There have been two questions that I have seen about whether to go back to your maiden name after a divorce. I really didn't have a choice because my ex is well known and I didn't want to deal with strangers asking about him and his family's business.
The thing that struck me as odd was how many people said they kept it for their children. That it would be awkward for the kids if you had a different last name. I don't get that because our kids know that one set of grandparents have a different name, it happens to be your maiden name. They also know that as their aunts and uncles got married their names changed or those of their wives. It would seem that a change in last name would be no harder to understand than changing it for marriage.
Still the thing that struck me the most is my kids call me mom. What my last name is is of no importance to them. Where it actually makes a difference is when their friends speak to me because they will call me Mrs. kids last name. That is kinda awkward for me but I deal, it was after all my choice to change it.
So why do we say keeping or not keeping it is for the kids when it really is about us?
Oh a funny side note I know a woman who has been married three times and had kids with all three men. She kept and added every name. I often wonder how long it takes to sign a check. :(
Reading through a lot of the responses it makes sense. It is not so much as a personal decision but it is a decision based on what is happening in your specific family unit. Still it backs up the blanket "do it for the kids" response not making sense. Sometimes changing it is what the kids wanted. During my divorce one of my older two wanted me to petition that she be allowed to take my maiden name. I told her no, because she was going through too much to make that decision now. She is very glad I said no.
I think the difference is I lived the name change. No one questions it when kids call me Mrs. Kids last name. They know why I changed my name and they know why the kids will still call me by my kids name.
It really is a personal choice. If my ex husband hadn't been well known I would not have changed it. Mostly because I am lazy and it is a pain in the ass to change your name. It is also hard when I talk to people that I knew before the divorce but may not have know I was divorced and such. Hi this is Ms so and so, huh? Mrs. ex, oh yeah, how have you been. Awkward, again, only for me. :-/
speaking from a child of divorce...it is akward for a parent to have a different last name. It was like a billboard..."YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AT HOME!!" I know now that everyone did but when I was a kid I didn't see it that way.
I went back to my maiden name, for many reasons. First and foremost, I wasn't sure about changing it to my husbands to begin with, I LIKED my maiden name. My oldest sons last name is my maiden name, so I pretty much figured I'd have a different name than at least one of my kids no matter what I did.
The other day when my dd was in trouble for lying, she wrote me a long note saying that she was sorry and she loved me and that it didn't matter to
HER that we have different last names, we are a family because we love each other :) made my heart smile.
It's a personal choice.
Of course your kids call you "mom"...but their friends most likely call you Mrs. XYZ and that's where some moms think it gets "odd" or "uncomfortable" and might require some immediate question-answering from anyone within earshot. There's also school registration, social invitations, etc......
I'm not saying it's not common or not just about typical these days, but those are a few instances you didn't mention...
That was funny! I think it's true about just keeping the maiden name or even your previously married name in there -just somewhere. I took on my second husband's name, kept my kids names and the school kept misfiling their records.I don't have me listed in things under my first husband's name but legally I have my second husband's last name. Just throw the others in where needed (you know johnny smith's mom, Mrs. Mcguiillicudey Smith McARthur, etc etc.
oh Good luck, this can be a lifetime pain in the you know what.
My mom changed back to her maiden name after her and my dad divorced. Changed it three years later to my other dad's last name.
Never bothered me once, never confused me, never made me feel uncomfortable to have a different last name than her. Yes, it confused other people but really that's not my/your (general) problem.
I just don't get the whole "not changing cause it's for the kids" mentality. But to each their own. I guess if you're comfortable with the name, then keep it. Me? If I ever were to have a choice, I would go back to my maiden name. I wasn't all that into changing it in the first place though. I spent 28 years with that name, it means a lot to me.
Almost seven years later I caught myself signing it the other day at the dentist...started laughing and scratched it out.
Years ago when we married it never occured to me to not change my last name to his. When we had kids, they got our last name. When they started school we all had the same last name. I thought it was awkward for some kids to have different names from their parent, but divorce does happen, and remarrying changes the name most of the time too. I think the world understands that a lot of families go thru this and different last names is not a big deal anymore. Its so common, I bet more kids have different last names from at least 1 parent. They are in the majority and no one thinks twice about it.
I believe that my last name is important to my children. When I got married, I kept my family (maiden) name for two years. When I changed it, my stepchildren liked that I now had the same last name they did. I do believe it creates a closeness (like Scarlett said). And people assumed we were a family, based on our names. Their mother rejected not just their last name, but her parents' last name, and came up with a new last name for herself. This has not made sense to her children (but that's minor in the list of concerns they have about their bio-mom).
When I divorced, my daughter was 5. I still like that my name is the same as hers. My birth name (maiden name) is my legal middle name, so I carry that, too.
I know families with three last names, and no, it's not a big hairy deal to people who know them. But I have to believe that paperwork and stuff is messy.
I think I can understand the argument that it is still easier for the child to have the same last name, for the same reason you state here regarding awkwardness for you as the mom.
My child goes to school to register, I hand my DL over, and they say , "Oh, you must be Ian _____" (my last name, married). My son: "No, my last name is _____". Ugh. Explanation after explanation after explanation.
I think some moms would also think it represents a sense of closeness to have your child carry the same last name as you, and that the child may care as they age.
When I was divorced I kept my married name, only becuase I didnt want the hassel of changing it, plus it was easier for people to pronounce :-) . I had no children with my 1st husband and the only time it ever bothered me was when I remarried I had to use that name on the marriage license.
I can see it both ways. I was single when I had my oldest son so he has my maiden name, which I changed to my middle name when I got married. People literally don't connect us because we have different last names (and don't look like we're related). I'm on the board of the PTO at his school, volunteer there a lot and some of the office staff still have no idea which kid is mine (they actually think I am another kid's mother who has the same somewhat unusual last name as my married name) but they immediately associated me with my step-daughter - who has only been in the school system a few months - because we share a last name. My son and I have known some of the same people for years who didn't know that we were related, which is weird. I run into this issue too with other moms who have different last names than their kids. My son dated a girl for a month before I realized that her mom and I are on the same committee because I didn't associate their last names.
You're right in that it's probably more of a pain for us, but my child does frequently have to explain who he is (yeah my mom is Mrs. Married) so it does affect him. It's not a big deal or the end of the world, but I can see why a woman would decide that it's easier or makes sense to just leave her name the same. People DO associate parent-child relationships by shared last names.
Another issue is that of future Mrs. Ex-husband. A good friend shares custody of her son and he goes to school in the district in which her ex-husband teaches. She kept her married name, in part, to more easily identify her as her son's mother. She is the outsider in that community and for her, having the same name strengthens the association that SHE is his mom, not the husband's new wife. And in her case, her first name and married name go together really well.
I got my maiden name back after my divorce. It hurt my daughters feeling so much every time she heard someone call me by that name. She didn't tell me until she was an adult though. She always thought it was a rejection of her not him. That I didn't want her name. I think you got married, your maiden name is that, your name before you grew up and took on another one. I made the mistake and wish I hadn't hurt my daughter so much.
Everyone should do what is comfortable for them. Personally I never changed my name when I got married, so if I divorce, no issue. However, your name is important and you should do what feels good to you.
Children will adjust, a name is not an important factor to them. If you change your name (or in my case, not change your name), you will sometimes be called by the last name of your children. I never make a big deal about that, those that get to know me better do know my name, and as for the others, no problem.
I will absolutely not have any issues with name changes due to divorce or re-marriage. I kept my birth name and all my children will also have my birth name - regardless of marital status.
