Mad at Myself for Having Trouble Speaking up as a Mom

I am in the same boat! I have always second guessed myself. I kept kicking myself after a situation that my daughter and I were screamed at!

I understand what you are saying, can you call the swim instructor and speak to him about what happened and his rude comment to you. I would love to ask him if you froze for so long why didn't he do anything? Freezing is better than screaming and freaking out.

I agree with the comment as to why the kids are left alone in a pool especially water over their head. I would also look into classes somewhere else.

You can't beat yourself up about these 2 instances. Not everyone reacts like superheroes on tv when an emergency comes up. I was in a parking lot. This couple set their toddler down and a car was coming in and I just froze and didn't say "Car!" I have no idea to this day why. I just froze. Thank goodness they got her without anything happening. It just happens though. As far as the kid at the park, that stuff just happens. I probably wouldn't have said anything to the mom either if it was just a one time thing. If the kid was standing there I would have said to him "we don't push. you need to apologize". and left it at that. Kids do that stuff to each other. The main thing is that it wasn't too rough and you explained to your son the right way to act.

Our connections go haywire sometimes but if this is a problem your whole life and you want to change then start taking the mind-set to make a change. Take opportunities that you normally wouldn't speak up and go for it! You may miss the first few opportunities with this new mind-set but it will get you thinking and try to make changes.

I think every mother has a scare at some point. And when there is more than one child to keep an eye on, things can happen pretty quickly. Try not to beat yourself up about it. (It's not like you were on the cell phone or texting away while all heck was breaking lose - and there's plenty of that type of parent out there.) When pushing starts up on a play ground (with my son, he was about 3, the other kid was about 5) I'd be right there and tell the other kid if he likes pushing, I'd be happy to show him what pushing was all about, and if he wants to get his Mom - great! I'll tell her what her little brat was up to. You're worried about freezing up, but you're more worried about what other parents are saying about you. You'll know you've overcome it when you don't give a darn what other parents think when you've successfully protected your son and you are not embarrassed by however you did it.

I think you need to separate yourself from this identity you've created for yourself. Jumping into the pool to save your kid from drowning isn't speaking up or fighting for your son. Being raised not to cause friction has nothing to do with not assisting your child in a dangerous situation. Sure you can freeze in a moment of panic, that has nothing to do with not fighting for your child - there wasn't a fight there. However, I would question why young kids are in water over their heads in a group swim class when the instructor is not supervising directly. I would look elsewhere for swim lessons.

R.,

Don't feel guilty for being a cautious person, giving people the benefit of the doubt and not wanting to be pushy. However, you are very trusting and when you saw your son, it is not that you didn't want to jump in, but you felt the instructor knew what he was doing and you didn't want to overstep your boundaries and God forbid, appear to be one of those "not so nice" M., because you probably think he will take it out on your son. The way to change that mindset is to realize the only person who really know your child is YOU and you have to tell yourself that it is ok to think about yourself and your interests sometimes and that of your family. It doesn't mean you stop being "nice" to others, it just means that you and your family are just as important and deserve the attention as any other. The instructor with good intentions is busy with all the other children, so reward yourself that you DID respond and commend yourself that when the adrenalin rush comes in and it really matters, that you WILL be there for your son. Relax your mind and trust your guts.

The fact that you worry about this at all (enough to write a long, heart-felt post) tells me that you are probably a very diligent, responsible mom.

If money were on it I would bet that you would walk barefoot over hot coals for your kids.

Maybe you have a personality quirk that you would like to strengthen - guess what - you are an actual human being just like the rest of us! Many women are conditioned from birth to be pleasant, attractive and mostly quiet. It's very difficult to undo that sort of thing. Work on it, then let it go.

God bless you and your family!

You have to find your voice you really do! My daughter who is 3 had a similar incident this weekend and I didn't hesitate to jump in and get her. All our kids have at an early age is us to protect them the older they get the more they have to find out for themselves. So try your hardest to find it the first time you do you'll realize it is ok to confront people.It won't always go so easy but that is where walk away comes into play and I've taught my kids to do it.

I totally agree with the other Moms. You froze. It happens to all of us. The incident probably happened in a split second and it just seems like it took forever. We tend to replay these things in slow motion. There are so many things going through your head that it's just hard to process them all. I don't look at this incident as not having your voice. You were just a scared mom. It happens to all of us at least once (or quite a few times). Don't beat yourself up over it!
As for the playground pushing...I don't know that I would have said anything to the Mom or child, and I definitely have my voice ;) Kids tend to get physical with each other. I think if it happened more than once I'd say something.
It sounds like you really want to change this part of yourself though. If that's the case, you might need someone to help you do so. A good therapist would give you the tools you need to become more vocal. You can then pass these tips on to your children.

