesn't belong there, and that's affecting your desire to even attempt to work through this difficult stage in your marriage. How is that fair to your marriage, your husband, or your children? Or even to yourself? I don't think this other man is such a "great guy" if he actually told you that he's interested in you KNOWING that you're married and has basically asked you to leave your husband. He's thrown temptation at you. You're emotionally cheating and he's tempting you saying nothing sexual will/can happen unless/until you leave your husband. Do you think an emotional affair is less harmful?

I think you feel like you're drowning because you realize you'd be jumping out of something that you're in the process of rebuilding and into the unknown. I think you know that you'd be leaving a good man AND your children. I think you know that whatever progress you've made with your husband toward repairing your marriage would be lost and it would be your fault and not his. I think you also know that it would be incredibly selfish and self-centered and that you're questioning if you even have real feelings for this other man. I sincerely doubt that any emotions you have for this other man are real considering your situation.

My vote, harsh as it may seem to you, is to cut off all contact with this loser. The last thing you need right now is to add another broken family (a divorced man and his two children) into your own drama.

You seem to easily recognize your husbands faults, which is always easy to do. However, perhaps you have a few things to shine some light on within yourself.

You can't see the love for him coming back because you are waiting to love someone else. Are you mentioning the new friend in counseling? One of the first steps is to be honest. Or perhaps the counseling is needed so that you and your husband can be good parents in your own separate worlds, but still be honest and say you don't want to be in the marriage.

As well, you should spend minimal time talking about the past and more time talking about what you will do in the future to mend the pain and hurt you have caused each other. Think about this, if your 5 year old had trouble making a perfect letter O, would you show him all his mistakes or focus on how to make a perfect O? Do the same with your marriage.

Getting a job would be great for someone who is feeling stuck. I believe everyone should have their own freedom and with that freedom comes money. I won't stay home until I am retired. We share/combine our income and expenses, but no one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do.

You don't mention your background or education, but you mention you need to find a job and save money and keep the kids where they are. Well, when did you plan to leave your husband? I have a job and know that it is very expensive to live on your own and contribute toward the family you have already made. If you get a job, your current husband will wonder why you get to save your money and his money pays the bills. Again, you have to be honest.

So back to the new friend. If I understand this correctly, you and your husband have a troubled marriage and you have a new guy on the back burner that you have made an agreement that nothing will happen until you leave. How was that casual talk? Did you discuss it over a cup of coffee? Does your husband know he is supporting and feeding a woman that is visiting someone else? Golden rule...how would you like it if you were working and he was planning his next big shebang?

I totally get it, marriage is difficult and it can really suck sometimes. But I think you need to be honest with yourself and start taking a look at a few of your own issues before you move on to the next relationship. Maybe your issues don't have a clinical polished name, however, they will follow you to your next relationship.

Ooooohhhh... you had me until you mentioned the other man. You're either trying to work it out with your husband or you're not. And if you're dating/talking to/thinking about some other man, you are not trying to work it out with your husband. Either commit to making your current relationship work, or tell your husband it's over. If you do that, you have two choices. Get a job, or have the new man take over the role your husband is playing.

Good luck.

Put the other guy on the back burner. The grass is always greener on the other side and it's easy to see someone who is showing interest in you (especially after you probably have felt very unloved by your husband for a long time) as an "easy way out". You don't need to complicate things, if you want out, want out for yourself - not to be with someone else. It is not going to work.

Keep up the counseling. Even if you do not fall back in love with your husband, counseling can make a separation easier on both of you and often helps couples stay civil. Ask for a solo session with your counselor and discuss your concerns.

Get a job. Bring it up in counseling, get your counselors support and just do it. Get a part time job to start out, while your kids are in school/pre-school if you can. More important than saving up is having a job lined up when you do get out... and being employable (aka having a recent employment history).

And, unless your DH is abusive - in which case you should just get out immediately - take your time. The longer to stay in counseling together the better, not only because you may change your mind, but also because even if you don't, it will help the two of communicate better now and down the road - because even if your marriage is dissolved, you husband will be in your life as your children's father for the rest of your life.
Good luck.

