Marriage Advice Needed Please

D.,
It's a work in progress. Keep on keepin' on. It'll come. Be as open and honest in counseling as you can.

Any questions or want to vent, msg. My computer is acting up.

Good luck,
M.

Totally understand! I am in the process of recovering from HATING my husband (again!). We have a 2.5 yr old and I never imagined how much I could hate him - but there are times I do...but I know DEEP DEEP DEEP down inside that I do really love him, so I work on it. We work on it. It takes a lot of work, a lot of communication, I lot of listening and a lot of being honest with myself and him. SO MUCH WORK! My friends feel the same way.

If your counselor isn't helping at all, find another one. All marriages have ups and downs. I've been maried for 24 years and there are days I love him soooo much and there are days I look at him and think "wht was I thinking!". Having two small children is very difficult on anyone. You need to take at least some time off from being "mommy on call" at all times. Insist your husband take over one day on the weekend. Tell him you're going out and GO. He'll have no choice but to take care of his children. I think it will open his eyes as to what you're doing 24 hours a day. Then you can have a conversaion about how much he'd like to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no breaks except to sleep and if your lucky go to the bathroom! He needs to understand that you're not just home playing with the kids. You know how to have an outside the house job - left him have an experience with an inside the house job. I believe all men should have to do this - its a real eye-opener. Good luck to you and your family.

D.,
I felt like I was reading my own story...My boyfriend and I don't live together and have an almost 4 yr old in Nov. He works alot and I work from home when he is here a couple nights a week he lays in the bed and wathces tv and wants me to lay with him. I know what he is thinking. TO me laying around all evening is the bigest waste of time. There is laundry, dishes, my son's bath, etc, u get the idea. Romance is the last thing on my mind so I give in once in while. Although he adores his son and is a good provider he is sometimes impossible when he can't get his own way. My advice to you is maybe set aside one or two nights a month where you can go to dinner or even a walk in the evening without the kids. And keep the communication open. No relationship is ever easy but it can get better with effort. I'm sure there are plenty of couples out there going through similar situations like ours. Best of luck. D.

Your hubby might just feel a little left out. Add in the fact that he's under a bit of stress from being the sole support of 4 people. Instead of leaving things as is and stewing over them until your marriage is totally wrecked why don't you start a tradition of doing something as a family one day a week. Maybe the both of you could take the kids to a park. Have a picnic. Do some work in the yard. Something where both your hubby and you can just have a good time with the little ones.

Hi D.,
I first want to let you know that you are not alone! I too have felt that way towards my husband if he comes home and makes a comment about the house not being picked up. I am a SAHM with a 3 yr old and an 11 month old. The last thing I want to do is hug and kiss him, more like hit him square in the face! These feeling are temporary and do pass. I am reminded that we each chose our roles as wife and mother. (Isn't it funny how wife came first and then we end up putting the kids first and our husbands second?) We can choose our feelings as well. Even when we don't "feel" like it, we change poopy diapers, clean up puke, messes, etc. for the kids. I think it is similar with our hubbys. We may not feel like being loving toward them, but it has to start with someone (us gals)! If you are loving toward him, I bet ya he'll be loving back. There has to be a lot of giving. Marriage is not about 50/50. Sometimes it is 90/10. No one said it was supposed to be easy. Hang in there girlfriend! One of the best things we can do for our children is model a loving relationship with our husbands. That means being forgiving, keeping our mouth shut (even when we want to tell him off), and being the best wife and mom we can. Talk to other women, like what you're doing here. I think it just helps to vent sometimes. Your honey is probably making comments, because he does need your love and attention too! Make him his favorite meal and dessert and ask about his day when he comes in the door. My husband and I have an outstanding rule that we kiss when we go in or out the door and say "luv ya bye" when someone leaves. I never want to regret the last words said if anything ever happened to either of us. Good luck and I hope this helped some! Hang in there! If no one ever tells you, you are great and appreciated and God loves you! You are never alone!

