Marital Problems (Part 2) - Willow Hill,IL

I divorced some years back and remarried, (sixteen years) so I feel I am an experienced speaker. Let me start my countdown
1) Do not use his lawyer, do not use his lawyer, do not use his lawyer
2) Do not take children and move out of your house
3) Do not at this time get a different job Unless some amazing high paying thing comes along and you can barely stand it, that will be fuel for him to lower any sort of child support payments you should receive
4) Subbing is a wonderful way to make an income. I had the same kind of background as you (no actual teacher certification) but I subbed for many, many years and actually acquired retirement credit
5) sign up for several school districts
6) subbing works well if you have sick children, children on vacations, etc. the childcare is very costly
7) start inquiring about state insurance (kidcare/Allkids) and if you find a lawyer ask if insurance can be written into the agreement (his-soon to be ex)
8) it ain't over til it's over, he may change his mind, several times
9) be clear with your children, they do feel things and urge them to talk, talk it out with you
10) remember we are out here and write, write, write-it will be cathartic

First of IF he even finds a lawyer that says he'll take on both of you, turn it down because they aren't a very good one. There is no lawyer who is any good that would do that, conflict of interest. Second, if you can't afford one, and I'm not sure how, but look to see if your state provides lawyers for someone with limited funds. Third, I would tell him after X-mas he is OUT. I wouldn't make him go before because of kids. But after X-mas tell him he's the one who wants it and not willing to work on it so he's got to go.

I'm responding to this as the child of multiple divorces, the friend of many who have divorced and the sister of the stepmother...

1. DO NOT share a lawyer. Find the best you can afford; you're going to need it.
2. Sit down and do a realistic budget for just you and your kids. Be sure to include day care costs as you return to work or school, insurance, home maintenance, children's activities, etc. You should expect him to pay alimony and child support until you're up running, particularly if you've been out of the work force to care for the family. That's a job, too. (Personally, I'd keep subbing as you work your way in to a teaching position.)
3. If your husband is as "done" as he says he is, he should move out. This should happen roughly five minutes after he has explained to his children why he's breaking their family apart. Hiding out in the basement and expecting you to carry on is the act of a coward.
4. Find yourself some counseling. You're going to need it.

I don't know how it is in Illinois, but in California and Nevada (where I lived/live), the courts favor the mother. Your husband may be a lot less "done" when realizes how much he'll be giving to you and the kids and how little he'll be able to keep for himself.

My sister, who is a veteran of many a day in California family court (as wife of the ex-husband), would advise you to document everything and to do your research (she likes to call it "due diligence").

I'm not advocating that you "soak" your husband for every penny or that you purposefully act in an obstructionist way. But, it is your job to make sure that you and your children do not suffer unnecessarily because your husband is "done." Revenge has no place in divorce proceedings.

Next, whatever feelings (good or ill) that you have for your husband must be handled away from your children. Whatever you do, DO NOT bad mouth, trash talk, or be disrespectful of your soon-to-be-ex in the presence of your children. Remember, he is still their father. I can't tell you how many times my mom did that and how poorly it reflected on her.

Last but not least, when a step-mom comes on the scene, don't freak out. You are NOT being replaced as mom. I've had two stepmoms and neither of them wanted to "be my mom." What they wanted was for me to develop a better relationship with my dad. With my first step-mom, that meant having us over every weekend to be part of her family (four kids and my dad). My mom went bananas thinking she was trying to "steal" us away from her. (This was after years of complaining that my dad never did anything with us!) With my second stepmom (I was an adult by this time), she also wanted my dad to improve his relationship with me (and my sister). My mom got upset that I spent more time talking on the phone with my stepmom than with her (in reality it was fairly equal). My sister tried being an involved stepmom--looking after my step-nieces grades, for example--and the mom went nuts. My sister was "interfering" with her "rights" as mom. Never mind that all three step-daughters were failing school and with my sister's intervention their grades improved, in one case to the point where one of the girls earned her way out of alternative education and back into regular high school. In all three examples, mom sounds like a psycho, huh? Don't be that kind of mom. Again, it will always reflect poorly on you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hang tough, sister. I know it's hard to believe this, but you can survive this and so will your kids. It won't be easy but you will.

Hugs...

