Marriage

You need to go out just the two of you and make time for each other. Dr. Phil suggests touching each other at least eight times a day and when my husband and I started doing that, I really did feel closer to him...just holding hands or touching backs as you walk by..etc. Good luck!

I actually went through this a couple of years ago. My husband actually moved out but we realized we did love each other more than anything and he moved back in. I will tell you what saved us is that we decided to take time together. We forgot how much fun we are together. I see the difference in my boys because now we spend great family time because we are just so much happier. Good Luck!!!

One word - Counseling. NOW!

He doesn't understand that you are working full time and being a mother full time and that there is very little left - physically and emotionally - for him right now. He doesn't know what to do to make it better so he pulls away. (Classic male response...)

Good Luck!!

Hi Raina,
To begin, I will tell you that you are NOT alone! I have had these same feelings, as I'm sure many others. Your life isn't the happily ever after that the fairy Godmother promised Cinderella. I've been married for 10y, together for 15, and have two kids. Luckily my situation is getting a bit better. My husband used to work at a grocery store and had aweful hours 6 days a week. He also needs lots of sleep, which of course is laughable with kids in the house. He changed jobs last year so now he works a set schedule 5 days a week and has weekends off most of the time.
Is our life the story ending? No, but I've learned a few things before he changed jobs that started in the 'give me my hubby back' process.

1. He always had the same day off. So occasionally, I would take that day off too. I'd send the kids to the sitter (or have them spend the night before at a relatives) and we'd just be us for the next 8 hours. Ran HIS errands together - went to the parts store, Home Depot, went grocery shopping together, stuff like that. Even if it was just to sleep in the same bed at the same time!

2. I left little notes in his car. He always sat in his car during lunch time. So I'd put little love notes where he would find them.

3. Write letters to each other. Working opposite, you probably don't get a lot of time to talk. We would leave notes for each other by the coffee pot. If there were questions, we'd leave the answers, etc.

They may seem like little things, but given time they can help reconnect you.
Good luck.
M.

He is your husband and you are his wife. That relationship will exist beyond your daughter (and future children) growing up and moving out. First, I must say that I like the fact that he tells you how he feels. That is a good sign of a healthy relationship. He is willing to communicate instead of acting on his unspoken emotions. So, tell him you appreciate his honesty, that you've been thinking about what he said about your relationship, and ask him what he would like in your relationship. Admit that you want another child, but you want a happy relationship more. You're willing to work on the relationship if he is. Be open, because if you suddenly change your attitude and end up pregnant, he's going to feel used and resentful of another child. Ask him what exactly he would like. If he says, more time with you, then ask him, how that can be accomplished when the two of you are on different time zones? No ideas? Here are a few suggestions:

Make the time to spend together. I know--two different time zones. But, the times must overlap at some point. Even if it's a date in the dining room before he goes to work and your daughter is in bed. Remember that the two of you went from being total strangers to husband and wife. You probably went on a few dates, but I bet you married because you both talked all the time about everything (not parenting), which led to marriage--you shared your lives then and wanted to do so forever. So, rediscover each other. You probably will have to initiate it only because you are the one seeking to make the change. He might catch on, if he likes it, and reciprocate and build on it. Use the telephone, e-mail, love notes, etc. to reconnect. You can leave notes in his car that he'll find on his way to work. You can e-mail him, something simple, "just thinking of you." You can call him once in a while in the office, on his break (if the breaks coincide). If not, and he gets home after you've left, leave him a note on the refrigerator or on the bed pillow. Also, pray that the two of you get off different time zones. If that's been happening for 6 years, it's no wonder he feels like roommates. You can't connect emotionally to a person who simply comes and goes; and he can't connect physically to someone who is disconnected emotionally. I'm sure that kills the love life. Plus, you've probably picked up the majority of the household and parenting responsibility as a result. Try to leave some tasks for him to do, like grocery shopping, bill paying, housecleaing, if you have all homework, after-school activities, field trip, dr. appts., cooking, and other daytime duties to do. You both work FT, but you might be doing too much at home, which is further draining.