You froze, it happens! I had an experience similiar to this. But I was the ONLY person who didn't freeze. When my daughter was about 15 months old, we went to a family Halloween party. They were getting ready for the older kids to bob for apples. They had filled a very large tub with water and put the apples in. My daughter and her same aged cousin walked up to the tub and started to play with the apples and splash each other. It was super cute, so everyone crowded around and started taking pictures of the cousins splashing each other. I moved out of the way so that everyone else could take pictures. Well, sure enough, my daughter leaned over too far and fell in head first! I heard everyone gasp, and looked over the crowd to see only my daughters feet sticking straight up out of the tub! Everyone froze! No one moved to pull her out. I was at the back of the room, and I paused for a second because I was sure that someone next to the tub would pull her out. No one did! So I shouted MOVE and pushed my way through everyone and grabbed my daughter out of the tub. She was freaked out and screaming! I was so MAD that no one did anything! I was so mad at myself for pausing and not springing into action right away. I cried the whole way home. It took me a few weeks to realize that some times people just freeze, even me. The human brain has a flight or fight response. Freezing is a form of flight, I think. It happens to us all, don't beat yourself up about it. Just try to learn from it. And don't let other peoples rude comments make you feel worse. I can't believe how rude other people can be! I have learned that the MOST judgemental group of people out there is parents. Its sad, because parents also need the most support, and instead of supporting each other, parents judge each other. You sound like a great mom. Work on finding your voice, but please don't beat yourself up over this. I have no doubt that if need be, you would have jumped in that pool in a heartbeat to save your son! Good luck :)

You have been programmed not to speak or be heard, now you have to unprogram yourself. Find excersises that will help unprogram yourself, read some books on it and get some counciling on it. Have your spouse help you by setting up a situation in your house. Even if it is only a fake situation, speak up, practice it. I hope this helps.

You're being too hard on yourself - this was not an issue of not speaking up for you or your child, it's called shock! You were in shock - that's why you didn't react quickly. Give yourself a break - when you need to speak up for your child & advocate for him, you will - no questions asked. Chin up!

oh my, we are always our own worst critics, aren't we?
as for playground pushing, i quite disagree with the moms who would get in there and push the offending child back. children DO get physical and i think you handled it just right, tending to your own child and not interfering with the other. moms tend to get very indignant until it's their own child who is the pusher (and at some point it will be.) confrontations tend to get ugly and accusatory, and unless it's something worse than pushing or grabbing, best avoided.
of course, this isn't advocating passivity. you are wise enough to recognize your conditioning and that at times it works against you. for the record, i wasn't raised in your environment of 'pleasing', i just have lousy reflexes and invariably freeze in crisis situations. some of us are just wired that way. you can work on this with a friend, creating scenarios and practicing responding to them. obviously real life won't ever present you with an ideal perfectly rehearsed situation that you have practiced dealing with, but the idea is to create new brain paths that will allow you to react a little more quickly and appropriately in a real danger situation.
the pool was real. the playground minimal. i'll bet this event already started your brain on the path to responding better next time. keep working on it. you may never be brash and confrontational (and that's a blessing) but you can and will improve on being overly reticent.
i'm so glad everything worked out all right. remember THAT when you're tempted to start knocking yourself.
you wouldn't beat your son up for a situation like that, would you? be just as kind to yourself.
khairete
S.

the pool incident was an accident. you froze. we all do at some point. don't be hard on yourself. the dad who addressed you after the incident, well, yes, you should learn how to speak up. it's not hard. you have plenty of examples to teach yourself. he was rude to you. no need to be rude to them as a payback thing. but something like: why didn't you react? or why didn't you help? don't offer excuses to others for your actions.
but learn how to speak up.
freezing is very normal. i have to repeat that as it seems you're being very hard on yourself.
the child at the park: you or anyone should not address the child. we address their parents. something like: your son pushed my son. leave it at that. usually moms apologize and address the matter with the offending child. sometimes you get a knucklehead who thinks their child is never capable of such a thing. so they'll ignore you or something like that. if the offending child offends again (funny huh, things like this happen all the time) you then go talk to the child. why? because your child needs to know he is protected at all times. he needs to know you will be there for him always. that way he develops a sense of security to come to you every time he faces a challenge, obstacle, a problem.
and sometimes a response like "mind your own business" is all you need to say.
practice at home.
smile. and say mind your own business.

Go to a therapist who can help you re-program yourself. If you can't speak up for yourself and your kids, then you will often find yourself and your children in a victim role. You have a chance to fix this now and not pass it down to your kids. Do it!