You are rebounding on a 'potential' relationship, which is probably clouding your decision as to whether you 'want' your love to come back for your husband. It very well might not, and that is OK, but another man in the background isn't helping much, if you see what I mean?

Just because he says you can't get a job doesn't mean you really can't. You can. I assume your 6 year old goes to Kindergarten or 1st grade and your 4 year old can do pre-K. Does that not allow for a part time job? And hiding it will be difficult when it comes to tax time.

You need to tell your counselor what you told us. She can't help you unless she knows the truth.

Sounds like you are more selfish than your husband. At least he is working on getting better. You are working on making your family fail for sure. Quit seeing this man and forget about your dreamy plan to help him raise his 2 kids plus yours. I think you should keep going to counseling and try to work on it. You can't give up for your kids.

Honestly I was all with you until the line "I met someone else. He is a great guy. Divorced with 2 kids. He has told M. that he is interested in a relationship with M."

I am divorced. I dated before my divorce papers were through so it's not about that, but I J. feel like it's sleezy to step out on the marriage. hypocritical right?? I found out my ex cheated for the entire duration and then told him I was done, wanted a divorce, and months later while we were going through it I told him I was going to start venturing out into the dating game. I dont think it's wrong to date while seperated and divorcing, i thik its wrong to date while lying to your current husband, or be involved and lie to your spouse.also its sleezy to fake marriage counseling while getting some on the side..even if its J. emotional right now

ALSO you have to heal. right after my ex I was looking for fun and distraction along with self discovery. you said he's interested in a "relationship" it's not healthy to go right from one serious thing to another ecspecially for your kids. you have to lear what you did wrong, where things went wrong, what led you to choose the ex, why you did what you did to lead yourself to where you are right now in life and so on
a new relationship will distract you from all of that and your kids will need you more the first year.

again i might be hypocritical
i dont think its wrong to even stumble upon a serious relationship soon after you decide to seperate but looking for one seems like a bad idea

anywho
if i were you as long as he wasnt abusive i'd J. tell him i want a divorce and then geta job and go from there

What kind of great guy tells a married woman with children that he wants to pursue a relationship with her? I'm sorry, he may be hot, smart, funny, hard-working, a good listener, affectionate, or whatever your husband is not to you, but he doesn't have much character for saying that.

I think you need to concentrate on pursuing the job issue. Talk to your marriage therapist about your strong desire for getting a job. You say he is making progress, is it possible your husband will come around to seeing it your way? Maybe you can show him on paper how much you would earn vs. childcare costs. What if you started out part time? You can be willing to work with your husband on his concerns about finances, but ultimately, he needs to understand the cost on your marriage if he is trying to control you and forbid you from getting a job.

The best way to leave? Do not make any decisions with this other man in mind. Finish your counseling with your husband, and apply your whole heart. Be sure to tell your therapist that your heart isn't in it, so he/she can give you tools to help you with that. Maybe you'll get your love back; maybe you won't. There is a process, and you must go through it, and it requires your full attention. Do not speak to this man while you are going through your process. You owe that to yourself, to your husband, to your marriage, and to your children.

ETA: To clarify, this is how to leave: Walk through these very necessary steps of your life and do not skip to the end. If there are 10 steps, then it is very important that you go through all 10. The steps you skip will always come back on you. That is how to leave your marriage.

Here is the thing you need to look out for, it is easier to say I won't have feelings and take up with the new guy than to actually work it out with your husband. You have to make sure that isn't what you are doing before you do anything. Talk to your therapist when your husband isn't around.

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence but it rarely is when you start mowing over there.

I can't help you with paying. Some old lady backed into my car in a parking lot, I used that for my retainer. I filed and then got a job. I just took each hurdle when I came to them.

Thing is before that, you have to know you are doing the right thing because you are dragging kids along for the ride. My ex sounds very much like your husband but for one huge difference, he got help. That mine refused to see a doctor or go to counseling, that was the final nail.

Put this other guy out of your mind, off your speed dial and out of your inbox. Seriously. You cannot do what you need to do - whatever that is - with some other guy lurking. You'll be making HUGE life decisions for the WRONG reasons. It sounds like you need GIRLFRIENDS right now. Work on developing a supportive network of GIRLFRIENDS, who will offer support through this phase in your life.