If you two have different work shifts but similar leave schedules, try to find a day when the two of you can take some time to be alone and your daughter is in school and renew your friendship. Get some help. Do you have relatives nearby you can trust or does your daughter have school friends she can visit for about two hours so the two of you can spend some time alone? If not, have you thought about enrolling her in something like The Little Gym or My Gym, which offers parents' night out events? No free time? If your husband comes home at 5 am., and you've got to get ready for work by 7, have an impromptu breakfast in bed date. The same effort it took to be friends prior to marriage exists after marriage. You both probably snuck in every bit of free time you could get together then.

Would suggest not bringing another child into your relationship until you build back the intimacy. Being pregnant and caring for an infant will take more time and energy away from your marriage now. You don't want your children being resented, and you don't want to use your husband as a donor.

Love is an action word that requires effort--not just the emotions we tend to think. Once you've rebuilt the intimacy, both of you will be able to welcome another child with open arms.

Well, maybe it's a full moon.:) I'm having marriage issues too. But seriously...my hubby used to work 3rd shift and I can tell you~it's HARD!The whole family is effected;emotions run high everywhere. You are pretty much leading separate lives. Can he get on a different shift? If there is ANY time that can be spent together, you've got to make the absolute best of it. Okay, so he wants a baby...If you are working also, who really has time for another baby? Does he make enough for you to be a stay at home M.? Yes, there are sacrifices that will have to be made! You,together, have to decide if it's fair or feasible to bring another child into the mix. My husband is all about work also but he loves his family too. He makes the best of our time together and recognizes that he and I must have special time together,outside of the bedroom. Marriage is even harder than parenting. But you have to give it your all;for your kids sake. It's an investment your family can't afford to lose.

Raina

I hear the hurt and fear in your post and understand what you are saying. I also read that you both work on different time lines. This can be most stressful for any relationship.

Several questions come to my mind. Is your husband commited to wanting this relationship work? If it's yes even in the tiniest bit of hope, I believe that seeing a counselor/therapist may be helpful. Getting an outside perspect may start getting some communication back.

As for having another child at this moment, I do not think that would be the wisest decision because your husband may resent you for it and your relationship is not strong enought to withstand the stresses of raising another child.

I have used and recommended several times the book by Michele Weiner-Davis called "Divorce Busting" http://www.divorcebusting.com/ . You didn't mention divorce but there are great tools and ideas to help stimulate conversations.

Also, may I suggest that you schedule a weekly night out. I understand that since both of you don't work the same time schedule, I believe that this might be even more important. I sense that you have very little couple time and have not reconnected for a long time. Relationships need to be nurtured just like children and gardens. We tend to forget about our significant other because we feel they are grown up and can take care of themselves. Taking the time to be together and doing this together is what creates intimacy.

Raina, I hope that this will have been helpful. If you wish to talk some more, you can email me. Good luck

C. C.
Life Coach

oh, honey.
i can hear your pain.
please, get counseling and do it now. marriage is hard work, and even the best marriages go through rocky patches. sometimes you just need a calm objective voice to point out things that will seem obvious when you look back on them a few years down the road.
it sounds as if you love each other. go find a good counselor, spend time every day (even if it's just a few minutes!) telling each other what you love and appreciate about each other, why you fell in love in the first place. good luck.
khairete
S.

Raina,
I agree with Megan. You must find time to spend together. Having another child during this time may not be the best thing.
What is causing you to be distant emotionally and physically? Plan a date at least once a week for you and your husband. Leave him messages on his cell phone or on the house phone during the day. Make him excited to make the date. It is hard to build a relationship without spending time with one another. You must make time. Best friends talk, laugh, and play together. Seek the Lord and think back to some of the things you two did together that brought joy to you both.

We go out of our way when we are dating, and we must not stop once married.

