Marriage Blues

Bless your heart ~ 6 children is quite a handful even with the full cooperation of your husband. But if you fight a lot, that would be very difficult to keep it together.

If the encounters end up abusive in any manner ~ verbal, emotional, physical, sexual ~ that is all too common, but not "acceptable" for you, your husband and certainly not for the children as they watch it all. They feel helpless, even guilty ~ and tend to pick it up as "normal" and repeat it in their future marriages. Can you and your husband agree to "rules" in your fights? When one gets to the point of saying something they shouldn't, then use pre-agreed-upon "alert" words to stop the fight and then pick up the issues to discuss when both are cooled down. You just need to be diligent in following through so you make headway in your communication and work through the underlying problems for the fights. Solutions need to be reached, otherwise the anger will only escalate. Sort of like going to the hospital for surgery and half way through the operation getting off the operating table and going home. The original problem still exists and now you have an open wound not properly dealt with. The consequences can be severe if not life threatening. You need to deal with the deep stuff (which is hard) and then the healing will come.

Here's a great link for wonderful books on communication in marriage: http://www.garychapman.org/products.htm. Best wishes. I'll be praying for you, M. M!

Sometimes we both just walk away and cool down for a minute. When you're mad well at least me, I tend to say things that I really don't mean. I try during my time to myself to really figure out what made me mad and then I'm able to fully explain what he did to piss me off. We haven't been married long but the days that we would not talk to each other was too much on me. I have decided that I don't like going to bed mad, and generally my husband really doesn't know what he did wrong. I tend to let the little things slide and then he will do something to set me off, so now I bring up things but try and balance sweet with improvements. At the same time I make sure to let him know and see that I am trying to improve too. Another thing that I would suggest is taking some mommy time. I know you have 6 kids (really 7 including your husband, lol) so it's really important to take at least 15 minutes a day or have one day out of the week where it's just you. Let the husband and kids know that this is mommy's time and mommy needs to relax so don't come in and if you have a problem talk to daddy or you just leave the house all together. I have found that if I don't do that I don't really feel appreciated. I have to love on me in order to love on my family. I know I've said a lot but I hope it helps.

First of all, remember that there is no "normal". Every couple learns to deal with each other in a different way. My husband and I usually let things build up, then yell at each other to get it off our chests. We're not great at communicating, but after the yelling is over, we do try to talk it over. Every once in a while, we try to get away for a day or two minus kids to talk about how OUR relationship is going, and what we need from the other person. Kind of a pre-emptive strike. Marriage is hard work, but worth it. You're going thru a tough time now, especially with 6 kids! We'd never appreciate the hills if we didn't sink into the valleys sometimes. Hang in there, Mom, you are valuable!

Hubby and I used to fight a lot more earlier on in our marriage (we are married almost 10 years now-been together over 11). Obviously with children we try to limit our disagreements in front of them. We also are dealing with some very difficult things this year, and because hubby works so very much, and myself outside of the home too until recently, it has made it really hard for us to even discuss what has been going on,(hubby leaves for work @ 4:30 am & gets home @ 5:30 pm), which definately leads to tension at times. As for argument styles, I have a much hotter temper than he does, accept for when we cannot talk about what is going on due to scheduling, etc. then I sgut down and I will not speak very much...not the greatest thing I know, but part of who I am. my husband on the other hand is much easier going and just chalks my moods up to a bad day and tries to let it go. Both of us have had to learn not to hurl snarkey remarks though. Not productive at all and just adds stress. I saw in your profile you mention you have 6 children. I can only imagine how busy you are, perhaps you guys need some time to reconnect. Hope this helps and hang in there.

I don't know what normal is. I used to yell a lot more than I do now, but my husband still pouts. We usually just discuss things in a calm manner. If I get really upset, I tell him I need a break and go take a walk or go out somewhere. He's pretty understanding and lets me calm myself down.

My husband is a huge fan of logic, so I'll end up thinking about a situation more so I can present my complaint in a logical manner. For example, we were having problems with our satellite dish. It was working maybe 50% of the time. Husband stated that I would just have to accept it, as we couldn't chop down the neighbor's trees which were interfering with the reception.

I said, "Would you just accept a car working 50% of the time? Or how about your computer? If you were in the middle of driving somewhere or working on the computer, would you say, "Oh well" if the car or computer stopped working? That would be okay with you? I say you call Dish Network and see what they can do or get our old satellite dish back." He didn't say a word (Mr.Pouty McPouterstein), and I dropped it. A few hours later, he said, "I'll call Dish and have them come out." Long story short, Dish had a solution to our problem and it's fixed now.

Now I know some ladies out there would ask me why I didn't call Dish myself and my answer is it's not my job. That clearly falls under already-defined/agreed to husband jobs in our household. I do enough and I'm not about to do his jobs too!

The most we've gone without talking is half a day. We still have to discuss the kids and daily activites/schedules, so a lot of the time, our "issues" get pushed aside.

I'm glad you're in therapy for yourself, but is your husband in it as well? It takes two people to make a marriage.

I wish you the best.

<<hug>> it is SO hard when you feel like you and your spouse are not 'well-connected' - which can definitely happen just with kids (heck! I only have two and we feel like that now more than ever, so I can't even imagine with six!). If you add mediocre 'fighting'/makeup skills, that gets super tough.

I think the most important thing is to try to see things from their perspective. obviously you want him to see your perspective, too, but that probably won't happen until he feels heard/loved/prioritized. Even if he can't express that (confusing, I know!).

Two things help us. Nightly prayer time just dh and I is the first thing. We have some prayers to read aloud (we take turns), then we pray for our family and friends and any struggles we're having. At the end, we're both more "soft" -- we ask each other forgiveness and hug. Things I didn't want to talk about earlier in the day, or that I was blaming him for, or whatever, take on a different light after we pray together.

