Marriage! (Complicated) Maybe!

Marriage is a LOT of work (no matter who you are married to). Every marriage has its good times and its bad. It is definitely possible to fall in love with your husband again (speaking from experience). An open, loving & non-critical dialogue of your fears is very important. Neither of you is perfect. Take time to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. It sounds like he is definitely making an effort...you owe it to your marriage to make one too!
Or you could just "move on" and perhaps find yourself in this same place with someone else 10 years from now.
Look into Fireproofmymarriage.com and if you haven't seen the movie Fireproof, rent it and watch it together...it's awesome!

You say you love him and he's changed. I say, that's worth another chance. But, you have to be willing to be there, in the moment, not in the past. And not watching and waiting for him to screw up again.

I, too, recommend counseling, as a place to talk with a neutral third party present, to learn some ways to communicate with each other. In the end, trust that you will do what's best for your family.

I sense a lot of pain in your post, and your family. It's so hard sometimes as a stranger who reads a post to really understand the dynamics of that other person's life who is seeking advice or comfort. Sometimes words are misinterpreted or taken the wrong way depending on the emotions of the reader. It's really a toss in a public forum. If you seek advice, than take everything you read with a grain of salt and apply it to your life as you see fit. Not everyone can be painted with the same broad strokes.
All that being said, you stated in your post that you "love him" but aren't "in love with him." If the fire is gone, then you owe it to yourself and to your husband to make the decision to find happiness. Your children probably already sense your discord and unhappiness anyway. Sometimes people grow apart as they grow older, and priorities and things you hold of value may not be the same.
Have you tried to speak with your clergy or a counselor? If you aren't in love with him, then I see no reason for fear of a "temorary fix" or "one more chance". It sounds like it's over in your heart.

There's this funny song where she says:" You will never change..." and when he changes she sings:" You are not what you used to be..". I don't mean to make a joke of it but i think that people are complicated, relationships are complicated and it's hard to be completely satisfied one way or another. it looks like there's still commitment on both parts and he not is being disrispectful (or at least not anymore), on the contrary, he's making an effort to work for the marriage, so this not the time to give up, in my opinion. Don't put a cast on a leg that is not broken, yet, give him and yourself the time to adjust to this change, even if it's a good change, especially because it is a good change. You only know how you feel about him and your past and your future with him. I am just saying that don't need to make a decision right now, so make an investment in this time you are spending with this "new man" and see how you feel along the way. Good luck.

There is a elder in my church that aproched me one day and told me that he had been watching me and my family and was so impressed at how well he handle things. He said that we were so young and to have 3 children and work full time and it just seemed like we did so well. I laughed at him and told him that things were not always like that. We had a rough time starting our our marrage and had to work hard to get where we were. I talked with the elder for some time and he said that at some time every marrage has it's issues, but if you can rise above them and fix the issues your marrage can be that much stronger. That is exactaly how my husband and I feel. We have survived a big rough patch and now we have a great marrage to show for it. I hope you can stick it out and make it through. I found that I had to forget and forgive him in my heart for all the crapy things he said and did to me. Marrage is a two way street. He needs to do everything possible to help you out and make life easy on you and visa versa. good luck!

I think that you should give it another go but I would also recommend therapy for ya'll as a couple. It is important to let everything out and get an unbiased opinion and advise. Just my 2 cents. Go with your heart.

I would strongly suggest that you seek-out a marriage counselor. I am not wiser, but I have worked therapeutically with families and couples and can tell you that if both partners want to reconnect and find new ways to communicate... it can work.

I am not an advocate of staying together "for the kids"- they know when you're unhappy and unfortunately they learn that "unhappy" is normal and okay. However, if you work on your marriage and make it a priority, your children will see that you and your husband value one another and the commitment that you made- even if the end result is a divorce.

Good luck and find someone that you are both comfortable talking with- marriage counseling is NOT easy and you will both need to recognize your contributions to the current status of your marriage.

He's completely changed and you don't know if you should stay with him? What you fear the most will come upon you. He's changed, and you still aren't happy, so if you continue your behavior his behavior will probably go back to the way it was. Then you will be able to say, "See? I knew it! I knew it wouldn't last!" When the reality is that you are the one causing it not to last.
Why would he continue to change and grow if you still aren't happy? He may as well go back to his old self. (that's the way men think)
So YES, leave the past in the past. NEVER bring it up again! Be happy in the days you have and don't worry about the future or dwell on the past. Enjoy what you've got before you lose it.

