I've written a few times about my marriage recently and need some additional advice/support. Here is a little history. On July 31st my father passed away and then on Aug 6th with some pressure from me my husband of 8 years (together for 12) told me that he felt like we were friends and that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He moved out for about a month and I do know he was talking w/ a girl he knew but he didn't cross the line. I know for sure he didn't. Please no comments concerning how do you know. We are going to counseling together and by ourselves. He is living back at home and know he is trying...he has been home for 2 weeks...he may not be giving 110% but do know that he is trying. Before he came home he did have a car accident and know that it scared him a lot so not sure how much that played into him rethinking things. When he had the accident, I was the first person he called. If a person "falls out of love" do you think a person can get those feelings back? I truly think so but it does take time and effort. Guys are pretty bad about expressing their emotions and knowing what they feel and why. We have 2 small children, 7 months and 3 yrs.
My husband is a police officer and people have wondered if his job plays into his feelings. He told me about an fatal accident that he worked. He said that when he got to the scene he the only thing he could see was the guy’s wedding ring and he said that ring was shining so bright. Then while he was there the phone rang and it was the guy’s wife. He said I had no idea what to do at that moment and the first thing he thought of was to take the battery out of the phone. So as quickly as he could he took the battery out of the phone and threw everything onto the ground. Yesterday I looked the accident up to see when it happened and it was in the timeframe that he said his feelings changed. I wonder if that has anything to do with what is going on. I know that the counselor believes a traumatic event could trigger something like that. He told me about two other recent things that happened, nothing big though. He said that the four of us were driving down the road and he started to think about the fact that at any time a car can come over into our lane and take us out. Then he did a traffic stop within the last few weeks and there was a little girl who reminded him of Savanna in the back seat. He said that he almost started to cry on the side of the road during that traffic stop.
We also started going back to church. Not sure if we are going through all of this to become closer to God. The day after we decided to try to make it work the church sermon was about forgiveness, family and divorce. We both felt like God was speaking to us directly.
If a person "falls out of love" do you think a person can get those feelings back? I truly think so but it does take time and effort. What are your thought on his work playing a role? Any other advice would be appeciated.
Get those feelings back? No. But you can make new feelings. You are not the same woman he fell in love with and he isn't the same man. The trick is to fal in love with the people you are now. You have to find that woman who can intregue a man and he needs to want to woo you.
I would try the 5 love languages. It won't replace counseling or anything, but it might help get the spark back, and give you something to constructively work on. I think his work probably does affect him, and he might need to talk to someone about that too.
I don't think he has fallen out of love with you. I think he has the wrong idea about what love is. It is not butterflies in the stomach or talking to each other for hours on end, that is puppy love. Real love is knowing that you have the other persons best interest in mind during nearly every decision you make. Love is being willing to give your life for the other persons without hesitation. In my opinion being in love is like being on the same team, for life, with that one other person. You win some games and you have some heartbreaking defeats, but if you are in love then you keep playing together and have the same goals. So you may need to get the spark back but love is not something that comes and goes.
Love is not a product of just mere emotions. Unconditional love is a product of the act of your will. 1 Corinthians 13 is called the "Love" chapter in the Bible because it has some clear framework to the components of love.
I have found that as women it is easy for us to love but that isn't what God commanded us to do as it relates to our husbands. Ephesians 5 has much to say about relationships. It says (and I'm paraphrasing), husbands are to love their wives and wives are to submit themselves too their husbands.
Submission isn't and act of showing weakness but showing strength. It is a laying down of your dominion not like a door mat but like a general would give heed to the president's command. It doesn't make him any less than what he is but it does make it possible for everyone to be on the same page.
I would encourage you both to take a look at the movie, Fireproof and try working through the steps in the book Love Dare and then see where God is leading both of you and your marriage.
Love is patient and kind, that doesn't equal being a doormat or being used.
I pray the best for you both and your marriage.