You need to focus on your own marriage (either building it or ending it) before you consider another relationship. Having him in the picture already will mess with your perspective.

My ex-husband is Bi-polar with anger issues. I actually still do love him but I needed to get out. This disease will not go away, it can only be managed by medication and counseling. It's great that he is on medication and in counseling, but the disease will not go away. It's a drain on emotions, energy, and finances that is hard to understand if you haven't been there.

I second the idea of having a counseling session alone, to discuss your thoughts about leaving the marriage. If this counselor is not supportive of your individual needs and is not helpful, then contact a women's shelter for help in talking to someone that is available inexpensively. They may be able to refer you to several resources that could help you.

You do need to get a job, so maybe discussing this in a counseling session might be a safer place to start insisting on this. You can't have a job in secret. If your husband gets angry or pushes back on this - beware - isolation is the first step to a totally abusive relationship.

If this other man is truly a great guy, and willing to wait until you are free, that's wonderful and I'm happy for you. I am not going to tell you what to do/not do and when with a new relationship. If a person has not been in a relationship with a bi-polar, angry, impulsive man, they don't know what you've been through.

Your kids are young enough that they will adjust to changes in school or living situation as long as you are there for them.

Reach out for help locally - your counselor, a women's shelter, other places they recommend, and build a plan. Good luck to you and be careful. If you ever feel unsafe, have a place to call and go to picked ahead of time, for the safety of you and your children.

Sounds to me like your husband is trying.
Meds, counseling....
Probably the last thing you & your kids need right now is to go from O. man to another.
You're right though. You need a job. So start looking. Are you clear about what your life as a single mom is going to look like?
I'd think long and hard about leaving my husband and the father of my two kids just because I don't have butterflies anymore.
If he is not abusive or unfaithful, I think you'd be better off working on your marriage. My .02
Good luck.

You had my sympathy up until the "I met someone else, he's a great guy, blah blah." At that point, it really doesn't matter what you and your husband have been through, or that you're going to counseling, or anything else. As long as you're pining for someone else, you will not heal what you have with your husband. Maybe you wouldn't have anyway, but you'll never know. Yes, the world is full of great guys. As soon as you're DIVORCED, you can go date some.

So. Now what you need to do is leave your husband. I admire your resolve to wait and not cheat with other guy, but honestly, divorce takes time (I'm in hellish pre-divorce limbo right now), so we'll see how that pans out. But fixing things with your husband and going to therapy really isn't a fair carrot to dangle in front of your husband's nose UNLESS you know you want to fix it with your husband, which you don't. You're using him because he's paying your bills. I too am financially dependent on mine for now which is why divorce AND DATING are on hold until I can get everything sorted out. Could be a year or two in our situation. But my husband knows why (he cheated) and my record is clean. I'm just saving money for us to split when the time comes. He travels all the time and we don't need to waste money renting him a place while he's always gone, so we're making plan that works for us.

You need to get a plan and some money saved and figure out how to leave. Unless you're running right into the other guy's arms it's not easy. You may want to go that route if you can, but since that would be underhanded and wrong-you don't really KNOW that guy intimately after all-it would probably backfire. But get a plan to leave. You don't really want to be with your husband anymore.

If you don't want to tell him, then figure out how to get on your feet in general. Start by working if you want IF it makes ANY money no matter what he says and CUT ALL THE FAT from your spending. I was able to shave money off our monthly expenses when we went through a chapter 7 a year ago and I never added the "fat" back in. No cable, second car, cell phones, Chirstian school, etc etc etc. Voila, now we're saving a bit each month even though I'm not working. I'm CONSTANTLY cutting costs in every way. Cut costs, work, strategize, whatever. You don't need to announce you're leaving until you are (I think my husband forgot that we're splitting up since I'm just going about my business saving money and working hard keeping a low profile, but when the day comes-POW!). But quit spending on the therapy if it's costing money.

I don't think that you convince him that you "can" get a job...I think you just go out and "get" a job....no discussion, no arguing...just do it and inform him afterwards...then get some money saved up....contact a lawyer and make your arrangements to leave.

J., here are my thoughts.