Gaining and giving trust takes time especially with past hurts and disappointments you are expressing. Have you had any counseling? Frankly if he is willing to work things out and you do to then I recommend you get to a good counselor individual and couples. I hear complaints that it is expensive well what is your marriage worth? Do you attend church where you can participate in marriage seminars? Couples group. If you need healing prayer helps and getting 3rd party counsel is the key. Don't give up if you both are willing to unite and rebuild your marriage.

I think that you hang in there. Sounds like you are over the hump. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You are going to have to let go of the past if you want to have a good future. Be glad that he has listened and really taken in the things that you have told him are a problem and that he is working to fix them. I think that he really cares about you and your feelings.

Besides ~ if you give up, you are going to have a whole new set of things to put up with. Step Moms, Step Dads, kids feeling that it is "their fault" that you divorced. You know that is what kids think even if you tell them that is not the case. Unless he is abusive, I think that divorce is not an option until the kids are grown and out of the house. Then you could re-assess your situation.

Anyways, I hope that helps you think about things a little bit - you have a big decision to make. Marriage is never a piece of cake, there are always going to be struggles, that is just life. But you hang in there and you give it all you've got. That is my opinion.....

One more thing: Love is not a feeling!! You say that you are not "in Love" with him anymore....what does that even mean? Do you expect to still get butterflies in your stomach? In my opinion that is lust, exitement of something new, etc.....Love is what you are doing when you accept someone the way they are flaws and all. Being "in Love" with someone is a choice you make. I get up and make a choice each day to love my husband (even on the days when he is un-lovable, cause lets face it, we all have our days when we are un-lovable), I flirt with him and act like his girlfriend, and it makes a big difference. I think as women, we have a lot more control than we realize. We set the tone of the family for the most part.

I absolutely understand.

You've built a wall because that is just a human function to protect ourselves. It is so hard to undo that. No matter how he changes.

But what he's doing is 'helping' you trust him, right?
The only thing that will continue to bring that wall down is consistency on his part and no doubt he will get frustrated by your stagnancy.

So I strongly rec' you guys see a relational counselor.

It sounds like he truly wants to try, which indicates he does love you and may acknowledge his faults and mistakes. You both need to be able to openly talk about past hurts (not leave past in the past)... you've got to unfold all of that, acknowledge, apologize, and change. Make NO excuses. Just be sorry. And understand each other.

I do understand where you are. It's hard to trust again. How do you make yourself be INLOVE again when you've been so hurt. And now you feel guilty on top of all that because your partner seems sooooo willing and hardworking.

It gets better.
xoxo

leaving because you know you're done, and moving forward in a positive and optimistic fashion would be a good thing.
leaving because you're afraid things might not work out is not.
do not operate from a place of fear. i know it's easy to say and i'm not suggesting this is a walk in the park. but fear is a bad motivator. leaving will bring its own share of things to be afraid of.
you can't ever know for sure whether or not your partner is going to stay, whether the improvements they've made will last, whether an attitude change is forever or temporary. ever.
it sounds as if you could really really use a good counselor. of course you have to work through your issues, you can't just decide to let all of the past hurts go. but you need to progress, you can't just sit in the place of pain and fear. it's tempting to run away from that place but you can't do that geographically.
once you are centered and strong you'll be in a position to make a better decision about your marriage. but you can't make good decisions when you're flinching.
good luck!
khairete
S.

The walls that we build suck! It sounds like you are still communicating and that you still love him but you are having a problem liking him?

I agree with a lot of other posts - you would benefit from a counseling appointment or two. It also would be good to forgive and then forget. Easier said than done, I know. But if you have a foot in the past and a foot in the future ~ you just piss on today.

He has changed and is helping - it sounds like he wants to be there and he is in it for the long haul.

Maybe you should see a counselor and alsodate your husband. Dating may remind you why you fell in love with him and you'll probably learn to like him all over again. I tell my husband that it is easy to love him, but sometimes I really just don't like him and to like someone is important. He says the same thing to me sometimes.

Good luck!

Wow, I am really interested in reading all of the comments on this one because I feel like this was posted by me. I did not read your last post or what happened but I got that sinking feeling in my stomach like I knew exactly what you were talking about. My husband has made some really BIG mistakes not too long ago and I am still having a really really hard time letting it go. I'm trying and I know I love him.. I am the most forgiving, easy going, people pleaser person you will ever meet.. but I just cannot let this go. I am still DYING inside and I know it isnt fair for him to stay if I am not going to forgive but at the same time.. I dont want him to go. Ugh... I say we have a happy hour sometime lol... Maybe we could help each other... lol