You are smart not to want to use his lawyer! Call Legal Aid and search around for law firms who sometimes take cases pro bono or at reduced rates. I used to work with some female divorce attorneys who did a lot of work like that on the side for disadvantaged women. I don't know what your job qualifications are, but you will need a job. However, don't race for one yet. Let the court see that HE supported YOU and HE provided insurance benefits. That way he will owe you alimony AND child support! The fact that this is HIS idea and he hasn't even been willing to seek counseling or try to work things out is all to his detriment. You hang onto those books and let your attorney know you asked for counseling, read books, even print out your previous post from here. It all shows that you were interested in saving the marriage and he wasn't. Make sure that he NEVER forgets you because he's always going to be writing checks to you!

I am sorry that you are going through this. Hugs to you:) I know how hard this is. I went through a divorce with my first husband and we share a daughter, so I've been where you are at, plus I've worked in law. IF he's done, "he's done...period." Don't take this the wrong way: You need to stop feeling sad and stop playing the victim and get a grip on this situation for the sake of your kids. Time to put on your big girl panties and move on for you and the kids. First things first. Each of you NEEDS a separate attorney...period. Your attorney will look for your BEST interests and those of the children. Honestly, I think your husband is playing you for a fool by telling you one attorney can handle this--no way. You NEED an attorney to look out for you and your kids. In regards to your husband staying at your house, your husband should move out. It's easier for him to move than for you and the kids especially if he becomes violent. That's a good question to ask an attorney also as laws vary from state to state. I know it's tough, but don't get wrapped up in the holidays so much. Focus on what needs to get done--meaning, the best for you and the kids. This is not about you and your husband as much as it is about the kids. You need to find yourself an attorney on Monday too. Don't worry about attorney fees--the attorney will get his money. Your financial situation is very common. There are millions of women who have been where you are now, you are not alone.

Hang in there. When one door closes, another opens. I got divorced 13 years ago on Valentine's Day. Today, I am happily married to my wonderful second husband and we share two beautiful kids. I am a SAHM who is spoiled by my hubby. If I would have stayed in my awful first marriage, I never would be where I am today. Remain positive and remember, life for you is not over: it's just going in a different direction:)

Best wishes,

M.

You need to hear everyone of these posts.. they are all correct. do not use the same lawyer no matter of the cost. you can deal with that later.

Get everything you can now, you will not regret it later .Document everything.
This is your future!

Make sure you have him pay the house... you and your children should not be booted out because of HIS midlife crisis. He can easily get a dinky apartment to rent for his own loser self. Make sure you get the majority of custody, because he doesn't seem like he's been giving his all to his family for awhile, it just took you a long time to realize it.

As someone else said - do NOT use his lawyer - who will be out to get HIS stuff, not you and the children. Just keep reminding yourself you are the childrens' Mother and must protect them, even from their own Father. Please don't be naive and think your soon to be ex husband has the best interests of his children at heart - he's proven that is not the case.

May also want to try and get a paid off car, at least in decent shape - to get you and your children around safely.

Look into Nursing school - you ALWAYS will have a job in that field.

Absolutely, under no circumstances should you "share" a lawyer! Never, never, never.

Check, discreetly, to see if you state offers Legal Aid. We have it here in Florida for individuals that would not be able to afford an attorney.

I am so sorry that he is not willing to work on this with you - very immature on his part to leave a marriage with kids, at Christmas no less, without giving everything he can a try. I am so very sorry. No, you cannot share an attorney with him. You need someone who is looking out for your best interests. If he had given six months towards trying to work on things, I might say go ahead and share but I do not trust a man who breaks this news at the holidays and refuses all your attempts to work on the relationship. All he has demonstrated is that he is an incredibly selfish person to impact everyone's holiday this way and who wants to share with a selfish person? Meanwhile, you are an incredibly loving and giving person. Your husband drops this bomb during the holiday season and you go out and buy books and movies and get to work on how to make it better - you are so loving and giving that I definitely think you need someone looking out for you. I would also echo what another poster said. If you have not yet confided in someone, it may be time to do that so that you have some emotional support. I am so sorry. Life will get better, just have a mantra that someday you will be through this time of your life and you will be happy again.

I say after Jan 1st, he can start walking the walk, since he's so good at talking the talk.
Get your own lawyer, that's for sure. Sign nothing until YOUR lawyer looks it over.
Research what you need to do to get your teaching certification. Sounds like you're very close. This is the time to finish it up.
Sorry you are going through this right now.
It's sad when O. spouse wants to work on a marriage and another doesn't. Unfortunately, you cannot change his mind.

Sheila's comments below are completely fabulous... listen to her.

Here's my two cents...