You have met someone and the thought of him is an escape from the reality of your life. You are looking outside of your marriage because of what your husband has done to you.

Regardless of the reason for this, you aren't using your head and you'll end up getting screwed. ANY divorced man who would poach on a married woman with kids is a loser. He should never have told you that he wanted to have a relationship with you. Never. If this were your best girlfriend telling you this story, you'd feel the same way. And if you didn't, it means you sure don't have the bar set very high for ethical behavior in men...

You need to stop seeing this man because it's only going to make you be in more pain. You need to put some goals together. Short term and long term. Keep going to counseling. Try to make things better in the short term for you and your kids - if you stop counseling, things will just deteriorate. If you need training or schooling to be able to get a job down the line, GET IT. He is not the boss of you and as long as you aren't spending a wad of money doing it and if you don't have to pay full time daycare, it's affordable to take classes.

Get your ducks in a row. Talking to a lawyer to find out how to prepare is a good idea. Use your head and not your heart to do this. Just because you plan doesn't mean that you'll actually get divorced. I would expect that he is pretty unhappy himself, and you might get the shock of your life when he decides that he is going to leave YOU.

Your preschooler will be starting school very soon. You should get a job once that happens because a judge may decide to give your husband custody if you are unemployed. That's another thing a lawyer can explain. A lot of lawyers will give you one session of advice without charging you.

Remember what I said - your husband is not your boss and you need to prepare for becoming employable. If he asks why, tell him that you are not happy just being a SAHM - that you want more out of life. If he tries to dictate what you can or cannot do, ignore him. So what if he doesn't like it? You don't have to "obey" him. That is certainly something that should come up in the counseling, by the way.

Good luck,
Dawn

Can your marriage counselor help you discuss how to leave the marriage? If you don't want to repair it and are pretending that's your objective, you're wasting money and the counselor's time pursuing therapy to repair the marriage. Instead, start talking about how to best dissolve the marriage in the best possible way for your kids.

Also, get a job, even if it does anger your soon to be ex. That is necessary.

FInally, totally forget about the divorced dude and his two kids, even as a potential future. You need to get out of your marriage, visit what went wrong on both of your parts, help the kids heal, regain your own strength and independence before you start thinking about other relationships. If he's available at that point and you are still interested, then pursue a relationship. However, any man who is telling a married woman how interested he is in her if she'll just leave her husband isn't really my definition of a "good" man...he's intruding into your marriage. So, leave him out of any of your plans for divorce or your safe place to land. You may look a whole lot less alluring to him once you are free. Your divorce will not be easy on you or your children, and you need to put your entire focus on setting up a new household and making the changes as easy on your kids as possible.

Married people fall in and out of love during marriage. You don't maintain the hot passionate love of when you first get married all through your marriage.

If you want to be in love with your husband and to have him be in love with you and for that love to be stronger and stronger, then you have to invest some of your time in the marriage and so does he. You say he is selfish with you. If he were writing this, I wonder what he would say. Watch the movie, "Fireproof". Get the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare" and follow its instructions. It will make a world of difference in your marriage.

He has made mistakes in your marriage and I'm sure you have too. Help him to understand what he does that you view as selfish.

As far as saving money, When you go grocery shopping, shop the sales and plan your meals around what is on sale. Place the savings in an envelope.

Good luck to you and yours.

1. Get a job, even if it's part-time. Go for it. Say you need to do this for your own self-esteem. True.
2. Make sure you have credit in your own name, if not start on that.
3. Save $$ for an attorney.
4. Realize once you file all assets will be 'frozen' and you will not be able to use a joint credit card for example to pay for your attorney.
5. Let the 'new guy' go. If it's meant to be it WILL happen down the road.
Good luck!! Keep us updated!

I don't think you should leave your husband, if for no other reason than your children. They need you both!

The grass isn't always greener on the other side you know? I just want to add this one thought...what kind of man tells a married woman that he wants to be with her? In my mind it means he doesn't have very high moral standards, verses your current husband who is showing his love for you by going to counseling and taking the prescribed drugs.

