"Man" Anxiety

Just comfort him. He'll get over it.

It's so nice to read that all the other moms who have responded have said to comfort him. After just getting off the phone with my mother who was talking about two year olds being tyrants and so forth it's nice to hear moms who have good maternal instincts.

Hi S.

I agree that firstly comfort your child.

I disagree that it is a phase, it may not pass. His personality is shining through, and he may well not get over this. He may just like we are -all different, He has his own views of personal space, and what people make him feel un/comfortable.

Yes, use your words to help him know how to describe his situation, and feelings so that he know what to say when he grows up. Show him and model for him appropriate social behavior so that he can get out to his own space and feel comfortable (eg,Please excuse me).

You can only respect your son's feelings, and you can teach him to respect his feelings too, and make choices about what to do with them. However you can't make him into something that he isn't. He may never like loud people, but you can teach him how to deal with his feelings about that .

Regards
P.
(mom to a very very shy child who I have spent much time with to be be more socially aware)

Hi S.!

In my opinion, you make your baby feel secure no matter what, and at all times.

My boys were both more sensitive to loud sounds that would startle them easy. Clapping in an auditorium, would also draw tears and fears. Hugging and reassurance is the key!

Also, if this is a man you are considering dating, he needs to know that his loud voice startles your son. He needs to be sensitive to that if he's ever going to be in your life.

Just hug that little boy!

~N. :o)

This phase is completely normal...so not to worry. Your baby is #1, and his comfort is priority over everyone elses feelings. He is not being bratty or manipulative, he is way too young for that phase.
Please, please comfort him and sweetly and simply explain to others that he is going through a shy phase. And if people get right up to him and in his face (I know some to do that) try playfully saying 'oh, he is shy, that makes him nervous.'
You know your boy better than anyone and your boy is counting on you to protect him and teach him how to set limits.
So I say intervene and tell people when he needs space. People understand, and they are looking for your cue on how to interact with him. Don't worry about others, it is about him right now.
Good luck!

My little guy is pretty easy going but has burst into tears in response to friendly overtures from a couple male relatives he hadn't met before. With family I take advantage of the opportunity to first comfort him and then give him time to see that the man really isn't scary and warm up to him at his own pace. So I would comfort him then try to show by my actions that the man is really OK.

When I was a daycare provider I had a 1 year old girl who would not go to men she did not know. I would not force it, as this is a great opportunity to reinforce stranger danger. Not to mention pushing the child to interact with people they are not comfortable is not good for building trust with your child. They need to know you will protect them. It may be a simple anxiety they have for the deep male voices of strangers, or it may be a sensory thing. Honor it, and comfort the child. Don't allow anyone to invade his space if he is not comfortable with them. This will help later when you are trying to teach your child that no one should touch their body, or hurt them. So make sure to honor their personal space and comfort now. Sounds like you are doing a great job!

I'm sure this is something he will get over in time, but I would be careful not to put him in a situation that will make him uncomforable and if you see if happening, definitely intervere and remove him from the situation. You only need to be concerned about how he feels; the other person is an adult and can take care of their own feelings.

I agree that you should pick him up and comfort him letting him know it's good he communicated his fears to you and it's not right for others to get in our space, AND hold up your hand and tell people to back off, give him space. However you want to word it. My doctor's mom was an expert on healing from predators ... he told me every child should go through a stage of this fear of strangers and if not, it might mean something is not right. Children's boundaries need to be protected until they learn (from you) how to protect themselves. I was freaked when strangers would come up to us in the store and touch my baby's feet, cheeks without asking, or even ask to hold her or whatever. He said I should tell them, "No. She's Mamas girl" or "she's shy" or "she doesn't go to strangers" or however I want to word it. He even said, "You don't have to be nice but a nice way to say it is 'My doctor doesn't allow others to touch her.'" Letting these people do this type of behavior conditions the child to accept unwanted touch. I certainly don't want to condition that into my child. Kidpower offers some great classes for parents and different ages of children in Santa Cruz and Berkeley and other locations on age-appropriate boundaries and empowering kids. They're terrific. I highly recommend them. Check them out at http://www.kidpower.org .

I always comfort my son when he is afraid or uncomfortable. But at the same time as I am hugging him close I would talk to him and say something like "oh yes, that man's voice is really loud. It's louder than Mommy's voice, isn't it?" and maybe talk in a big deep voice for a minute. Something to let him know that I recognize his feelings but that overall this is not something that will hurt him or that he needs to be afraid of. I would also back off a little from the person who came to close or if possible warn them that your son needs a little extra space. But as he relaxes maybe move a little closer every few minutes so he can learn it will not hurt him.

My daughter went through this phase with men who had beards. The funny thing was that her dad and grandpa both have them. So, I did comfort her and because we live with dad, of course, she got through it faster. But there was about 4-5 months of my daughter not wanting daddy.

So, I say comfort your son but do not avoid these type of people. You can even tell them that he is a little uncomfortable around loud people and let them decide how to handle it.

D.

Nothing wrong with putting your hand up between loud man and your sensitive child, and gently establishing the respectful boundary. You don't even really need to say anything, just make the gesture. If your child is signalling that someone is too close in his space, heed that signal and curtail the intrusion.

IMO children's boundaries should be respected. And loud people, sometimes, need a little help to recognize anyone else's boundaries.

Don't worry about everyone involved. Just your little one, and you. In time your child will be able to withstand social intrusion but you may find also that he simply prefers people who recognize and respect the boundaries of his personal physical comfort zone. That discrimination is a good thing. In the meantime, do what feels best, and when the loud person has gone away, dialogue with your child about what he felt, and validate his feelings. When my own child was uncomfortable in a social situation, often her feelings about it, even at your son's age, were really easy to understand. I hope the same is true in your situation.

Best of luck; I've been there too.