I divorced my husband just over a year ago. One year from now, you will be amazed by yourself. You can do this. Right now, it just plain sucks, but it does get better, tell yourself that every single day.

The thing that kept me going was my kids. Do everything for them. You need to start planning YOUR life with them. Let your husband figure out everything on his own.

He should not be living in your home, he doesn't get to "hide" out. If he wants out, there is the front door... go. Hiding out is weak, actually walking out the door is hard. So, put it to him straight, pack up & leave. If that is what he wants, he'll go.

And when he closes that door, you wrap your arms around yourself & squeeze tightly and KNOW you can do anything. You're a woman. We are blessed with an inner strength that can carry us through the darkest moments.

Hug & love your kids. Keep things as normal as possible for them, don't change any routines or traditions now. Keeping their lives as in tact as you can will greatly help them.

I'm a teacher... we love a good sub!! You could sub daily, really, & you never know, there might be a teacher out there ready for a maternity leave that you could do. Subbing will be good because you'll be very busy all day & don't have to bring any of the work of a teacher home.

You can work on a degree, and by the time you're done, education may need a new recruit of teachers.

Don't give up. Fight. Grin & bear it when you need to. Cry when you need to.

Peace to you...

After Christmas he needs to LEAVE. Maybe even BEFORE. That is not fair to you. He is being extremely selfish. NO I do not think you should share the lawyer. You need someone that has YOUR best interest first. Period. Start calling attorneys and maybe you'll find one that will take payments. Better yet, put another post on this site asking for someone to recomend an attorney in your area. I'm so sorry :-( As hard as it is, if he has made his decision .... stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself and your kids.

OMG I'm so sorry! This sounds devastating:( I agree with the other mama's about finding your own lawyer and looking into legal aid. It can sometimes take a week or so to get in, but you don't have to rush the legal end of this process, even if your hubby wants to. That's the beautiful thing about your signature...it belongs to YOU!

On the emotional front, it takes some amazing super hero skills to not feel overwhelmed right now, so please allow yourself to begin the grieving process. And I don't mean grieving over a divorce that may or may not happen. I mean grieving for the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your husband and the relationship you KNOW you had with your husband. Unfortunately, this process is a lengthy one that can't fully begin until he leaves. It might be difficult, but maybe you should tell him he needs to stay with a friend or relative for a few weeks and participate in holiday events with you and your kids while not living with you. This will help diffuse some of the stress of 'pretending' under the same roof and enable you to 'pretend' for the kids in doses. And by pretend I don't mean not letting your kids know but maybe not letting them know the extent. Maybe telling them mommy and daddy need to take a time out from one another for grown up reasons that have nothing to do with them. That mommy and daddy still love each other and them very much but need to spend less time together so things can feel better in the house. Maybe that you want everyone to be happy and that means daddy will visit and call and have dinner with them, but won't sleep at home right now. Small and honest doses help kids not internalize I think. Not telling them when they clearly know something is up might result in your children self-blaming.

My heart goes out to you! Maybe schedule some playdates for your kids with others so you can schedule in time to simply grieve. Schedule some friend time to process everything too...you can't eliminate or hide your emotions but you can do things to manage them so as to not breakdown at inopportune times. And if you do break down, that's ok too:) Just be kind to yourself and recognize that the marriage is struggling to many reasons and some are only going to be understood with hindsight...after the storm has passed. This means, during the storm, acknowledge it is scary and stock up on survival supplies (instead of food and water and flashlights, sleep, alone time, friend time, and loving times with your kids).

Just know too that assigning blame to yourself right now will only make you feel worse. Don't get lost in details, but stay focused on what you know to be true...you have wonderful kids and are a wonderful person worthy of being fully loved. If hubby can't fully love you, he should leave and focus on fully loving his children.

Best wishes and again, try try try to be kind to yourself:)

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HI L.! I am so sorry you are going through this. My only hope was that the "book pushers" would get a clue and see that their formulas don't work. Both parties have to be willing.
Ignore the advice to read anymore books and to apologize for all the stuff you may have done wrong. Your husband makes his choices based on HIS behavior, not yours.
I hate the school of thought that says that the woman has to make all the changes and all the effort. Your husband is doing a disservice to your family and himself by refusing to work on it. You gave it your all.....don't let anyone condemn you.

My heart goes out to you. It's okay to grieve and it's fine if you can't hide it from your kids. Absolutely go to counseling for yourself. It's a good thing to let all that hurt out so you can heal.
Hugs to you.