Hi, P.,
You certainly are dealing with a tremendous amount of stress right now. I am most concerned about the possibility that it sounds as if you might be or are starting to experience a depression. Having a baby in the NICU is certainly a stressor and risk factor that can lend itself to the development of postpartum depression, as does severe stress, tension, and non-support within your marriage. This is NOT your fault, you are NOT alone in experiencing this, and you WILL get through this with proper support!
I am also concerned about some of the advice being given to you here. I know all of it comes from a good place in everyone's heart here, however, the messages that attack your husband's character and paint him as the embodiment of evil in your marriage are not going to help you figure out how to mend the relationship. Those messages are only going to serve to drive a further wedge between you and your husband and will make it all that harder to bridge! Some of this type of advice seems to come from a place of the writer having been burned before, but that is the experience of that writer, and I want to emphasize that everyone's experience is different. Don't let someone's past frustration and pain guide your actions with your husband! My fear is that type of advice will only further hurt you when it further damages your marriage!
I agree with those that suggested you seek out a therapist to talk to, especially to provide you with support and alleviate the depression you seem to be experiencing. I also suggest you discuss how your feeling (tired, crying often, overwhelmed, etc.) with your OB/GYN who is KNOWLEDGEABLE about the treatment of postpartum depression (PPD), IF that is in fact what you are experiencing (be careful, though, in my experience, both personal and professional, not all OB/GYNs are up-to-date with the best practices information about the treatment of PPD!)
I particularly recommend couples counseling as a strengthened marriage will help both you and your husband deal with this stress and this will benefit your daughters. The strength of a family unit is dependent on how strong the parental and spousal unit is. Marriages take two to tango and both sides have a piece of the puzzle. In doing couples therapy, I ALWAYS inevitably discover that both partners have a valid persective of the marriage, in different ways. Your husband also appears to be experiencing tremendous stress, however, he seems to be turning it outward onto you rather than dealing with it, while you are taking it on and turning it inward unto yourself. The two of you need to come together and talk about this, not the surface issues of who is completing what chores, etc. Don't let this go on any longer without a chance for the two of you to begin to address BOTH of your thoughts and feelings about what is going on, because the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to mend this chasm between the two of you. I am sure you already intuitively know this!
I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I am also the SoCal Outreach Coordinator for Postpartum Support International. ***You can check out their website at www.postpartum.net
Please call if you are interested in seeking some referrals for therapists in your area who are experienced with issues such as these and who are trained and knowledgeable about postpartum issues. I specialize in treatment in this area (please see my website below), and I also know of other fantastic and EXPERIENCED therapists in this area who also specialize in these issues that I can refer you to.
Sincerely,
S. M. Wolf, MFT
www.SandyMWolf.com
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