Consider changing your work hours so that you can be at home when he comes in the morning. Perhaps a part-time job or a direct sales job. Think out of the box and do not be afraid.

Hello Raina,I could not help wanting to response to you.I know how you feel, I got married very young when I had my first child,I have bin married with my husband for 7 years now.Believe me we have had or ups and downs.We even were separated for almost a year and went threw divorce process which then never completed for several reason.To then realize that I loved my husband and father of my child.I can feel you love your husband and just need a reconnection with him.It's very hard when you both work different schedules,But YOU HAVE TO TAKE AT LEAST ONE DAY OF THE WEEK JUST FOR YOU BOTH!!Make it a must every week,no matter what.Go to dinner and a movie,take a walk at the beach ,just do something that you both once enjoyed doing together.It really works.You have to work on your marriage,It's hard after so many years to keep that little fire lit.And most important,Seek the help of God no matter what is your spiritual belief.God is our rock threw all these ups and downs.Many churches have marriage counsllers(we went to them too)and it just helps you set your priorities and see things from another point of view!I'll pray for you and luck!!

Raina,
Hey, I'm no wizard, but I have been married for 15 years to a Marine that has been gone half of our marriage and I have been in the same place as you on many occasions. The one advice I received from woman who's husband was a POW in Vietnam for 6 years (and the first 3 years she didn't know if he was dead or alive) told me that love is not a feeling, it's a commitment. So when I have those days that I want to run like hell and get out I think of my children and then I think if I can't make it with this man, who can I make it with. No man is perfect and no man can read your mind. You have to set a time whenever it is to go away for two days w/o you daughter. Go to a motel in Luray or somewhere close by that you can afford and do nothing but silly teenage things and make love. As much as you don't feel like it, it will be like going through the motions at first, but it will begin to click. A man needs sex, like we need hugs. That's their reassurance that we are still connected. When I feel the most far away from my husband and the last thing I want to do is have any type of sex or even be touched by him, I force myself and in the end the hugs that I need and the man I married reappears. We live in a society that says, if you are not happy you can find it somewhere else. You can't! Unless he's cheating, beating or on drugs don't leave especially for your little girl's sake. Daddy's teach their little girls how to be loved and that's harder on a every other weekend. I'm sorry to preach I didn't mean to if and you want to get together for drinks one day I would be more than happy to meet you. my # is ###-###-####. I know this ones tough, but your not alone. It's about the 10 year mark that it gets tough. Let me know if I can help. Sincerely D.

Hi Raina,
You must first open up the lines of communication between the two of you. You have to understand that men don't think like we do. Sometimes they are all about their job because they don't tell us what is really going on at work. He could be under a lot of pressure at work. Maybe you guys need to work on having some quality time just the two of you. Try thinking back to those times when you were so into one another and feed off of that. Whatever you do don't give up. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. These are stressful times and you guys need to be there for one another. Talk to each other. I wish you the best.

Raina,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such rough times. I have been married for 10 years and I know there are a lot of ups and downs. But here are some things I have learned along the way. I hope that some of these may be helpful.
Love is a choice not a feeling. Just because the feeling is not there, does not mean the love is not there. However, people feel love in many different ways. It is important to find out what makes your husband feel loved (not what you think), but ask him. And you should also verbally let your husband know what things make you feel loved. So although you may not "feel" emotionally and physically there, it is important to choose to be emotionally and physically there.
Marriage is also about putting your spouses needs before you. We do this with our kids all the time, but it is much harder to do for a spouse. That means going out of your way to please adn do sweet things for your spouse. You can't change him, but you can change the things you do. Many times, that will also change them. When your spouse begins to "feel" love, he will do things that make you "feel" loved.
Lastly, you have to make your marriage a priority. That means over your child and over your jobs. Your time together as a couple needs to be protected and sacred. If you are only catching each other here and there, something needs to change. Whether that be changing jobs or making sure you have a day off together, etc. We tried that night and day shift for a while and it will eventually tear up your marriage if you let it.
I know you married your husband for a reason, so concentrate on those reasons - all those great qualitites he has and not focus on the things that are going wrong. And talk, talk, talk. Even if it is writing letters back and forth. You have to communicate. Let your feelings be know and respect his. You may not agree with or understand why he feels certain ways, but that is how he feels.
As far as having another child right now, I would wait until you work this out. Another child would probably just make things a little harder right now.
Again, I hope some of this will help. I know it has helped me and with God's grace and learning to serve my husband we now have a vibrant, happy marriage.
H.