Hi D.,
Sorry that you're going through this rough time and I hope that your counselor is going to be able to help you and your husband. Are you saying that if you were working, your husband would do his share of childcare?
I think that some men simply don't understand what being a SAHM is supposed to involve. It means caring for the children during the workday so that you do not use daycare. Husbands sometimes need it to be pointed out quite clearly that it's not acceptable for them to have an 8-10 hour a day job while you have a 24 hour a day job. Being at home does not mean that you are solely responsible for parenting 24 hours a day, or that you will get all the cleaning, wash, shopping and cooking done. While your husband may say this was a "mutual decision," perhaps he was just thinking of how it would benefit HIM, not the kids, that it would mean that you would do all of the housework and childcare.
When my son was a toddler and my daughter was starting school, my husband got a great new job, we moved a couple of hours away and I left my fulltime job, the plan being that I would mostly be a SAHM for just a few years. It became clear that I needed to quickly and firmly clarify to my husband that this did not mean that he could come home from work, go right up to our home office, read the newspaper and go on the internet. I told him that it was not possible for me to cook dinner, help an ADHD first grader with her homework and entertain a toddler/keep him from disturbing his sister at the same time, that I could do any TWO of these 3 things, but that he would simply have to choose one of the other three - homework, cooking or toddler. He chose the toddler. He also had plenty of opportunity to be home alone with the kids, and he knew what that entailed. When he stayed home for a day, either the kids would be perfectly cared for and entertained, or the house would be in really good condition with wash and dishes clean, a meal prepped - but somehow he couldn't manage to do both so I feel that gave him a good appreciation for what I did at home.
I'd suggest continuing counselling if you are both working at it, and being clear about your needs and feelings. Being a SAHM does not mean that you are devoted to childcare and housework 24 hours a day. Continue to do things for you - exercise class, coffee with a friend, etc. and date nights are good too. Sometimes husbands don't realize the loss of social connection when you stop working, and how great it is to put on a dress and some lipstick, have a meal without cutting up someone else's food or cleaning up spilled milk and having a conversation that's not interrupted with "I have to poop!" The men often feel like THEY have to get away from the kids and don't realize that moms have that same feeling!

Try reading "The Five Love Langauges." It was recomended to me by a friend. I read it and talked about it with my husband. I found it to be very helpful. Here is a link to find it on amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...

I am sorry you are going through this! I went through this myself and still am a little. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, especially with the intimacy part. I only have one daughter, who is 3, and I do not work outside the home except to care for other children. My husband has always been jealous of my relationship with my daughter and the lack of attention given to him. We almost got divorced at the end of of last year and even spoke to lawyers. I ended up sleeping in the guest room for a long time too, so we were not intimate for a very long time! I guess I got cold feet about getting a divorce and had a change of heart you could say. Things seemed ok for a few months, but now, I am having doubts again. We get along well on other levels and still do a lot of things together, but on an intimate level, it's almost non-existent at times. We went a couple of times to counseling in the past, but now he won't go. I was going to one for myself, but stopped due to financial concerns. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but know you are not alone. Best of luck to you in figuring this all out!

Best,
Annie

I am right there with you! I have an 8yo, 3yo and 1 month old and just getting a shower is a chore! If my husband asks me 1 more time, "why do you need a shower?" I may just pop him one!!!!! My standard reply is I too like to be clean and it has been ___ days since my last shower. That said I almost always have 1 or more kids, husband holding a screaming baby and the 100 lb dog IN the 4 x 6 bathroom with me so I have to kick every one out just to get out of the shower! I have had 1 peaceful shower in months!!!!

My husband works nights and is home ALL day and when he acts like it is a chore for him to care for HIS children I want to scream. I can get him to help sometimes but it often is accompanied by a "umph" of sorts or some sound so I know he is annoyed. I just had our 3rd child on July 29th and he has had to help A LOT with the 3yo. He gets mad and locks himself in our room or even better tells me "I'm done!" and walks off. Then his "This ___ house", gets my blood boiling! In other words I didn't do something and he is mad that there is dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or laundry in some state to be taken care of. I often tell him if he doesn't like it GET OUT!!!!

I am also close to the "six week" mark since the baby was born and he is already asking when "we will get together"!!! I don't have ANY sex drive AT ALL and I don't want him touching me so our life is about to get even more stressed. I, like someone else said, will "do it" but resent him and if he doesn't get what he wants he gets mad and makes life tough.

I too think WE need counseling. We have had it before and it helped but this time I'm not even sure if he knows how mad, annoyed, sick of him I really am. Just know that if counseling isn't helping at all get a different counselor BUT also know that counseling does not fix problems overnight! Our resentment didn't come in 1 day neither will the fixes!!