Sometimes I think fear can be a contributing factor to holding us back in situations, whether it be, not speaking up or taking action. Figuring out what we are afraid of is the hard part. I suggest counseling to get some insight as to what is holding you back. A counselor can help with exercises & role playing to help you feel more comfortable with speaking up. It is a process learning to retrain your brain, but you can do it. I am doing it now... In the meantime keep trying & don't beat yourself up when you do sometimes, not speak up, when maybe you should have. Go over the situation at home afterwards & come up with things that you could have said. Practice in the mirror. I know it sounds silly but it helps. You can change the way you live your life, its never to late!

Good luck & God Bless!

I think I would have said to that dad who said he would of gotten up if you didn't..."well why didn't you?!!" Do not beat yourself up you froze. No one knows what they will do in a situation. I am totally calm in an emergency and my husband freezes it's what it is. One day my uncle played a prank on my aunt he wanted to see if he scared her how fast she would run out of the house. So he put a rubber rat in the fridge. She opened the door let out a scream and fell to her knees she couldn't move. Everyone reacts differently. Now as far as finding your voice, you are aware you don't speak up, so you just need to be conscious of a time you know it is right to speak up and do. As parents we end up speaking up more as our kids are always dealing with another child and they might have a dilema that you have to help suss out. Just practice on being more aware of what is happeneing in your world and when the time comes your voice will be heard.

It can take a few seconds to process what's happening in your mind. As scary as it was. It probably wasn't as long as it seemed.

I remember learning to swim and being afraid of being in water over my head. I would go to the edge of the deep end over and over and panic when I realized my feet wasn't touching the bottom. I would dog paddle like crazy and come up okay. It was scary and I'd get back where my feet would touch. But I did this again and again. I guess kids just have to push it. Your son didn't mean to do this. But it's just the beginning of what he's going to be learning and he is OKAY.

I'll bet you didn't freeze as long as you think you did.

I agree with what Mindy said. You are lumping these two very different events together and trying to interpret them in light of your upbringing - i think it's too much. FIrst, the two events are completely different.

The playground incident - totally common, will happen over and over again, and everyone has a different way of dealing as you can see from the answers you are getting. Some moms will talk to the child directly and try to model good behavior, some will talk to the mom, some will let the kids figure it out. I don't think there's a wrong answer here, almost everyone will use such events as teaching moments to their own children about what is and isn't good behavior.

The pool thing was an accident!! Nothing to beat yourself up over. You froze, it can happen to anyone. You might want to try some sort of visualization or self confidence training to help in a general way with your inability to speak up, but it won't mean you will be able to predict how you will respond in an emergency. Of course you should have gone in the water or called the instructor's attention to it, but so could any of the other parents who should have been able to size up what was going on. I don't fault the instructor here - without a visual of how the pool was set up and what direction the class was relative to where your son was - I think the parents share responsibility for monitoring in a situation like that so he as under your watch. The instructor has to watch the kids who were actually in the class where they should be. once your child got out, you are in charge. However, there should have been lifeguards around in addition to the instructor who had an eye on things so if that's absent you might want to find somewhere else for lessons. So I am not sure I agree with all those clamoring for you to swim somewhere else, just my two cents.

I do think in an emergency, we all hope we can behave in the best way possible to foster the best outcome, but reality is we aren't all equipped for that. Preparation can help but can't guarantee. DO your best to overcome your baggage about speaking up, but don't think of those two incidents as the reason why. It's really for all the times in the future you will need to be your son's advocate.

Oh I don't think it was a matter of speaking up and not speaking up for your child...it was just a matter of panic. And some people are better at responding than others when put in a panicky situation. I have taken many first aid classes and its a known fact that some people are better at responding/staying calm where others kinda get shocked and their body forgets what to do.
For the record the guy that said that, should have spoke up. He says in hindsight he was going to get up, but what was stopping him.

Don't beat up on yourself so much....just try to learn from it.

Hi R.,

The natural human reactions to danger are fight, flight, or freeze (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response). You first froze and then fought (reached for your son) while your voice was still in freeze mode. You were relaxed and not ready for action, especially with a three year old on your lap.

The father of one of the other children was obviously in freeze mode too because he didn't move at all or say anything. If he had noticed, he should have immediately moved if he were able. There's nothing wrong with saving a child or anyone else. If the opportunity presents itself, and you are able to move, do it. He obviously didn't. His comment just makes him sound like an idiot. He saw your son in trouble and did nothing to help. What's his problem? He was probably frozen.