Well it seems like u and ur husband needs time for each other so u can repair the gap that's growing. U 2 need to schedule a heart to heart talk and reminisce about why u love each other. Then make a plan to have a date night or daywith just the 2 of u. My husband and I used to have the same schedule as the 2 of u. We made sure that we had time to spend with each other and the family so we had the same weekend off. We call each other up even if just to say i love at work or on the way to work. Spend as much time together even just a quick shower together will do. Bottom line show each other as much love and respect 4 each other everyday u have. Ur children will see the loving relationship u have and will be a loving and affectionate person towards the 2 of u.

I have been married for 11 years and I have 3 children; ages 4-18. I have worked night shift for 15 years and my husband works shift work; days and evenings. We have generally always worked opposite shifts to be home with our children. Keeping a marriage alive with such little time together is a real challenge. We e-mail, text, write letters and call each other everyday. We make every effort to recognize the positive contributions that each of us brings to the marriage and we try to overlook the little things that drive us nuts. My husband is in the Air National Guard and was deployed on and off for 2 years. The separation really helped us rekindle our relationship by focusing on each other instead of the day-to-day that comes with work and children. It is a lot of work to stay together as we grow older and as our interests change, but it helps to make a conscious effort to be positive and complimentary when you think about/talk about your husband.
Sometimes the smallest effort can turn things around. Ten years is worth fighting for!

Raina,
I've been married almost 21 years. Life throws many curves your way, you just need to stick with it. If you truly love your husband and want the marriage to work. Make time for the two of you. Sometimes we all need to get back that feeling we had in the beginning of our relationship. It just gets buried at times because we find other things that we think are more important. Look for those feelings - remember why you fell in love with him and make time to spend together with him....alone. We all love our kids, but one day they will grow up and leave us and we will be alone with our spouse, by that time you will have grown far apart from each other.
My husband and I always find time for us. Our kids are older - college,high school and middle school, but we have always taken time for ourselves and we love each other more today than 21 years ago. It hasn't always been easy, but it's always been worth it!
V

Hi, Raina. My heart goes out to you. Try talking to your husband. Maybe you two should get some professional counseling; someone who is unbiased that you can talk to and who will give you good suggestions for working things out. My sister and her hubby were having the same problem and got counseling and things are much much better.

You might look into some counseling or a marriage conference of some kind. I know that River Oak Church in Chesapeake is offering a marriage conference with childcare April 18 and 19.

I think you need a date night and some time to reconnect! You obviously still love him and I would hope if he wants a baby he still loves you. You are both working hard to support your family but money doesn't MAKE a family. What do you do on weekends? Every other Sunday we have movie night and we get a movie from the library throw a big comforter and pillows on the floor and snuggle as a family, eating junk food is a really important part...LOL After we put our son(5) to bed we put in a movie that we want to watch and snuggle some more. You may also want to read "The proper care and feeding of Husbands" (I think that's the title) by Dr. Laura Slessinger (again not sure of the spelling). Men don't understand words (I personally think my DH thinks I sound like the grown ups in Peanuts... wah wah wahhh). Compliments him, make him feel special, try to remember how you felt when you first met. I think if you act the part it will start to turn things around. Do you want another child or are you pushing him away so that it doesn't happen? If you want your best friend back start fighting for him!! You sound like a smart woman and I'm sure after all this time you know how to make your DH happy and then he will want to make you happy. I'm not saying to not be yourself, but you need to concentrate on the goal. Good Luck and God Bless!!