The other thing is a "check-in". (This can be for the whole family too). We each get a chance to say 1) how we're feeling (and "tired" isn't an option - that's a physical state. This is about emotions). 2) something we want to thank the other person for and 3) something we need from the other person. (I think those are all the parts... we learned it at a workshop a couple of years ago). Sometimes it's a two minute conversation, and sometimes it dredges up deep stuff. It's just a nice outlet for communication. (Oh, and the other rule is absolutely no interrupting -- each person has to feel 'safe' to say what they want to say.)

Finally, and I am sure this is the last thing you want to hear, but for us I realized that part of what puts my husband 'on edge' and makes him 'uncooperative' in general is when we haven't made love in a long time. For him, it's such an important way that he expresses his love, and also releases that pent-up energy... and when I've refused him (for any number of reasons, some of which may even be his 'fault'), not only does he resent me b/c he wanted to make love, but b/c then it causes him more struggles with his thoughts/desires (let's face it, there is sexy stuff everywhere you look these days!).

I don't know if any of these things apply to your situation, or are helpful at all. I am just sharing what goes on in our relationship. I know I always feel like no one must struggle the way we do -- but then I realize that no, we are certainly not alone! But use that not to be complacent, but to feel empowered that your case isn't so unique that it can't be improved!

God bless.
T.

It should not be normal and certainly isn't healthy to go for periods w/o talking to each other. I'm so sorry this is where you are. Talking is so important. My dh and I do not end it until it's resolved. Sometimes when it's really bad we just have to break for 10 or 20 min and then come back after we've cooled down. When there doesn't seem to be any hope for resolution in sight and we are taking a break, I pray to God that He would show us the others point of view and help us bring resolution. It always works! Sometimes all you can say is "please God help!" bc you're so upset. He always does. Blessings, Katie

You are going to be disappointed because there probably is no normal. What you will get from counselling is an enlightened way to fight. But to speak to a few of your issues, whoever is not talking for a long time is making this more difficult. how can he go to sleep when he's had this huge argument? Beats me, but he can. So how do you get him to talk again when things are calmed down before bedtime? Choose a day when the argument is early in the day and after a good amount of time and when you are composed, bring it up, after you have thougt about what he said that you want to agree with and the points you want to stress. Always start with an olive branch, i.e. some thing that you can grant he is correct about, or at least his motivation is correct. Agree to follow the rules for fair fighting which your counselor should have given you. I actually filmed us talking to each other for one of these sessions and saw for the first time how I was misreading what he was saying because of my emotional issues. Would he agree to that, do you have a video camera? I also purchased a tape recorder for those talks to deal with the "you said this" "no I said this" arguements. Since you have 6 kids, and judging from your name, you are probably a muslim. Are there any women in your church you can talk to about the religion issues? Maybe he can be broadened in his faith. Basically, you will feel that you are going way farther than he is in effort and compromising, and he will not see it that way. It will take a long time of your speaking and acting in a changed way for him to have some hope about the situation. You are probably not crazy, but you are pretty isolated in your home and you need to have support. He is probably a vrery good man if he has agreed to go to couseling and you will make it. Write to mammasource if you need to again.

Someone once told me 'choose your battles' so I do now. I don't win the fights anyway and my husband doesn't seem to get too into trying to figure out where he went wrong or how he could rectify something until he learns it on his own through some way or another. I would like to talk things out (female style) and he would like to avoid it. (His style). Once in awhile we used to get into screaming fights and now haven't for years. Not worth it. I can also tell when he isn't listening me so now I just wait and talk to him when he is (which truthfully is less than a girlfriend would do). As the book says Men are from somewhere and women are well you know...You aren't crazy. In fact you sound like a very smart, intelligent sensitive woman and lets face it. He's a man.

I have been married for 14 years and I have found it to be better to have a cool off period, no more than a day or two and then address the issue. Is this normal? I don't think there is a normal. I believe it's what works for both of your personalities. Really stop and see what is best for you and him after a diaagreement.

On top of this you have 6 children that depend on you to keep a smiling face. It's hard like you said just trying to keep it together. We are in the same boat. Reading your request almost made me think that I had written it. I also have a big family. I have five children. I try to assign a chore to each one to kind of help me out with the workload at home, but unless I ask them to do it, it won't get done. My husband is no help. He feels that since I am not working that he is doing plenty by going to work. My life just feels so unfulfilled. I gave up a great career to stay home with the kids after my youngest was born. I am now starting my own business, but due to finances, It is going very slow and my husband is very skeptical, which sometimes discourages me. It seems that no one else cares about what my dreams are and where I am heading. Kids think that being mom is all that I am. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother, but I feel that there is more out there for me and if I could only find the way to get to it, I could be a better person. Does that make sense???

I cope with this by being thankful for my children, my employed husband(ha, ha, just kidding) who loves me, my family and friends that I love very much and I take at least one step each day to work on my business and try to make a career once again.

I have learned to say NO to make more time for myself and to remind everyone that I count also. I do what I can do each day and have learned that IS enough. I have learned to pick my fights and not fight about every thing that my husband and I disagree about. Sometimes I find it better to just let the smaller things go. I feel more at peace with this attitude. This is how I keep it together. I hope this helps you.

There is no right way to handle yourselves after a fight. It's whatever works best for you and your spouse. I think you are already doing something good by going through therapy. I takes really strong people to step it up and take action when there are issues in the family, so I commend you for that. Just remember why the two of you love each other and got together in the first place. As long as you can still reach those memories and stir up those old feelings, you guys will be alright. God bless!