I'm sorry I am NO help but know you are not alone and that I am struggling to make my marriage be good and not just be "there". I want to set a good example for my 3 girls as a great marriage and right now I am NOT doing that but I AM working at it every moment! WE can get through the tough (seems impossible) times but it WILL take extra work on OUR part because (most) husbands tend to be clueless and unless we speak up they are not even aware of problems!

God Bless and hang in there! A.

I just feel like we both lost something the day I stopped working. they treat you like less of a woman even though you are working even harder by staying home with 2 kids to tend to plus a house. Its hard..it seems we are watching our kids grow just to realize we too are growing. good luck..I am a single mom now..

Has the marriage counselor brought up the fact that it was a mutaul decision? It seems you are not having much communication between the two of you. Maybe if you made him feel important as far as letting him know how much you appreciate him so you can stay home with your kids. Also try to involve him with the kids. Don't just pawn them off on him. I have gone thru this with my husband. The men just want to know that they are needed and appreciated. Good luck. D. F

Hi D.,

I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. Although my husband would never dare say he worked harder then me I think it is someone normal for them to take advantage if we let them. It wasn't until I was sick with strep throat and 103 fever that my husband got to walk in my shoes and boy did his tune change. My kids were 4 and 1 at the time and I could not lift my head off the pillow. He had to fully take care of them for 24 hours (I probably could have helped but I enjoyed listening to him struggle much more LOL) He got a full dose of being a stay at home parent and pretty much ran out the door the next day for work. My advice is to let him walk a day in your shoes. On a Saturday make a plan for a day out for you with some friends. Go to the mall alone, go to lunch with a friend, sit in the library and read, get a pedicure, whatever you want. Once someone walks in your shoes their whole tune changes. If he is reluctant to watch the kids TOO BAD!! Remember people treat us how we allow them to treat us. He laid down and had these kids too so he needs to pitch in. Your resentment is only going to get worse unless you force the change. If he loves his family enough it will be an eye opener for him. He isn't going to walk away from his family he just needs to be forced into some changes. As far as the sex when you resent someone it is impossible to feel affection for them. Once he makes the changes and starts attending to your needs you will feel differently I am sure. Just tell him the days of Ward and June Cleaver are over. Marriage is a partnership and so is parenting. Good luck and stay strong!!! You deserve it!! Staying home and raising your family is the most difficult job you will ever do, but in the end you will be so grateful you had the opportunity to do it.

I agree with Angela. I stayed home with my twin girls, now five, but managed to continue working from home. even so, my husband still thinks he does more than i do, which is make 3 meals a day for my kids, clean, play with my kids, take them to places, work and make my deadlines, laundry you name it i do it. instead my husband thinks the fact that he sits in the office for 10 hours, and gets to talk to adults is a whole lot more than i do. well, i was mad for years about it, and changed my strategy. instead of saying could you please help, i say do this and go on with my thing, whatever that may be, folding laundry, putting things away etc. that way i don't stress myself more and i don't give him the chance to say well i am tired. what i said needs to be done he needs to do it without me begging. so i say, you're going through a rough time. you have a baby and a 3 year old. that's a lot. try your best. get him to help. your feelings may change as kids grow. also, consider going back to work when your youngest turns two. a few hours a week, or part-time or full-time, whichever you want. i am going back to work meaning not from home asap. my kids start kindergarten this week and i am ready to join the 'adult' world :)
good luck

I know kids stress a marriage big time. I have had similar feelings from time to time. What I have decided is that one of the best things I can do for my children is show them that I love their father and that my time with him is a priority. It is so easy to be overwhelmed with the demands of the kids and caring for the home, you have no energy left and you just want someone to take care of you. But you get what you give - if you find some time to rekindle your connection you will find that affection can grow again. Think of how happy your children will feel when they can see and really feel the love between their parents. It is worth the effort. Hope all goes well for you.

Sometimes it takes a while for the ball to get rolling in counseling. But it is a good way to improve communication. He needs to know if he wants affection and sex then you need to get the help you need with the kids and house. If you can afford a babysitter to give the kids dinner and put them in bed a few times a month...maybe then you will have the energy to give him the attention and affection he wants. I have an 8 month old and a 3 year old and even though I am home I am exhausted by the end of the day with the kids. My husband helps a fair amount and even so our sex life is pretty far on the back burner since the second baby arrived. All I can say with getting my husband to help is give him specific jobs (with specific instructions if needed)and give him lots of praise for doing it (even if you could have done it better in half the time). Hope you are successful in getting the changes you need to happen.