Talk to a women's shelter.
They will give you lot's of good information.
Do NOT get involved with anyone till (at least) one year AFTER the divorce is final.
Why?
You need to stand on your own 2 feet and know who you are out of a relationship before you know what you want and what you have to offer into another relationship.
There is a mourning of the ending of your marriage and healing process.
Once that is complete - you will be ready to face life (and men) full on.
If you start something before that you could be jumping from the frying pan and into the fire.
This might turn him into a rebound guy - and then you'll be facing breaking up again.
And cycles like this tend to repeat - so don't go there.

I am going to be mean here so please bear with my thoughts.

1 you have already cheated. I had thoughts about a friend at work. Told my Bf. If you have to hide it your cheating.

2 because of what you have stated I feel that the marriage fail is mostly on you. Not really him. I pitty him.

3 that guy... looser- breaking up your family because he knows it is in termoil.

This is not a total crab out on you but maybe it would help if you opened your eyes and seen what you have done wrong. I will admit my relationship has not always been the best. But when I came out and admitted what I did wrong I realized I did more then I thought.

To Nikki G - that is not remotely the question she asked - WTH?

Anyways, Maybe for the job thing you can start by mentioning that both your kids will be in school full-time soon, so you want to start planning a way to keep yourself busy once that happens. Maybe you can look into local daycare costs versus what you think you could make in job that fits your skills. Regardless of whether you want to leave him or not, you need to protect your family financially - and come to some agreement with your husband about how extra money is spent.

I don't condemn you for meeting someone, but I do agree that should NOT be the reason for finally leaving your husband. You have no idea if things will work out with this guy. You need to focus on getting yourself together and protecting your kids. The last thing you need to think about right now is this other guy.

What I would start with is planning and getting your feet on the ground. You should not leave because of this other guy. You leave because your marriage can't be fixed and if it's broken then you move from counseling to fix it to counseling to get through a divorce. If you do not want to fix it, then you be honest about it.

You might ask your counselor for a solo appointment to start with. See what he/she says.

You take time for yourself and your children for at least a year before you think about dating. This other guy is way ahead of you if his divorce is final, but that doesn't mean you should speed up anything for him, or pin any future on him right now. Maybe down the road, but you have a lot before you right now. If he's a really stand up guy, he will wait.

I wish you a lot of luck but this will not be easy or fun or nice. Even my friend who had such an amicable divorce they sat in the same lawyer's office and worked it all out had a bout of depression at the end of it all. Take care of yourself and your kids and move forward with a clean slate.

Hugs to you in such a sad situation.

Talk to a women's shelter. They may be able to help you line up what you need to in case you do need to leave. They may be able to help you find perspective on everything that's going on, and may have the resources you need should leaving be the best thing.

But if he is making headway, for real, leaving now may not be the way to go. If your children are in school for half the day, see if you can find something part-time. That will give you the opportunity to work and will not cut into the cost of daycare. He does have a point in that daycare costs sometimes match or are more than your income might be. But if the kids are already out of the house for part of the day, then there's no reason not to.

Please DO NOT pursue a relationship with this other person. RED FLAGS there - he is divorced and expressing interest in a married woman. Even if he's "willing to wait", you both let it get to a point that's not healthy. BAD NEWS.

Plus, you are in an unhealthy relationship now and filling that hole with someone else is not a great idea. You need to concentrate on getting you emotionally healthy so you can be there for yourself and your kiddos, regardless of the direction your marriage takes.

If you do need to leave, do not use your children as an excuse not to. They may love school, but they will be fine if you have to move. They'll have to adjust, but in the long run it's not a deal breaker to stop you getting out if that's the right thing to do.

There are a lot of opinions be thrown your way.
But the simplest answer is plan, plan, plan. You don't necessarily have to plan through an attorney the first step. There are many divorce recovery groups that have loads of tips and contacts. Those groups are loaded with ex-spouses with Bi-Polar. It's a near impossible disorder to live with. But you also need to figure out what drew you to that sort of mood and drama so you don't choose it again.

What will you need to leave? That's IF you leave. Why not have your husband leave?

I would recommend you be clear and honest with the counselor you are working together with. Meet with the counselor one on one and tell them where you are at. He/She will also provide community contacts.