Dear Raina-

Phew! It sounds like you need to stop beating yourself up! The best gift you can give your daughter is a happy mom, and if that's with or without your husband, IT'S OK. Have you tried counseling? Also, do you have a date night ever? Sometimes couples get into parent mode so much they forget about couple time. I know you feel like you don't have time, but if you schedule it once a month, maybe swapping babysitting with another couple, you'll feel like a person again. Good luck!

Amy

Sounds like you and your husband are so busy working you have little time for quality time together. You need to scedule in some dates, just for the two of you to connect. Have a fun night out and great sex. Make your marriae relationship a top priority before it is too late. AF

I grew up in the 70's and therefore, was indoctrinated into the "I am woman" culture.

When I married my husband (of now 17 years), I believed our marriage was as much about me as it was him.

I became a Christian sometime after we were married and learned how to be the wife God wants me to be.

I would like to suggest to you that you get a book called "Created To Be His Help Meet". It was written by Debi Pearl. It may start out sounding like it's all about him. And it is. But you will hopefully find your God given responsibility as a wife to be one of the most rewarding relationships you will ever have. And, your husband will appreciate you in return and become your best friend.

Between the Bible and this book, my marriage has become more than a partnership. We are truly "one".

Each day is better than the one before. I can't say I don't ever get aggravated or upset with what he does or doesn't do. Relationships are never perfect. But I believe he is the best match for me.

Please let me know what you decide to do and how it works out for you.

First, I think talking openly and honestly with your husband is the most important thing. Let him know that you're missing him and not just because you want to make a baby. Listen to how he feels about things right now. Then try to negotiate some resolutions. You have to work at your relationship - just like a job. Changes may need to be made. You both may need to talk to your employers and seek some different hours and different days off or something that will give you some more time with your husband and have your family together more. If it is a matter of financial need that you both work so much -- maybe you need to cut back on what costs so much. Buy a smaller house, trade in the cars for cheaper ones - change your lifestyle. While you may think you're providing all of these great things for your daughter - what will all the "things" do for her, if both of her parents aren't there with her. You both need to make family a priority first (not saying that you aren't doing that, just saying that it needs to come from both of you). Talk to your husband. Ask him to compromise and you do the same. You will both need to give equally to make it work and you have to think of what is best for your daughter.

Is there any way either of you can switch schedules? Then ask your husband what he wants...his job or his family? Men like to "exit" when they are not getting enough attention (like children). Something's gotta give. You need to find out why you are "emotionally & physically not there". Depression can be a cause of that feeling as well. Talk to your doctor.

Parenting is a drain on you but you have to make an effort for your marriage. Take a day off from work send your daughter to a babysitter and "surprise" your husband when he get home in the morning. They love little gestures like that. You may have to "psych" yourself up for it, but once the phyical connection is restored the emotional will resurface.

I am a SAHM, part-time student with a 4yo & 7yo boy. Been with my husband for 10 years married 8 in July. We have gone through this too (without the work schedule thing) every couple does. You have to work at reconnecting. It will take effort so it is up to you and your husband if you "want" to. The worst thing you could do right now is have another baby... not fair for your daughter, yourself or your marriage. Many people think having a baby will "fix" everything. WRONG! The child is the one who suffers.

Hi Raina,

You are going through another milestone in marriage. 10 years is one of them.

If you can hang on, things will get better.

Go to counselling if you can at a local Community Services Board that have sliding scale fees or Child and Family Services.

Get involved with a local civic group such as the Kiwanis.

If you have a family member or friend who is a problem drinker, go to an Al-Anon Support Group in your area.

It sounds like you are now bored with your life. Do volunteer work outside the home.

These feelings will pass, just ride them out. Don't destroy your marriage because things are quiet right now.

Things will get better. Good luck. D.

maybe something needs to change. go out on dates again. leave love notes around the house. can one of you switch to the other schedual so you can be on the same schedual? if yo wan it to work you have to make it work. it doesnt just stay all peaches and cream if it isnt what you bot want. at least you both agree you dont like the set up now all you have to do is change it.