I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was excellent!! It's quick and easy to read, and so insightful. You can probably find a copy at your local library or bookstore. It's all about how we each give and receive love in different ways, and how if you and your spouse speak different love languages, you won't feel the love even if the other person is trying to show you love. He also talks about the emotions of "being in love" vs. the lasting everyday love. I hope you can read it--I think you would be blessed by it.
Absolutely. I've always loved my husband, but have been in and out of "in" love with him.
Oftentimes a person gets so comfortable/ starts taking things for granted that they forget what they HAVE.
Of course, for myself, it's because my husband is a jerk. I'll probably always love him, but the only way I could fall back in love with him would be if he QUIT being a jerk. He didn't used to be, but gradually changed until he was a first class ahole. I don't personally find that attractive, endearing, special, or in any other way inspiring respect or passion.
In my own life... it's that combo of respect+passion that equals feeling "in love". But I know many who can be in love without respecting that person, and others who are in love without passion. I suspect that for each of us there is a magic "combo" that brings the "in love" feeling past the initial hormone rush of "new love".
Hi J.,
I think a lot of times people (men especially, not to generalize) don't really understand the difference between lust and love. they think being 'in love with you' is when it was all fireworks and he couldn't wait to kiss you. Then when it 'settles' into something (which we know is actually MORE than what it was) they feel like they love you but are not 'in love' with you. Which, I think, is why men can be vulnerable to other women - they get that fireworks feeling of 'newness' and with you it's just groceries and kids school stuff and planting marigolds which doesn't seem like love to them.
I ABSOLUTELY think you can get feelings back - or explore how to build them to the next level. Not that you actually get them back, but that you discover what your expectation is for 'being in love' vs 'loving you' vs wanting to get you in the sack.
I think you should ask him (and guys won't usually be good at this) what it is that makes him feel like he is 'in love' vs 'loving you as a friend'. Maybe it's something really simple that can be altered just with a new definition. Having a 7 month old and a 3 year old sure does suck every ounce of life right out of you.... how much time do you set aside to be his 'wife'. I ask that, not to put ANY blame on you, but to recognize that as moms we tend to put kids, house etc all in front of hubby. Which makes him feel 'not special' which can wane those feelings of 'being in love'.
So, counseling is a great place to start to figure this all out.
Do you have date night? Doesn't matter if you just said 'omg, no way i can fit in date night.' DO IT!!!! You both need it. Once a week, if you can. But every other week is NON-NEGOTIABLE. Treat date night like water or oxygen. You can't survive without it.
Good luck!
You have gotten some really great advice here and I am not much in the place to be giving any advice but my situation is a lot different from yours as everyone's is....though alot of us can relate and understand.
Love is a choice.....just like we choose many different things in our life so is love and once the newness wears off, kids come into play, and every day life goes into effect its hard to choose to love that one person with all the extra's in the way. Although you have to remember the commitment you made to one another and before God. I agree with the other posters....if he is truly trying and wants the marriage to work then you have to set up some alone time with each other. Going to church is great but remember that salvation is for yourself as well as forgiveness and all of the other things. If you are doing it to "save your marriage" or an attempt to make him/her stay then I don't believe it will last forever. You have to be with God for yourself and put him first above everything else and once you do that then everything else will fall into place. Not saying it will be easy because the enemy will be under attack mode and he never attacks from your strongest point but from your weakest. Good luck I hope everything works out and praying that your family can stay together. The enemy is under attack to destroy the family because he knows if the family is destroyed so is the church...he isn't stupid he knows his time is short and sometimes marriages fall apart anyways and I don't believe that is God's will but it just happens but you have to put all your trust and faith in him to show you the right way. Whether or not that means you being there within your marriage or not. God WILL and CAN show you the way and this marriage can survive but you both have to put God first, not second, not third but FIRST.
