Making My Stepson Feel Included

Hi. I might have an idea that worked for me. When I was nine, I lost both my parents in two separate incidences and was an only child. My life changed dramatically and I was passed around alot for a while. I eventually had to be placed in the foster system, but did have an aunt who was deemed too ill and old to take me, but she wanted me to know i was always there in her heart. She made me a jar, covered in stickers, ribbons, etc. and inside there were little colored scraps of paper that she had written little thoughts and things about our family and me. She had taken some photos as well and copied them onto paper, pics of her and I, my parents and me, etc. and they were in there too. I would get up each morning and the first thing I would do would be to run to that old jar and see what marvelous thing was written about me today. That jar got me over many rough days. Each year after that, every holiday season, she would send me a "refill" - little scraps of paper to put back in the jar. I still have the jar, and although she passed away many years ago, my family will still from time to time, drop a little something in it to remind me of them.
I was also thinking to help with the little scraps of paper, since there is not alot of history there yet, you could go online and search little kid inspirational sayings, jokes for kids, etc. It sounds silly, but it did work for me and I might as well throw it out there for you. You never know. Good luck and kudos for recognizing the problem and trying to help him through it. Make extra time for him, maybe pick him up after school once a week, meet him for lunch at school, call him just to say hi, etc.

I have been a part of my step-son's life since he was one and he is now 11 so I have been lucky in that he has always just welcomed me in his life and I think of him as my own. We had our first child 3 years ago and he has 4 other siblings at his mom's. For me the biggest thing has just been to ensure I don't make everything about his brother, especially when I was pregnant and after I had him. I planned and still do, special times and outings just for him and then included him in things for the baby, like the sonogram, painting the room, picking out a special gift for his new brother and now we do things just him and I, even if it just going for a walk or playing a game. I won't lie, after having my son it was an adjustment for both of us, he was used to getting all of my time and attention. I was lucky to get to have him stay home with me during the summer while I was off on maternity leave so the three of us got to spend some great time together. Weekends are tough, especially as they get older and more involved in other things but when he is there I treat him no different than I do my son, I give him lots of love and attention. The other challenge for me has been building that bond with his brother since he isn't at our house as much as he is with his other sibilings. His little brother just adores him and misses him so much when he is away. My step-son is just an amazing big brother and I think his brother just wanting to be with him has helped build his confidence and made him feel needed and a part of the family.

Being a step-parent can be the most challenging and the most rewarding thing but I feel so blessed to have the opportunity. I tell my step son that he is lucky because he has even more people that love, adore and protect him. I am so blessed because I feel I have the best step-son I could ever ask for. I know for him, me just being there to support him, cheer him on, talk to him when he needs it, is what has worked for us. I wish you the best of luck on you new little on and with your step-son, give it time and it will get better, the most important thing is to show him you love him.

i was in a situation almost identical. my 5 yr old step-son has a new baby brother from us as well as his mother (but not the additional step siblings)

the only advice i have to offer is to make sure dad spends a lot of time with him. i know it's hard when you have a new baby, but it's very important for him. watch a movie together, build stuff. have him play with the baby with you and tell him how much the baby likes him. maybe he could be your "helper" and grab diapers or toys. try not to say that you can't do something with him because of the baby, he could build up resentment for the new baby. that's about all i have to offer, i hope it's helpful. i know it's a tough time. good luck!

Well, it's a pretty bad situation. His family has basically been destroyed, and in his eyes (and somewhat in reality) he is being replaced by both parents what with remarriages, step siblings, and new babies. Definitely let his dad hang out with him alone as much as possible, more than you may like with a new baby. This really is not an ideal situation for this poor little boy.

Hi J.,

His feelings are pretty obvious, his mom has an other child that is with her all the time and his dad has an other child that is with him all the time.....I would say that the best is to make him understand how much mom and dad love him, so much that he has to spend time with both, and make sure you let him know how much you miss him when he is not with you or your husband. Talk with his teacher too, they always have great suggestions and can help too.
He is the one that comes and go but his siblings get to stay....he might feel like he has lost his home or a place to stay. So you (actually both parents) should make sure that he knows that now he has 2 homes and that the 4 of you love him a lot and want him with you. Make sure that he has a place to call his own (his own bedroom, or half bedroom or study or whatever you can offer him) but that is only his and nobody else, so he will know that when he goes there he has his place waiting for him.
It is a difficult situation....hope it works fine, it is a good start that you care. Congratulations on your new arrival!
Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com