And you know, you are not the first and nor will you be the last who has connected with another potential partner before leaving a relationship. As a matter of fact, most people do leave for exactly this reason, although the other spouse does not know. Many views will not condone it, saying you need your space first, etc. And it is true, these relationships that developed while you are in pain and confused, seldom do last.

GL!

Yes you have a lot of hurt and pain and anger for what he has put you through...However, is counseling helping? Are changes taking place overall? Mental illness doesn't go away overnight. Yes it's hard. Love and staying married to him is a choice? Are you bailing out because you'd think it would be easier? If his behvior continues I'd say yes get out as you don't need to be mentally or verbally abused and neither do your children. If you husband isnt' willing to make changes and continues to be selfish yep you bet. It is hurting your family. Your counselor should be helping navigating ways in which your relationship should be open and honest and sharing resources. If not, then definitely leave. At this point, you need your own account. Start put a few dollars away here and there in YOUR own account.
Secondly, you are responsible for building your own support network. If you do decide to leave you need to have something to fall back on. A place to live, a job, money, etc. I would also be upfront during your counseling sessions that your feelings at this point are to leave him etc..and try to work those out.

Also, I wont' validate you seeing another man. You're not divorced and haven't recovered from a divorce. The guy you met who is also divorced has his reasons why too. I highly doubt it was all his ex wife's faults. Add his two kids into the mix and well...the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Contribute to healing your marriage first or divorce him.

My first question is :Do you meet with your counselor one on one as well? If that isn't the case, I would ask that you meet with your counselor by yourself. It sounds like you could use some guidance and assistance in your feelings and thoughts on leaving your husband.

My second question is : You say your husband is Bipolar, but on medication. You also stated that he does have anger issues, and you are afraid of how he would react to you wanting to leave. Has he been physically abusive? Are you worried that this will happen if you tell him you want to leave?

If this is the case, I would advise that you definetly need the support of a counselor and friend to help you leave him.

IF it is not the case, I think it is best that you approach this with him when you are meeting with the counselor. It is best when dealing with someone who has mental health issues to always have another person there to mediate and assist in helping them deal with situations. Especially when they come from a family member or spouse.

I also want to mention that if you are having these feelings because you met someone else, then you need to rethink your feelings entirely.

If you have felt this way for sometime prior to meeting someone else, then you need an outlet to express how you feel, and how you should deal with your feelings and thoughts on leaving to your therapist.

I don't have much experience as far as the needing an attorney, but I think if their are children involved you most definetly will need one.

Is their a person or family member you can confide in to help you in terms of living arrangements? Are you involved with a church?

You shouldn't have to convince your husband of anything. If you want a job, get a job. You have every right to live your life. Bring this up at your next counseling session. At least you will have someone else there to listen and offer advice, and to also let your husband know your thoughts and feelings.

Unlike the other posters, I'm going to focus on your question of how and not touch the subject of the other man. The way I interpret your post, you have lost the love you once had for your hubby and aren't really interested in rekindling it because of all the water under the bridge. I get that. Sometimes there is SO MUCH water under that bridge that you just can't get past it. And if he's all but destroyed his relationship with his kids, they will probably be happier living in a home without him.

As for how, I would start by taking inventory of your financial situation. You are entitled to 1/2 of everything, including any money in any bank account. If you have money in the bank, go withdraw 1/2 of it and use that to get a place to live. The problem you will have is that you have no source of income so no one is going to want to rent to you. You may have to use a residential hotel type thing until you get some financial things worked out

I would suggest filing your Petition for Dissolution without the assistance of an attorney. Also file whatever paperwork you need to in order to get temporary orders for payment of spousal support and child support so you can support yourself and the kids. Since you don't have any close family or friends, you are going to need a temporary order for him to pay child care costs so you can look for and accept employment.

See if your local courthouse has something called or akin to a Family Law Advisor. We have one here. They work for the court; they are free; and they can help you fill out the right forms and get them filed. If you don't have that, see about a paralegal service to help you complete the necessary forms.

You can do this, but it is not going to be easy and you are going to have to get your ducks all lined up before making any changes.

You might also consider asking for temporary exclusive possession of the family home in which case your hubby will be required to move out.

Reading between the lines, I'd suggest your first call be to your local Safe House.

Good luck.