This sounds like one of those RARE occasions where a second change is acceptable, and very possible. I think you could start new and he could love you for more than just the wife he's had and the mother of his children, but love you in a new way. I see your children are young but can you get childcare for a night and be alone? You could go to a place that you loved to go when you first got together. Or just after the kids are in bed, hang out without the tv, and play a card game that you once liked together, or any activity that reminds you of the past.
Assuming you're still in love, keep loving him, and maybe he'll come around and you'll both be at peace with it again.
Go to counseling - get recommended to a great straightforward marriage counselor!!! No one can predict the future...but you can stack the odds in your favor and in the end if for some reason you don't end up working it out, you will know that you gave it your all.
Best to you!!!!
I do believe that, within the frame of a longterm marriage, your feelings for the other person come and go... Sometimes, your feelings are cool; months/year later, they burn hotter. I think it's natural. I also think that emotions need romance and couple time in order to stir the pot "hotter". People change throughout their life; as a couple, you have to continuously devote time to get reacquainted with how your spouse has changed, who you are now and who he is now.
Look, you just had a baby. Pregnancy and newborn baby takes a lot out of a marriage. Things cooled off and now it's time to kick the spark back on. It won't happen on it's own. You have to make him feel like he is a priority; get a babysitter once a week and make intimacy and date time a priority too. And yes, I do think committed couples can fall in love with eachother many times over the years.
Yes. I think he/you can get those feelings back. You're going to counseling, going to church, have two kids together. Every day is not going to be roses and rainbows and that's when I think people throw in the towel! Way too soon, I might add. What's the saying? "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be."
As for him being a policeman, I know that they do tend dto stuff their feelings down simply because they have to to get through the day/shift/call, etc. I have a friend who is a policeman and police chaplain. Does your hubby's department have a chaplain he can talk to as well? A person like that will be very familiar with the tightrope policemen walk between work and family.
Oh--O. other thing. I think it's a wonderful compliment that your husband considers you a friend. Friends are a good thing. Sometimes with little ones in the house, it's the friendship that gets you through those rough years. Best to you!
Yes, you can fall back into love. Think of a marriage that lasts four decades....you can not tell me the couple were madly in love with each other all 40 years. There are seasons in a marriage and with intention it can be what you want, if you both want it. There have been moments in our 12 year marriage that we were in a complacent mode and not moving toward each other. Realize that life with two small kids is hard on a marriage; keep pushing forward and lean into God during this time. The one thing God has shown me is that He can move my husband in ways I have not been able to alone. I am to pray diligently for my husband, and stay out of the way of God's work.
His job may be too much at this time or he may need some additional support and down time. Parenthood changes you; could be many things.
Here is a verse I lean on daily:
Philippians 4: 4-9
God bless you and your family.
J.,
I don't think that a person falls in and out of love, but I do think that a person can forget about being in love and think they don't love their partner anymore. I think that rather than he getting his feelings back, he just realized, he really loves you. Which is great. But you know that there are a lot of things besides love to make a marriage work. My advice is, give it all you've got, try it, help him try, keep your counseling, and like you said give it time, take it slowly.
I do think her job does play a role in this situation, but not the role you think. I think it plays an important role of helping him realize his feelings rather than influencing him.
I think Riley puts it perfectly when she says that we sometimes take things for granted, so start for not taking them for granted yourself. Good Luck!
I know he can get it back. Last year my husband had an emotional affair for the same reason(after 2 years of struggle), he too did not cross the line. I did not find out till this past jan. By God's grace everything changed after he realized that he could loose us. It has been a long road, but our marriage is better than it has ever been. It's by His grace along , because everybody told us we would not make it.....it was that bad......
I know for sure you can get feelings back. My husband and I have spent the last 10 years in and out of counceling to get through the rough times. We had a councelor actually tell us that you can fall in and out of love over and over. Its true. We've gotten it back and we've lost it, gotten it back etc. It's where loyality to your family comes in that you've got to rely on. You have to remain loyal to get through those times where things aren't clicking. Hope it gets better for you.