Don't feel bad. I'm like you and I'm 5 - 6 years older than you. I am usually stunned when people are rude to me - freeze. I think with education regarding certain situations, your reaction may allow you to move more quickly to fight mode. I think of it more as reaction that fight since that brings up images of fisticuffs, not reacting appropriately. Do you know CPR? I think you'll now be more alert.

Good luck,
MD

I suggest that his comment was meant to be reassuring and not critical. He probably realized that you had the 3 yo to also be concerned about. And I suggest that he's human and froze too. He just wanted you to know that he noticed and you weren't alone. I'd have smiled and said, "thank you."

Perhaps you could begin to work on finding the positive side of things instead of focusing on what you may or may not have done wrong. Try positive affirmations. When you begin to be hard on yourself, say over and over, "I am a good mom. I always do the best that I can do. I]m OK!" Say these words to yourself every time you catch yourself ruminating over negative things. This helped me. It did take a few years for me to be able to banish most of my negative thoughts but it was worth working on. I am a much happier, more secure person as a result.

When you can accept yourself as you are you'll be better able to accept other people in a positive light. We are all doing the best that we can. Took me time in therapy to believe that deep down. I had to fake it until I made it and I've made it now.

By the way in both of the incidences that you site I see no need to fight for your son. You handled them well.

After reading the other responses I want to say that this was not a life threatening situation. When we apostrophize situations we often are setting up a situation in which we do freeze. Having a child get in over his head happens often. I've seen my grandchildren do it. If I'm nearby in the pool a do immediately help them without being upset or concerned. Getting in over your head, in more ways than just in the water, is a fact of life.

From your question it sounds like you felt like you were in over your head. You didn't know what to do. That happens. It's no big deal. The instructor did come to your son's rescue. He cannot keep an eye on the child who gets out of the pool.

If I were to suggest your doing anything differently it would be to familiarize yourself with the pool while your son is in the pool having a lesson. Then you would've known he was getting in over his head. Now you know that it's the parent's responsibility to help their child when he's out of the pool, you'll do that from now on. Treat this as a learning experience. You did just fine. So did the guy who made a comment to you the next day. We are all just people and cannot have control over everything. Accidents happen. Your son was never in any real danger. He did get scared. That's good. He learned to be more aware of water depth when you talk calmly about it with him. This was nothing more than an accident provided for our learning.

How many children have drowned at that pool? I wager that it's none. You have no need to be fearful, after this accident. Continue with the lessons if your son is not freaked out. If he is, try again next year.

You are so hard on yourself. Please don't be. I have froze before and I know the slow motion feeling. I do replays in my head at times. You can only move forward and maybe next (I hope there is not a dangerous next time) you can push yourself to say something. This is all you can do. Your not a bad mom by any means. Next time you see this man at the pool you tell him you froze. I am sure he would have froze if this dramatic thing was happening to him and his child. I have had times in my life when I wished I had spoken up.
I speak up now but it took me a very long time to find my voice. Now I think I use way to much!! LOL!

Your too relaxed in your self its not that you don't speak up you just look at life on a easy path. someone else will do it for you. As the pushing your looking for your child to defend himself so you don't defend him. With swimming your comfortable with the instructor getting him not you. Hes in swim class you assume the instructor has his eyes on all the kids. Your comfortable with yourself to an extent you don't react because things are what they are and you seen to be fine with that when things happen. Plus thats the way you where raised. Now if thats something you may want to work on for your childs sake when it comes to your child or you can leave it alone you have to make that decision do i live and show my child the way i was raised and raise your child the same or do i raise my child to speak up. You and your husband actions are what your child sees and does and follows. Not saying he will do everything mom and dad do but he will learn to not speak up to sit an feel comfortable with the NOW.

I think you have identified something in yourself that you want to change. Speaking up for yourself and your family is a good thing. To practice this skill, maybe think back to the situations that are causing you grief and say what you would have liked to say in front of a mirror. The more natural it becomes for you, the more comfortable you will be about speaking up.

Don't be too hard on yourself about what you felt you should have done in the past. I realize the pool incident was scary. Luckily, everything turned out okay. I would venture to guess that if you ever encounter a similar situation you are likely to react more quickly. I think that sometimes emotional overload makes us freeze, other times we incorrectly read or ignore that gut feeling we get that something is wrong, other times we just don't know what to do. I'm sure we all have one of those stories we can retell. Maybe think through past scenarios to create a plan of action if they should happen again. I do that. I don't obsess over things, but just as we have a plan at our home in case of a fire (exits, meeting place, etc) I feel that putting a few minutes thought into what I would do if "X" happened or while we are at "Y" makes me better prepared to do something if I have to act quickly. Best wishes to you.