It sounds as if the two of you need to start dating again. With your guys work at such different times it might be hard to find time, but in my opinion thats what you need, time together.

Raina,
I've been there before. My hubby was a workaholic and I felt so alone. I even felt not only did work come before me but my kids came before me too! My hubby's dad left them when he was young so he's always been the father he wished he had! We fought a lot since I was so unhappy. I know he was too...we just weren't connecting and how could we when we were just roommates! So, it came down to marriage counseling and late nites of talking about our feelings and issues...He didn't want to lose us. Sometimes we get carried away in what we do, and it seems now that you both need to reevaluate what is happining in your marriage. And it's healthy to do that often anyway! I wouldn't want those days back but am thankful for them because my hubby and I have grown closer and our marriage is stronger. There are some great books out there too...What's helped me never to get to that place before is my attitude toward him...Pray to help it change. Love him and try to see through his eyes...I love the counsel Seek first to understand then to be understood. Then talk, really make time to talk. also realize too that Satan doesn't want families to be happy and to succeed. It helped me knowing someone was out to destroy us and I was going to fight to protect it! God speed and bless!

If you haven't already talked to him about your feelings I would definately start there. For some reason I have noticed that all of my friends (myself included) have gone through marital bumps in the road at 10 yrs. Hang in there and keep communicating. I would suggest holding off on another child until things get better. If on the off chance things don't improve a 2nd child could make the already strained relationship even more caotic. You should also make time for each other even if it's just one night/day a month to spend time solely on "re-connecting". Hope that helps!!

Start by emailing your posting to him. :) All marriages go through ups and downs. Talk about what each of you need from the other and how you both can make it happen.

I was and still sometimes am where you are. My husband's job takes him out of town and all over the country, sometimes overseas. I stayed at home w/3 children, at one point all under the age of 3. (I have twins) First of all, I suggest going to a counselor, just for yourself. Make sure that you are okay and that your expectations of your relationship are reasonable. Work through your anger on your own, then you can approach your husband with a clear and less emotionally driven head. Write him a letter. Tell him what you want and why you are disappointed. You don't have to give it to him, just write it all down. Then write yourself a reply as you would have liked him to have done. It helps heal a lot. Then you can sit down with your husband and talk about your expectations of your relationship. Sometimes you have to renegotiate your contract. Even an employer/employee relationship has to be renegotiated now and again. It could be that he has a lot of things that he wants to talk about, his own expectations that are or are not reasonable.
My other advice is don't have another child to give your child a sibling. Only have another child if you and your husband both want one for the reasons of wanting the child for the child, not for a sibling or to heal a relationship. That's a lot of pressure for a little baby!
Good luck! My husband an I still hit our bumps, but we both know we are in this together and that we are a team. And every year we renegotiate the contract to see what needs to change.

I'm confused has he actually used those words, "your not emotionally and physically there." ??? If that's the case you know what you have to do. But, regardless of your work schedules you need to make the time for each other. You need that time everyday to discuss the day, the children, your marriage and really listen to each other. All men need physical attention from there spouse. He could feel unattractive, not needed, not masculine enough. They need those little ego boots every once in a while. Men take all there cue's of what's going on in the relationship from us. If your not talking, if your keeping to yourself, if you don't want the physical part of the relationship - he's going to do the same thing. Very few men will stand up to the plate and say, "we have to make this better - lets talk." There are marriage therapist and they can work. BTW, I know from experience that if you say, "my daughter's daddy" that hurts them horribly. I know that is how you might feel, but you can't say things like that - it won't make anything easier better. I have three kids and just because they have a brother or a sister to play with isn't going to make their childhood better. They aren't going to be friend friends until they are in their 20's. What you do now and how you handle things are going to be what determines how their childhood turns out. (Yes, I'm married been married for awhile now and I have 3 kids)